Weary of new relationship. Are these early warnings??

[midnightswirls]

I commented on another post but felt bad jump on the post so thought I'd do one. It was a post about how long until abusive partners show that side of them. Was interesting as I'm 4 months Into a new relationship. In my past I was with a very emotionally and mentally abusive partner ( who'd my LB dad). It's only recently I've started to question this new relationship but I'm not sure if I'm very sensitive due to my past. Anyway here are a few examples, they are all fairly subtle or small. 1) I'll talk about friends and he will say in a joking way "you don't have any friends" 2) when he's driving he likes my hand on his lap. If I move it he takes it and puts it back. He doesn't do it so much now I've said I'll put my hand there when I want to. 3) recently started a company and we were looking at plaques one said about being the boss and I said you think that about everything do you and he said yes. 4) sometimes he will make comments in a jokey way say "well a man must have said that as he's right" 5) he's recently started to get a bit argumentative or defensive if I don't agree with him. He knows about my past and he said his dad used to emotionally abuse his mum and him. Badly enough his school got involved. So obviously I'm worried about family patterns too. I'm his first serious gf. On the flip side he can be very empathic when I'm upset, compliments me a lot, says he's lucky to have me, we have a lot in common. What would people's views be?

[Shayelle]

Hiding you are extremely wise. Fantastic advice from you!!

[kathkim]

Hiding You acted smart!

[HidingEyes]

I went out with someone with a personality disorder, it was mercifully short though, thanks to the internet really. When I finished it, I made out like BandPlayedOn said, that it was my issues which meant we were breaking up! He once implied that I was an emotional mess, so that fitted in with his worldview of me and left his pride in tact I guess! To this day that pisses me off (!) but at the time I felt very vulnerable indeed, I really didn't know what he was capable of, and so thought that was the best way. Some weeks later when things were settled (not straight away, again I didn't want to inflame things) I changed my mobile number, so there was no way for him to contact me in the future as well. He is totally off my radar TG.

There is no reason to be alone with him ever again Midnight or even to see him at all. Best done on the phone IMO.

[Lelloteddy]

Don't overthink how he may or may not choose to react.
End things quickly and decisively.

[forcryinoutloud]

You sound like you have done well up to now in standing up to him but you need to nip all this stuff in the bud. I would tell yourself this

1. If he puts your hand where he wants it, take it off, make him see that YOU decide.
   
2. If he jokes about friends/lack of, tell him this isn't a very nice thing to say, as a joke or otherwise, ask him to not do it.
   
3. Jokes about chins? WTF? Respond as in No 3
   
4. Looking at your phone. No. Tell him it's disrespect.
   
5. Kissing you whilst you talk. No. Bad manners. Ask him not to and to give you the respect of listening.
   
   If he doesn't hear you and seem able to change I think you would do well to get rid rather than carry on feeling 'wary' it's not a good start to a relationship. All the best.

[midnightswirls]

hiding agreed! I definetly want to be on my own now! My new place will keep me busy. No I haven't but will look it up. Thank you for the advice andtheband my ex used to threaten suicide so I've learnt that is a tactic. But yea this time round I'd call them to stop him doing it in future. Don't be alone with him? You think by what I've said he could turn nasty?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Don't be alone with him again.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I agree with tribpot .
This is a good circumstance to say "it isn't you, it's me" (even though it is quite the opposite). And that is your final answer. No "maybe" about it. No "try again" in a few months. No let's be friends. None of those things will work for you.

This is not a taper off and fade away guy because your examples display his definite controlling tactics. The manipulations (insidious/hidden threats along with it perhaps) will be more full on if he feels you slipping away.

He may even jump to threats of suicide if you leave him. That would be a bluff-do not believe it-however, call emergency services on him to help him. This wouldn't really be "just in case" but so as to discourage him from pulling that emotional blackmail (also emotional abuse) stunt again.
Good luck.

[tribpot]

I don't see how you back away slowly from someone who's so full on. If anything that could seen as encouraging him to 'chase' you, when what you want is for him to sod off.

By all means let him down gently if you can, but I think it needs to be swift and definitive.

[kathkim]

He's testing you.

He knows about your previous abuse and is testing you to see how much you will take.

I just tell him to fk off and carry on talking. He's done it quite a few times

It's good you stood up for yourself, but actions are even better than words.

The fact you say he's done it a few times proves that he won't take a telling from you.

Agree with pps - get rid!

[HidingEyes]

I think you could end it in a simple but pleasant way ... a very short explanation in a short call ... you're sorry but you're not ready for a relationship and/or you don't think this is working for you ... you can still be very firm about it. If he wants to be friends say no, you really want to end it. Don't respond to any attempt to contact you further once you have made it clear. A bit later on I would change my mobile number.

I think it can be all too easy to jump from the frying pan into the fire, because we want to prove that not all men are *** and we are capable of having a loving relationship. But I am sure you have learned your lesson this time and will take it slower next time ... wait for everything ... sex ... meeting family ... sharing confidences (as people have pointed out) ... and so forth.

btw, have you heard of extreme self care? Its worth looking into as one way of really looking after yourself as you deserve.

[midnightswirls]

Just told my mum everything I've written here and a few other examples and things. She was first surprised as she said how lovely he was last night but agreed with me that those behaviours aren't write. What she said next worries me a bit as I already had this thought. She said be careful he doesn't turn to stalking as he seems quite besotted with you being his first proper gf. Her advice was to back away slowly so it wasn't a shock to him and ending it very badly. What do others think. Stupidly he knows where my new home is.

[midnightswirls]

operaha really?? So definitely warning signs then!! Glad your away from it now. Yes definitely thetabard as I was writing it all down from my head I thought this isn't normal behaviour. So glad I have MN to help 😊. I do drive banana he actually doesn't always insist but yea I don't like the way he drives. Yes agreed confused dadist

[Dadaist]

I'm with PhoenixJasmine and LesisMiiserable - he's insecure, repeating behaviours that he may well have suffered, and doesn't have a clear sense of boundaries.
He would need to be ashamed of these things and want to change them, but it doesn't sound like it.

[confusedat23]

I think the thing is OP regardless of whther you think he is controlling or abusive you are not happy in your relationship... so for that reason you need to end it. Please don't think anymore into this if you don't want to.

[Bananamanfan]

The hand on the lap gives me the creeps. Do you drive, op? I never trust men that think they should always drive.

[TheTabardOfDoom]

Ah the sound of the scales falling from your eyes OP! I have been where you are. Wish I had MN back then as when it's all pointed out in a clear and unemotional way it's shocking in it's own right isn't it?. New home, new start. Having read so many threads on here it brought it home to me how abusive my ex was as he was careful to cloak it all so it looked normal and I thought I was the bonkers one. Well done for seeing the light. Your own mental and physical health is preserved if you stay away from the twat.

[operaha]

So glad to read you're getting out of this! I think you might be dating my ex!!!
I had a shiver reading some of these things, just wish I'd Got out after 4 months not 5 years!! Go you!!!!

[midnightswirls]

Oh and last night we had my birthday meal which was booked in advance. He was all lovely in front of my family. Got home and I think he was in a mood because I wouldn't "sleep" with him. So he started an arguement and said I've been acting a dick!! I was fuming. I said yes I'm stressed because I'm moving house and have to do most of it alone. So yes I have been but there's no need to call me a dick! Thank God he's now working away and I'm now moving into my new place. PERFECT time to kick his arse to the kerb!!!

[midnightswirls]

hermonie very true I have always ignored them before. I won't now though. Thanks hidingeyes that is good advice. andtheband I don't think I will from now on. I spoke to my keyworker and she said that would have been the perfect time for him to "pounce" as he knows your vulnerable. She said it happens a lot. Silly me. Thanks emma I think your right

[Emmageddon]

he said I love you very early on and I was taken back a bit and also said he's gonna marry me

@midnightswirls read up on love bombing. I think this is what this man is doing.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Well done for spotting a wrong 'in early on!

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I agree, step away. Whether on purpose or accidental, he does not have any clue to personal boundaries, social boundaries, emotional boundaries or physical boundaries. It is not up to you to fix him for his past struggles, or to train him to be socially functional.

HidingEyes has given excellent advice, as well as Ginger.

One thing I will add is, as you move forward, please consider not divulging your past experience of abuse. On one hand, it is asking for special consideration that tilts the relationship boundaries/expectations in a way that may produce awkwardness-hyper-sensitivity in the other person to not offend (not quite walking on eggshells but akin to it) (imho). On the other hand, it is saying here is my weak spot, and that may and probably will be used against you. If one who has experienced abuse to the extent that you feel compelled to tell a prospective partner, then, imho, that person is not ready to be in another relationship. That may be harsh, but ultimately safe.

You do not need to tell a prospective, or established for that matter, partner everything.

[HidingEyes]

So, maybe next time, don't be so quick to commit to "a relationship"? Keep it light till you're sure. Always check actual reality with fantasy (hard for us Romantics I know). Any red flags or basic incompatibilities nearly always appear early on, before you're "in". I also think as a woman, any sexual activity bar kissing is apt to get those bonding hormones racing (for men notsomuch) so practising self-control and holding back can really help you stay grounded and also helps make it clearer whether he is genuinely interested in you or just accepting whats available!

Most of all its always important to focus on your life, making it better, more interesting, and more full. Being single and enjoying life is so much better than being stuck with some God-awful bloke!!

This is just what I've come to think, and I've given it alot of thought recently ... if it helps good .

[Hermonie2016]

Your instinct is working for you, however you are yet used to trusting your instincts.

I think this is the lesson to learn as often we dont react until the abuse is pretty significant.