Dh cannot see his spending is wrong - part rant needed, part help

[Genericwobbler]

NC'd because I don't want this attached to my usual name. But CANCEL THE CHEQUE! Purple house. Cockwomble etc. I'm sorry this is super long.

Trying not to drip feed. I work ft and dh is sahp after taking redundancy a few years back. I was pt but could go ft so that was a mutual decision that he would take over the dc school runs.

Recently I had a brilliant promotion, very stressful at times but I love my job. I'm happy as I never thought we would be in a position to earn enough to receive no benefits, but it's basically just that any benefit we had previously (housing benefit, child tax cred, working tax cred) is just made up now by my wages and a couple of hundred extra a month. So we're not amazingly better off, but could be comfortable.

Normally I used to get paid, work out what bills were coming out of who's account and make sure each of us had enough in there to cover them, then split what was left equally, with a bit extra in mine as I'd do the shopping at the weekends. The split money wasn't to spend as we pleased as such, more that if one of us was out and realised we needed something, we'd be able to get it. Sometimes he'd run out and I'd have to transfer more to him and he'd say I was "drip feeding him" which pissed me off because he has the online banking codes to both accounts but NEVER logs on, he's probably even lost them. It makes me feel like the overlord or something, which is so far from it. And I don't give a shit about money, so long as we have what we need.

Well the last couple of months have been hard. We've had extra bills to pay, and will do for probably about a year, plus a mix up with my new pension amount starting means we're about 116 a month down there as well. Last month I had to borrow £30 from my wonderful dm, so I decided this month we should try something new. So he could see his spending is what's leaving us short. Because it is. Honestly, I feel like I'd be rather well off without him right now, which isn't nice.

I suggested he start looking for a job again as he's said he wants to go back to work for ages now, and I even found his cv on the computer for him! A friend of his sent him some link about a job as well, but I don't think he even looked at it despite him telling me about it. He thought I was bu because "I never tried to make you get a job when you weren't working and I was". Well, the dc were smaller then but as soon as I found something part time that worked around school times I took it, because I wanted to, so it's completely different! Plus, we NEED the money now, due to his spending.

So I worked out we would have £110 a week after bills and money for shopping. So I took it out and put it in envelopes so we could see in cash what we had and every time it would be a physical reminder of how much was there. Well it's flopped, greatly. He was all for it. But it's flopped. What he spends money on is seeing his friends, mostly on one night a week crazily, since becoming short of money he's thought nothing of going out more, not less. Since payday 12 days ago he's spent £18 on a gift (alcohol) and card for friend's birthday, £20 to celebrate with another as he was moving away, £20 as a "reward" to himself after some gardening, £10 on his "usual" day out because I said we had no money for it, £40 on another friend's birthday... then today. He wanted to spend some money getting lunch supplies for dc but didn't see why it should come out of our week money (it should have) so I relented, whatever, take it out of the bank. I didn't take child benefit into account when budgeting so we'd have a "buffer".

He took out 20, spent half, so this evening we had 26 from our week money and 10 from the bank. He got an offer of a free evening out and wanted to go, so I was waiting for him to start about money, dreading it really. So he asks if I need one pound, can he take it to get a can if drink while he walks. That makes me feel shitty, so I say why don't you just take the tenner because you're making me feel like an arsehole, asking if I mind if you take a fucking pound!

So he says oh, well why don't I just take the money for my regular night out instead and do it tonight?

I gave up. I should've said no but instead I just didn't really say anything, and he was so set on it he didn't seem to notice. So he took £25...of the £35. How can he not see that's just wrong? Or why doesn't he care? I don't go out myself, don't spend much money on myself at all (and nothing last month or this month so far). He actually asked me if I might "borrow" sone money from work. I'm ashamed to say I almost considered it but I'm not risking my job because he's a twat. He doesn't HAVE to get a job, only if he wants to continue spending like this, all our bills are paid, anything he earned would be extra, or savings...god I'd love to have savings. He's always going on about his mates have this money or that money, they're going on holiday - well they've got jobs or gfs they claim not to live with so have extra benefits or live with parents and no rent!

Hese always been unreliable with money but it's gotten worse. On the days we were really skint last month I honestly just wondered why the fuck I bother.

Why the fuck do I bother?

This thread made me sad, OP. I agree it's not the amount of money, it's all relative, it's the use of it even when he knows it's needed elsewhere.

People like OP's husband never seem to be able to survive on the amount of money they have in my experience. So him getting a job may provide a temporary breather for OP but longterm things may be just as bad.

The bad habit here is spending more than you have. Also leaving the OP to worry while he goes out and acts like the most generous man in the bar. Sure - everyone loves that guy , but the person married to him is the one that suffers.

I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone who regarded stealing as something acceptable, much less encouraged me to do it, to be honest.

He sounds selfish and immature. Has he always been like this?

I suggest you put 55 in an envelope next week. That's his fair share, so that's it.

And make it clear that it. You have 55 in the bank too. And he doesn't get to "borrow" from you. No way. Thats the ground rule.

To those saying 55 isn't a lot - in fairness it sounds like he spent 120 that week on going out and presents!

He's acting like an irresponsible child and a criminal. He's taking responsibility for nothing. He's prepared for you to risk your job and your future by stealing (can't get my head around this). I'd cut off all spending money and tell him to get a job or get out.

Ok, I actually wasn't expecting so many replies to be honest so I'll try and answer the questions but I'm on my phone so typing slooow.

2 dc aged 11 and 15.
I suppose he's really always been that way inclined but the last couple of months it's gotten worse I think. To the point I actually decided to keep a record in my calendar of when he went out and what was spent, which is how I can say what was spent in the last 12 days.

I didn't mention in my OP what he does or doesn't do around the house because I didn't want it to be about that, it's the money that's frustrating me atm but, I suppose it's part of the bigger picture. In all honesty I do most of everything. I get the kids up most days, breakfast is a more even split now because I made it clear I don't have time to do everything in the morning before I go to work.

I do all the clothes washing. I do the majority of the dishes. I make sure all the bills are paid that aren't direct debit - that's a leftover from when I was sahp. He has complete access to funds in bank if he wanted it but he doesn't look at them, probably so he doesn't have to take responsibility for knowing what we have, though I do tell him.

I organise and take dc to all appointments for anything doctor/dentist related. On this one, dh has a doctor/hospital phobia stemming from childhood which is real and I've always known about. He's broken out in a sweat and been panicky any time he has had to go to one.

I know I would be financially better off without him, and to a point emotionally too as I wouldn't be feeling "let down" by his actions but it's so hard. He has nobody, really nobody. I know that's not my problem but it's honestly true.

I could put 55 in an envelope and give it to him for himself, but it would probably go all on himself and mine would go on extra things needed in the week for the house or kids. I might do it though but less to account for that. Maybe 40 so there's some for unexpected things. I'd probably save "mine" though.

With asking me to take money from work, he did it in a jokey way but if I'd done it he'd have accepted it, I know that. He knows with my position nobody would have even known-can't really say more without outing myself or job I think, but if I'd done it this week and put it back next week nobody would know. But apart from it being wrong anyway it would've taken away from next week's money.

I do love him, and when he's not being a dick with money we get on well, it's great, I would love for him to just realise what he's doing and get a job. I'm in a position to be able to take 11 to school (we're not comfortable with going alone just yet, it's a weird route, yr8 that will probably change anyway) and pick up most days if I needed to so can be quite flexible about his job and he knows this.

PickAChew generally packed lunches come out of grocery shopping but it was half term this week so I didn't buy "packed lunch" food and forgot to get general lunch things like cold meats. I should've so I didn't mind if it came out of the bank money, it just seemed like he wanted to make sure it would come out of the week and interfere with "his spending money". But I might have been being too sensitive about that anyway.

Frouby I like your suggestion.
Even though he's sahp I'm not worried about custody if we split. I can't believe I'm saying this but, he does nothing of value for them that would make him better to have custody? And I'm sure I could prove it if needed. He wouldn't cope, I'm sure of it. And clearly wouldn't be able to provide. My job is very flexible though on paper is 9-5, I could "easily" take care of the dc by myself.

OP it's not a surprise that money isn't the only area he is selfish.
I'd be interested to hear if anyone has turned a relationship like this around. I gave mine 23 years of my life before giving up on it.

I know I would be financially better off without him, and to a point emotionally too as I wouldn't be feeling "let down" by his actions but it's so hard. He has nobody, really nobody. I know that's not my problem but it's honestly true.

You don't have two children, you have three. This is not a partnership between equals.

Well you need a contingency every week for the kids. So its not really 110 between you.

I will say that 110 between 4 people is really not a lot. What if someone needs a pair of shoes?

He needs to get a job. Your family literally cannot afford to support a SAHP anymore.

Exactly Elspeth, exactly. What if someone needs shoes or something else. It's not spending money, it's house money.

Really Boring? Yikes...I'm 17 years in so far... how did you do it though? It's like, day to day, none of it is a BIG deal, just irritating and almost feels like I should be on that thread about leaving relationships that aren't awful just unsatisfying. I think I'm minimizing. I think I'm used to doing that.

You've sleep walked into a parent/ child dynamic with a selfish man. He isn't a SAHD, doesn't want the responsibility of contributing financial or domestically and is prepared to manipulate you into putting up with his selfish ways.

This is who he is and has been for a long time and 'feeling sorry for him' has played a part in your decision to parent an adult. You're asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why is he behaving like this?', it should be, 'why am I putting up with it'? The good news is, you don't need his input to find out why.

So how do you 'make him see'? You can't (especially given the status quo is working in his favour) but you can start, understanding the reasons why you've enabled him to treat you and your family with such contempt.

You haven't lost or had your power taken from you, you've surrendered it.

I think you're minimising too OP. This money stuff is huge because it means you have no money to spend on you , and the kids probably have less because their Dad spends so much on himself.

As I previously said , I was in a similar situation and the last straw for me was when our son needed new school shoes and we couldn't buy them until the next pay day because my ex had loaned money to a relative without consulting me. After years of putting up with me going without , seeing my son go without made me wake up.

It is hard though OP , so I won't scream LTB at you. I just want you to consider what effect this has on you and what your life could be like if you were the master of your household budget and didn't have to worry about cash disappearing here and there.

"In all honesty I do most of everything. I get the kids up most days, breakfast is a more even split now because I made it clear I don't have time to do everything in the morning before I go to work.

I do all the clothes washing. I do the majority of the dishes. I make sure all the bills are paid that aren't direct debit - that's a leftover from when I was sahp. He has complete access to funds in bank if he wanted it but he doesn't look at them, probably so he doesn't have to take responsibility for knowing what we have, though I do tell him.

I organise and take dc to all appointments for anything doctor/dentist related"

Then hes not a SAHD is he? Hes an incredibly expensive nanny for while youre at work.

Our relationship was abusive for the first 5 years. I was young then and didn't know I had options, I was beaten down mentally, occasionally physically. I had no idea. I do know the submissive-ness started then, I "grew up" with it so to speak. Now, that shit wouldn't fly, not that he tries it. If he did, he'd be out in a heartbeat. He's ashamed he ever treated me that way, it's still deeply upsetting if I actually think about it for too long but I know that's over. The money stuff is so much more subtle I feel a bit silly about it. I can see I'm not, but it feels that way.

Seems like he's worked out what he can get away with OP. The abuse hasn't stopped , it's just shifted.

From his POV I can see that he has a very cozy life , he does little housework , has access to cash whenever he pleases (the bill payment fairies sort the important stuff out , that's not his problem) , he doesn't have to work , he gets to play the big man around friends...meanwhile you have to deal with the real stuff.

I have no idea how you can live like this OP. It's not good for your kids to see either , it gives them completely the wrong impression of what a relationship should look like.

You can do better , I'm sure of it.

This is so hard. I don't think he's "evil". I really don't. He had an utterly horrible childhood and teens and a stable family to love and love him is all he ever wanted.

I'm tearing up on the bus with dd on my work trip even thinking it. I just don't know how to handle it after living with it for so long and "being ok" with it.

"The money stuff is so much more subtle"

No! It is not subtle! he is stealing from the household accounts for personal use, when the household accounts aren't flush enough to sustain it. this is not subtle!

"I feel a bit silly about it. "

Please don't feel silly. Honestly, don't. You are a kind and capable person who is doing your best in all directions. I don't think you are silly. Please don't feel silly.

Doesn't matter what he is OP , he's not adding to your life , he's taking.

Get some advice. Who's name is the house in? Where do you stand legally with all the important things...children , money etc.

Phone women's aid and they can find you some appropriate legal advice and put you on the right track.

You already have a lot more than many abused women do. You've got an income that you could survive on and support your kids. I know that won't make it feel easier right now but you can climb this mountain just get some legal advice and hold fire , in the meantime change nothing at home at all until you know what you can/can't do in the eyes of the law.

And please remember...you've been looking after yourself for years , you are the strong one , abusive actions are for the weak and damaged.