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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Perspective needed - STBXH tells people I destroyed him with how I handled separation. Was I unfair?

59 replies

whereisthesunshine · 12/04/2017 10:35

Deep down I know IWNBU but I feel shit nonetheless and guilty.

Background: H left me after I discovered EA with work colleague. I was willing to try work through it but he didn't want to. I was the main earner. We jointly owned a house. H moved into the spare room, he did not want to move out. EA with OW continued. After a month or so he refused to pay towards mortgage, bills etc. and basically wanted to just live there whilst applying for higher paying jobs. I found the separation very hard to cope with mentally and also did not see why I should pay for him. We argued a lot, it was horrible. Eventually, he moved out and I have now bought him out of the house. There wasn't much in terms of equity but a low five figure sum has changed hands. It's all with my solicitor.

All of this was 8 months ago. I am still working very hard on getting over things. As far as I know he is still working in his old job and rents a bed sit in the neighbouring town. I am aware that his income is low but he has got the house money.

I met with a 'friend' the other day (also very close friend of h) who suddenly verbally attacked me about how I could have been so heattless, how h has to live so frugally now. He can't afford much, can't access benefits, and if I had just let him live with me a little longer, he would not suffer as much. I should have taken the high ground and be an adult and let him live with me.

My head is all over the place and I don't know whether she has a point or not? I guess I am looking for perspective, I don't mind btw being told that I was unfair in how I handled things. I must don't know anymore.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 12/04/2017 10:38

He had an emotional affair. He didn't want to work through a reconciliation. He stopped paying bills. So you bought him out of the house. How are you unreasonable??

IDontLikeMyUsername · 12/04/2017 10:39

Your 'friend' does not have a point imo.
Your ex made choices. He now chooses to mope in a bed sit.

Strength and good times to you my dear

Happybunny19 · 12/04/2017 10:40

No you weren't unreasonable or unfair in any way, your ex was a dick head. Cut off "friend" they're also a dick head. You weren't the one having an affair, he made his bed and now has to lie in it.

Original poster

whereisthesunshine · 12/04/2017 10:41

In that he is now worse off financially? That's the friend's argument. I'm suddenly really wobbly.

OP posts:

TryingToStartOver · 12/04/2017 10:42

In what world do you get to cheat and then live rent free and guilt free with the person you cheated on? He is at the very least an idiot. Any chance this friend is also the OW?

InfiniteSheldon · 12/04/2017 10:43

Good grief what a freeloading whinger ! You are not responsible for him or his imagined 'predicament' tell your mutual friend to do one.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 12/04/2017 10:43

Your dh lost the right to your respect or concern when he cheated. .

He wasn't concerned about you then. .

He made his own bed as they say. .

Trollspoopglitter · 12/04/2017 10:44

I would have answered, tell tou what...when your husbands cheats on you and carries on cheating on you while living off your higher wages, and refuses to contribute to joint bills, let me know. I can then invite you to lunch and tell you how unfair you are being to him.

EffinElle · 12/04/2017 10:44

Tell your so called friend to fuck off! Your ex chose his path, all his own doing. Don't see this 'friend' again

Rainbowqueeen · 12/04/2017 10:44

He has to make it all your fault or otherwise it might be his.

Presumably he can't access benefits because he has the money you paid him out of the house? That's a government rule not yours.

He just wants everyone to feel sorry for him rather than getting on with his life

HollyJollyDillydolly · 12/04/2017 10:45

You were very reasonable to not pack his bags when you found out about the ow. He's made his bed as they say, shame it's in a little bedsit but hey ho.

Huskylover1 · 12/04/2017 10:48

He is worse off financially, because he earns less and he no longer lives with a high earning Partner. Tough shit. He ended your relationship. Why on earth would you support him financially??

I am significantly worse off, since leaving my ExH. Because I earn one tenth of what he does. I knew this when I left. It's not rocket science.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I hope you stuck up for yourself!

pieceofpurplesky · 12/04/2017 10:50

My exh did this - slated me to everyone - even down to the fact his EA was my fault etc. Mutual friends thought I was the bad one.
Three years in they see him in a different light - but I am no longer friends with them. There are casualties when you separate - but it will really make you see who your true friends are. Ditch the haters and move on with your life - you have been generous and if he has fucked up its his fault not yours.

OSETmum · 12/04/2017 10:55

He'll no, of course YANBU! He'll have just been whinging to her and playing down his part in all of this (which is of course that the whole thing is his fault).

BiddyPop · 12/04/2017 10:59

So now he's realized that he had his cake, and couldn't be bothered eating it in favour of eating other cake elsewhere, but latterly realizes that lemon poppy seed with extra icing that was available with you is much nicer than the plain madeira he now has to manage alone (and he probably doesn't even have the chocolate of the OW!).

(Sorry, I know that's a really bad analogy - but he sounds daft and the daftness above made sense when I started writing )

Original poster

whereisthesunshine · 12/04/2017 11:04

Thank you everyone, it's reassuring. No, friend is not OW, I know who OW is. She has since dumped him. Yes, he can't get benefits because of the house money. He doesn't want to touch it though as it's 'all he's got left'. It's heartbreaking though - I have already lost so many friends through this, or what o thought were friends. Really need to concentrate on me now I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

whereisthesunshine · 12/04/2017 11:06

Ha BiddyPop I like your analogy 😀

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2017 11:07

You are well rid of your ex. And your friend is an idiot.

Do not give it a moments thought. He's not your child FFS. He fucked up, betrayed you, stopped contributing - what a waste of space.

Be proud and glad you have sorted your life out and no longer have to deal with him.

Ditch the dumb 'friend'.

SolomanDaisy · 12/04/2017 11:09

It doesn't even make sense. What difference would it have made if he'd lived with you for longer? He'd just have delayed the bedside for a few months.

SolomanDaisy · 12/04/2017 11:10

Bedsit.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 11:11

In that he is now worse off financially?
Ahhhh. Diddums - poor little poppet!
NOT!!!!
Don't wobble - stop feeling guilty.
He decided to shit on you from a great height.
Remember that??? Remember feeling like your heart had been ripped out, thrown on the ground, broken into a million pieces, and then stamped on???? And then just left for you to pick it up and repair it!
Never forget what he did to you.
You were willing to try to forgive and move on.
HE didn't want to. The grass was looking greener!
HE wanted you to then subsidise him, after everything he put you through.
Fuck that for a game soldiers.
You were very very fair!!!
Too nice as well.
He was lucky you didn't kick his arse to the curb the moment you found out about the affair.
Your friend is a dick-head!

JustSpeakSense · 12/04/2017 11:15

So now he realises what he's lost? And he's whinging about it to anyone who will listen.

He made selfish choices that ended your marriage, and now you are looking after yourself and moving on you are in the wrong....I think not!

Well done OP.

This person is not your friend, get rid.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2017 11:17

You really haven't lost friends from the split.
What has happened, is you had a golden opportunity to see who were true friends and who were arseholes... so now you don't have to invest time in people who ultimately haven't got your back. Quite useful really!
As to this particular dickhead... cut them off. You don't need whining shit like that in your life!

AnnaNimmity · 12/04/2017 11:19

my exH is the same. I divorced him, got the house (subject to a huge mortgage) do 99% of the childcare and he goes on about how I ruined him, and how I've taken his pension (the house) off him.

I won't actually own the house for another 20 years (when the mortgage is paid off) so it's not as though I got much.

he also went off with an other woman.

I don't think you (or I) did wrong. They wanted out of the marriage - it's tough shit they're poor now. But all their own doing.

0nline · 12/04/2017 11:20

In that he is now worse off financially?

That's one of the better known side effects of having an affair.

If you do something that is famed for breaking the foundation of a couple, causing separation and the need for two homes rather than one, potentially also maintenance being payable... then you knowingly take on the risk of that being your fate when you participate in temptation being unsuccessfully resisted.

None of our lives get better until we take ownership of the things we did to harm ourselves and others. It might feel nicer superficially to blame somebody else, but in reality it just keeps us even longer in the pit we dug.

You can feel for him, pity him for the ramifications of his self inflicted wounds. But it would be unconscionable for anybody who cares about him to try and shift the blame onto you. If they care about him their priority has to be on him getting to a point of internal honesty. Because only then will he be able to rebuild, and go on to make a much better fist of his life.

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