Weary of new relationship. Are these early warnings??

[midnightswirls]

I commented on another post but felt bad jump on the post so thought I'd do one. It was a post about how long until abusive partners show that side of them. Was interesting as I'm 4 months Into a new relationship. In my past I was with a very emotionally and mentally abusive partner ( who'd my LB dad). It's only recently I've started to question this new relationship but I'm not sure if I'm very sensitive due to my past. Anyway here are a few examples, they are all fairly subtle or small. 1) I'll talk about friends and he will say in a joking way "you don't have any friends" 2) when he's driving he likes my hand on his lap. If I move it he takes it and puts it back. He doesn't do it so much now I've said I'll put my hand there when I want to. 3) recently started a company and we were looking at plaques one said about being the boss and I said you think that about everything do you and he said yes. 4) sometimes he will make comments in a jokey way say "well a man must have said that as he's right" 5) he's recently started to get a bit argumentative or defensive if I don't agree with him. He knows about my past and he said his dad used to emotionally abuse his mum and him. Badly enough his school got involved. So obviously I'm worried about family patterns too. I'm his first serious gf. On the flip side he can be very empathic when I'm upset, compliments me a lot, says he's lucky to have me, we have a lot in common. What would people's views be?

Red flags all over the place. A man from an abusive home targets a woman surviving a previously abusive relationship showing all the signs of being controlling and abusive. Get out now.

Definitely early warning red flags.

Well done on your spidey senses tingling early OP.

This guy is no good.

Trust your gut, OP, it's clearly telling you something. He sounds like a dick tbh. Run for the hills!

No. 1, pretty dislikeable in a 7yr old. Coming from an adult, I'm not sticking around for any other numbers. This alone is enough for me.

ginger I didn't see the kissing as controlling behaviour just irritating but now you've put it that way I see it now. So odd to see how his behaviour has changed as at the beginning he always say hope beautiful I was and would never of dreamed of saying those things. But by the other thread it's only a matter of time before the mask begins to drop!! Yes les you're right. I've had my fair share of arses and the most cocky always seems to be the most insecure. He is extremely cocky and it's getting worse. I guess so fox it only ramped up when I told him about my past and I guess he saw that as his perfect opportunity. It's odd because he isn't like "I don't want you to go here" or making me feel guilty for not seeing him. Something you could clearly see, clever how he is so subtle and then makes me question if it's abuse.

The only thing I would add is that "4 months in" is barely a relationship.

Its really still you finding out about him - and whether he's actually worthy of moving to the next stage of having a relationship with you! Think of it as the man auditioning for the role of MidnightSwirls boyfriend! He should be taking you out, you should be having fun, and only when you know he is emotionally involved with you, take it further emotionally and sexually. Otherwise the danger is you get caught up in all these pseudo-relationships where the man is completely unsuitable or you are just the fall-back girl. You can waste years of your life doing this, and not giving space to meeting someone who might really be suitable for you!

So many women on MN Relationships seem to want to rush into a relationship with a new man, they're sleeping with them within a couple of months or even weeks, hanging out, and so on, and when they start to question whether this man is actually right for them, its already complicated and hard to stand back from!

I can only say this because I've made these mistakes. I hope you learn quicker than I did.

hidingeyes thanks. Yes I also feel even after 4 months he's stopped trying. I said to him you're very comfortable around me aren't you and he said yes. Eg. Doesn't try as hard with appearance, doesn't take me out that kind of thing. He seems a bit obsessed too like he said I love you very early on and I was taken back a bit and also said he's gonna marry me and told his friends that too. Stupidly because my confidence is at an all time low I thought it was nice then and now I just think it's too much

Your instinct is working for you, however you are yet used to trusting your instincts.

I think this is the lesson to learn as often we dont react until the abuse is pretty significant.

So, maybe next time, don't be so quick to commit to "a relationship"? Keep it light till you're sure. Always check actual reality with fantasy (hard for us Romantics I know). Any red flags or basic incompatibilities nearly always appear early on, before you're "in". I also think as a woman, any sexual activity bar kissing is apt to get those bonding hormones racing (for men notsomuch) so practising self-control and holding back can really help you stay grounded and also helps make it clearer whether he is genuinely interested in you or just accepting whats available!

Most of all its always important to focus on your life, making it better, more interesting, and more full. Being single and enjoying life is so much better than being stuck with some God-awful bloke!!

This is just what I've come to think, and I've given it alot of thought recently ... if it helps good .

I agree, step away. Whether on purpose or accidental, he does not have any clue to personal boundaries, social boundaries, emotional boundaries or physical boundaries. It is not up to you to fix him for his past struggles, or to train him to be socially functional.

HidingEyes has given excellent advice, as well as Ginger.

One thing I will add is, as you move forward, please consider not divulging your past experience of abuse. On one hand, it is asking for special consideration that tilts the relationship boundaries/expectations in a way that may produce awkwardness-hyper-sensitivity in the other person to not offend (not quite walking on eggshells but akin to it) (imho). On the other hand, it is saying here is my weak spot, and that may and probably will be used against you. If one who has experienced abuse to the extent that you feel compelled to tell a prospective partner, then, imho, that person is not ready to be in another relationship. That may be harsh, but ultimately safe.

You do not need to tell a prospective, or established for that matter, partner everything.

he said I love you very early on and I was taken back a bit and also said he's gonna marry me

@midnightswirls read up on love bombing. I think this is what this man is doing.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Well done for spotting a wrong 'in early on!

hermonie very true I have always ignored them before. I won't now though. Thanks hidingeyes that is good advice. andtheband I don't think I will from now on. I spoke to my keyworker and she said that would have been the perfect time for him to "pounce" as he knows your vulnerable. She said it happens a lot. Silly me. Thanks emma I think your right

Oh and last night we had my birthday meal which was booked in advance. He was all lovely in front of my family. Got home and I think he was in a mood because I wouldn't "sleep" with him. So he started an arguement and said I've been acting a dick!! I was fuming. I said yes I'm stressed because I'm moving house and have to do most of it alone. So yes I have been but there's no need to call me a dick! Thank God he's now working away and I'm now moving into my new place. PERFECT time to kick his arse to the kerb!!!

So glad to read you're getting out of this! I think you might be dating my ex!!!
I had a shiver reading some of these things, just wish I'd Got out after 4 months not 5 years!! Go you!!!!

Ah the sound of the scales falling from your eyes OP! I have been where you are. Wish I had MN back then as when it's all pointed out in a clear and unemotional way it's shocking in it's own right isn't it?. New home, new start. Having read so many threads on here it brought it home to me how abusive my ex was as he was careful to cloak it all so it looked normal and I thought I was the bonkers one. Well done for seeing the light. Your own mental and physical health is preserved if you stay away from the twat.

The hand on the lap gives me the creeps. Do you drive, op? I never trust men that think they should always drive.

I think the thing is OP regardless of whther you think he is controlling or abusive you are not happy in your relationship... so for that reason you need to end it. Please don't think anymore into this if you don't want to.

I'm with PhoenixJasmine and LesisMiiserable - he's insecure, repeating behaviours that he may well have suffered, and doesn't have a clear sense of boundaries.
He would need to be ashamed of these things and want to change them, but it doesn't sound like it.

operaha really?? So definitely warning signs then!! Glad your away from it now. Yes definitely thetabard as I was writing it all down from my head I thought this isn't normal behaviour. So glad I have MN to help 😊. I do drive banana he actually doesn't always insist but yea I don't like the way he drives. Yes agreed confused dadist

Just told my mum everything I've written here and a few other examples and things. She was first surprised as she said how lovely he was last night but agreed with me that those behaviours aren't write. What she said next worries me a bit as I already had this thought. She said be careful he doesn't turn to stalking as he seems quite besotted with you being his first proper gf. Her advice was to back away slowly so it wasn't a shock to him and ending it very badly. What do others think. Stupidly he knows where my new home is.

I think you could end it in a simple but pleasant way ... a very short explanation in a short call ... you're sorry but you're not ready for a relationship and/or you don't think this is working for you ... you can still be very firm about it. If he wants to be friends say no, you really want to end it. Don't respond to any attempt to contact you further once you have made it clear. A bit later on I would change my mobile number.

I think it can be all too easy to jump from the frying pan into the fire, because we want to prove that not all men are *** and we are capable of having a loving relationship. But I am sure you have learned your lesson this time and will take it slower next time ... wait for everything ... sex ... meeting family ... sharing confidences (as people have pointed out) ... and so forth.

btw, have you heard of extreme self care? Its worth looking into as one way of really looking after yourself as you deserve.

He's testing you.

He knows about your previous abuse and is testing you to see how much you will take.

I just tell him to fk off and carry on talking. He's done it quite a few times

It's good you stood up for yourself, but actions are even better than words.

The fact you say he's done it a few times proves that he won't take a telling from you.

Agree with pps - get rid!

I don't see how you back away slowly from someone who's so full on. If anything that could seen as encouraging him to 'chase' you, when what you want is for him to sod off.

By all means let him down gently if you can, but I think it needs to be swift and definitive.

I agree with tribpot .
This is a good circumstance to say "it isn't you, it's me" (even though it is quite the opposite). And that is your final answer. No "maybe" about it. No "try again" in a few months. No let's be friends. None of those things will work for you.

This is not a taper off and fade away guy because your examples display his definite controlling tactics. The manipulations (insidious/hidden threats along with it perhaps) will be more full on if he feels you slipping away.

He may even jump to threats of suicide if you leave him. That would be a bluff-do not believe it-however, call emergency services on him to help him. This wouldn't really be "just in case" but so as to discourage him from pulling that emotional blackmail (also emotional abuse) stunt again.
Good luck.