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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worries

61 replies

Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 18:06

I'm I'm long time Lurker on here and im not entirely sure if I'm posting in the right place.

Anyhoooo a little info background in myself etc

I've been with my husband for 9 years married fir just over 1. And we have 2 beautiful children together, our own house, good income ........

I do suffer from anxiety panic attacks but other than that I'm all good.

But what I can not he past is the totaldread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

I 1000000% believe that when he's not drunk he would NEVER cheat I know it's what they all say by honestly he really wouldn't be came from a broken family by where one parent cheated on the other and saw how distraught the other was and vowed never to cause that pain on me. And there has been no reason or sign that "whilst sober " he has

Problem area. .. alcohol...

When we first got together after about 6 months a had a huge argument and i ended it obviously just in anger he went out ended up getting really drunk and kissing another girl and had a little sucky sucky off her, he told me the next morning and was horrififed but he thought we were over otherwise it would have never happened.
Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc this happened almost everytime he was drunk for around 5 years. I want to add again this level of violence hasn't happened for about 3 years... there has been moments where he has lost his temper but never on that scale.
Obviously all the violence was my fault and i made him do it and i guess sometimes I did make him angry even though not on purpose.

He vowed never to drink to that extent again which he has stuck pretty much.

When he is sober he's the most perfect man and i love him more than anything. But he's gone on a stag do today and is staying overnight and i know he's going to get realllllyyyyy drunk and im worried that he's going to turn violent. Obviously not on me but on other people. And get into trouble and i have a horrible fear of him drunk cheating in me.. I know it's stupid cause he wouldn't do it whilst sober so why would he do it whilst drunk.....

I dont know why i posted but when I get a thought into my head it eats away at me... like its early afternoon but ive already had a text off him which implies hes already a little tipsy

How can i stop my anxious mind wandering

This was posted on another area by was told to post here instead

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 19:21

Stop making excuses for him and wearing blinkers over your eyes. On more than one occasion, it doesn't matter how long ago it was, he has strangled and beat you. He said he's going to kill you. You live in fear of him drinking because he might be violent. Currently this is your worry. He is a violent abuser. So what if he's lovely when he's sober, you still live in fear of the next time he drinks because he might repeat his behaviour. He is sick, he needs help. And so do you.

Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 19:22

Abusers always act lovely when they're not abusing.

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 19:24

He always says that I wouldn't beable to cope without him which is true my world revolves around my children and my husband.
When he gets angry he always says that he hates me and that no one else will ever want me.. then once he calms down he says he said it out of anger to shut me up.

I have no confidence and i just always feel crappy, I suppose when someone tells you how horrible and go much they hate you and thatno one will ever want me, just sticks with you and makes you feel worthless .

Funny thing is that every person we know always wounders why I'm with him and say I'm too beautiful for someone like him... I don't understand it because I never feel good enough for him

OP posts:
StewieGMum · 15/04/2017 19:24

Your children are in danger living with a father who is a violent and aggressive. You are in danger living with a man who is violent. Living with who is this violent will give you anxiety attacks.

He is not a good man or a good father. He is solely responsible for his behaviour. You are NOT responsible for his decisions to engage in violence. Drinking alcohol does not cause men to be violent.

Please reach out to the National domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247 They can help you and your children be safe.

farfarawayfromhome · 15/04/2017 19:25

It is only a matter of time before he hurts your children. If you don't leave him and he hurts them, that will be on you. Dear god, please leave him.

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 19:27

We are safe. He doesn't drink like he used to he knows if he ever got that drunk ever again me and the children would be gone.
He knows his drinking limit now but I'm worried That he's held back to years that tonight he willdrink far to much and his aggression will come out. And will hurt someone or he will do something silly and someone will hurt him

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 19:29

Hewould never be drunk around the children, with having an alcoholic mum growing up I've always said that no alcohol in the house and no being drunk around our children. I had a terrible childhood because of it and would never ever allow it for my children

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 19:32

The type of abuse he gives out is not only physical, its emotional and over time you've been conditioned by him to feel as though you won't cope without him. Your self esteem has been slowly eroded over time because of the messages he's giving you. No wonder you feel like crap and that you're worthless. He's manipulating you. Please get yourself some support. You can live without him. Do you want to live in fear and anxiety for the rest of your life with a man who makes you feel crap about yourself. You think that if you tip-toe enough around him, or act 'good enough' then you can control his rages and his drinking; this isn't your fault. You've been conditioned to feel it's your fault and your responsibility. It isn't. Only he is responsible for his rage and his drinking, only he can make changes to stop or change his behaviour. You're in an unhealthy dynamic with this man. He might not be a bad man but he's a sick one.

Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 19:35

It makes more sense reading that you grew up with an alcholic parent. This is faniliar to you, might you have recreated your childhood with this man, another raging alcoholic?

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 19:39

He's not a raging alcoholic... he just used to go to far when he used to drink which he has now stopped. He's only a social drinker now he goes out once every few months and maybe once a week to the local with his friends to have a pint.

OP posts:
nackle · 15/04/2017 19:41

It makes more sense reading that you grew up with an alcholic parent. This is faniliar to you, might you have recreated your childhood with this man, another raging alcoholic

This ^

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 19:43

I don't feel like I can live without him. He is the provide for the family I'm a sahm and have nothing. I only get a little set amount of money a week for myself off him. He pays for the house, bills car everything. I have nothing.

I love him and like I said I I lovely when sober, yes bar the little anger outbursts but they are nowhere near as violent as when he was stupid drunk.

I'm just fed up of all the anxiety everytime he goes out

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 19:57

he's not a raging alcholic

Except that you are anxious when he goes out and drinks because he might hurt you or someone else. And except that he has tried to strangle and hurt you in a few occasions. He's loses his temper and gets angry, and you feel it's your fault. Just because he can 'control' his drinking these days, (except for when he goes out sometimes), it doesn't mean he's not an alcholic. By raging, I mean that he 'rages', gets into rages. He sounds as if he has got into angry rages before, when he's been drinking.

isadoradancing123 · 15/04/2017 20:21

You are making excuses for him

WhisperingLoudly · 15/04/2017 20:28

It's not your anxiety that is making you anxious. It's the fact that you're married to a violent abuser who has previously cheated and broken your bones.

This is so tragic. Please get help

Happybunny19 · 15/04/2017 20:28

You're exposing your children to a situation you aren't able to control, stop kidding yourself you're able to protect them from someone who has previously strangled you to the point of passing out.

I used to have a friend at school who regularly witnessed his mother beaten up firstly by his father, then his older brother. He spent years literally fighting his own father and brother trying to protect his mother, it was an awful situation to grow up in. His parents eventually split and he lived with his mother. You might think he'd be really close to her, but he actually grew up resenting her for her pathetic tolerance of the violence and, after years of NC, built a closer relationship to his father.

You may have been able to protect your children from direct physical violence from your bullying pathetic, alcoholic husband, but they witness everything he does and says to you. They will grow up thinking that is a normal relationship and may well end up in the same abusive relationship themselves. Surely that thought must repel you mustn't it?

Read through your comments on this thread and see how much you defend his actions, that you know are wrong. No-one deserves to be brought up like this and you shouldn't live in fear of annoying him and provoking his anger. You are not to blame for his loss of control, that's all down entirely to him. Call Women's Aid and develop an escape plan before it's too late.

MamaBearsBoys · 15/04/2017 21:32

Please leave!! Please get your children out of there tonight and leave. I was in a similiar situation (without children) and the best thing I ever did was to leave. I am thankful every day that my life is now safe and secure and I have beautiful children to my husband who would never be violent and I never have to be scared of. Please leave and take your children out of there even if you have to go to a hotel or B & B until you find something else suitable x

MamaBearsBoys · 15/04/2017 21:39

Trust me. I thought I couldn't leave but now I actually think about that time in my life to realise how lucky I am now. To be able to go to sleep knowing that a drunk and violent man would not be getting into bed beside me. To wake up knowing that the person beside me will not be hungover and violent. Private message me. You need to leave there tonight!! Or pack bags tonight for you and mainly your children and leave tomorrow when he is asleep! X

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 22:02

I honestly do feel safe. I'm only on edge if he gets angry or fruststed but not scared. The only time I'm terrified is when I know he's drinking as I never know if he will drink too much.

I can totally deal with him saying horrible things to me because he doesnt mean them he just says them when he's annoyed with me.

If I thought my children were in danger I wouldn't hesitate to leave.
It's my family and i don't want my children to grow up in a broken family.

I know he loves me and g is really working on the anger

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 22:20

This is so frustrating. You just aren't ready to see what's in front of your eyes. You justify and defend him at every turn whilst admitting that there are times that you are 'terrified' of him. You sound completely deluded as to the reality of your relationship.

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 22:38

Hang on..... haven't you already posted about this today OP?

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 22:39

This thread

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 22:41

Get the old thread moved OP

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 22:45

And FFS..... why post looking for advice again, continue to minimise and make excuses and continue to put this shithead above the needs and safety of your kids. You have had a lot of excellent advice which you continue to ignore. Just remember you risk losing your kids regardless if they divulge what goes on as you are not safeguarding them.

Deadsouls · 15/04/2017 22:48

I've just read the other thread. I see you replied in much the same way there OP. I don't think that anyone can help you until you're ready to open your eyes and get out of the fog of denial you are so clearly in.

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