Background:
We were together 5 years, each others first loves, i was his first girlfriend. We had a DS (now 13) and ex left me for one of the girls he cheated with in 2008. I was devastated and heartbroken but moved on, i was terrified of being hurt again i constantly turned men down and only had one relationship which lasted a month in 2010, been single ever since and no sort of relations with men (no sex nothing lol).
I've done all i can to be civil with my ex in spite of everything. The girl he's still with knew about me but didn't care, used to harass me and got ex to choose her over our DS. Ex spent the first 6 years trying to get back with me but he hurt me so much i couldn't. He and his mum claim how miserable he is and doesn't want to be with her but surely that's a lie as you don't stay with someone for this long, anyway that isn't my problem. They had a child two years ago and his girlfriend refused to let my son meet his brother but ex finally stood up for once and they met. She doesn't hide her hatred for my son.
Ex hardly see DS and hasn't at all this year, messaged him happy birthday a day before his actual birthday and lies he will see him but keeps letting him down. Told DS he will see him this week yet on Monday claimed to be sick. He owes me two months child maintenance and swore at me two weeks ago he won't pay it, i got fed up and decided not to speak to him again. Well he called today with a sob story as CMS contacted him, he's broke but will give me something on Friday if i tell CMS to cancel taking direct from him now.
He keeps letting DS down and im sick of lying and covering for him but DS isn't silly and said his dad doesn't love or care about him (i tell him he does) but still wants contact with his dad as he should. Ex having a go and lying to me today just made cry, I'm sick of him and his behaviour. He broke my heart, hurt and abandoned DS, is living happily ever after (in spite of what he says) yet i get a shitty life even though I'm a good person. I'm happy to have zero contact with ex but then he contacts me via DS phone now as i changed my number from his last month. I've given a very shortened version of events but i really can't take it anymore and feel like killing myself. Ex will be happy, his girlfriend too and DS can go live with them. I regret meeting him so much and wish he wasn't my child's dad. At times its like he hates me or something even though he constantly cheated and left me! How does that work.
I know he thinks I'm a pushover but I'm standing my ground with the CMS after willing previously to decrease the amount based on him seeing DS twice a month at least - he basically didn't go for it lying he's working every night then another time tells me he's not off on weekends. I'm sick of trying and basically begging him to be in DS life as i clearly can't force him to. He will message DS regularly always proclaiming to love him but surely you don't treat someone you love badly.
Sorry for the long text