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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another baby or leave

52 replies

Gloworm11 · 17/04/2017 22:20

I have been given a deadline for having another baby or else I have to leave. We aren't married (his choice, he doesn't believe in it) and property etc is all in his name as he is the higher wage earner. We have 2 beautiful children but he wants 2 more. I have managed to bring him round to one more but to have no more for him is not an option. I have extremely traumatic pregnancies and he work away every week so I would have no help. I feel so helpless and vulnerable because if I don't have another child with him I will have to find somewhere else to live with the children. It's a black and white as that for him. I'm gutted :(

OP posts:

TooFew · 18/04/2017 22:13

Good to hear you have some income. Start trying to put some of it aside so you have a little financial independence. Pull strength from the fact that your children would see you as a strong role model for them to look up to by regaining control of your life. Do not let him dictate to you anymore.

Really hope you manage to get yourself and your little ones out of this environment

SparklyMagpie · 18/04/2017 23:04

Fuck sake, LEAVE!!

Isetan · 19/04/2017 04:24

He's such a catch, why wouldn't you want more babies with him? You sleep walked yourself into a vulnerable position, don't compound it.

How on earth is this a dilemma? You need to talk to someone in RL because his attitude should be a deal breaker but you appear to be confused.

Original poster

Gloworm11 · 19/04/2017 08:48

Not confused, just scared. He said he would go for full custody of children and would at least get shared care 50/50. I really don't want that as I do everything for them and at the moment her sees them no where near that amount. I'm worries if I leave (or get thrown out) then I will lose the children half the time. He can't look after them himself, he never has but I have had friends who have been through the court system and the father has been awarded shared care :(

OP posts:

usernumbernine · 19/04/2017 08:50

Leave. You have no protection. You,could have 4 kids and you'd still have no legal protection as your u aren't married. Leave. As son as you can. Start to gather up all documents etc and start squirrelling money away. Leave.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 19/04/2017 08:57

Take a deep breath. You believe 50:50 is not right for the children, so be firm when it comes to this point. But tbh it might not even go to court, so don't panic.

Go see a good lawyer to reassure yourself that what he says is not necessarily close to what happens!

Otoh, don't aim to stop him seeing them altogether. As long as you're allowing contact, he'll have no leg to stand on with threats to take you to court.

tribpot · 19/04/2017 08:58

How is someone who works away all week going to demonstrate the ability to offer 50:50 shared care? It's complete nonsense.

You realise, incidentally, that he will agree to just one more child now, knowing that once you've had that child he can simply keep using this same blackmail trip to force you to have more. So at some point you will have to deal with this crisis head on. The only question is whether it's now or when you have four+ children.

LellyMcKelly · 19/04/2017 09:01

Oh God - he's vile. Leave him. Nobody should have to put up with that shit.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2017 09:02

Abuser always say they will go for full custody.
Ignore him. It's all bullshit.
When it really comes down to it he'll probably only bother seeing them for 1 day every other weekend.
He works away so he can't have them 50:50.
That is a starting point only!
Get some legal advice.
Womens Aid can help you will recommendations of good solicitors who deal with abusive arseholes. Get their advice!

corythatwas · 19/04/2017 09:10

This: "buser always say they will go for full custody." It's his tool for keeping you under control because he knows it is your worst nightmare. It does not mean he actually wants to do the work of looking after the children 50%, let alone 100% of the time: it only means he wants to see you squirm.

Think about it another way- if you do go on and have another child, and then another (because he will pull the same trick on you again), and wreck your own career as a result- what on earth is to stop him from trading you in for a younger model in 5 years time, leaving you and the children high and dry? Nothing.

Starfish28 · 19/04/2017 09:15

I can't offer any legal advice but just wanted to say I'm so sorry read about your situation. As others have said do not have another baby. He is blackmailing you this will not stop once you have another child. Have you considered that he may also want you more under his control and by having another child he will achieve this? How can he possibly kick you out for refusing to have another child? This isn't love this is abuse. Is he abusive in other ways? Can you document that? You have a career which is great foundation to work from. Good luck

beekeeper17 · 19/04/2017 09:16

He is a classic bully. Saying he'll go for shared custody is another tactic to scare you into doing what he wants. Whether he would actually want shared care or not when it comes to it is anyone's guess.

Get yourself some decent advice on what would happen if you leave, financially and in the care of the children. Unfortunately you'll be in a worse position because you're not married and because assets like the house are not in joint names, which you already know, but you will find a way to make things work and make a good life for yourself and the children if you decide to leave.

Has he always been so controlling and bullying? If this has been ongoing for a while I'm sure he's probably worn you down a lot so you're going to need some good support around you to start building you back up to the person you were before all of this.

Brokejoke · 19/04/2017 09:22

Omg he sounds very controlling. I would certainly not be having another baby with him. I think you need to start getting some advice. Please have a look at Rights of Women for some advice and useful links. I think they have a helpline number too.

I would really urge you to (secretly) get a plan into place and make steps to leave him. This situation does not sound good for you. Sorry I know it's easy for me to say this from behind a computer screen but he sounds like a horrible man.

Brokejoke · 19/04/2017 09:24

I suspect the shared care thing is a bluff to scare you into staying put. If he does not do much caring atm it's unlikely he really wants to do any more.

Mummybear8 · 19/04/2017 09:25

Presumably, as you are the one looking after the children for the most part, do YOU actually want any more? You do have a say in this.

Your partner sounds a lot like he doesn't really care about what you want, if he's willing to make you and your two children leave the family home if you don't do what he wants in giving him another baby. What if you can't conceive again? Will he throw you out regardless?

He sounds controlling and if it was me, I'd use this behaviour as a reason to leave. I know it's frightening thinking of "going it alone" but effectively you are doing that anyway, you just won't have to answer to his crap anymore.

Original poster

Gloworm11 · 19/04/2017 22:19

I think you have all just confirmed to me deep down what I already knew and if I really admitted to myself, I have known for a long time. The control he has over me goes as far as making me give up my car and borrow one of his, paying my phone bill so that he can see all calls/messages and having cctv put on the house (for security apparently). I also worry that he knows passwords to things and am scared to death he will see that I have posted this. I should be enjoying the two children I have while they are still young but instead I'm worried sick about this horrible situation. It's interfering with my sleep, my work and my relationship with my children. I wish there was a magic wand :(

OP posts:

Giraffey1 · 19/04/2017 22:27

Seriously? He has given you a deadline for producing a child? Is he for real?! Why would you want to be with someone like this?

Siwdmae · 19/04/2017 22:30

Log out of all social media properly when you've finished using it. Change all your passwords. CN you pay your own phone bill?

Please put together paperwork and hide your/dc's passports so you can leave Asap. Copy any financial paperwork so he can't lie to CMS.

thegirlfromthehill · 20/04/2017 07:11

I am so sorry to hear what this man is doing to you @Gloworm - big hugs. It's just so horrible when you finally admit what, as you say, you have known deep down all along. Please don't even consider having another child with this man. He doesn't want a child, he just wants to keep you all to himself at home. And yet he will not commit to you fully by putting your name on the mortgage. I think you need to take a little time to draw breath, allow the hard, cold reality of your situation to sink in, and then, when he is away, make the time and find a safe, unmonitored space in your house, in which to make preparation to leave. Get your essential documents together, and a few clothes etc. Copy financial paperwork. I know, it's not at all easy. But if this man doesn't threaten to throw you out over this, it will be something else. He is no good for your children and no good for you. And seek advice about the shared custody thing - I am sure that is just a ploy to keep you trapped. And good luck - you can do this

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2017 08:28

In case you were worried about phoning Womens Aid - that phone number will not appear on your phone bill!

motherofdaemons · 20/04/2017 09:51

I have never commented that someone should leave a relationship but you need to. This is highly controlling and toxic. It's really disgusting. I would do two things immediately; go and see a solicitor or CAB and get some advice on what money or benefits you would be entitled to. You work, so you have some income of your own, that is good.

Second thing. Go to the doctors. Now, today, and get a long lasting form of contraception, the coil or the implant, something like that. If you get pregnant you will be stuck.

Even if you are not sure you want to leave, still do these 2 things. You need to be prepared.

SandyY2K · 20/04/2017 10:05

This is horrific. He wants you to be stuck at home and dependant. Go and get a coil or contraceptive implant. Although I would not be sleeping with a man like him.

Please change your passwords for private things like MN.

Leave it at two children with him and chalk him as a mistake. Not your children, just him. Even if he changes his mind about wanting more kids, you should still leave him. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

2015mom · 20/04/2017 10:11

It's your body and your say.... ps I noticed you said not married which is his choice, if you want to be ,arrived then give him an ultimatum. If you don't want to be married then fair enough continue as you are.

Some men don't realise how hard it is raising children and ever ending so I would put your foot down and do what you want to do because you said you had difficult pregnancies too

UpYerGansey · 20/04/2017 11:40

He just wants your eggs. Not you.
Get away from him as quickly as you can.
He sounds like a monster.
Wishing you luck OP

specialsubject · 20/04/2017 11:48

don't leave - change locks and get an injunction for abuse.

and (as if you would want to) no further sex with this evil swine.

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