Recently separated, hate my new life

[CarrieMayBe]

Discovered husband's affair last November, he eventually left the day after Boxing Day despite my attempts to save our marriage. We have 4DCs.

He has the kids EOW and one night on the weekend inbetween. He has just had them for the past week, they return later today.

They love going to his, he is all out Disney Dad but I'm glad they're happy - I do appreciate them not wishing to go would be much harder on everybody. I enjoy my freedom to a certain extent when they're not here but I do miss them terribly.

Divorce process has started, I am frankly terrified of the future as I was a SAHM for most of our 20yr marriage. My solicitor assures me I'll come out ok but I'm in a constant state of panic over finances for the future. I need to train as something in order to earn a living but I have no idea what to train as and how to work around the children. They have been through so much and I hate the thought of putting them in childcare in the school holidays but again, I accept that they will need to get over it. Just seems so unfair. I panic constantly about where I will find work and what it will be. I don't need to work yet as STBEx is currently paying a good sum in maintenance and I'm claiming all I'm entitled to. It will need to happen upon our divorce being finalised though and as youngest child is almost 7 there are no reasons why I cannot work and I want to anyway. Just don't know what to do when I have no qualifications and no family to help me out.

STBEx meanwhile seems so settled. Obviously he wouldn't tell me if he wasn't but it certainly appears that way. No money worries, no fear about his financial security and apart from his contact times with the children he never has to worry about childcare etc for them. I feel he has thrown our entire lives up in the air and walked away without so much as a care. I hate him so much for this and I don't know how to let go of the bitterness and resentment. It tears me apart not knowing what he's doing when he doesn't have the children, I suspect he is still either seeing the OW or has someone new. Crazy thing is, our marriage was miserable and he was a shit husband so I do know that deep down I will be happier eventually but I can't see how to get to that point.

I go out at weekends fairly regularly and have a good time with friends but when I'm at home alone all I want to do is cry. I've been fighting tears all day today. I just feel so sad at what my life has become, I'm almost 39 and I feel like it's over and actually I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. This isn't what I mapped my life out to be like, I didn't want my children to come from a broken home and have 2 separate lives. I don't want to be a single parent and despite how unhappy my marriage made me feel - and it would feel even worse now knowing about his aldultery - I'd take him back in a heartbeat just to be able to return to 'normality'. He doesn't want me though and that cuts like a knife.

20yrs...and for what? I'm so lonely and spend hours on dating sites but despite getting lots of attention I don't have any confidence left after all he's done so would never dare meet anyone. Yet I crave to be in a relationship just so I don't have to spend so much time on my own. Someone to share things with. I have friends but they're all married so have little time for me and certainly not at weekends as they're all doing family stuff.

I just want my old life back, how do I even begin to get over this?

This is the Access course, I thought they were 2yrs but this definitely says one? I think an acquaintance I have on Facebook did it last year so going to message her and see what I can find out

www.ccn.ac.uk/course/access-higher-education-science-health-practitioners

You will be alright. Your STBXH will have to pay you spousal until you can refrain and find work. That realistically could take many years.
You may be awarded the majority of the equity in the house depending on his business as he will have to offset it.

Might it be worth getting a third party in to value his business so you are not taken for a ride?

Advice I was once wisely given was, get a good financial advisor who deal with divorce. Get him involved before even a solicitor. This keeps you aware and focused on things that might disappear.

Please also remember that only the last twelve months financial details have to be declared. Get a good solicitor. If your husband drags this part out it might be that he's trying to dispose of assets, so he can leave 12 months before he declares himself financially (legally).

If he knew things were shaky could he have moved savings, business assets or other assets before you found out about the affair last November?

Try to get financial declaration asap even if it means family court.

His financial declaration should be completed within the next week or so and then we will exchange form E's. It's entirely possible he has shifted funds around, I really have no idea (this is the man who squirrelled cash away to buy himself a mid-life crisis car without me knowing anything about it a few years back). All I can hope is that his books add up, I obviously have a rough idea of what he was earning up until he left so if his profits take a massive dip then alarm bells will ring.

I think my solicitor is good, she's level headed and I like that. The first one I saw was very reactionary - saying he'd be made to sell the business if he couldn't give me anything from it which may well be true but I now know there are other ways which will benefit me long term such as offsetting against the house. Last thing I want to do is reduce his earning capability as maintenance would go down then! The solicitor I have now seems very on the ball but realistic and I'd rather that than have my hopes raised only to find out it's unlikely to be achieved. I've been advised that going to court will cost me in the region of £20,000 so I want to avoid that at all costs if possible but I will go rather than walk away with an unsatisfactory settlement.

Good luck OP.

That's a lot of court costs.

We had the divorce from hell but my costs were £7.5 k in 2008 and ours dragged out for two years with two court visits.

I'm not sure about spousal maintenance.
He could just shut up shop and disappear.

Can you not go for all the house and half pension.

I'd have been up the river without a paddle if I'd had spousal maintenance. I'd been a sahm mother and grandmother.
Mine died just 7 years after the divorce.

Just something to think about. My solicitor was excellent. She wanted a clean break. That was good for me.

Hi, so much of your story rings true to me. My children are more or less independent now, both drive and have small cars, but they are still only 17 and 19. There is no decent age to cope with this sort of disruption in their lives, my eldest had a meltdown, and has had to restart further education. My DP left nearly 2 years ago, divorcee 31 his junior, mega karma, for which it is all my fault?!?!

The main point of my responding is you wish to start a career. I did, I am over 50. I did a university level course to regain my nursing qualification, only 2 months after he left. Yes, financially it has been difficult. I have only managed because of tax credits. Perhaps you could investigate this and have some security in the interim. It has meant I had to juggle some work, in order to achieve the minimum requirement of hours worked, but the money is really useful.

Perhaps you could look to find some work for 16hours per week, to qualify for tax credits, and you would be better off financially whilst you consider your options? My only advice would be don't rush into starting something, think about it for a year or so. I only did as it was already organised. If you are looking for September this year you may feel pressurised, and you are still raw. Perhaps think about September next year, and concertrate on getting through the next year or so.

From my own experience, the initial all out hands on paternal responsability soon dissipates, and mine have only seen him twice this year. I'm only just starting to think of myself as a person again. Research your options, take your time. There are all sorts of grants, bursaries, and funding to be had as a single mother. Not just for you, but also the children, I get a travel bursary for my eldest to travel to his place of further education. But you have to ask, and research.

Good luck, use the next couple of months to get information together. Xxx

There isn't a pension to go for! That's my whole issue, there isn't any provision in place for my retirement so even if I manage to get by on maintenance/tax credits etc whilst the children are still dependent, there is nothing to provide me with any income in my retirement.

He could shut up shop yes but it's unlikely. And if he did then there is machinery worth 100s of thousands which could be sold. It's worth nothing as assets at the moment because without it the business couldn't function but it's worth could be realised if he were to close down.

My solicitor has already advised that if spousal maintenance is awarded then she will push for indemnity insurance to be taken out to cover the value should he die before the term it is due to be paid for ends.

The house is funded in a slightly unusual way which would be very outing (although I may have already passed that point ) if I went into details but there isn't a mortgage secured against the house. There isn't anything secured against the actual house so at the moment there stands around £600k of equity. However, I am certain ex will be able to prove there is in fact debt against the house which could reduce the equity available by half. I would need all that reduced equity to enable me to buy outright with possibly a need for a small mortgage or a share of his business to top it up. But that is what I would aim to come out with in all honesty.

Also, the £20,000 costs seems ridiculous but I guess it partly depends on solicitors' hourly costs? I know when we split briefly a few years back I saw a solicitor and his fees were £185/hr. The one I'm currently using is £275/hr. Ok, she's a partner and highly regarded but even so, I think their fees have jumped a bit in the intervening years. I need someone who specialises in finacials due to his business and the underhand way in which he operates and thinks, I need someone who will really fight for me and I guess that comes at a price. Ex is using a shit hot lawyer (who, coincidentally I also came across and wanted to use as he is top of his field but ex had already instructed him by then 😡 ) so I felt I needed to find someone who could match his.

You have all your buttons sewn on Carrie . God I was a mess.

Sounds like your lawyer knows what she's doing..

Thankfully I had no young children. My ex got all his small pension. Is £50k small? And the proceeds from our house in America...was about £45,000. Maybe less after bill's had been paid and mortgage.
I got all the house and got to keep my savings.

If another woman has her claws into him it's amazing how they will argue and bicker over the slightest thing.

They think they are rich until they see what they have to shell out.

Was in the same boat Carrie.
Out of three top lawyers in our area, he used one and I used one of the other two.

I paid about £170 or so an hour 9 years ago, so yours sounds about right.

I'm feeling very swan-like at the moment - seemingly able to project a calm-ish appearance but paddling like crazy underneath!!

I don't really know what I'm doing but at the same time I know I only have one shot at this to ensure any security for mine and the DCs future and he has broken me, truly and utterly, and I'll be buggered if I'm going to let him affect my future too. I'm angry with myself for hating him so much, I'd far rather feel nothing but indifference and I'll get there one day, but at the moment that anger is useful in that it's driving me forward. Just wish I believed all that myself 😂

I can't thank you all enough though, I'm on such a roller coaster at the moment and today has been no different. When I posted this thread I was so low and blinking back tears, now I feel on a bit of a high as I'm full of thoughts of achieving my ambitions but I know I'm likely to crash again tomorrow.

But, you've all given me hope and that means so much to me. My babies are all home where they belong and I've just done their eater egg hunt ready for the morning. Tonight is a good night. Thank you

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but you sound amazing to me! Have a lovely day with your DC tomorrow. PS a good friend of mine has had au pairs and they have all been fab. They went to visit their first one back in her home country in France recently.. also it might be good company for you. Wishing you all the best

Op, I'm a bit further down the road than you, but had a similar experience - four aged 1-7 when we split.

It took a year of what I call hibernation to see a path. ExH did not leave me short maintenance-wise so my financial impetus to get a job was thankfully not urgent in the short term, but necessary in order to rebuild myself and my future with at least a token reduction in dependence.

What I've done:

• Got a job that is in my area of experience but at a level I was at twenty years ago. I find it rewarding, fulfilling, and will help me regain ground I lost. And it isa short commute, so really ideal
• Did a short night course for 12 weeks in a digital area to swot up on skills I didn't have
• Got an au pair who works 1.30-6.30 five days a week, but has extra time off as the children spend extra holiday time with their dad
• Signed up for some dating apps and have gone on a few dates
• Had a lovely but short lived long distance fling
• Arranged regular supper nights in my home with friends when I am kid-free

The difficulties I have encountered are:

• Sharing my home with an au pair has had some challenges; it is a business relationship and while there is another adult in the house, it is a clock on/off arrangement and has its limits. It's still only me who does bin day, carries in fuel for the fire, and changes the light bulbs or takes down the Christmas tree.
• I pay for a cleaner and a guy to mow the lawn
• My 30 hour working week is better than most but there have been many times homework is not done right, spellings not tested, and projects left until the last minute, not to mention stressing everyone out trying to get to swimming lessons or piano on time
• We seem to live out of the freeezer. I spend much of my 'free time' changing beds, batch cooking and recovering from the bursts of weekday busyness
• I have experienced poor health. Pneumonia, dizzy spells, and bowel problems requiring hospital visits have developed where once I was fit and healthy
• Despite my supper gatherings of female friends, I have been completely omitted from couples invitations and my social circle has shrunk considerably. I simply do not feature on the radar of some friends
• ExH has gone from strength to strength business-wise and has upped his requests to have the children, as he can afford a housekeeper, has a new nice large rental, and has a full and fulfilling social life with his affair partner
• As the children are away from me every second weekend, I have not felt comfortable going out on the nights they are with me. I effectively go on lockdown re dates/friends for those nights, inhibiting my hobbies and interests. I have yet to resolve this in my head. It is not just the guilt of being a working mother where previously I was at the school gates; it is also to be a 'better' parent than ExH who gets an agency babysitter on his weekends. So I have jacked in two of my midweek night hobbies. I can't see a way around this right now.

Independent single life with young dependents made me feel paralysed for a long time. My way of coping was to ignore issues that didn't require an instant decision, and to deal with looming issues by saying to myself 'okay, awkward-family-event is not happening until mid-August, therefore I will not permit myself to worry and agonise about it until 1st August.'

Some days I just woke up with a lightbulb and said 'of course! I will do x' and did it. Sometimes paths just materialise and come into focus all by themselves, and expending energy on worrying about small things when really on a given day there might be just 1-2 absolutely critical issues ... it helps to contextualise in this way.

I am generally quite forgiving of myself, and I don't think I would or could have coped any better than I did, but looking back if I had focussed on tightening up structure, homework, bed times, menu planning etc before finding a job, the transition would have been easier. Soon my au pair will leave, and it will help me - and the children, and obviously the new au pair - if I am better organised and not beating myself up over my current harum-scarum barely-managing ecosystem. ExH now does school drops on agreed dates, so I can now organise those mornings accordingly.

There is lots of change ahead for you. A career path may not suddenly emerge, or you may find you are opting for something that is simply too disruptive, too demanding, too soon. Bed down, think hard, and take your time. I am giving you the full pom-pom shake as you seek to find your way.

Oh, and another lesson learned. Wine is not your friend. That is a relationship I wish I hadn't embarked on. And I struggle.

Haven't rft but there's no way you should 'be over this' so soon. My dad suddenly left my mum after 30 years together and she thought she should get straight out there. Bad idea

I represented myself in court and got a 100% award. I know this is unusual and I wouldn't want to give false hope to anybody, but it can be done. I did have to turn detective and find out everything myself, I knew stuff about my husband that even he had forgotten. Please take financial advice as well as legal...

Suite that is an amazing post, absolutely full of excellent advice. The last line...yes, I agree with that wholeheartedly...I started off not drinking because I knew I would never stop if I did...it's definitely got more intimate as time's gone on..there is no answer there and I've had to force myself to stop (except for weekends) but that's not a comfortable place to be in. Sending you some un-Mumsnetty hugs

I know nothing of divorce but i do know about higher education and can i just say that your articulate and intelligent posts with clear analysis and understanding of complex situations are very impressive and you should have no problems with what courses you choose to do. Good luck!

Yes good post from suite.

I agree with a year of hibernation just to adjust and work out the lay of the land.

I wouldn't make any major decisions at this stage. Just think, consider, work things out and take your time.

I also considered an au pair/live in help so that I could continue working but in the end I had to be realistic and I hung on to my job as long as I could but had to give up in the end. I had an ex who didn't want to pay and didn't want to see the children and then the divorce got messy and went to court (yes it cost thousands.)

Hopefully for you it might be more straightforward.

Also don't assume anything eg posters are saying he will have to pay you spousal support and you can keep the house. Not in my case! I had two small dc and the court ordered my house to be sold. Everyone's case is different.

Thank you everyone, some inspirational stories from some of you which gives me hope!

I've been in touch with the person I know who did the access course last year. She says it was intensive and tough going at times but she managed it and by her own admission she's no scientist!

I'm not jumping into this though. A year of hibernation sounds perfect, having given it so much though overnight I am realising that there will still be much upheaval over the coming year or so. We will have to move house, there is no doubt about that and the children need me as a constant in their lives through that transitional period. I would struggle to do the access course as well as move etc so I'm going to look at stating that September '18. We should be well settled by then and the divorce will hopefully be at its conclusion so I will know exactly my financial position.

In the meantime I will carry on just as I am. Once divorce is finalised I will have to work part time at least but I intend to do healthcare assistant training which is 2 weeks full time then I can apply to go on the nursing bank. I would only need to do 2 shifts a week which would total 24hrs and could do at least one of those on a weekend when ex has the kids. I'm sure I could juggle childcare for the other somehow. It will also give me the work experience I would need for either the diploma or degree.

God I'm feeling positive this morning and it's all down to you lovely lot. As I said last night, MN at its very best

I think your plans are spot on and will give you a bit of time.

That sounds like a really achievable plan, things you can sensibly manage in the short-term plus goals to look forward to in the future Awesome.

Well done. That sounds like a brilliant plan.

I sat this to people all the time, but do you have your healthy list. The go to things you can do when feeling down, desperate, or overwhelmed. Write it down... on mine for example is. Yoga, gym, meditation, church, long walk, peppermint tea, watch favourite or old favourite series, v early night, big salad. If I do a couple of these I always feel better.

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on. Definitely don't rush anything (and especially if you are feeling pushed or angry - let the feelings dissipate before making a decision). I have found I need to sit with a decision and see if it feels right whereas before I was much more impulsive.

I have found a gratitude journal has made a really big difference to my emotional stability. 3 things to be grateful for each night before bed - sometimes my gratitudes are teeny tiny but I am much calmer and generally positive now.

You're doing great. KOKO xx

Really don't feel like I'm doing great today, had a massive panic attack earlier as my head just spins constantly with this desperation to sort my future out NOW. Even though I try to rationalise everything it all just feels too much and all I want to do is sleep and wake up in 12 months time when things have moved on a bit.

Just feel so weepy and anxious. Managed to take the kids out for the afternoon and we had a lovely time but all I want to do is cry now. I miss what was my normality for 20urs so much, it wasn't particularly happy for the last few years but it still felt secure. I'm so scared of the future