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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband's cheated twice I'm in so much pain

93 replies

PennyDreadfull · 18/04/2017 01:27

Can someone please help me ?
Just 5 hours ago we were sitting eating dinner perfectly normally and now my worlds devastated.

I overheard him speaking to a female colleague upstairs. He thought I wasn't listening. I was eavesdropping because I've had suspicions about this woman before.

He said "I love you" and I miss you" several times and "I'll try to see you this week. "
I confronted him when he came back down.
I cried and begged for the truth.

He's eventually told me that they've slept together on two occasions in the past 4 weeks. Once when I was visiting my mother.
Apparently he "loves" her. They only met 4 months ago and work together.

He's in a hotel room right now. I'm sitting here crying. I'm leaving to go stay with my mother tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I can't even breathe right now.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 21/04/2017 11:57

Pennyhe should have thought of that before saying I love you to someone else. Noone can tell you what to do, if you feel you want to make a go of it then do so, but please bear in mind now your marriage will have changed , you will now be hyper vigilant and will have this in the back of your mind for a good few years can you cope with that?

nigelforgotthepassword · 21/04/2017 12:01

You will be in shock just now op... Try and eat and drink.Little and often.Can you get your mum or a friend to come and be with you?

I actually think it's justifiable to be angry with both him and her (particularly as you know her and she knows you as his wife). Try and use that anger productively when you are ready in terms of sorting this situation out, however the pieces begin to fall. But don't make any decisions yet....
Give yourself some time.

Additionally, you will want to scream and shout at them both-justifiably-and no one one would blame you if you did-but the more effective approach here if you can manage it is to stay ice cool with your dh. Don't pander to the image he has no doubt been spinning of you as someone unreasonable (or whatever other reasons he has given her for the reason he has chosen to cheat-and he will have done-it's the script). If you can manage to be above him in all of your conduct it will serve you well going forwards whatever happens.
I feel for you-pair of fuckers 😡.But save your ranting for here, or when with your family...I badly wish I hadn't lost the plot when I first found out about my situation-I couldn't help it-but it harmed me in terms of the image that was then spun about me to other people.

nigelforgotthepassword · 21/04/2017 12:05

Sorry-posted before I saw your update...

weatherbomb · 21/04/2017 12:18

I'm glad you have RL support Penny Flowers He's a selfish cheating scumbag & she's a pathetic joke. If he 'loves' her that muxh ehy is he cryibg down tge phobe to you? Simply because he got caught. Shame you didn't tell her she's not the only one he 'got close to' - bitch.
Sorry to mention this, but you will need to have a STI test. Its time to be completely selfish and the anger will come. Take each hour and day as it comes, things will become clearer but try to focus on what's best for you and you alone.

whirlygirly · 21/04/2017 12:21

With hindsight, I think the ow in my situation got exactly what she deserved - my selfish xh. (He cheated on her too but they're still together.)

I'm sorry you're going through this but if he's done it twice now, you really really need to find a way to cut your losses or accept that he'll do it again. With lots of support you'll come out the other side. The pain was excruciating at the time, now it's more a kind of bruise.

feellikeanalien · 21/04/2017 12:21

Penny, it's hard to imagine at the moment but it will get better. I still remember the agony I felt that my whole world had been ripped apart just so my ex-H could shag some slapper. I know, it was him who did it but at the early stages you still love them so much that it's only natural to project your anger on to OW.

Try to maintain your dignity. I didn't and even now I cringe when I remember some of the things I did.

There will be times when it all feels overwhelming and all you want is for him to come back. That is when RL support is invaluable.

I also had him on the phone saying that he'd made a mistake but I think he just felt guilty.

We did try to make it work again but the trust had gone and he kept on seeing her in any event.

Twenty years on I just think he was a prize dick who didn't appreciate what he had. They ended up having a son together and split up pretty quickly when he found he was no longer the centre of her world!

I know it's hard to imagine the agony will ever end but it does.The important thing to do is take care of yourself.
Flowers

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/04/2017 12:24

Why on earth do you feel sorry for him? The manipulative swine is trying to wheedle his way back, y'know. Keeps crying on the phone, indeeed. Does he have any compassion for what he's putting you through?

Nah, he's just sorry he's been caught. He wasn't planning to tell you, was he?

It's very early days and of course you will be in a lot of pain - but you need to be kind to yourself, not to him.

roarityroar · 21/04/2017 12:31

What absolute bastards. I'm so sorry OP.

IsNotGold · 21/04/2017 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haribogirl · 21/04/2017 13:43

What's he crying for. Pathetic tell him to grow some

He made your world cave in, and he's crying
He's weak, you were going though a bad time and he went to another woman because he couldn't handle it how you were feeling yourself.

He should of been there for you, not in the arms of another woman
How would he feel if it was him and you went to the arms of another man ? I presume he would go f... mad

He's only like this now because you eves dropped, over wise he'd still be living tow lives. HE GOT FOUND OUT. That's why he's crying feeling sorry for himself not YOU.

Some women don't care if men are married! No morals

Let him realise what shit he's caused, if you don't he will walk all over you if you just take him back. You need to be strong think about yourself

Lotsofponies · 21/04/2017 13:46

I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. You are doing the best thing by being with your Mum. You don't have to make any decisions at the moment, and if I were you, I would ask him to give you some space to get over the initial shock. Can you put your mobile on silent or ask your mum to filter calls? You may decide to split or to reconcile, either way things will get better eventuall. This pain won't last forever. In the meantime allow yourself to go through the feelings, cry, shout, don't feel you have to hold it in. Try warm baths, a hot water bottle or asnuggly blanket to alleviate the shakes and paracetamol (to help with the sore eyes and aches and pains from being on adrenaline alert). Soup, lollies, yoghurt, smoothies, hot chocolate etc to keep your energy up. Going for a walk or run might help a bit too.

This is so shit, but it's all about what an inadequate prick your husband is, not you. If you were feeling anxious and stressed in your relationship it is his fault, you were right to trust your gut. When you feel able go to see your gp and try to get some counselling, even if you have to pay, it realy does help. Keep posting, you are not alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2017 14:58

Please save your sympathy.
He's being a manipulative selfish asshole!
Why is HE crying?
Has he asked how you are coping?
How you are feeling?

God these cheating men are fucking pathetic!

MeganBacon · 21/04/2017 16:09

Penny, the pain will end I promise even though it is impossible to imagine now. Don't believe his tears, he knew what he was doing and he is just trying to win back control, maybe not knowingly (he may well believe in his own tears), but subconsciously. The second you went back, his pain would vanish and he'd be the same guy who cheated again. You deserve so much better than this. Be brave Penny and try to think long term, and keep as much support and kindness around you as you can.

Original poster
PennyDreadfull · 21/04/2017 18:03

I feel like I am the pathetic one.
He said he won't try and get me back because what he's done is unforgivable. He said I won't ever trust him again.

he's even said he still has feelings for OW. Can't make up his mind who he wants to be with? ??

I think I'm going mad.

OP posts:
FoxyLaRoxy · 21/04/2017 18:30

oh OP.

There are many posters on here who have gone through the same thing and have come out through it. Their advice is invaluable.

Please don't do the pick me dance.

Don't beg him. I know you are hurting but read about the 180.

If it were me I would wish him luck and send him merrily on his way. He doesn't deserve you.
YOU are worth more than him.

((Hugs)))

Original poster
PennyDreadfull · 21/04/2017 18:39

Thank you
My insides are tearing themselves apart though. We've been married for 11 years. I don't know how to survive without him! !

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 21/04/2017 18:39

Keep your head high and tell him you are worth more and are making his mind up for him

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/04/2017 18:40

It's all about him, isn't it? Hmm

Re-read what you said he said. He isn't thinking about you, except insofar as you might be helpful to him.

Original poster
PennyDreadfull · 21/04/2017 18:40

What's the 180?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/04/2017 18:41

Sorry, x-post. You will get through this. You deserve much much better.

FoxyLaRoxy · 21/04/2017 18:48

Not sure if I can post a link to a website here but if you search for the 180 relationship or look up surviving infidelity website.

Hope that helps Flowers

AppleOfMyEye10 · 21/04/2017 19:04

I'm so sorry for youFlowers please don't let him back in. Do you have D.C. Op?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2017 21:17

We survive.
We really do.
You won't believe us but we have been there and been through it and come out the other side.
I was with my ExH for 15 years.
I was totally broken.
It took a year to start to feel like myself again.
Time. You need some time.
Love and support.
💐🌺 it really is a shit time.

nigelforgotthepassword · 22/04/2017 07:37

He's crying and trying to hedge his bets as the reality of losing a secure easy situation with you vs an insecure harder situation with ow hits him.

I know it's hard but please don't let him manipulate you.

A year ago I felt awful op-like I didn't want to carry on after my situation occurred.
It's been an awful time I won't deny it-but I feel a million times better than I did-and you will too-you can get through this.

Underthemoonlight · 22/04/2017 07:48

Do you have DC? He is probably enjoying the fact two woman want him don't give in and do the pick me dance. I know it's hard I've been there but I wasn't going to be second best to no one.