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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give me some perspective

81 replies

Feelingoverit · 11/04/2017 19:06

Hi, have been reading and lurking, lots of threads, historic and current. Can see the cycle of emotional abuse i seem to have found myself in. Currently on second day of husband sulking, not complete silent treatment. Replied to my text asking if he was ignoring me today with a no.
Yesterday he came home from work, looked in cupboard to see if I'd bought bread, I had forgotten, hadn't been to shops. He proceeded to lose his temper, nothing for breakfast, nothing to take for lunch. I have a long day at work etc etc. My new reaction to when he spits his dummy out is to not respond. I apologised for forgetting and Suggested there was plenty of cereal for breakfast, wraps to take for lunch etc. Met with meltdown, that's not what I want for breakfast, you don't understand how hard it is to be driving all day. You can get lunch when you want etc etc. He knows I really don't like it when he loses his temper and shouts aggressively. He totally over reacts at the slightest thing, whereas he could just have easily responded with,ok, I'll just pop and grab a loaf while you put kids to bed. I never know what reaction I'll get. Anyway, he then stormed off to bed, I asked him if he was watching broad church with me. He said no and went to bed. Went to work before I got up, I always text a good morning, which I did, he didn't reply. I text him later on asking if he was ignoring me, just got a no. He has since come home, not telling me how late he would be. Seen the dinner I have saved for him, turned his nose up, is that all I get after working all day. Cold pasta bake. Obviously I would have heated it up for him! He's now gone out to get himself something proper to eat. I know that he is trying to break me down to beg forgiveness for daring to forget bread, and serve such a shoddy meal, help me to not buckle when he gets home!

OP posts:
Secretlife0fbees · 11/04/2017 21:49

How long have you been together? Have you got kids with him etc...

PollytheDolly · 11/04/2017 22:19

Ooo emotional withdrawal....isn't he a peach! Angry

Rather than ignore him, draw very firm boundaries and stick to them. Tell him if he's going to behave like that then you will sit in another room and do something you like and you are absolutely not bothered either way. You will respond to him when his behaviour changes and only then. And do not budge one bloody inch from this, each and every time.

Loving the diary idea and no you are not going mad. This is not you or anything you've done, it's him and only him and his regressed sulking child response to such small things is his problem, not yours.

Bloody does grind you down to a quivering wreck, doesn't it.

Alternatively, bin him.

PollytheDolly · 11/04/2017 22:22

He used to shout in my face with his chest puffed out and his finger pointed at me about what a BULLY I was!!! Errrr ok then

Those that point a finger....have three pointing back at themselves.

Original poster
Feelingoverit · 12/04/2017 06:33

We've been together 15years. Married for ten. There were millions of red flags oin early days, but as I've said, I was different then.

I can't stay and he leave..... I can't afford the rent alone and wouldn't get housing help as it's three beds and I'm not eligible for three beds due to ages of dcs.

Help me this morning.... I feel anxious.... haven't slept well, anxiety is in my stomach. Feel horrid and not very strong :(

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 07:36

Here for you Flowers

Do you have anywhere to go with DCs?

What's he doing now?

Try not to allow him this power of you, don't give him what he wants. Hard I know but you've got to put yourself first. Is it nice weather there today? Maybe a nice walk or something? X

FluffyWhiteTowels · 12/04/2017 07:48

OP look at the atmosphere you're creating for your DC.

Tell him if he can't be arsed to treat you with respect to stay away. Suggest that as he doesn't want to be in your company that he stay somewhere else. Head high amd smile.

Been there out the other side and life is so happy now. Be kind to yourself but be strong.

PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 07:55

Right. This is what I'd have done in this situation. No criticism to you OP because I've done exactly what you have in the past! Cake

Currently on second day of husband sulking, not complete silent treatment. Replied to my text asking if he was ignoring me today (don't do this again, ever) with a no.

Yesterday he came home from work, looked in cupboard to see if I'd bought bread, I had forgotten, hadn't been to shops. He proceeded to lose his temper, nothing for breakfast, nothing to take for lunch. I have a long day at work etc etc. My new reaction to when he spits his dummy out is to not respond. (Respond with I will not be spoken to like that, the shop is over there, you can come and talk to me when you behave in an acceptable manner)

I apologised for forgetting (don't do this again, ever) and Suggested there was plenty of cereal for breakfast, wraps to take for lunch etc. Met with meltdown, that's not what I want for breakfast, you don't understand how hard it is to be driving all day. You can get lunch when you want etc etc. He knows I really don't like it when he loses his temper and shouts aggressively. (That's why he does it, rinse and repeat the line about behaviour) He totally over reacts at the slightest thing, whereas he could just have easily responded with,ok, I'll just pop and grab a loaf while you put kids to bed. I never know what reaction I'll get. Anyway, he then stormed off to bed, I asked him if he was watching broad church with me. (Don't chase him, he stormed off - enjoy broad church in peace) He said no and went to bed. Went to work before I got up, I always text a good morning (stop doing this, do the opposite to what he's expecting there) , which I did, he didn't reply. I text him later on asking if he was ignoring me, (same again) just got a no. He has since come home, not telling me how late he would be. Seen the dinner I have saved for him, turned his nose up, is that all I get after working all day. Cold pasta bake. (Answer yes it is, if you'd like it warmed up the microwave is over there then say no more) Obviously I would have heated it up for him! (I wouldn't have) He's now gone out to get himself something proper to eat (a kebab! The knobhead) . I know that he is trying to break me down to beg forgiveness for daring to forget bread, and serve such a shoddy meal, help me to not buckle when he gets home!

How do you think he'd react if you started doing this?

Original poster
Feelingoverit · 12/04/2017 08:30

Thank you all, I know you speak wise words and I know I can't change him, just how I respond.

I know.... I did chuckle to myself that his 'proper dinner' was a kebab! He has gone to work again now. He has sent me a shitty text saying I have no respect for his job and how hard it is, and that me being off all day then suggesting he gets his own bread is hard to take. I've told him to grow up and apologise for over reacting. In the past I have tried suggesting he consider how he would feel if I started acting like that, or if our daughter married a man who treated her like this.... he doesn't respond. I know it bothers him, that he can't deal with his emotions or have an adult conversation. He just needs to get over it now!

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 08:38

I'm glad you told him that! Keep that strong, assertive stance and draw those boundaries to keep yourself emotionally safe.

So, what's his background? He behaves like this for a reason. Sounds like suppressed anger to me. He needs counselling.

Note that when you text to see if he's ignoring you, he DOES respond. He's emotionally pushing you away but not too far....far enough for him but so he call pull you back in whenever he wants.

He will get shitty now you assert yourself but stick at it. Show him you will not tolerate his behaviour.

Ecclesiastes · 12/04/2017 08:49

One thing leapt out at me, OP - you say your children 'adore' him.

All children 'adore' their parents - at least at first. Your DC have just learned very young how to placate this moody, stroppy, demanding, childish, abusive, shouty dad they've been saddled with. They have no other defenses but to do what daddy wants, and smile and laugh to try to make daddy happy. They can't play mind games, or fight back, or assert themselves - at least not yet.

That's not 'adoration' - that's 'self preservation'. Don't be fooled - he's abusing all of you and your DC will be damaged by it.

PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 09:03

I agree, it is abuse and does need to be addressed and dealt with.

Be careful when you assert to make changes he may go with it then as soon as he thinks he's drawn you back in, he will do it again. You must, must stick to those boundaries and never waiver. He's got to understand you mean it.

He needs to look inwardly at why he's doing it, all he's doing right now is using you as an outlet for these emotions. He will lose you if it doesn't stop.

Secretlife0fbees · 12/04/2017 09:13

I think you're flogging a dead horse here in all honesty. This next bit should be about you - start empowering yourself - you don't have to do anything drastic just yet, just try and shift your priorities into working out how practically it will work if you split - speak to professionals (ring women's aid and I promise you you will feel stronger). I saw a solicitor in secret 3 months before I ended it, I wanted to know where I would stand. Make this next part about you and how you're gonna give your kids the life you aimed for. Stop pandering to him, it won't help you at all it'll just encourage him to mistreat you even more. Flowers

notmywords · 12/04/2017 09:17

I am in exactly the same situation. DH seems to sabotage every joyful situation - he seems to go looking for something to criticise or spoil.

He complains constantly about "things not being done" without ever actually doing them himself. When eventually he does do something he becomes hostile because "he has to do everything around here"

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of chivvying everyone along, I'm tired of constantly feeling resented and unsupported. I'm tired of having to prove myself.

I do love him and I want it to work but I deserve better. I've tried desperately to make him see what he's doing but he doesn't seem to notice or care. It's all about him.

I think I need to leave. Not immediately, but he is never going to change and I have absolutely no optimism about a future with him.

How do I go about doing that? There is no way he will ever leave the house voluntarily and I can't afford to rent.

I need a plan.

PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 09:34

Words. Is your house jointly owned?

notmywords · 12/04/2017 09:51

Yes it is.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 10:00

Wow - I know it's hard but all please look to yourselves.
Try to understand why you are putting up with this.
Why you are allowing your DC to be put in this horrible atmosphere.
Make plans to get away. All of you going through this.
No amount of abuse is acceptable - EVER!!!
Womens Aid can help you - 0808 2000 247
Please don't let this vile abusers keep getting away with all of this.
It's not for your DC!!! It's damaging them.
So why are you staying? - understand that and you might come closer to leaving.

notmywords · 12/04/2017 10:14

I don't want my marriage to fail.

I don't want to admit I've wasted my entire adult life.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 10:16

And that is exactly what they are banking on.
YOU thinking YOU'VE failed.
That's how they've conditioned you.
When you haven't at all.
You will have failed yourself and your DC if you let yourself and them live this awful half life of abusive shite!

Original poster
Feelingoverit · 12/04/2017 10:16

I don't want to be apart from my children so many days a month, I don't want to rock their world and take away everything that makes them feel safe. 😔

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 10:35

These ladies have to be ready to leave (be good to prepare themselves though) These men must take professional help to have any chance of changing and be willing to change, not just go through the motions. It really is the only way, if there is one. Some will never change even after that.

It's a long, tough road and if you don't want to do it then don't. The best for your children is for your husbands to get help or for you to remove them from the situation. Staying really isn't the best for them if it's always going to be like this.

Flowers
notmywords · 12/04/2017 11:54

It's not that simple though is it, otherwise no one would ever get into these situations in the first place.

I feel like I'm permanently pushing a boulder up a hill, I'm so tired.

I can't imagine ever having the energy to leave.

How does it work?

Will we have to live together until we sell the house?

And ultimately, I want it to work, I want to be happily married. Giving up on that is a massively big step I don't know that I'll ever be able to take.

It's the constant feeling that if only I tried harder, or tried a different approach.

Meanwhile, he's not trying anything at all.

notmywords · 12/04/2017 11:56

Feeling over it Flowers

I know exactly what you mean. I couldn't bear it.

Also, it's ludicrous that about arguments are over expecting him to do too much.

He'll have to do a hell of a lot more as a single Dad.

notmywords · 12/04/2017 11:57

And I'd have an awful lot less to do.

More free time, less washing, less cooking etc.

PollytheDolly · 12/04/2017 13:28

It's the constant feeling that if only I tried harder, or tried a different approach.

It's not you, it's him. Honestly, there's nothing you can do (other than protect yourself emotionally within the relationship) whilst he gets help. If he won't then....

And I'm sure you've driven yourself into the ground trying Flowers

Secretlife0fbees · 12/04/2017 13:52

I totally understand this too. I spent 21 years trying to make my relationship/marriage work and I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER fully comprehend his behaviour/motives in all this. My dh had it all (from what I could see) a devoted wife with a better job than him which allowed him to reduce hours, a great house and friends, 2 fab kids - we could have been so happy and it is sooooo frustrating when you try and try but I gave up trying and realised that stbxh is just an abusive bastard. It's that simple really and no more time will be wasted by me trying to figure it out any further. Nothing ever made him happy.