Is he just not that into me?

[Lara2015]

I feel really juvenile writing this, but mumsnet folk always seem to have such sound advice!

There's a guy at work and we've known each other nearly two years, we pretty much hit it off straightaway. We message loads, go for coffee/breakfast/lunch frequently. We talk about a lot of stuff, family, aspirations etc. Anyway, I was pretty sure he liked me but then nothing, no moves, nothing. I've got to the point where I feel a bit fed up making the effort now, however busy he is at work etc he always makes time for me, he'll blush when he sees me etc, so I was sure he liked me, but I'm just tired now of him not initiating anything. I feel like I put a lot of the effort in.

He's definitely an introvert, so I flit from 'he's just not that into you' to 'well not everyone is that confident!', and I'm not sure he's that experienced with relationships (he is 37 though!). A mutual friend has even said in front of us both - well, I've said before about you guys...

Anyway, to finish, I'm thinking I should just say something in a non-heavy way. I'm fed up of living in limbo. I thought he really liked me, now I wonder if I'm just projecting what I want onto him.

What do you think?

[Montparnasse]

I wonder if you were one of a few options he had on the go for a relationship, and one of the others moved up a level so to speak? It could be he was interested in you but isn't anymore for the above reason? Must be tough but nc will be best regardless

[Itsnotwhatitseems]

Reading this felt very familiar, I realise I displayed some of this guys behaviour when I discovered a 'close' friend at work (who could have been more) had found another job and was moving away. While he was interviewing etc., we remained close as I didn't really believe he would go, then when he told me he got the job I shut down emotionally and stopped meeting up etc, he no longer felt like a romantic option, so I moved on. It sounds cold and calculating but it just happened, it wasn't planned and only when reading this thread have I realised it. I wonder if your friend at work has had a similar reaction to the news you are leaving?

[Ohyesiam]

Message back saying " ouch , that hurts, will you tell me why "

[FlyWaxSleepRepeat]

I think the timing of him backing right off fits right in with the timing of you being egged on, on here, to say something to him.

He's not into you in that way and sensed something coming from you. Once you'd made that decision to say something/ask him out/declare undying love, your behaviour towards him will have changed, probably quite subtlety and without you noticing, but he's picked up on it, realised you have feelings for him and has backed right off to save you making a move and embarrassing yourself.

You can imagine and project all you like, or you can take his actions and words at face value.

He couldn't have made it much clearer that he's not interested. Sorry.

[Hairq]

He's a prime example of just not that into you - his behaviour has been screaming it for quite a while.

Don't take it badly - I'm sure you're lovely and it's very much his loss x

[Lara2015]

To be clear, he is away which is why he couldn't make it, but he didn't tell me (everyone else did that couldn't come) which is what's hurtful. I didn't reply anyway, and I'm not planning on contacting him. Will be interesting to see if he bothers to wish me farewell. I'm also not moving away for new job, I'll be about 3 streets over from the old one!

Still think he could be emotionally disinvesting rather than flat out 'not interested', but I can waste time musing over it any longer!

[LightYears]

I suppose one thing to be learnt from this is when we like someone to maybe not leave it so long in wondering, go for it earlier on, then if they aren't interested, we can move on and not waste time on the wrong people basically.

[Mumfun]

Im with ohyesiam. I still think he may have liked you a lot but is coping with you going in his own way which seems cold

[LightYears]

is coping with you going in his own way which seems cold Either way, sounds like she's well rid, to put it bluntly, he sounds emotionally stunted, just a load of hurt ahead if things had developed I reckon.

[SuperFlyHigh]

To be honest OP I'd leave it now. If someone puts this much effort into ignoring you, not even apologising for not coming to leaving drinks etc after you've been so close at work (friends etc) and you're only moving office a few streets away, then he isn't worth it in my opinion.

Also, hate to say it but after 2 years why on earth did either of you not ask each other out?! I had a situation on here a few years ago with a man who worked in the offices above me (for about 6 months) but eventually I wrote him a card. He was actually in a relationship but at least I asked him out!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Lightyears yes emotionally stunted. That's a good phrase.

I'm seeing someone now seriously who is lovely, but before I met SO I met a man who'd been married for 11 years but not had sex for 5/6 years and his DW then wanted a divorce (they were more brother/sister she thought). I was a bit that someone (he was in his mid 30s, good looking etc) could leave it that long before being pushed really by ex-DW to get a divorce. Maybe I'm being harsh! I considered that to be "emotionally stunted" though.

[ALaughAMinute]

Would you prefer to date someone with better manners?

Of course you would. Forget this guy and move on!

[LightYears]

Yes. Also people get stuck in a rut, just haven't got it in them to make the change, they leave it to others to do it for them, maybe to avoid looking like the bad guy as well. Humans are so complicated.

[HmmOkay]

I honestly don't think he is finding it hard with you imminently leaving the company. You are only moving 3 streets away.

I find it really cringey that women come up with these bizarre notions of he's scared/shy/busy/emotionally disinvesting/emotionally stunted to cover up the fact that it is clear that a man just isn't interested.

All that time and energy spent searching for excuses for behaviour that screams Not Interested is wasteful and damaging to you. Look forward, not back.

[LightYears]

So, after two years of what sounds like a nice friendship, OP, doesn't deserve some sort of decent behaviour when the friendship ends. He's acting like a dick. OP is not asking for too much IMO. He's being offish with her, there's just no need for it.

[SuperFlyHigh]

HmmOkay so he's probably not interested but it seems to me that he's emotionally stunted in not responding to her etc (he'd have to be a bit dim not to realise she's romantically interested etc) and his "cut off" emails sound like an emotionally wounded man - slightly, who won't say anything to OP.

At least with my interest after I sent the card he got back to me to say he was flattered but as he had a girlfriend wasn't interested. bingo, job done.

[BarryKwipkee]

Blimey, the last text does make it clear. He liked you, perhaps he really liked you as a colleague who brightened up the working day, but never really had any intentions of moving that outside the office and i know I've often felt that way about men I've worked with. happy to see them walking towards me but it's a non-sexual setting and you think you're just chattting happily to a colleague. I also know thouogh that I've developed feelings for people at work and I was just a colleague they found easy to talk to.

too late for this guy OP but once I got a man to ask me out by answering his question "well now THAT is a answer best discussed over a glass of wine''. he just asked me why I'd left London and I implied there was some big story there and that I didn't want to properly answer it right there in the office but that I was happy to tell him over a glass of wine. It worked. We went out for about 4 months.

[BarryKwipkee]

ps, yes, whatever his intentions were to you, even if all he ever thought of you was as a friend, it's even more odd that he hasn't said goodbye properly, hasn't expressed some regret he couldn't attend you farewell do, and hasn't wished you well in your next role

[Flyinggeese]

Hi Op this sounds tough and his last message was cold to say the least.

Ask yourself though, do your really like him / fancy him / feel yourself falling for him or is it more feeling indignant and frustrated that he's gone cold and you don't know why, hence making him seem more desirable and intriguing in a way?

I ask because I've been there years ago. Once the guy was interested again I lost interest myself quickly.

Maybe worth thinking about to help you feel better about this. He sounds a bit too much like hard work anyway. X

[LoveforPGTipsMonkey]

I don't get it at all - if you are only moving down the road really, OP, why would he want to stop the friendship - or if he was interested but didn't make a move as you worked together, why not now look forward to the opportunity?
The only rational explanation is, he's recently met someone and got involved with someone, and because he's guessing you want more than friendship, he's pulling away. But finds it awkward to spell it out as this entails saying to you 'I'm pulling away because you are interested but I'm not single' - which can sound quite arrogant.

Otherwise if it's not this, he's just too odd, not much of a loss.

[Lara2015]

Hello All,

I just wanted to thank you all for your feedback, it has really helped me (even though it's still fairly inconclusive!). To update, I have gone NC and I haven't heard a squeak from him. I get the whole 'he's not interested', message received, however this feels really extreme.

I've not had so much as a 'good luck' or 'goodbye', we used to be as think as thieves, so it just feels so hurtful. I guess this is what getting the cold shoulder feels like, and it's miserable.

Anyway, not much I can do about it, and if I was giving the advice, I'd be saying forget about and move on too. Easier said than done, but I suppose in time it will get better

[Teddy6767]

Could you have said or done something that annoyed him when you were friends maybe? But even so it's very immature and weird of him to just completely cut you out of his life. Sounds like you're well shot of him as he's not a friend you need if he's going to drop you when he feels like it!