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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another baby or leave

52 replies

Gloworm11 · 17/04/2017 22:20

I have been given a deadline for having another baby or else I have to leave. We aren't married (his choice, he doesn't believe in it) and property etc is all in his name as he is the higher wage earner. We have 2 beautiful children but he wants 2 more. I have managed to bring him round to one more but to have no more for him is not an option. I have extremely traumatic pregnancies and he work away every week so I would have no help. I feel so helpless and vulnerable because if I don't have another child with him I will have to find somewhere else to live with the children. It's a black and white as that for him. I'm gutted :(

OP posts:

originalusernamefail · 17/04/2017 22:24

Leave. Sorry to be blunt. He's willing to put his actual existing DC out of the house for a hypothetical baby? Knobber. No one has the right to say what you do with your body.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 17/04/2017 22:25

Is he abusive in other ways? I'm betting he is. I think you should contact women's aid and get away from him.

Spadequeen · 17/04/2017 22:26

He sounds lovely

228agreenend · 17/04/2017 22:28

Having children should be a mutual decesion, not a dictatorship. I can't believe that if,you don't have another child, he will expect you to leave. He should cherish the family he has.

CassandraAusten · 17/04/2017 22:28

What an absolute wanker . Please don't have another child with him.

MommaGee · 17/04/2017 22:28

Leave. Get yourself on a housing list our start putting together a deposit.

He loves the hypothetical baby more than you?
What happens if you agree and then can't get pregnant? It happens. What If you get pregnant but lose the baby? What if they then tell you you can't have any more?

If he's that desperate to spread his genes let him and he can explain to his kids why he doesn't live with them anymore

BarneyRumbleton · 17/04/2017 22:28

That's awful. How dare he lay the law down like that? I'd leave.

lightcola · 17/04/2017 22:28

Absolutely leave. What a horrible man. Leave, take the children with you.

Darbs76 · 17/04/2017 22:29

Sorry but I agree and I doubt you'll find anyone here who will say otherwise - leave

5moreminutes · 17/04/2017 22:30

Can you seek legal advice or go to the citizens advice bureau?

Leave, obviously, but seek advice first - I have no legal knowledge but I'd want to be sure leaving didn't weaken any right you might have to a settlement for the fact that you have enabled him to have his career by doing all child care while he works away. It may be you have a claim on part of the value of the house despite not being married because it's the children's home and you have contributed by allowing him to work. That might come to nothing but try to find out before making yourself homeless.

MaisyPops · 17/04/2017 22:30

Not going to just say leave, but youve got to think about the facts

You are already very dependent on him
You have no legal right to anything that you've facilitated by staying at home. He couldnt do all he's doing if he was paying childcare etc but you're not protected
As it stands it's more difficult for you to walk as youve noy got savings, or a job or recent experience. Add 2 more kids and youre even more stuck.
Long term you have no right to the house or his pension if he passes or you split.
It sounds like he wants you tied to him but without him having yo provide anything in the way of support for you.
He's willing to kick you and 2 children out if you dont reproduce kn demand.

Ask him to draw up legal documents to give you the same protections as married couples (i think thats an option). If he wont do it then you know exactly where you stand.

DesertSky · 17/04/2017 22:31

He is has said if you don't give him another child then you have to leave?
Please get out and get some support too. This is emotional abuse. The fact that the house is in his name only and your not married is giving him a sense of power - please don't feel he is in control. Have you family or friends who can help you out? Maybe woman's aid could help?

DesertSky · 17/04/2017 22:31

*He has said

outabout · 17/04/2017 22:33

Totally outrageous demand.

Gallavich · 17/04/2017 22:33

You're not a baby factory. He doesn't love you as a person does he? Otherwise he would want you regardless and respect your wishes (and medical needs) not to have more children.
He's got you in a very vulnerable place and he's trying to make you more so.
Please find a way to safely leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2017 22:43

Call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247
They can help you get away from this hideous 'man'

JK1773 · 17/04/2017 22:45

This is hideous OP. Don't even think about bringing another child into this. He sounds awful. Get away, as soon as you can

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/04/2017 22:50

I'm not surprised you're gutted. There's no way you should have another baby with him now.

He's basically ended the marriage, by saying that. Not that he'll admit that, but how could you stay with someone who feels stronger about a number than your health and happiness? (And naturally he doesn't feel so strongly about his DCs that he's found a way to be there for them more.)

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/04/2017 22:50

Oops sorry, not marriage.

annandale · 17/04/2017 22:55

Sorry to have to say this but you have had children with a total tosser. It happens. Of course he doesn't believe in marriage - if he did, you would have the right to half the marital assets.

Do you have any support network - family, friends? Theoretically from just your first post I would tell him that you're interested to see how he will have another child as you're not going to do it and just sit tight. Sometimes people who are very black and white in what they say turn out to crumble if you actually stand up for yourself. However, he sounds potentially quite unpleasant - are you afraid of him? - so I would take some time to get your ducks in a row as in the posts of other more experienced people here.

PaperdollCartoon · 17/04/2017 22:57

How awful, is he abusive in other ways? My first ever LTB - you deserve more than this. He's got you in a horribly precarious position already, don't have another baby with him.

TooFew · 17/04/2017 23:06

Well he sounds like a fabulous role model for your children Legally as you're unmarried and your name is not on the mortgage you're completely financially dependant on this man. Even taking the children into consideration. You didn't say if you have a job or not but if you do start saving an emergency fund. If he's willing to threaten to kick you out for not being ready for another child he sounds capable of much more.

You also didn't say if he'd kick you out on your own or with his other 2 children. If it is with his children he's clearly not treating the ones he has well enough to 'earn' the right to dictate you having more.

What's to stop him simply changing the locks one day and you can no longer getc into this that your two children live. As you have no right to there's bugger all you can do. This is a really risky position to be in. You need to protect yourself and your kids by start planning.

user1471552073 · 17/04/2017 23:17

Please speak to Womens Aid. This is extremely abusive.
He wants to enslave you for life. Then he will threaten to kick you out with 3 dc. Then he will kick you out with 4.

Emotional abuse is illegal, police and SS would take a very dim view of his threats.

Original poster

Gloworm11 · 18/04/2017 20:58

I do work so am currently juggling two children and my own career. That would all go to pot if I was to have another as I have to take the whole pregnancy off sick :(

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/04/2017 21:01

Right, so another pregnancy is out of the question.

Don't let him talk you round to anything. This man clearly has no love for you.

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