OW messaging again....

[flibberdy]

Hi Mumsnet
I posted here last year under a different username that I can no longer remember (I change quite often!) and was given fantastic advice so wanted to return and sound off.. not looking for advice as such (not much I can do) but want somewhere I can moan freely!

So, anyways, to cut a long story short(ish) my DH had an affair last year. I was heartbroken and all the rest.. we weren't living together at the time as he had moved due to his work contract and it was when I finally moved to be with him I found it out. Suspicious texts on phone, that sort of thing.
We decided to work through it, and he has been great since. Much more open, changed his phone number, more attentive etc etc. I know some may say to LTB anyway but that's not where I'm at right now, and I'm happy with this ... so far....

(Drum roll please!)

DH is, shall we say, a "public figure" and as such has an instagram account that I run for him. I enjoy doing this and I'm much better at it than he would be replying to "fans" on his behalf, making him sign things and sending them off etc etc. At this point I should be clear and say although he's a public figure, it's very niche and not anyone to get excited about honest! - but it does lead to a lot of female attention that I kind of just bat away -- most of the time!

Anyway, OW popped up in his inbox on instagram today. it brought it all back, I feel sick and anxious again. From the message it's clear she can't get in contact with him any other way - "hi, I miss you, I hope you're ok. Please call me xxxx"
So now queue the FUMING. Ugh.
She knows about me. His last couple of instagram pics are of me/him, our family.
I've managed so far to save all my anger for him, he's the one that made vows to me and broke them, she didn't. So I haven't been the crazy wife calling her/going to her work/her house/etc.
It wasn't her I blamed, but now I'm so mad at her (irrational???)
When it all blew up last year, she kept on requesting to follow me on social media, then when I declined she got her sister and friends to try. I ignored it all. Trying to be the bigger woman here and focus my anger on DH and try to work on our marriage. I ended up coming off private because the constant requests were making me anxious and at the end of the day, I had done nothing wrong. I had nothing to be embarrassed about. I kept telling myself this. My photos are quite scarce anyway, and nothing that would identify the DC or our location.

So, what do I do? Do I just ignore the message? Block her? Send her an evil reply? Ugh.

Thank you if you got this far.., possibly the longest post I've ever written!!

Reply as him "I love my wife, don't contact me again." Gets the message across nicely and is blunt enough to leave no wiggle room.

This is sad. To me it seems like your husband made promises he couldn't keep to two women. Sex is just sex, but for her to say she misses him implies it was more. He was in the wrong and both women in this saga deserve better. Why fight over a flighty man? If he was committed to you, he wouldn't have stepped out in the first place and you shouldn't have to post on MN about a random OW. Is she supposed to respect the fact he has a wife now? She was just as used as you were.

Lots of good 'responses'

I like I love my wife, don't contact me again

I told you very clearly not to contact me. Since you can't respect my wishes I'm blocking you'.

I can tell you that having heard OWs side of things, either of those two responses, will really hit home and make her feel an inch tall.

@Lotalota, the woman was not used by a MM.. Total rubbish. She knows he's married and is still reaching out. She deserves to be ridiculed and more. Sounds like you've been an OW yourself.

who is the niche celeb?

A woman gets used by a married man and gets in touch and we all ridicule the woman because she dares to hope he might get in touch with her while the man gets to carry on with his marriage.
Er, yeah. He's told her to back off, she's trying to make contact again. She should know better.

Oh for goodness sake. If the OW knew he was married it's her own bloody fault. She's actually stalking him- and if she's hash tagging him and vip she clearly just wants kudos and probably is just looking to itch the daddy issues she has. Especially if she was trying to add OP! What a weirdo!!

The DH sounds like he's made an effort to restore himself and work on the marriage. Well done. It is work, and sometimes things (people) get in the way, and if that happens during a low point.. well. Sounds like you've moved on, and moved on well. Block!

Don't give her the satisfaction of a response because that's EXACTLY what she's looking for. Just ignore and block. Get on with your life.

Reply - who is this?

Either he reolies, as himself, or Tribpot's suggestion, or no reply at all.
Anything else is undignified and would only encourage her more (or, depending on how well known he is, ) running to the press with a 'mad jealous wifey' story.

"She knows he's married and is still reaching out"
Block her. Block her. Block her. Don't give her a word, a mumble or anything. Don't feed her need for attention.

Unfortunately, some people create whole narratives for themselves. When I met hubby he'd been single about 12 months. His ex kept trying to reunite. Her letters to him - and his friends/family - continued until DS was two. Then it all went quiet but in recent years she has been attempting to reach out again through social media, via friends of friends etc. Recently, on an evening out with extended family, she was there (at the place - ffs) and suggested in front of DH, DS and DSiL that he can leave soon when DS is 16. DH just doesn't even acknowledge her any more, hasn't for years. DS was astonished and found it hilarious that his Dad was sat, pretending noone was speaking and going red and it was left to DSiL to tell her to do one! We have had to laugh about this and feel sorry for her that after all these years she still believes that DH will wake up one morning (on DS's 16th birthday apparently) and pack his bag to return to his one true love because I am a possessive, thieving cow who stole her man. I do genuinely feel sorry for her because she believes her own fairy story. (But I could do without DS's new sport of making Dad go red asking so who was that lady the other night??)

Don't give this woman an ounce of headspace or any reply because there is a risk she might view that as attention/ opportunity for dialogue and no, as Artemisia quite rightly points out, you don't want any mad jealous wifey stories in the press.

Personally I think you should tell your dh and ask him what he thinks needs to be done.

You need him to take ownership of this and acknowledge that his actions continue to affect you today.

Personally I like Tribpots dry, factual and unemotional response. But this isn't just about his responsibility in this, it's about him meeting your emotional needs right now to help you heal. That means sharing the burden so he can step up.

I definitely agree with others to not reply as you as she will fool herself and try and contact him by other means. Either a very short blunt 'I told you not to ever contact me again' and block or simply block. Don't write anything that implies an affair if there is a possibility of DM involvement. So no it's over just no contact.

i did this 10 years ago and replied to the other woman on facebook. 10 years on we have split and they are together and i feel a bit silly. i should have left it and ignored.

I think it's for your dh to sort, tbh.
I know she was the other woman and he had an affair, but if she is a fan on his fan page, what can you do.

My dh is also public figure, famous all over the world in his own little niche.
He doesn't have affairs and is very honest, but where fans are concerned I cope with a lot. I knew what he did when I met him and it was part of the attraction.

I think your dh has to give her the message he isn't interested whilst not cutting off his nose, if she's a fan of his work.

It's for your DH to sort and respond/delete/block and reassure you.

Otherwise it's the same old same old... his life ticks along nicely while you're the one in turmoil.

I'd send a simple "meh, thought I'd already blocked you" and then block her.

Love the pretend replies, but seriously just block her, don't engage.

Why do you do his Instagram? If it's related to his job, surely he should do it, or pay you to do it?

Just block, anything you send she will either assume wasn't written by him or assume it was written under duress.

maybe she does the Instagram as she is nice to him? People do things out of kindness sometimes

I would just block her

HOWEVER bet you he is back in touch with her. Sorry

Can't see why the H would be in touch with someone when they are clearly messaging him fishing for attention.

Sorry, but your husband needs to take ownership of this. His mess, he cleans her up. If you can't trust him to know she's been in contact and not go running to her then the marriage isn't worth saving.

By the sounds of what you say and the work he's put into your relationship since, that's highly unlikely though - she sounds desperate, and he should be rightly embarassed to have shagged such a saddo. (Again, bet he is!).