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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me some perspective

81 replies

Feelingoverit · 11/04/2017 19:06

Hi, have been reading and lurking, lots of threads, historic and current. Can see the cycle of emotional abuse i seem to have found myself in. Currently on second day of husband sulking, not complete silent treatment. Replied to my text asking if he was ignoring me today with a no.
Yesterday he came home from work, looked in cupboard to see if I'd bought bread, I had forgotten, hadn't been to shops. He proceeded to lose his temper, nothing for breakfast, nothing to take for lunch. I have a long day at work etc etc. My new reaction to when he spits his dummy out is to not respond. I apologised for forgetting and Suggested there was plenty of cereal for breakfast, wraps to take for lunch etc. Met with meltdown, that's not what I want for breakfast, you don't understand how hard it is to be driving all day. You can get lunch when you want etc etc. He knows I really don't like it when he loses his temper and shouts aggressively. He totally over reacts at the slightest thing, whereas he could just have easily responded with,ok, I'll just pop and grab a loaf while you put kids to bed. I never know what reaction I'll get. Anyway, he then stormed off to bed, I asked him if he was watching broad church with me. He said no and went to bed. Went to work before I got up, I always text a good morning, which I did, he didn't reply. I text him later on asking if he was ignoring me, just got a no. He has since come home, not telling me how late he would be. Seen the dinner I have saved for him, turned his nose up, is that all I get after working all day. Cold pasta bake. Obviously I would have heated it up for him! He's now gone out to get himself something proper to eat. I know that he is trying to break me down to beg forgiveness for daring to forget bread, and serve such a shoddy meal, help me to not buckle when he gets home!

OP posts:

notmywords · 12/04/2017 14:10

bees exactly! That's what's so frustrating.

It's not that I don't love him or don't believe we can be happy. He doesn't want to be.

I am unhappy with situation and he is not. I think he would be quite happy being miserable and blaming everyone else for the next 30 years.

It seems the better things are and less able he is to blame someone else for his misery the more exasperated and illogical he gets.

notmywords · 12/04/2017 14:11

So how do you leave. On a practical level.

I know for certain he will NEVER move out or make it easy for me to.

Secretlife0fbees · 12/04/2017 14:21

So, you shift your focus from trying to make an impossible situation work, to accepting that it won't and getting a plan in place. Legal advice/women's aid/finances - take your time and don't panic, there are always options available to you. Don't mention any of it to him. Post on here for support, start talking to your friends and family if you have anyone you can trust. And then, once you're ready you take a deep breath and put the plan into action.
Every situation is different, I had to threaten mine with police action for his abusive behaviour and I managed to get him to leave the family home. That's why it's so important to get all the information sorted first. I wanted to give my dc the happy lives they deserve, that I never had, and he was not going to rob that from us. Honestly, ring womensaid - nothing will happen, they won't tell anyone and they will believe you.

Secretlife0fbees · 12/04/2017 14:32

It doesn't make any sense does it? You're there having a nice time, you let your guard down and think 'maybe things will be ok after all, maybe he's happy' and then he would always find a reason to sabotage it over nothing. Especially times when you really need to feel secure and relaxed. Something will trigger it off and you just think why? Why doesn't he want to be happy too? I was talking to my friend yesterday who got rid of her controlling ex a few years ago and she said the exact same thing. Some people are just fuckers I guess....!
Example of one thing before I made my final decision, we were happy, I was cooking and chatting to him about something and nothing, I suddenly realised that I'd said something wrong. He told me to go upstairs as he didn't want to sit with me and watch tv with me and I just sat down at the table and cried for an hour. I just felt so trapped, like I had so options and no escape from this for the rest of my life. I was so weighed down I just felt hopeless. But there was a way out, there always is.

Adora10 · 12/04/2017 16:46

So he treats you like his emotional punch bag, everything is your fault and you are also expected to be his mother and ensure he's well fed, and after all that, he cheats on you.

Sorry OP, I totally get what you are saying but this must be awful for you and it will be affecting your children; sulks, silences, atmospheres, nobody is immune to all of that.

I honestly don't think he will change now; why should he, you are still there and he's using the kids as a way of keeping you in place.

I'd go to CAB and find out my entitlements, loads of women leave relationships with kids, and for a lot less than what you are suffering.

His kids can still adore him and hopefully if you are living separating they won't have to suffer his childish sulks and stomping off moods.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/04/2017 16:52

I doubt they feel safe when they sense an atmosphere they don't understand .

Original poster

feelingoverit · 05/04/2018 12:23

A year later..... same old situation, depresses me greatly to re read this post, and others, to discover nothing has changed. On Sunday he had a paddy and overreacted about children and headphones in the car on their tablets, I was calm, looking out of window, didn't engage or contribute, just said he can listen without a headset, it didnt really matter. It caused a rage, shouting and being nasty. Being blamed for dangerous driving, not being organised, causing arguements etc. I ignored him til services , while fighting back tears as we are right back to this miserable existence. At the services he then started again, shouting and blaming me for ignoring him all the way home, making nasty digs about a crash I had had last year and the fact I didn't have my bank card in my bag for the children's drinks. When I tried to tell him I was sad because of the temper tantrum and again his miniature fuse and over reactions and now he has accused me of always looking for the worst in him and setting him up to fail. What do I do?!?! Is this a dead horse we are flogging or are my standards too high? The days are calm now as we are both being civil but this is no life :(( he's making me feel it's my fault :((

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2018 12:32

Why are you still with him?

Why did you ignore all the advice given to you a year ago?

You are the only person who can change this situation.

Contact Women's Aid. Get legal advice. Sort out finances and get a plan together for your kids' sake, please.

Original poster

feelingoverit · 05/04/2018 12:35

Because I'm scared of the future, I'll miss my children. I can't afford to live alone.

Because I keep questioning myself, am I causing this? Am I expecting too much? Am I looking for faults?

OP posts:

ChickenMom · 05/04/2018 16:15

Why does it matter if you are to blame or him? What matters is if you are happy or not. You clearly are not. I think his behaviour is horrid but then some people do put up with worse. It’s personal perspective. He could be Brad Pitt and buying you roses everyday but if you aren’t happy that’s your right to decide and you don’t have to keep trying to work out who is right/wrong. You sound very passive and reactionary to his moods. Why don’t you sit down with a counsellor and work out what you need/want from life. It sounds like he makes you totally miserable. It’s no way to live in my opinion. You don’t have to have a solid argument for wanting out. You can just say to him “your shouting and temper make me unhappy. I don’t want to be married to you anymore” it’s ok to do that. See a solicitor and work out the finances. Are you renting or mortgage? If you aren’t working and separated you will be entitled to benefits. I have a friend who had absolutely nothing and left her abusive DH. She’s made it work so I’m sure you can too

QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 16:32

Do you have a mortgage? Are you married and do you work?

Original poster

feelingoverit · 05/04/2018 16:50

Thank you. I feel like I should be grateful? To not rock the boat. To be happy with what I have? I used to tolerate so much more , but I can't any more and he's probably confused as to why I'm not happy with his behaviour when it's always been the same. I am quite passive to it now, it's self preservation! Can't get swept in to it , don't want arguments. Don't want stress. We have two children who don't want for anything, full cupboards, health, treats, nice car. I'd take them away from all that. I do work, and am married, and rent. I can't afford rent alone but earn too much for benefits.

OP posts:

SuperSange · 05/04/2018 17:04

I know situations are difficult to leave and you say you don't want to do that to your children; so what exactly are you doing for them? They will know what's going on, they'll be frightened, and you're not protecting them. You're putting yourself before your children. Can you see that?

CheeseyToast · 05/04/2018 17:52

You have a choice here: you can stay - and continue to report on all the unpleasantries, or you can make the break.

Millions of women have faced the same anxieties that you're experiencing, and many have made the leap into a better life.

It seems as though you're negative thought patterns are preventing you from moving on (can't afford to etc)

Try to flip this thinking by approaching each hurdle with a focus on solution rather than evidence of your need to maintain this toxic relationship.

Leaving isn't easy, but it's got to be better than this miserable carry on.

Original poster

feelingoverit · 05/04/2018 20:50

I know. You are right. I am so scared it’s not the right thing. He’s moping about, making me feel like a cold hearted bitch, if I say sorry, it’ll all be ok. I’m so confused

OP posts:

CheeseyToast · 05/04/2018 22:24

No it won't be OK if you say sorry, it'll never be OK.

So long as you continue to do as you've done, things will remain the same. If you want things to change, you need to make those changes. He is not going to.

Sorry but I'm out of patience now. Sometimes I feel that people who stay in toxic relationships enjoy it on some level, even subconsciously. Or don't realise how out of touch and arrogant they sound by intimating that their situation is in some way unique. No it isn't. All toxic relationships have the same ingredients / two players in the same dance.

You're at the the controls of your life, no one else. If you don't like it, change it.

Possum123 · 05/04/2018 22:40

I left my very similar abusive ex about 18 months ago.
Life hasn't always been easy but it is better than putting up with this kind of behaviour daily.
I do miss my children when they are not me and I worry about them however I have used the time to rest, help my career progress etc
I was SAHM when I left so I have had to work very hard in the last 18 months but it has been worth it.
As I say it's not always easy but you can do it.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 22:40

So if you work you will get tax credits, help with housing benefit, child benefit and he will have to pay you child maintenance.

This won’t go away. Can’t you make a plan to at least leave in the future?

He won’t change

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/04/2018 23:06

You can't leave because you'll miss the children? Do you really think he would have them 50:50? How much of the childcare and wifework does he do now?

Antislut · 06/04/2018 00:05

Hi, I've not read the whole thread. Have you considered maybe he's depressed? The sudden outbursts and mood swings. It sounds like there's something going on with him. Maybe the abuse you're suffering is a result of that. Just a thought.

Gide · 06/04/2018 10:14

Guarantee he won’t have the dc 50:50, I bet he will hardly bother.

How do you envisage your life in 10 years, feelingoverit? The same, with the children gone and sneering at poor downtrodden mum? You deserve so much more and yes, it will be hard for the first year, but so worth it.

Cambionome · 06/04/2018 10:54

I know it's hard. I've just left my stbxh after 29 years!
Take control. Make an appointment to see a solicitor (you can often get a free half hour) and find out properly what you would be entitled to. Don't try to do everything at once or it will seem overwhelming. Baby steps but keep moving forward.

Good luck.

OrangeCrush19 · 06/04/2018 11:47

You say your children don’t want for anything. I’m sorry to sound harsh but they want for a calm peaceful home where everyone is treated with respect.

Your post brought back horrific memories of my childhood - the sulking, the bullying, the crying, the walking on eggshells, feeling like there must be something wrong with me because mummy didn’t love me.

Give your kids the chance to see what a content happy parent looks like. Good luck.

TheJoyOfSox · 06/04/2018 11:54

He sounds a dick!

Ask him what he thinks he is achieving by acting like a spoilt brat.

He honestly is acting more childish than your children.

Remind him, that shops are not the exclusive domain of women, he can actually pick up a loaf if he thinks wraps aren’t good enough for his lunch.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2018 17:30

Yeah you need to think seriously about leaving
This is no way to live and your children are probably miserable too

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