My husband's cheated twice I'm in so much pain

[PennyDreadfull]

Can someone please help me ?
Just 5 hours ago we were sitting eating dinner perfectly normally and now my worlds devastated.

I overheard him speaking to a female colleague upstairs. He thought I wasn't listening. I was eavesdropping because I've had suspicions about this woman before.

He said "I love you" and I miss you" several times and "I'll try to see you this week. "
I confronted him when he came back down.
I cried and begged for the truth.

He's eventually told me that they've slept together on two occasions in the past 4 weeks. Once when I was visiting my mother.
Apparently he "loves" her. They only met 4 months ago and work together.

He's in a hotel room right now. I'm sitting here crying. I'm leaving to go stay with my mother tomorrow.

I'm so scared. I can't even breathe right now.

I can't help but feel the people who tell people to direct their anger at the man haven't had the experience of an OW.She's the issue for me not him believe it or not. Any self respecting woman shouldn't do that to another woman
This is such a crock of shit. I am not responsible for upholding another woman's marriage vows - her husband is the only one responsible for his fidelity. If he strays, it isn't because his wife is inadequate or he's not getting enough sex at home, it's because he wants to stick it elsewhere. It certainly isn't because some 'bad' woman has 'tempted' him away from his wife. I am a short, fat, middle-aged grandma. In the last four years, I have had two serious 'I'll leave her for you' offers from married men (I wasn't having affairs with either of them) and many, many approaches from other married men. It is not the 'other woman' to blame, it is the husband. I have been the other woman, I have been the wronged wife, I have observed how life goes. It's the man!

OP, don't leave if the house is jointly owned, get your mum round to you.
I know how much this hurts. Get good legal advice and smash the lying, cheating bastard into the ground financially. You'll feel better for it.

I can't help but feel the people who tell people to direct their anger at the man haven't had the experience of an OW
I have - twice now.
And although not happy about it all I certainly didn't blame her.
If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.
It's down to HIM!
Pure and simple.

I hope you have some RL support now OP?
Take all the help you can right now to see you through this initial hideous bit!

IsNot said it well. They are both to blame! Direct your anger at whoever the fuck you want to. I also hate this 'don't blame the OW' attitude on here.

If it helps you for the time being then do it.

The danger with blaming the OW is that often it enables the wronged partner to ignore the extent of the betrayal and even take back a serial cheater.

He has betrayed you. Some people think it's a betrayal for any woman to harm any other woman, but even if you think that, you've surely got to see it's a greater betrayal for him to go against specific vows he made?

He is NOT innocent in this, do not let him weasel out of the commitment he made to you by making the OW the baddie

And in the robbing analogy, if two people robbed you but one of them was, say, employed to protect you, wouldn't it be right to say he committed the bigger crime?

They're both shits. And neither of them will ever trust each other. That's why he was saying 'i love you ' repeatedly. She wanted to hear it because she doesn't believe it. He was trying to keep his shag. This is about him getting his end away. He knows it. She knows it but will go along with the pretence to feel she's special. The pain will slowly pass. Each day you will get better but it involves getting away from him and her, blocking all info and connections so you don't torture yourself with their fake social media presence and building your self esteem back up. At the end of that journey you'll feel amazing and it will coincide with the break down of their fragile affair.

I spoke to the OW on the phone last night. It hasn't made me feel any better. She was pathetic, mumbling "sorry" and "we just ended up getting close" and falling silent all the time.
Selfish bitch.

Why can't I get angry at him??

TheElephantofSurprise they wouldn't leave their wives, they just want a quick shag and from your post it's possible you may have a reputation for being 'up for it' with married men
Excuse me while I laugh loudly.
No, it's precisely because I don't have such a reputation that they think that's the way forward. As for whether they would leave or not, I had no reason to disbelieve either of them but I had no intention of agreeing to it. They must do as they wish regarding their wives, but they can't use me as an excuse.

But go ahead, trying to make yourself feel better by trying to bring me down. Won't work. I know who I am.

The ElephantofSunrise this isn't about you, this is about the OP who is in some considerable pain having been shat on from a great height by the one person she trusted above all others.
Penny dreadfully - be angry, be angry at your husband and be angry at the OW if you want too. Nobody has the right to tell you where to direct that anger. There are better people on here to give you advice but I would recommend seeing a solicitor to see where you stand.

Sending you hugs.

If 2 people were to rob me of something why would I not want them both punished?

robbery is a crime, so your analogy is not apt.

Marriage is a contract and only he is part of it (with you). I can see the temptation in blaming the OW (you don't want to accept that someone who loves would do this willingly), but she has no (or very little) responsibility to you.

The anger will come.
You are still in the 'shock' phase right now.
Sadness will follow quickly.
Basically you are going through the grieving process.
There are various stages.
If you google it, it might all start making a bit of sense.
Just get through each hour for now.

I understand the anger at the OW but she doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't know you. She's not someone close to you.

Your husband made marriage vows, promised to love and respect you. The OW did not. To have an affair with a married man is a shit thing to do, but he is the one who betrayed you, not her.

OP have you spoke to him? Does he want to separate?

Give yourself time to process everything and try and be kind to yourself.

Whilst the husband is definitely most to blame, I have known a string of women over the years who love the thrill of going for married men and having affairs with them. I have one acquaibtance now who boasts about it shamelessly - she makes me sick, stating she can't "stay away". I'd want to punch both their lights out to be honest.

Thrill of going with married men? I hope karma shits all over them one day!

I am honestly in so much pain. I can't eat or sleep. I can't do this.
Every time I think I will be OK it never lasts and I come crashing down again.

I miss him so much

Hugs to you, Penny. Just remember that you will get through this. My brother had this happen to him within a year of being married. His wife left him for someone else. My DB thought he wouldn't cope and was badly hurt by the whole process. Sending strength your way.

I'm at my mum's
He keeps crying on the phone to me and I can't help but feel so sorry for him and am missing him incredibly much