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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he just not that into me?

72 replies

Lara2015 · 14/04/2017 09:04

I feel really juvenile writing this, but mumsnet folk always seem to have such sound advice!

There's a guy at work and we've known each other nearly two years, we pretty much hit it off straightaway. We message loads, go for coffee/breakfast/lunch frequently. We talk about a lot of stuff, family, aspirations etc. Anyway, I was pretty sure he liked me but then nothing, no moves, nothing. I've got to the point where I feel a bit fed up making the effort now, however busy he is at work etc he always makes time for me, he'll blush when he sees me etc, so I was sure he liked me, but I'm just tired now of him not initiating anything. I feel like I put a lot of the effort in.

He's definitely an introvert, so I flit from 'he's just not that into you' to 'well not everyone is that confident!', and I'm not sure he's that experienced with relationships (he is 37 though!). A mutual friend has even said in front of us both - well, I've said before about you guys...

Anyway, to finish, I'm thinking I should just say something in a non-heavy way. I'm fed up of living in limbo. I thought he really liked me, now I wonder if I'm just projecting what I want onto him.

What do you think?

OP posts:

TheStoic · 14/04/2017 09:10

Well, if it were me, I'd be engineering a situation where things could progress.

Could you invite him out for a drink? Coffee? A walk?

There are ways of making your intentions clear without actually saying so. If he didn't reciprocate, I'd have my answer.

TheNaze73 · 14/04/2017 09:12

Just ask him. Don't over complicate it.

livefornaps · 14/04/2017 09:14

Ask him for a casual drink after work just the two of you and resolve to have said something by the end. Get a bit of dutch courage and just come out with it. Otherwise it sounds like you'll never know. And whatever he says, at least you will know!

My bet he definitely likes you and is probably asking himself similar questions, and perhaps wondering about the work thing too? Who knows. Just be casual, but clear about how you feel. Whatever happens it will allow you to move forward! If he's not the one then don't be embarrassed and don't apologise (speaking from experience). It sounds like you have a lot to go on so why the hell not say that you'd like more? Don't over think it, out with it!

Fingers crossed and pleeeeeeease update!! (Terminally single over here)

livefornaps · 14/04/2017 09:17

Currently looking round the office in despair, wishing there was someone I fancied here

Peanutbuttercheese · 14/04/2017 09:20

How can you have not found out if he has been in any relationships before after two years. What are his hobbies, belief systems etc know much about them?

Just say something about it but in a way so that if there is a rebuff it's not too embarrassing and the friendship can continue.

Original poster

Lara2015 · 14/04/2017 10:56

Thank you! Think I knew deep down I have to address is, so you have just confirmed that for me. Peanut buttercheese, relationship chat just always seemed off limits so we've never delved, but he did mention a girlfriend once (as in ex), 99% sure there's no one else in his life. Also we actually met through the sports club at work, so we have that in common.

Livefornaps, I'm terminally single too, been single forever and nothing seems to work out for me, which I guess is why I'm wobbling on this one and don't have the confidence others might do. Also put on a bit of weight this last year, so not feeling my best self.

I think he does like me, but I don't know if he likes me enough. Now to work out how to broach the topic! Eeek!

Will keep you posted 😄

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 14/04/2017 11:29

Have you tried flirting with him? I would try flashing a little bit of leg or cleavage and see if his eyes light up. You could also try talking about sex (albeit in a very general subtle way) and see how he reacts. If he seems interested, I would ask him if he fancied a quick drink after work. Good luck.

Sammysilver · 14/04/2017 11:35

Not sure about flashing a bit of leg or cleavage - unless it would come naturally to you, of course, but I get the impression from your posts that it wouldn't. I'd suggest doing what others have which is to casually suggest going out for a drink or coffee and taking your cues from there. Good luck.

livefornaps · 14/04/2017 12:00

@laughaminute really is laugh a minute. Maybe that advice would work for some, for others it would be a COMPLETE fail. Personally I think if you spark with someone , no need to start contorting or dragging convos into "sex" territory. It just seems contrived. I only say this as someone to whom this does not come naturally. I liked a guy last year, and felt a "spark" for the first time in ages. Instead of just letting it develop though, I went really weird & basically started displaying that kind of behaviour. I think it confused him as it patently wasn't "me" and by the time I said something I think he had been put off, and turned me down, although he said he'd like to stay friends. We took a few months off from each other, then met up as friends recently (I stopped being weird) and things are cool again. But I can't help but wonder if things would have turned out differently had I not tried to be all "seductress" and instead just talked to him. That's just me though! Some women are brilliant at it (sighs)

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 12:22

I wouldn't but I'm old fashioned and would never ask a man out, I'd also die a death if he turned me down and I had to see him every day at work.

After all this time he hasn't made a move, there's a reason for that.

BigGrannyPants · 14/04/2017 12:26

OP look at your post, but replace all the hims with hers, and he's with shes etc could he not be feeling the same as you?

livefornaps · 14/04/2017 12:49

"Die a death" - seriously?! come on now. We're not talking about lunging over his desk at him (although each to her own). It's just an adult saying to another adult that she fancies him! Even if he doesn't want anything more, it's always nice to hear someone fancies you. Plus it sounds like they really get on, it's not like the op is some randomer popping up out of the blue.

GO FOR IT, fellow forever-single op!! Who cares if you've put on a bit of weight?! Worse things happen at sea. Take the plunge...!

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 13:08

Live: I'd not want to start a relationship with a work colleague anyway and yes I'd be mortified if he turned me down: I'm not saying anything bout lunging at anyone so dunno where you get that from.

Adora10 · 14/04/2017 13:09

It's just an adult saying to another adult that she fancies him

Yeah and it's just an adult turning her down that she has to see every day at work.

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2017 13:18

Do you ever see him out of work hours ever? Just ask him if fancies going for a drink one Saturday? He'll know this means you're interested without you having to actually say it. Meeting for a drink on a non-work day definitely says date.
If he makes excuses or it never gets organised then forget him, he can't be that interested.

livefornaps · 14/04/2017 13:22

No of course you didn't mean lunge at him, what I meant was if op put herself across to the guy in a straightforward way then even if he said no, there'd be no need to "die a death". And if they see each other every day at work, well so what? She suggested something, he said no, it's not the end of the world. And anyway , lots of people meet through work (apparently). Like you say though, you'd never want a relationship with a colleague so of course it wouldn't be your cup of tea.

Original poster

Lara2015 · 27/04/2017 09:48

OK, so a little bit of an update. We've gone from being consistently in one another's lives, to nothing, and it's not coming from me. He ignores most of my messages recently (I haven't sent many), and I've given up suggesting we go for coffee/drink/walk, because invariably he says he's too busy. I think he his busy, but this is bordering on rude behavior, and I don't know what's changed.

I'm actually moving jobs, so I need not see him much longer. Part of me thinks, just leave it now, he's clearly not interested. Then the other part of me thinks, just say how you feel, and move on either way. At least I'll know, and if it is the case he's scared/shy/busy/whatever, that's his chance to come clean. Not knowing, is making me pretty miserable :-(

OP posts:

Teddy6767 · 27/04/2017 09:52

Maybe he's met someone else? I would just text him asking him out for a drink or to watch a movie and see what he says. If he ignores it or politely declines then I'd just chalk it up to the fact he doesn't see you in that sort of way. Maybe he's someone whose been hurt in the past and is scared of developing proper feelings for someone again.

But yeah, just text him and ask. That's what I'd do but I'm a very forward sort of person. The not knowing would stress me out more than being rejected

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2017 09:56

I'm sorry op, I think uou do know and he's not interested. From your update he has made that very clear.💐

Changedname3456 · 27/04/2017 10:09

Did he know you were moving job at about the same time he shut down?

Oly5 · 27/04/2017 10:13

I think he's made it clear he's not interested now. What bizarre behaviour!
Don't embarrass yourself by saying something.
Just move on to bigger and better things

Original poster

Lara2015 · 27/04/2017 10:18

Agreed, it's the not knowing that's harder than the rejection. I agree, it does seem he's not interested, but people are complicated, so I'd rather just know 100% he's not, and move on. I think he's had a serious relationship in the past, and been single since. That's just my hunch putting pieces of the puzzle together!

He's known for ages I was interviewing, but since it's all become official, he's got really distant from me.

OP posts:

Valentine2 · 27/04/2017 10:22

He's known for ages I was interviewing, but since it's all become official, he's got really distant from me.
Really? If he got distant around that time, it might ring a bell for me.
Don't know what everyone else says.

Changedname3456 · 27/04/2017 10:34

I agree - it's linked. He's probably painfully shy and now thinks he's blown it for good. He's disinvesting emotionally.

I think this is one where you need to ask him out and make it clear what you're asking for (i.e. a date). Now you're moving jobs it won't be something you need to regret if he says no thanks.

bluebell34567 · 27/04/2017 10:46

couldn't you ask him that you missed your friendship, why is he distant now?

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