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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband's cheated twice I'm in so much pain

93 replies

PennyDreadfull · 18/04/2017 01:27

Can someone please help me ?
Just 5 hours ago we were sitting eating dinner perfectly normally and now my worlds devastated.

I overheard him speaking to a female colleague upstairs. He thought I wasn't listening. I was eavesdropping because I've had suspicions about this woman before.

He said "I love you" and I miss you" several times and "I'll try to see you this week. "
I confronted him when he came back down.
I cried and begged for the truth.

He's eventually told me that they've slept together on two occasions in the past 4 weeks. Once when I was visiting my mother.
Apparently he "loves" her. They only met 4 months ago and work together.

He's in a hotel room right now. I'm sitting here crying. I'm leaving to go stay with my mother tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I can't even breathe right now.

OP posts:
PennyDreadfull · 22/04/2017 22:34

He is acting like an arse today. Lied to me again (he'd texted OW). After I explicitly requested him not to. He assured me that he hadn't but then admitted he had.

Hung up on me when I called him disgusting.

Am I being unreasonable here? ?

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 22/04/2017 22:39

No! He's a liar and cannot be trusted.

Underthemoonlight · 22/04/2017 22:40

You know in your heart of hearts what's gone on the fact he's messaged her again. I get it I really do I had a baby when ex did the same thing to me although it wasn't a friend it was an ex son not a double betrayal. But nonetheless he gas lighted blame when I felt something seemed off. It was a bloody horrible time I wish I left him and it was a hard year I eventfully moved on and found dh who I've been with 7years and had more DC. It may seem bleak now but you need to put you and your DC first.

Siwdmae · 22/04/2017 22:54

He's crying because he's upset at losing the life he wants, having his cake and acting it. Basically, he's upset because you've found out. Fuck him, he has betrayed you in the worst way.

PennyDreadfull · 23/04/2017 15:16

How the fuck can I make this pain and misery go away? it's there round the clock. Every second.

OP posts:
weatherbomb · 23/04/2017 15:36

He needs to give you some space to decide what you want to do.
He's still lying to you, you deserve so much better than a lying cheat.
Can you spend the next 30+yrs wondering if he's lying, who he's with, what are they doing, spending days/weeks/months with that awful knot in your stomach, no trust etc? That's what you could be looking at.
He is disgusting and its an awful situation but you have the power not him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/04/2017 16:01

This is fresh. So very, very fresh. The pain must seem so unbearable right now but you know what? You're bearing it. You are not broken. You will not be broken. You are still in shock, so you really should try to be patient with yourself.

Only time will heal the pain you are enduring. Lots of time. Every day that passes means you are another day closer to not being in such terrible agony. So many of us have been precisely where you are now. We are standing with you shoulder-to-shoulder, Penny.

You can do this, you really can. You might think now that you can't but you can and you will, believe me.

gingeristhenewblack43 · 23/04/2017 16:05

You cannot make the pain go away, unfortunately you just have to feel it, along with the heart break, the fear, the loneliness, the disbelief.

You want to turn back time, to unknow what you know. But you can't.

Whatever you decide in terms of whether to stay with him or not, you are going to feel pain. You have been cheated on by the person you trusted above all others. The person you chose to trust. It's different to how you love and trust your family (if you do) because this is someone you chose to have your back, to put you first, to support you, to be there for better or worse.

If you stay with him you will still feel devastated, you'll feel insecure, worried every time he texts someone or goes on a night out. He will under mine your feelings by telling you that you need to get over it, to move on, to stop talking about it because you're upsetting him.

If you go you will feel fear and uncertainty, the rug has been pulled out from under the foundations of your life. But you will emerge a stronger person for it.

No one can judge you for what you decide, you are the only person who walks in your shoes. You know yourself, your life as a couple, your own personal hopes and dreams. But try to think objectively, what would you tell a friend or lived one to do in the same situation.

I can understand your anger at the OW, it's easier to feel angry at the one that you're not emotionally vested in. Your anger towards him will come in time, along with a whole other range of emotions. You're going through the grieving process, grieving for the life you had the day before you over heard him, grieving for the future you thought you would have. But whatever you choose to do that grieving process will take place, you can't stop it. It's hard, it is really fucking hard EnvyFlowers

Trickycat · 23/04/2017 16:15

Penny, this will be a long road. Don't put pressure on yourself. Take each day as it comes, hour by hour if need be. You are strong - you won't believe it right now but you are. I didn't believe it at the time but starting to believe it now.

Please read Chumplady to get angry. There is a large archive and new posts Mon to Fri. Everyone there has been through this. Unfortunately people who haven't been through it don't get how badly it wrecks your sense of reality and self worth. Take care of yourself.

Ledkr · 23/04/2017 16:38

There is one little thing that will help and that's to go no contact. No calls no texts nothing. It's hard but it's like a tiny miracle after a few days you will feel slightly better.
Keep telling yourself that you will be ok, this is a temporary feeling, it won't last forever.
I thought I'd die of pain when it happened to me but I got better week by week.
You need time now and do whatever you can to fill that time.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/04/2017 17:30

The pain won't go away for a while yet.
These selfish pricks have no idea about the real and awful pain they inflict when they think with their dicks.
No clue at all.
You have to allow yourself to go through the whole grieving process.
It takes a long time.
To try to heal yourself is impossible.
With the love and support of friends and family it's easier but it's still totally shit.
I'm so sorry.
We can't make you feel better
We can assure you that it does get better. Eventually...!!!!
Time. Lots of time.

cassiedenni · 23/04/2017 18:58

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Nancy91 · 23/04/2017 19:06

Karma comes back to bite everyone in the end. You will be ok Flowers

Idoidoidoidoido · 23/04/2017 19:11

I have stayed with my DH and he is doing everything possible to make it up to me. But, the OW has suffered no consequences from the affair AT ALL.
Is it any wonder I'm angry about that

That's why I'm all for making damn sure the OW's husband or boyfriend knows about the affair.
That way, the OW suffers consequences too.
Never assume he knows.
The cheating husband will try and tell his wife Oh, OW already told him but don't believe it.
Don't forget, lies come easily to cheats.

LonginesPrime · 23/04/2017 19:32

If they're 'in love', then the OW will get her comeuppance - when the lying cheating bastard does the exact same thing to her..

One of my friends was the OW a couple of years ago and they ended shacking up together. But just as they were looking at buying somewhere together, surprise, he's had another uncontrollable urge and has shagged someone else.

Look after yourself, OP, and karma will look after the OW.

IsNotGold · 23/04/2017 19:38

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cassiedenni · 23/04/2017 20:49

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SandyY2K · 23/04/2017 23:04

Link to the 180

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

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