Perspective needed - STBXH tells people I destroyed him with how I handled separation. Was I unfair?

[whereisthesunshine]

Deep down I know IWNBU but I feel shit nonetheless and guilty.

Background: H left me after I discovered EA with work colleague. I was willing to try work through it but he didn't want to. I was the main earner. We jointly owned a house. H moved into the spare room, he did not want to move out. EA with OW continued. After a month or so he refused to pay towards mortgage, bills etc. and basically wanted to just live there whilst applying for higher paying jobs. I found the separation very hard to cope with mentally and also did not see why I should pay for him. We argued a lot, it was horrible. Eventually, he moved out and I have now bought him out of the house. There wasn't much in terms of equity but a low five figure sum has changed hands. It's all with my solicitor.

All of this was 8 months ago. I am still working very hard on getting over things. As far as I know he is still working in his old job and rents a bed sit in the neighbouring town. I am aware that his income is low but he has got the house money.

I met with a 'friend' the other day (also very close friend of h) who suddenly verbally attacked me about how I could have been so heattless, how h has to live so frugally now. He can't afford much, can't access benefits, and if I had just let him live with me a little longer, he would not suffer as much. I should have taken the high ground and be an adult and let him live with me.

My head is all over the place and I don't know whether she has a point or not? I guess I am looking for perspective, I don't mind btw being told that I was unfair in how I handled things. I must don't know anymore.

hellsbels and everyone, thank you. I certainly haven't forgotten the feelings, maybe tried to push them aside in my efforts to move on, but it's good to be reminded!!! Have just texted friend - not to defend myself but to tell her what I think of her attitude. Couldn't do it there and then as I was too taken aback.

Also his party line to everyone was that we mutually and amicably separated. I have given up to correct everyone. My real friends know though.

How dare that person speak to you like that. An absolute cheek and its not their business or place to speak.

He had an affair, so I don't see anything you did as being unfair. You stood your ground and stood up to living with a husband who continued to have affair.

Why didn't he hop to move in with the OW.

Please don't listen to the nonsense that person said and I personally would block them out of my life.

I can't believe the barefaced cheek of it.

Your ex and "friend" are both cheeky devils

Your ex didn't end up where he has today by doing the right thing and playing fair. Karma has (rightly) caught up with him and he hates his life - poor diddums!

by the way--he doesnt "have" to live in a bedsit. The difference in most parts of the country between that and a reasonable 1 bed flat is about 250.00 a month and he has cash! He is "choosing" not to spend it. Personally if I leave I will use virtually all the money I have to get somewhere decent to rent . Its a "choice"

"That's a very interesting point of view. Perhaps you would like to have him live with you for 6 months? After all, he hasn't cheated on you, has he!" Tinkly laugh.

Some people always need to have an opinion and share it with other people - just ignore them, he is very lucky to have a lump sum from you while you provide for the children. If you didn't want his as his life he should have not been a dick and kept his wedding vows. He hS only himself to blame.

Don't give it another thought.

He's probably on the lookout for his next gf and is just peddling whatever story he thinks makes him look least like the loser he is.

A nasty cruel ex is the ONLY story that might explain why he's single, living in a shitty bedsit, eating beans on toast with no obvious prospects for improving his fortunes (other than convincing some woman to let him move in)

He is finding consequences of his actions are unpleasant.
HIS actions, not yours.
He had the affair, he decided not to work on fixing your relationship, he decided to stop contributing financially.
You didn't, he did.
He could have made a different decision, but hr didn't. Then he discovered that the greener grass he was longing for was all bullshit and he regrets it.
Tough for him. He deserves it.

That's a very interesting point of view. Perhaps you would like to have him live with you for 6 months? After all, he hasn't cheated on you, has he!" Tinkly laugh

Perfect

Again, thanks everyone. I feel a little better now. Gosh, it's hard if someone you thought you knew so well turns into someone completely different. This has also given me the kick I needed to crack on with divorce proceedings.

How ridiculous of your 'friend' to make you feel guilty. As if you didn't feel bad enough about the situation. Me and my ex partner split and it was fully my decision to leave (no cheating involved) I am worse financially than he is, he has the house we bought together and I would never expect him to let me stay there for free, in fact let me stay there at all! You make your bed, you lie in it. Him and your 'friend' are the selfish ones!

I'm sure you're a much nicer person than I am, OP, so I expect you aren't taking any satisfaction that your XP's reward for cheating on you and refusing your offer to reconcile is that he is now sitting by himself in a bedsit, having lost his relationship, his OW and his home.

Bwahahahaha.....this is all, 100% and entirely his doing, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Bet she doesn't know that he expected to live off you indefinitely in the period of separation.

Funny how 'friend' complained that your Ex that he is now worse off financially, not that he sorry he cheated and didn't try hard enough to save his marriage or that your EX missed his children. Just that he didn't have more money. Says a lot doesn't it.

Shame actions have consequences.

This is classic 'pity me in my grotty bedside eating pot noodles' reaction from a man who thought he could push his luck, then found out he couldn't.

They rewrite history OP. My ex was so good at rewriting our history that I'm surprised he didn't get a publisher and with the Man Booker.

My ex painted me as a wicked witch. "She threw me out of the family home' he bemoaned to every poor sod who lent him his ear. He omitted the fact that there had been an OW for two years, he'd been emotionally abusive to me and the kids, etc. I did very well with the divorce settlement, which just furthered his kicked puppy act.

Thing is people worth their salt stick by you, they keep quiet until they know the truth. Good people stay around, others are natural wastage in the fallout.

Rise above it, nod and smile, keep quiet.

You don't have to defend yourself, because you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

This 'friend' sounds like a stirrer; personally I wouldn't dignify her opinion with a response.

That was no 'friend' of yours. Your ex has done a right number on them.
Youre on the best path. Stay on it

He's the one who had the affair and now he has to live with the consequences. Nobody would expect you to support him after that, he's a grown man.

Any friends that you have lost over this were not true friends

Just had this reply from her: Stuff like this happens,sunshine, that's life. Can you not rise above it? He's in a bad state Wtf? I give up.

And yes tiger there is a little bit that thanks 'serves him right'. I'll burn in hell.

That's no friend - block and move on - 'sunshine' the cheek!

I would feel free to respond to her - "he made his choice when he cheated on me and then expected to live off me while we were separated. I'm all out of sympathy. Goodbye" and block.

Personally, I would be wondering just how good a friend she is currently being to your ex? She sounds just a little too invested IYSWIM.

Ask her if she would be willing to subsidise all rent/bills of someone who had cheated on and decided to leave her.

Doing that would not make you the bigger person op, it would make you a mug.