Recently separated, hate my new life

[CarrieMayBe]

Discovered husband's affair last November, he eventually left the day after Boxing Day despite my attempts to save our marriage. We have 4DCs.

He has the kids EOW and one night on the weekend inbetween. He has just had them for the past week, they return later today.

They love going to his, he is all out Disney Dad but I'm glad they're happy - I do appreciate them not wishing to go would be much harder on everybody. I enjoy my freedom to a certain extent when they're not here but I do miss them terribly.

Divorce process has started, I am frankly terrified of the future as I was a SAHM for most of our 20yr marriage. My solicitor assures me I'll come out ok but I'm in a constant state of panic over finances for the future. I need to train as something in order to earn a living but I have no idea what to train as and how to work around the children. They have been through so much and I hate the thought of putting them in childcare in the school holidays but again, I accept that they will need to get over it. Just seems so unfair. I panic constantly about where I will find work and what it will be. I don't need to work yet as STBEx is currently paying a good sum in maintenance and I'm claiming all I'm entitled to. It will need to happen upon our divorce being finalised though and as youngest child is almost 7 there are no reasons why I cannot work and I want to anyway. Just don't know what to do when I have no qualifications and no family to help me out.

STBEx meanwhile seems so settled. Obviously he wouldn't tell me if he wasn't but it certainly appears that way. No money worries, no fear about his financial security and apart from his contact times with the children he never has to worry about childcare etc for them. I feel he has thrown our entire lives up in the air and walked away without so much as a care. I hate him so much for this and I don't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment. It tears me apart not knowing what he's doing when he doesn't have the children, I suspect he is still either seeing the OW or has someone new. Crazy thing is, our marriage was miserable and he was a shit husband so I do know that deep down I will be happier eventually but I can't see how to get to that point.

I go out at weekends fairly regularly and have a good time with friends but when I'm at home alone all I want to do is cry. I've been fighting tears all day today. I just feel so sad at what my life has become, I'm almost 39 and I feel like it's over and actually I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. This isn't what I mapped my life out to be like, I didn't want my children to come from a broken home and have 2 separate lives. I don't want to be a single parent and despite how unhappy my marriage made me feel - and it would feel even worse now knowing about his aldultery - I'd take him back in a heartbeat just to be able to return to 'normality'. He doesn't want me though and that cuts like a knife.

20yrs...and for what? I'm so lonely and spend hours on dating sites but despite getting lots of attention I don't have any confidence left after all he's done so would never dare meet anyone. Yet I crave to be in a relationship just so I don't have to spend so much time on my own. Someone to share things with. I have friends but they're all married so have little time for me and certainly not at weekends as they're all doing family stuff.

I just want my old life back, how do I even begin to get over this?

My H also left the day after Boxing Day - we'd been together 10 years and have a two year old son. I completely get where you're coming from but everyone is telling me that time will heal and you simply cannot rush the process. I had counselling too and was frustrated by it as she didn't want to talk about him or why he left or what he was thinking/doing - and rightly so. We have no control over what others are thinking or feeling but we do have control and responsibility for ourselves. I keep saying this to myself over and over when I'm feeling a bit low. I HATE having to give our son over to my ex but on the plus side, he only has him one afternoon and one night a week. Like you, I feel so lonely and I hate the way my life is but what can you do? You have to take each day at a time and there is absolutely no point looking back and going over things in your mind. I work 3 days a week and that has really kept me going so I really hope you find your vocation and do someting that requires 100% of your focus to give your mind a break from all the shit that's happening to you. I feel for you, I really do. It's so awful but at 39, you're still really young and you just need to take baby steps. I'm 46 and still feel hopefull for the future although I can't imagine ever marrying again. My solicitor is also going to push for me to keep the house although it'll mean H will have to be on the mortgage for a while until I can support myself. He's with OW now. Take care love - I really do believe things will get better in time :-)

Oh and when you need to cry, just cry. It helps to get it all out xx

It will be ok. Don't look too far ahead but take it a day, a decision at a time.

What is in your control right now? What decisions do you need to make now?

Everything else can wait until the right time.

Sorry to hear that Carrie try and hold on to the fact that all you have to do for now is to get through one day at a time. I was very young and it was much less complicated for me when my first marriage broke down, but even then it was awful. It's the loss of your ideals and the marriage you thought you had, and the husband you thought you had that hurts so much. Cuddle your lovely children and start a new day tomorrow. One day in the future you will wake up and the sun will be shining for you again.

Polly I'm so sorry you've had the same thing happen to you. Thing is, I don't think I even miss him - not now my eyes have been opened to the shit he really is - but I miss my family being the way it was. My life being the way it was.

Tomato this is the stupid thing, I don't even need to make any decisions right now. I can carry on exactly the way I am until the divorce is through, maybe the house will go on the market before then but apart from that, nothing really needs to change. When I'm feeling rational I can tell myself that but I only believe it for a short while then it all starts up again.

I've just railed at my 6yo because he won't go to sleep without me sitting with him. It's not his fault he's so insecure at the moment, not helped by ex keeping them up late when they're with him so they're all out of sync when they return home. I don't get any time to myself in the evenings as by the time he's asleep I want to go to bed too as I wake really early - usually by 5am - so I'm knackered. After shouting at him I came downstairs and broke down but my 9yo DD came in and saw me crying which made her cry too...I just feel like I'm letting them all down.

Think I'll try and make a dr's appt for tomorrow, I can't carry on like this.

Carrie, no advice unfortunately but I'm in a strikingly similar situation (though with less assets in the pot sadly) and just wanted to say how much your post resonates with me, especially this bit; There's an overbearing feeling of unfairness about all this and I need to find a way of letting go of it but I just do not know how to.

I too have been a SAHM (also had a stint as a trailing spouse) and STBXH walked out in January after 20 years together, leaving me to deal with DCs, DDogs, half-renovated house and general ensuing emotional carnage whilst he swans off into the sunset with OW.

I can totally identify with the panic of feeling you need to do everything now because you're just so afraid and uncertain of what the future may hold. My solicitor has also suggested X may have to fund me retraining, but I think my degree is largely redundant now (so long ago!) and have absolutely no clue what I want to do! I think the advice to "hibernate" and take stock for a year is absolutely spot on. I have found a part time job which is pretty mind numbing and badly paid but it's a job, enables me to receive WTC and also to "show willing" as it were, whilst also giving me a bit of leeway to consider what I'd like to do longer term. Also doing a few hours in a cafe over the weekends when DC aren't around, I really enjoy it and it keeps me occupied as well as paying for a few treats now and then.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you luck - I really hope you get to follow your dream

Yes, we are pining for the life we had - the security of it - but like you, now I've seen him for his true colours, I'd never have him back. Even if he begged.

Carrie, I'm going through the same. My advise to you is please, please, please don't go out dating. It's much too soon and you are not in the right place emotionally for it.
Let the divorce happen, wait until it's over, get yourself and your finances sorted and start thinking about going back to work and all the practicalities of life.
There are so many really nasty men out there looking for someone just like you to sponge off and know how to make you feel wanted. you need to be sorted in order to sort out the wheat from the chaff.
It takes time, be patient. Lots of hugs, its tough - we'll get through it.

Carrie - well done for getting here! It's hell, but you are doing brilliantly and things can and will get better.

I am a little concerned about your counselling. Getting divorced after 20 years isn't something that can be talked through in 6 sessions. Is there anyone you can see long-term? I know finances are tight, but there are charities that offer low-cost counselling (income based) in some areas. I really think you would benefit from talking this through.

Why you were so determined to stay in a marriage that made you so miserable? What expectations do you have of men and relationships? Why is your own happiness so far down the list?

I know it's hard to imagine, but this whole nightmare may be something you are grateful for a few years down the line. My divorce was traumatic and I thought I would 'literally' die of a broken-heart but now I am glad it happened and wouldn't go back for the world.

I've been seeing a guy for 10 months (met through OLD) and we haven't met each other's DC yet. Mine are older 15,13 & 8 and know about him but we're in no rush.

Sorry posted on wrong thread. Silly mobile site. Not sure how to get it removed.

Similar boat OP and similar timeframe. I'm very up and down - positive, motivated one day, weepy and hopeless the next (and I'm already on anti-depressants for anxiety! They are helping though).

Stepping back from making big changes and decisions has helped me not panic. They can wait til I feel better and have a clearer idea of where I am financially. I'm learning to be patient and to get us back on even keel before taking any big steps. Give yourself time to breathe and recover

I totally identify. A year ago I was very fearful and felt that everything I had in my life was a house of cards and would tumble down soon as. I had been paralysed by this fear for a good year. I was taught that there is such a thing as catastrophising and thinking the world will end.

The thing is, the world will keep spinning, what has happened to you is one of the most testing things you will ever go through, and you surviving this will mean that you can survive anything. Whilst you are in the eye of the storm you need to keep walking.

This grief you are feeling is awful. It is your hopes and dreams for you life ripped away. Slowly you need to create new dreams, new habits - and that will take time. Today is the 2 year anniversary of my d-day. I never thought I could be happy again, but what do you know - here I am.

OP, same situation here, 2 plus years on. It's unfair, it's hard, its horrid. It's normal not to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get on with it. You need time to adjust. I'd just say, don't make any decisions you don't have to. The finances won't change much if you do a TA course next year, and no court will criticise you for taking a year rather than 3 months to decide. And use your shit hot lawyer, and do not be afraid to fight for what you are due. You stayed at home because you made a joint decision that that was best, and now it's gone wrong, there are consequences that he, too has to face. For my own part, I accepted second best for a long time, I accepted what he said was right, I put myself second to him. I am a jolly sight happier now I have made a decision not to do that any more. I deserve better, I deserve as secure a future as I can get and if it's to his detriment, I'm happy with that.

Why you were so determined to stay in a marriage that made you so miserable? What expectations do you have of men and relationships? Why is your own happiness so far down the list?*

I stayed mostly because I didn't want to rip my children's' worlds apart and mostly because I knew I'd end up in exactly this situation. I'd been a SAHM for so many years I was acutely aware just how buggered I'd be at standing on my own two feet. Also, there was a bit of 'better the devil you know' thrown in and, having been with him since I was 17, it was all I knew. Hence why I'm struggling so much now, he may have been a grade A arsehole but I grew up with him pretty much and not having him in my life is killing me even though I know I'm so much better off without him.

As for my happiness - I've always been a bit of a martyr and put everybody ahead of myself. It's just what I've always done although I am trying to relearn a new behaviour and to start putting myself first but the guilt is crippling. I spoke to DD1 yesterday about my plans to go to uni and explained that I cannot do it without taking on an au pair. She immediately said she wouldn't be at all comfortable with having one living with us so I scrapped the whole idea. However, she is 17 and may not even be living at home by the time I need an au pair but that's me, I can't do anything if I feel I'm compromising my children's wishes. How do I overcome those feelings of guilt?

Today has been hideous. I had a panic attack upon waking, couldn't get a GP appt so took the kids to school and went back to bed. Got up around linchtime and couldn't stop the tears. Rang ex-MIL and she was wonderful, she told me to ring me ex and get him to help out by picking the kids up from school. Huge mistake. He basically told me to get a grip and the only help he offered was to take the kids off me full time.

Rang the Wellbeing service that runs my therapy to see if I can see her sooner than Monday but she wasn't in the office. They don't offer a crisis service and told me to go to A&E which I couldn't face but did say when I ring surgery tomorrow if I tell them I'm in crisis then they should offer me an appt even if they're fully booked so that's the plan.

I actually feel more settled tonight but I'm sure it won't last.

Can't thank you all enough for your kind words and hand holding

I had been paralysed by this fear for a good year. I was taught that there is such a thing as catastrophising and thinking the world will end.

Yes, I recognise this too. Breaking days into bite-sized manageable chunks helps to deal with this. The new world order seems impossible to cope with at times, and you can only deal with it one step at a time.

Prioritise. I noticed that my kids started to catastrophise about little things (to them they were big) because they were picking up on me scrambling. Being in a rush to get everyone to school possibly shouting a bit from exhaustion and stress I would hear a small voice in the back of the car ask worriedly 'will we be in trouble because we are late?' Or my then 8yo saying 'don't worry if we miss swimming, Mum, if it's too much for you.' 8!!!! They sensed the fingernail grip I had on coping, and worried that their little lives and routines were subject to flux and uncertainty. Unsettling all round. And very illustrative of how contagious our feelings are.

By the way, I am encouraged that you could seek help from your ex-MIL. I have had quiet valuable support from mine, and we respectfully know our relationship has changed without discussing it.

Hope today is a better day for you. Take it hour by hour, one cup of tea at a time.

As a stranger it seems to me that you need to put yourself first. Can you have more conversations with your 17 year old and see what solutions she has - if I had prevented my mum following her dreams I would look back as an adult and cringe.

Could you pay her to do some childcare ?
What are her plans after school? What opportunities will she have that you didn't?

She is almost an adult and part of being an adult is realising the true implications of your actions. Can you map out your future for her with or without your degree course?

You're actually really young. My mum didn't even have me until she was 42 and had only come back from a foreign country with nothing but the clothes on her back at the age of 37. Trained in a whole new career, set up a business - all from absolutely zero.

At 39 your life is just beginnning. It is the dawn of a new chapter. You literally have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Things will be tough now and there will be hard times, but there is a world of possibilities with school age children. Focus on finding a career, or a qualification that takes you into something interesting, and building a social life rather than finding a man. You are vulnerable now and you may find yourself going from frying pan to fire with some man who exploits you.