Dh cannot see his spending is wrong - part rant needed, part help

[Genericwobbler]

NC'd because I don't want this attached to my usual name. But CANCEL THE CHEQUE! Purple house. Cockwomble etc. I'm sorry this is super long.

Trying not to drip feed. I work ft and dh is sahp after taking redundancy a few years back. I was pt but could go ft so that was a mutual decision that he would take over the dc school runs.

Recently I had a brilliant promotion, very stressful at times but I love my job. I'm happy as I never thought we would be in a position to earn enough to receive no benefits, but it's basically just that any benefit we had previously (housing benefit, child tax cred, working tax cred) is just made up now by my wages and a couple of hundred extra a month. So we're not amazingly better off, but could be comfortable.

Normally I used to get paid, work out what bills were coming out of who's account and make sure each of us had enough in there to cover them, then split what was left equally, with a bit extra in mine as I'd do the shopping at the weekends. The split money wasn't to spend as we pleased as such, more that if one of us was out and realised we needed something, we'd be able to get it. Sometimes he'd run out and I'd have to transfer more to him and he'd say I was "drip feeding him" which pissed me off because he has the online banking codes to both accounts but NEVER logs on, he's probably even lost them. It makes me feel like the overlord or something, which is so far from it. And I don't give a shit about money, so long as we have what we need.

Well the last couple of months have been hard. We've had extra bills to pay, and will do for probably about a year, plus a mix up with my new pension amount starting means we're about 116 a month down there as well. Last month I had to borrow £30 from my wonderful dm, so I decided this month we should try something new. So he could see his spending is what's leaving us short. Because it is. Honestly, I feel like I'd be rather well off without him right now, which isn't nice.

I suggested he start looking for a job again as he's said he wants to go back to work for ages now, and I even found his cv on the computer for him! A friend of his sent him some link about a job as well, but I don't think he even looked at it despite him telling me about it. He thought I was bu because "I never tried to make you get a job when you weren't working and I was". Well, the dc were smaller then but as soon as I found something part time that worked around school times I took it, because I wanted to, so it's completely different! Plus, we NEED the money now, due to his spending.

So I worked out we would have £110 a week after bills and money for shopping. So I took it out and put it in envelopes so we could see in cash what we had and every time it would be a physical reminder of how much was there. Well it's flopped, greatly. He was all for it. But it's flopped. What he spends money on is seeing his friends, mostly on one night a week crazily, since becoming short of money he's thought nothing of going out more, not less. Since payday 12 days ago he's spent £18 on a gift (alcohol) and card for friend's birthday, £20 to celebrate with another as he was moving away, £20 as a "reward" to himself after some gardening, £10 on his "usual" day out because I said we had no money for it, £40 on another friend's birthday... then today. He wanted to spend some money getting lunch supplies for dc but didn't see why it should come out of our week money (it should have) so I relented, whatever, take it out of the bank. I didn't take child benefit into account when budgeting so we'd have a "buffer".

He took out 20, spent half, so this evening we had 26 from our week money and 10 from the bank. He got an offer of a free evening out and wanted to go, so I was waiting for him to start about money, dreading it really. So he asks if I need one pound, can he take it to get a can if drink while he walks. That makes me feel shitty, so I say why don't you just take the tenner because you're making me feel like an arsehole, asking if I mind if you take a fucking pound!

So he says oh, well why don't I just take the money for my regular night out instead and do it tonight?

I gave up. I should've said no but instead I just didn't really say anything, and he was so set on it he didn't seem to notice. So he took £25...of the £35. How can he not see that's just wrong? Or why doesn't he care? I don't go out myself, don't spend much money on myself at all (and nothing last month or this month so far). He actually asked me if I might "borrow" sone money from work. I'm ashamed to say I almost considered it but I'm not risking my job because he's a twat. He doesn't HAVE to get a job, only if he wants to continue spending like this, all our bills are paid, anything he earned would be extra, or savings...god I'd love to have savings. He's always going on about his mates have this money or that money, they're going on holiday - well they've got jobs or gfs they claim not to live with so have extra benefits or live with parents and no rent!

Hese always been unreliable with money but it's gotten worse. On the days we were really skint last month I honestly just wondered why the fuck I bother.

Why the fuck do I bother?

Wow, thank you for the replies, he's come back, they've called it a night apparently (money spent though obviously). I will read everything and answer in the morning, I've got an easy day tomorrow, trip out for work so will have more time to reply properly. Thank yiue all though, sometimes I feel like I'm going a bit nuts over it.

So you should "borrow" money from work to fund his lifestyle. WTAF. How will his lifestyle be funded when you get the sack and possibly worse?

You'd be better off on your own, OP. He doesn't have your best interests in mind.

This behaviour was a huge factor in the decision to end my very long marriage. ExDH made me look like I was controlling him when I was actually trying to keep us afloat. He got to play the laid back, easy going, generous, all round nice guy while I was the tight, miserable wife.

When we split I spent my half of the proceeds of the sale of our house on a home for me and the kids. He just spent his on drinking.

Your DH sounds like he doesn't want to grow up.

His behaviour and attitude are really peculiar. Does he not understand the basic point that if you are hard up then spending has to be cut back? Or does he think that his needs to go out are more important than your needs to have financial security and peace of mind? Or does he basically just not think?!

As for him asking you to steal from work ... that is just unbelievable.

No, he wants HER to become a thief to fund his lifestyle. He isn't even bloody willing to steal himself! He wants her to put her job at risk - and this is a job he knows she loves - and put her reputation and her liberty at risk, too.

I would leave him over that, OP.

I think you should seriously think about what he actually brings to the table. He could really drag you down financially if you are not careful.

i don't understand why the kidsd packed lunches are coming out of the spare cash and not the household budget. I buy DS2's packed lunch stuff with groceries.It's just a meal after all.

I also agree that £55 isn't a lot. I've spent £33 on bus fares for me and the kids in just 2 days of going out, so far, this week.

I do sympathise with the frustration of living with a man who has no concept of sticking to a budget, though. That was a big issue, with my ex. He'd easily spend £500 a month on nothing much at all. He'd put it on his credit card. I was making sure it got paid off, but it hit a point where it couldn't be paid off and I tried to explain that to him, but he just stubbornly kept on spending money on goodness knows what (I saw the £100 per month on Folio society books and guessed about him taking taxis when a (very frequent) bus would do, but also heard, through the grapevine, that he had a thing for fruit machines). That fell on deaf ears, so i just started putting the bills on his desk. He shoved them to one side, then had a go at me when they didn't get paid.

It sounds like our DH is being an utter muppet about his spending money. You need to make sure the kids' food and essential bills are covered and leave him to it with whatever you can genuinely afford as free spending money.

And if he wants a lifestyle, he needs to find a legitimate way of paying for it. Maybe get a job?

Sandwich's - He knew this and was all for it (as I was making them before I went to work)....I've changed our gas and electric supplier to save £10 a month...I've cancelled bits of our tv/internet to save money

I would have thought the above fell into the parameters of the SAHP job?

So long as you can provide evidence that you split personal spends 50/50 into his account for him to spend as he wished - you can't be accused of financial abuse.....which is what he's trying to insinuate.

Don't keep taking responsibility for 'sorting out' his spending habits. Just leave him to it and when he asks to 'borrow' from you - learn to say 'NO' and refuse to engage in that conversation.

what is he actually like as a 'SAHD' whilst the dc are in school?
Seeing as you do the financial management, pack lunches and grocery shopping?

he needs to get a job.
with the current set up he could bleed you dry/run up debts in your name/cite financial abuse as his reason for divorce and then take your dc and house.

Well I suppose for there to be a SAHP, both parents need to agree. He is putting you in a horrible position, OP.

It isn't up to us to say whether he would be better off with a job or not - he has already said he doesn't want one.

As an able bodied adult you can't just decide that you 'don't want a job' that's ridiculous. The SAHP'ing (a luxury either for men or women) doesn't even involve making DC's packed lunches or financial management. He is lazy and CBA is the biggest thing for me here even to the extent he would let the OP steal .

My exH was like this. He understood what his overspending was doing he just didn't care as long as i was absorbing his overspending by going without. Like a pp within a few months of splitting up all his settlement was pissed up the wall. He did the mind games too, made me believe I was the controlling one.

"As an able bodied adult you can't just decide that you 'don't want a job' that's ridiculous. "

Yes I know that. But what the posters on here talking about what is reasonable or ridiculous don't get, is that you can't make adults do things, however reasonable or necessary they are, or however much of a shit they are if they don't do them.

So "he should get a job" isn't a solution that helps the OP because it doesn't answer "how to make a man who has refused to, get a job".

That's why I said chuck him out.

When I was in a relationship I posted repeatedly to mn over years about: this is crushing me. life is busy and pressuring. P is not supporting me. I am going under. What can I do?

Again and again I got replies falling broadly into 2 categories:

1- he should support you. It would be reasonable for him to do at least the following.
2 - he isn't supporting you, he doesn't love you or care about him, you would be better off without him

I didn't want to leave him and focused on 1. type replies for years. Nothing happened. He didn't want to support me, I couldn't make him, i nearly went under phuysically and emotionally many times, and financially, and it was awful.

I am genuinely shocked he would ask you to steal from your employer to fund his social life. And when you lost your job and couldn't get another one because of it, what would he do then?

He needs to get a job or get out.

My husband is a bit like this. We are better off but each get a chunk to spend a month. I get all kids activities etc out of mine. Dh usually runs out of money mid month. Every few months we take money out our savings to pay off his credit card bill,

This is s man who never had any savings despite earning £30k straight out of uni. He tells me he didn't have savings at age 25 when on £50k as he was busy treating me. Yes at that point he did pay for dinner etc more often as I was on £16k (training). Why this is relevant I do not know.

When I challenge him he says "I've not bought anything for myself" but he has still spent it.

He really struggled since we got married, had kids became grown ups to not spend every penny as soon as it appears.

He is spending a lot of money - £10 here, £20 there adds up very quickly. Same as above, my divorce settlement was spent on securing a home for me and my children, ExH's was pissed up the wall. He earns 4x what I do and has nothing to show for it, I'm fairly comfortable. It's all about priorities. Your H doesn't have his priorities right at all.

My dh and I have equal disposable income despite me having a lesser income but I refuse to do joint accounts because our spending patterns are so different.

There's no way I'd have a joint account with him. We both have equal opportunity for savings, everything is fair, and we never have to discuss money let alone argue over it.

That's why I said chuck him out.

Whereas I am suggesting she gives him the chance to step up and sort it out first. It may not work but where he is the father of her children most people would at least try.

There's no way I'd have a joint account with him. We both have equal opportunity for savings, everything is fair, and we never have to discuss money let alone argue over it.

That works for you but won't in this case where he is taking money that should be spent on buying groceries and instead going on nights out.

I like the description of seeing money as like daylight or time. I could not live with someone who saw it that way.

He asked you to steal from work to fund his night out. That tells you all you need to know.

Are your work hours predictably 9-5? Could he get an evening job?

Your DH is a scattercash. He doesn't earn the money so gives it no value. You can't afford for him to be a sah parent.

In the meantime you need to work out your budget. He doesn't get extra spends because he wants them. He gets what can be realistically afforded. His usual night out isn't some protected bill like the mortgage or rent THAT MUST BE PAID. It's a luxury that should be only taken when it's affordable.

Draw out cash what his 'spending' money is. You have the same amount. When it's gone it's gone. When he asks for more ask him where it's going to come from. When he persists and keeps asking (which he will) look at him and ask him why he is behaving like a fucking child and point out you married him to be equal partners not you manage him like a parent.

He needs to either stop spending money you don't have. Or get a job. If he won't do either then you may be better off single.

However. As he is the sahp he could be the one to get the dcs so proceed with caution. I would be doing my very very best to get him a job asap.

OP your partner is a deeply selfish and immature man child who needs to grow up.

I was married to one of these. He loves to splash the cash on himself rather than on the family and not worry about whether we can afford it. I did manage to find ways to limit his spending but it wasn't the only way that he was selfish and so in the end we called it a day.

People can change but only if they want to.
My advice to you is to make it clear to him what is acceptable to you. If he can't make the effort to change his habits then bin him off. Don't waste your life trying to work around his failings like I did.