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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is he just not that into me?

72 replies

Lara2015 · 14/04/2017 09:04

I feel really juvenile writing this, but mumsnet folk always seem to have such sound advice!

There's a guy at work and we've known each other nearly two years, we pretty much hit it off straightaway. We message loads, go for coffee/breakfast/lunch frequently. We talk about a lot of stuff, family, aspirations etc. Anyway, I was pretty sure he liked me but then nothing, no moves, nothing. I've got to the point where I feel a bit fed up making the effort now, however busy he is at work etc he always makes time for me, he'll blush when he sees me etc, so I was sure he liked me, but I'm just tired now of him not initiating anything. I feel like I put a lot of the effort in.

He's definitely an introvert, so I flit from 'he's just not that into you' to 'well not everyone is that confident!', and I'm not sure he's that experienced with relationships (he is 37 though!). A mutual friend has even said in front of us both - well, I've said before about you guys...

Anyway, to finish, I'm thinking I should just say something in a non-heavy way. I'm fed up of living in limbo. I thought he really liked me, now I wonder if I'm just projecting what I want onto him.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

bluebell34567 · 27/04/2017 10:48

also like you said maybe he is not that much into you and don't want to invest on friendship anymore, but it is rude to cut off like that.

grumpyfish52 · 27/04/2017 11:24

That's such a shame OP, I hate it when people suddenly seem distant-it's so confusing for the person on the receiving end. It sounds to me like he's maybe met someone else, but perhaps there's another explanation too.

If it were me I think I'd leave it; before I met DH I made a load of mistakes with men and generally learned that those who are interested will make the effort. But if he's an introvert I suppose that's not necessarily true in this case.

Since you are leaving, you have less to lose by telling him how you feel-so if 'knowing' will make you feel better then you should talk to him.

Good luck whatever you decide, you sound lovely and I'm sure if it's not him the right one will be along soon x

Thephoneywar · 27/04/2017 11:32

Just ask him out. It's really not hard. You've been waiting for 2 years for him to make a move. Why haven't you made a move?

Lara2015 · 27/04/2017 12:01

Thanks all, feel a little clearer, it's either one of two outcomes:

He's not interested/met someone else - possible, but given the timing coincides exactly with me leaving, that's either just bum luck or not the case;
He's emotionally disinvesting because he know he won't see me at work - possible given he definitely started to become more distant when I said I was leaving.

Either way, I'm not going to know unless I do something about it! Another weird thing he's done is I arranged leaving drinks with a lot of people, he accepted the invitation. I come into work, and he's out all week, so I don't know if he's coming or not! Anyone else that can't come has contacted me separately. Again, it just comes across as strange or rude behavior!

Men!!!! Will keep you updated.

Just wanted to say thanks to you all, I actually joined mumsnet when I don't even have kids! It's just so refreshing to hear other people's opinions, friend's opinion is great, but they usually have vested interest being your friend in the first place. Very difficult to get impartial advice!

OP posts:

grumpyfish52 · 27/04/2017 12:40

So do you think you will talk to him OP?

Lara2015 · 27/04/2017 14:11

I think I have to for my own sanity, and I don't have much to lose since we're not exactly best friends at the moment.

With one of my exes I always look back and wish I'd told him I missed him, not that it would've changed the outcome necessarily, but to this day I wonder 'what if'. I did tell him in the end, but it was too late by then and he'd already moved on.

OP posts:

oscareyeballs · 27/04/2017 14:23

As others have said, ask him.

You're not going to be working together anymore, so if you're worried about rejection after all this, it's not that big a deal.

You'll never know why he's like this unless you speak to him. Arrange a separate leaving drink meet up with him.

You'll always think back and regret the time you didn't ask or take a chance.

oscareyeballs · 27/04/2017 14:25

OP - I posted before I saw your most recent post.

Your mind is already made up, go on, do it, do it!!

Callusyophilr · 27/04/2017 14:49

I HOPE there's a happy ending here

However. Just to mention I have experienced similar situations where the guy in question is actually attached and just wants to set up a "work wife" situation (basically they know that they can get 1-1 female attention easier if they pretend to be a romantic prospect so they "forget" to mention the girlfriend in order to manipulate )

There was a "single" new manager at my previous workplace, allegedly unattached and new in town, very sociable and personable, so of course he had lots of people wanting to invite him out, women going at him. Rented an expensive flat down the road (to which he invited me and no doubt many other women back for - I didn't take him up on it but he was very charming and I could have been tempted)

guess who lived with him in his house in his home town who he'd forgotten to mention ?

All the best op but take care to be sure you're not walking into an OW situation ( I'd note that it's almost like he's set things up so it looks like you're chasing after him - like if he wants to explain to "someone" about your interaction )

If you do start an external friendship, my strategy would be to just suss him out for a bit (no sex) to see the lie of the land first.

CassandraAusten · 27/04/2017 14:54

I agree with your two possible outcomes, OP. And in case it's option 2, I agree you have to say something. Ask him out. Good luck!

BorisJohnsonsHair · 27/04/2017 14:55

Can you message him and ask him to meet you for a drink tonight? Then ask him why he's behaving like this (in a nice way). That way you may find out about a new girlfriend, or you can have a couple of drinks and ask him out. At least that way you'll know for certain.

Good luck!

NeonGod73 · 27/04/2017 15:12

He had ample opportunities to make a move in the past two years. He never did. Why would he do it now that you are leaving? You have been literally in front of him on a silver plate yet he never reached out to you. I honestly don't think he is interested in you. If a man is truly interested he is not gonna wait too long.
You are really just projecting what you want onto him and making up excuses for him, saying he is introverted and shy.
Do you want to wait for this meek guy to make a move? Then you can wait all your life. Don't be a fool.

BernieBear · 27/04/2017 15:27

Just say "So, when are you going to ask me out" - that lets him know you are interested and would give a positive response, but lets him make the move! (idea brazenly stolen from the dating thread, as suggested by one of the male posters!)

Valentine2 · 27/04/2017 15:50

I don't think it's a good idea bernie.
I would probably just sort of stand very close to a escape route (in case he says no!) and tell him that you would like to invite him for a date night out.

Kikibanana86 · 27/04/2017 15:57

Just text him and ask if he wants to go for a drink? I don't see what the big deal is?

BarneyRumbleton · 27/04/2017 15:59

Surely now is the perfect time to say, 'I'd hate to lose touch when I leave. I've always thought of you as more than a colleague. How about we go for a drink?'
If he carries on being rude and distant, you walk away knowing you tried.

LightYears · 27/04/2017 16:06

One thing I've learnt is you've got to go for these things, not doing something makes you feel far worse than doing something and getting a knock back. Good luck to you.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 28/04/2017 07:51

Any update OP?

Lara2015 · 28/04/2017 08:42

Not really. I messaged him to say 'are you not coming to my party?', got back 'afraid not. Have fun.', there wasn't even a sorry in there! Definitely being brushed off. Starting to think I should just walk away...

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 28/04/2017 08:50

Yes definitely walk away.I've read the this thread thinking if he's this much hard work pre dating what would he be like in a relationship? He is either not into you or emotional distant...neither is good.

Disappointing but actually chalk it up to someone who could be a nightmare to be in a relationship with..think of it as a lucky escape!

2014newme · 28/04/2017 08:55

It's John and kayleigh from car share!

Lara2015 · 28/04/2017 09:12

Ha ha ha, thank you Newme, that just really made me laugh. Sometimes you feel you're the only one out there going back and forth

OP posts:

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Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 28/04/2017 09:18

Ok, that final text makes it really clear. He's not going to make a move, and he's already moved on mentally. He's not seeking out ways to stay in touch.

Hard one, but at least you know and can move onwards and upwards.

Callusyophilr · 28/04/2017 16:17

Well done for asking! And at least it was definitive on his part - what really annoys me is the type who consciously tries to be ambiguous (so not instigating contact, but using terms like "keep in touch", or saying "just enough", or sends texts, just to keep you on a hook)

so they can have a pool of "fallback women" . That really pisses me off and is kind of narcissistic and attention seeking, like they just want attention. Your colleague hasn't done that.

You don't know the reason, but this one is a deader (in terms of nothing going on here).

Now you can move on and enjoy the spring (and maybe this is a sign from the universe to try online dating, look for new avenues of meeting people etc)

Callusyophilr · 28/04/2017 16:24

PS I really would just go completely NC now (beyond basic work greetings etc) - this guy isn't even acting like a friend of any sort now and I wouldn't describe him as one.

Maybe I'm a bit staid/old/cynical here but the first time any acquaintance doesn't respond to/acknowledge a message, I stop sending them - if someone wants to keep me in their life they show me basic courtesy.

I know there's the whole "busy" and "the e-mail/text disappeared of the face of the earth" argument but in my experience one ignored message = no interest in maintaining contact.

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