Recently separated, hate my new life

[CarrieMayBe]

Discovered husband's affair last November, he eventually left the day after Boxing Day despite my attempts to save our marriage. We have 4DCs.

He has the kids EOW and one night on the weekend inbetween. He has just had them for the past week, they return later today.

They love going to his, he is all out Disney Dad but I'm glad they're happy - I do appreciate them not wishing to go would be much harder on everybody. I enjoy my freedom to a certain extent when they're not here but I do miss them terribly.

Divorce process has started, I am frankly terrified of the future as I was a SAHM for most of our 20yr marriage. My solicitor assures me I'll come out ok but I'm in a constant state of panic over finances for the future. I need to train as something in order to earn a living but I have no idea what to train as and how to work around the children. They have been through so much and I hate the thought of putting them in childcare in the school holidays but again, I accept that they will need to get over it. Just seems so unfair. I panic constantly about where I will find work and what it will be. I don't need to work yet as STBEx is currently paying a good sum in maintenance and I'm claiming all I'm entitled to. It will need to happen upon our divorce being finalised though and as youngest child is almost 7 there are no reasons why I cannot work and I want to anyway. Just don't know what to do when I have no qualifications and no family to help me out.

STBEx meanwhile seems so settled. Obviously he wouldn't tell me if he wasn't but it certainly appears that way. No money worries, no fear about his financial security and apart from his contact times with the children he never has to worry about childcare etc for them. I feel he has thrown our entire lives up in the air and walked away without so much as a care. I hate him so much for this and I don't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment. It tears me apart not knowing what he's doing when he doesn't have the children, I suspect he is still either seeing the OW or has someone new. Crazy thing is, our marriage was miserable and he was a shit husband so I do know that deep down I will be happier eventually but I can't see how to get to that point.

I go out at weekends fairly regularly and have a good time with friends but when I'm at home alone all I want to do is cry. I've been fighting tears all day today. I just feel so sad at what my life has become, I'm almost 39 and I feel like it's over and actually I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. This isn't what I mapped my life out to be like, I didn't want my children to come from a broken home and have 2 separate lives. I don't want to be a single parent and despite how unhappy my marriage made me feel - and it would feel even worse now knowing about his aldultery - I'd take him back in a heartbeat just to be able to return to 'normality'. He doesn't want me though and that cuts like a knife.

20yrs...and for what? I'm so lonely and spend hours on dating sites but despite getting lots of attention I don't have any confidence left after all he's done so would never dare meet anyone. Yet I crave to be in a relationship just so I don't have to spend so much time on my own. Someone to share things with. I have friends but they're all married so have little time for me and certainly not at weekends as they're all doing family stuff.

I just want my old life back, how do I even begin to get over this?

A friend of mine negotiated as part of her divorce that her ex paid spousal maintenance while she was at uni. It was argued that having spent years supporting his career by caring for their children she should be able to train to get herself a career.
Three years down the line I have realised that though it seemed logical that I have the children during the week and my ex have them at weekends that really skewed the burden of responsibility. As pps have said, he got all the fun times and I got the routine, school run etc.
My youngest was 7 when we first split and now is able to walk to and from school alone when necessary which has helped me increase my work hours.

Surely his business is half yours? I'd be pushing for 50% of that - your sah status allowed him to put the hours in and build it up. You made major life decisions on the basis of owning that business jointly with him (wrt sah and retirement).

I would also stop the one night every weekend at his. Agree with pp that you need quality time as well as the routine stuff with the dc.

I also thought the business was now classed as a matrimonial asset? You clearly don't want him to sell it but your solicitor should talk to you about this and what value to be placed upon your share.

Solicitor will look at his business and we will get it valued once his financial disclosure is in our hands. Ex claims there isn't enough capital in the business for me to be able to get anything from it - I doubt this is true but if it is then I will be going for a bigger share of the house to compensate.

I won't be in poverty after the divorce but I will need to earn, as much for my independence as anything else, and I can't get past the panic of what I can do and how I can work it. I'm constantly scanning job ads and there is nothing - I don't even have basic IT skills to get any kind of office job.

The only thing I'm good at is cleaning!

Thinking about it, if it's what you really want to do, don't rule out nursing in future. Maybe you could negotiate the cost of live-in childcare during training. Once you qualify you would find that 3x 12hr shifts = full time work and the weekend shifts are often the hard ones for them to cover?

I would think if his income is substantial you are likely to get spousal maintenance for a longer period of time.

It's about the children's needs and you are unlikely to earn enough to support 4 children and childcare costs on a relatively part time job/salary.Courts will ask that you take some responsibility but it must be realistic.

It is still very early days and if you want to join others in a similar position post on the divorce board..lots of us there dealing with issues and emotions.

Sorry that you are going through this.

You've had good advice already and whilst I am no expert I just couldn't ignore the 'only thing I'm good at is cleaning' comment. Your post is eloquent and although you might not feel it you sound very together as you are very clear about the things that you need to deal with.

Don't even refer to the 'broken home' reference. A happy home does not mean 2 parents. He has let his family down big style, how it goes from here is not pre determined as awful, even though it isn't what you planned (for the long term).

Look after yourself and take it 1 day at a time.

Finally think about what job you would like to do and then head in that direction. You really are still young.

Ex claims there isn't enough capital in the business for me to be able to get anything from it

I'm no expert but I think that's a load of big hairy bollocks.

Have you thought about getting an au pair whilst you do your nursing degree? Get him to carry on paying for you as when you were a sahm.

You need a lovely lawyer.

I traded my share in xh's business for more equity - it took a lot of wrangling and stubbornness on my part to get there though. If you have a smaller mortgage and outgoings that will help you.

Can you think about having an au pair? Don't give up your dreams - he's taken so much already don't let him and his choices stop you any longer. You just need to find the way.

It takes time to recover from the shock and to put plans in place and you really shouldn't be beating yourself up about not bouncing back straight away. And even if he is giving the appearance of being happy now - is he really? Things are likely to be unravelling for him just at the point you're getting happy again.

Oh my, an au pair is a genius idea!!! Absolutely! I could actually do that couldn't I?

I'd have to keep one on after I'd qualified though, don't people find it odd having another person living with them?

Except I don't have a spare bedroom And after I move when the family house is sold I'm already looking at having to downsize and use a reception room as a bedroom for a DC.

There should be enough money though for me to make this work somehow...

I spent 6 years putting myself back together after just 4 years of an abusive marriage. Stayed single all that time. Suddenly I felt ok about myself and looked at online dating.

Then my second online date was my now DH at 43. You know there's no hurry to date. Bad dating is crippling for confidence.

Could you consider professions allied to medicine such as pharmacy or physiotherapist? Some of the same job satisfaction as nursing and midwifery but more sensible hours.

For what it's worth, my good friend has been a single parent (always, was never together with the father) and said to me the years she had au pairs living with her were some of the best of her life - she is still in touch with many of them and remembers them fondly.

Don't undervalue your share of the assets and settle too easily. And don't take his word for it when he says there is not much money in the business - if the plan was that the business would support your (joint) retirement, then there is more value in it than he claims - don't trade your share for too little. You cannot trust him to be honest with you, so go through it all with a fine tooth comb.
It is also entirely reasonable to keep the house until your youngest is 18 - you have to house the dc. Sell it by all means if that is ultimately to your financial benefit but don't be pressures into it if it suits you to stay put.

An au pair? Yes you could. You could also argue you need sufficient equity from the marriage to be able to afford a sufficiently large home to house you, 4 kids + an au pair, now that you have to pay your way... Just saying...

I'm 2 years post d-day and not contemplating dating yet. No rush. I'm the same age as you.

Be kind to yourself - you are still grieving and physically need to recover. It is great you have the TA part time job - ease yourself back in gradually. Your husband had a long time to consider and plan to leave you that is why he looks like he is doing well. 20 years especially as you got together so young is an incredible amount of your life that you spent together and he has trashed that.

My friend did midwifery using a childcare "pick up and school drop off" lady and an au pair (for late nights/all nighters). Her children shared bedrooms and she slept in the living room to create a room for the au pair. You could do a healthcare career with more child friendly hours such as Occupational Therapy. Make plans by all means but get into the right headspace first.

I did a very difficult MSc course straight out and my brain just wasn't working right - I literally thought it would explode doing my thesis. I don't know how I got through it - it was madness. Recover first! You are still young -seriously - there are so may mature students now. Don't forget you will need some voluntary work experience related to the healthcare degree you will apply for.

Be kind to yourself for now - be gentle and look out for your DC the rest will come eventually.

OP, I can tell you that six months is nothing in the grand scheme of things and expecting you to have "got over" it by now is deluded and cruel. I have been in your shoes and even now 3.5 years on, I am still trying to recover. IMO, it's too soon for a relationship, you've got a billion and one things to do first before you're in the right place for that. I made my first serious attempt at a relationship recently but quickly realised I wasn't ready and ended it. I am not sure I ever will be ready. However, counselling helped a huge amount and I've had a lot of it, it may be worth pursuing that (I have skim read thread so may have missed if you've already considered it). Take your time, be kind to yourself, put yourself back together first. Good luck

I know I'm far from ready for a relationship, I guess I just can't help thinking if I wasn't lonely and had company when the kids are at ex's then I'd feel so much happier.

Have been doing lots of research...I could start an access course in September that lasts for 12 months. Then, assuming I pass, could hopefully get on either a nursing degree course or I have actually been looking at Operating Department Practioners. It's only a 2yr diploma to be one of those and the job description sounds fascinating.

I'd need to decide before signing up to the TA course on Thursday though as that will be a waste of the £500 it's going to cost me. If I did the diploma or degree I'd need an au pair for sure but how much do they realistically cost? I can see a rough guide in terms of wages (or pocket money they seem to call it) but they would need a car as we live rurally and kids don't have any other way of getting to school 6 miles away so that wouldn't be cheap to run and insure.

Just not certain I could afford it but it seems too good an option to not look into it further.

And this is why I bloody love MN, I knew what I wanted to do - have wanted to do it for years but DH refused to help with the shift hours so never had a chance - and this really is my chance to do it as part of my overall new start. I don't want to settle for something low paid and uninteresting to me - as a PP said in 5yrs time I won't be happy and more to the point when my youngest finishes school in 10yrs time I could still be earning a low wage. This way at least I'll be making something of my life finally and it'll be 2 fingers up to that arsehole

Good for you, take some time to get things worked out and go for it Do recommend you keep an eye on NHS jobs to see what sort of numbers of vacancies there are around in the different fields before you choose. Nursing is much more varied in the different roles you can go into, and there are generally more jobs around, but other careers, (like ODP as you mention) may suit you better. Could you find an access course that would be suitable for entry to a wide range of different options? Also you will probably meet people through your study courses, so you will find some new company that way, and have study to fill your spare time. By the time you qualify you will be ready to think about a new relationship too.

Now my head is totally spinning

This is the pressure I feel constantly under. To do something now because I don't know what the future holds. For all I know, I could come out of the financial settlement with no immediate need to work for a few years which would give me ample time to train. Or, I could be forced into working any job and struggling to juggle the children at any point within the next few months.

I can feel the panic rising again to make this decision before Thursday so I don't take on this TA course. What do I do? I'm really struggling to cope

My sister in law is a nurse and she always does night shifts and then sleeps 9 to 1 while kids are at school and then gets up does normal stuff then has v early night. Could you ring up university's and ask if you could do training shifts at night? Even though you would need an au pair you would still be up and present when dc's were up.

What about radiography?

I agree with others ... focus on being kind to yourself, take it easy, say no to lots of things, then focus on career, then lastly on a new partner.

Keep posting.

Just be really gentle with you. You've had a trauma. Xx

IMO do the access course. It's what you've always wanted to do. You're not gunning to be a rock star fgs, you're a lovely caring person who wants to be a midwife. I am guessing that access courses are broad and mean you can apply to nursing and other courses?

I'd push for the access course - I'm pretty sure at my local college you can get a student loan for one but it gets written off if you go on to start a degree.
A friend of mine who wanted to change career got some bank hours as a health care assistant at a local private hospital.

I know the college I was at would want you to take a two year Access course, OP. There are student fees for the second year as it's level 3, but you wouldn't have to repay if you went on to take a degree. I'm not sure about a diploma, but I'm sure you can find that out online.

I wouldn't do the TA thing - it's going to cost you money and besides, there are so many people hunting those jobs, including a lot of ex-teachers, so there's no guarantee you'd get the job. Follow your dream instead.