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(71 Posts)
Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:17:35

k I'm I'm long time Lurker on here and im not entirely sure if I'm posting in the right place.

Anyhoooo a little info background in myself etc

I've been with my husband for 9 years married fir just over 1. And we have 2 beautiful children together, our own house, good income ........

I do suffer from anxiety panic attacks but other than that I'm all good.

But what I can not he past is the totaldread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

I 1000000% believe that when he's not drunk he would NEVER cheat I know it's what they all say by honestly he really wouldn't be came from a broken family by where one parent cheated on the other and saw how distraught the other was and vowed never to cause that pain on me. And there has been no reason or sign that "whilst sober " he has

Problem area. .. alcohol...

When we first got together after about 6 months a had a huge argument and i ended it obviously just in anger he went out ended up getting really drunk and kissing another girl and had a little sucky sucky off her, he told me the next morning and was horrififed but he thought we were over otherwise it would have never happened.
Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc this happened almost everytime he was drunk for around 5 years. I want to add again this level of violence hasn't happened for about 3 years... there has been moments where he has lost his temper but never on that scale.
Obviously all the violence was my fault and i made him do it and i guess sometimes I did make him angry even though not on purpose.

He vowed never to drink to that extent again which he has stuck pretty much.

When he is sober he's the most perfect man and i love him more than anything. But he's gone on a stag do today and is staying overnight and i know he's going to get realllllyyyyy drunk and im worried that he's going to turn violent. Obviously not on me but on other people. And get into trouble and i have a horrible fear of him drunk cheating in me.. I know it's stupid cause he wouldn't do it whilst sober so why would he do it whilst drunk.....

I dont know why i posted but when I get a thought into my head it eats away at me... like its early afternoon but ive already had a text off him which implies hes already a little tipsy

How can i stop my anxious mind wandering

Softkitty2 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:21:18

You are anxious because you know he can go off on you and he is surely capable of it. It's like your just waiting for when it will happen.. The anxiety over cheating is the least of your problems.

On a daily basis do you feel you walk on egg shells?

Why did you marry him? Violence is never acceptable

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Apr-17 14:24:42

Bloody hell, this guy is a complete and utter bastard! Why on earth are you with him?

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:24:49

Sucky sucky? WTAF?
He gets shit faced and violent? Get your kids away from this man. No wonder you have anxiety.
Stop making excuses. He hasn't shown "this level of violence" so it's ok? No level of violence is ok.
Poor kids.
And cheating on you? The least of your worries.
Get proper legal advice OP.

Evelight Sat 15-Apr-17 14:27:51

I am trying to say this in a way which will come across as sympathetic, because I have to tell you, your post is absolutely horrifying and not because of the cheating...

But why is your dread due to the possibility of his cheating while drunk, and not the possibility of him ACTUALLY KILLING YOU while drunk?

Given the situation you describe, the main source of worry and dread should be the possibility THAT HE MIGHT KILL YOU while drunk, not that he might cheat.

Crispbutty Sat 15-Apr-17 14:28:41

He sounds utterly vile. Cheating is the least of your worries. He's a violent thug.

I would use his absence now as the opportunity to pack my bags and leave. And I'm not joking. You can't live on eggshells every time he has a drink.

Suppose you ask him a question he doesn't like when he comes home.. he's likely to be violent.

Don't put your family through this.

Giggorata Sat 15-Apr-17 14:28:58

If this post is for real, what Wolfie said... shock

ohfourfoxache Sat 15-Apr-17 14:29:20

Agree with previous posters- cheating is the absolute very very very least of your worries.

He's a violent, alcoholic thug.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, get rid of him

Evelight Sat 15-Apr-17 14:32:04

And in other words, please get away from this man.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:32:11

Please dont say poor kids as I would never let him hurt them and as I said he isn't violent when he's sober, ok he gets angry and shouts and breaks things but from what I can remember he hasn't hit me whilst sober, just the odd grab, and if he ever shouts at our children I'm always there to stop him and move him away.

I don't always walk on egg shells but there are times where I gulp and panic if he's in a mood and shouting at me. But most of the time hes fine, a laugh and mess around and are a living Couple.

I'm with him because I love him and most of the time like I said he's lovely.
And he says i probably wouldn't beable to cope without him which is sort of true. My world revolves around him and our children.

Miniwookie Sat 15-Apr-17 14:34:22

He hasn't been violent since your youngest was born? So your eldest witnessed this?

ohfourfoxache Sat 15-Apr-17 14:35:49

But if you have to be alert to make sure that you have to protect the dc AT ALL then they ARE going to be affected. You can't do anything to stop it.

Trust us all when we say you need to get rid of him and fast

Evelight Sat 15-Apr-17 14:36:05

"Please dont say poor kids as I would never let him hurt them "

How would you prevent it? If he came home drunk, violent and abusive, and decided to turn on the kids, how would you stop him?

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:36:37

I have said in the past 3 years that he hasn't drunk to the extent that he used to and had been no where near as violent.

He did used to threaten to "kill me" when g was in them states but he always said he said it out of anger and was always mortified th3 next morning and felt mortified. And I always used to say I wasgoing to leave him but he Amway promised it would never happen again.... and when I did actually leave he promised he wouldn't drink to that extent again....

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:36:57

Yes poor kids. He gets angry and shouty. He breaks things and grabs you. You have to stop him verbally abusing the kids?
You can love him but he's an abusive arsehole and you would be better off without him. Your world should revolve around your kids. Not appeasing and protecting your kids from this man.
They know what he does to you. They know what he's like. I bet he scares them. And you aren't keeping them safe from that.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:37:47

Evelight....I would do anything and evrything

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:39:12

Nowhere near as violent? FFS no level of violence is ok. What would you say if one of your kids had a partner who was a bit violent? Wouldn't your heart break for them and you be desperate to get them away from this person
Threatening to kill you? If he can threaten it then he can do it. And then it's too late to be sorry.
Get some RL help and advice OP. This relationship is toxic.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:39:18


Yes our eldest did see one time and i was pregnant with our youngest, that time our neighbours called the police and i think that's what's also made him want to change

Evelight Sat 15-Apr-17 14:39:56

" I'm always there to stop him and move him away."

Are you that much stronger than him, then? Do you physically move him away? What if one day you are not at home and he is with the kids and he becomes violent/shouty/abusive? Are you there guarding your children from this man 24/7? Is he never with the kids alone?

You are not responsible for his violent behaviour. But you are responsible for trying to create a safe, calm home for your children, where they can develop and flourish without the fear of being (physically) abused by their father.

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:40:00

X post again. And he would probably kill you if you got in the way.
If you're not safe then his kids aren't either.

MidnightVelvetthe7th Sat 15-Apr-17 14:40:28

Fuck the cheating, are you not worried he's going to strangle you?

Just for info if he puts his hands around your neck then its deemed more serious than punching/breaking your fingers. I cannot believe how much you have minimised this. What makes you think you will be able to stop him if he goes for one of your children?

Obviouspretzel Sat 15-Apr-17 14:41:21

You're obviously not going to listen to anything anyone says on here. He is a violent, disgusting man who is damaging you and your kids lives and will continue to do so as long as you stay with him. I can only hope that you're a troll.

Perriemerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:42:41

I'm not a bad mother if I thought he would hurt my children I wouldn't still be here... it's me that clearly makes him angry. I would never keep my children somewhere I thought they would be in danger

EffinElle Sat 15-Apr-17 14:42:50

I'd be more worried about him killing you! Why are you minimising his violence? Why does your world revolve around him hmm
Seriously LTB.

Evelight Sat 15-Apr-17 14:42:57

."I would do anything and evrything"

So are you mentally and emotionally psyching yourself up for the day when you will physically have to confront him over the kids? Because that day will come- you know it, deep down. As the kids grow older, they too will become targets of his violence. Maybe they've "escaped" so far just bc they are still quite small, but as they become teenagers/go through puberty, he WILL see them as targets, and you know it. And they do too.

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