Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can somebody help me. Possessive ex with dd

53 replies

Teepish · 09/04/2017 20:50

I'm sat in tears because I feel like he is going to take my daughter away from me.

He sees dd5 3 days a week including having her overnight twice but always tells me he doesn't have her enough.

He has booked tickets for a film with her early afternoon next week because as he normally picks her up from school that day, he assumed he would collect her from my house the same time. I previously told him that I would be off work that day and would have appreciated a having her til something like 5pm.

He wants her for the majority of the week after and is taking her all over the place, leaving me with a couple of days with her. He was telling me this on my doorstep and to make it worse dd is repeating "I want to stay with daddy". He is always very smug about this. I asked him why he is happy taking my time with her away, he says he never gets enough. I told him I feel like I don't see her enough either but that we are supposed to discuss arrangements, not book tickets first and explain later

Normally you hear about exes not seeing the kids enough but he wants to just always have her and showers her with toys/clothes/trips out.

We split because he was a liar and a cheat, he is still with OW. He made me feel worthless, and continues to. Now, my own dd makes me feel like I'm just not good enough.

What the hell do I do, its like he is taking over my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 20:52

Just to add, not received any child maintenance because he argues they want him to pay too much, and its my fault I don't get any because I wouldn't accept less than half of what they calculated. He cannot be trusted with anything so I left it to the CSA to sort out.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 09/04/2017 20:53

Is this a court agreed arrangement?

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 20:55

No, not court. My solicitor wrote up an a arrangement which he agreed to, but during times like school holidays I have allowed a bit of give and take. Only its increasingly becoming "take", and I feel powerless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 20:57

He has also told me that he is likely to be changing jobs soon, 9-5 all week so he says a new arrangement will have to take place, as he won't have time to see her much during the week. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Biddylee · 09/04/2017 21:00

My daughter is 5 and it can be swings and roundabouts about who is her favourite - she totally loves her dad because he does all the fun stuff but I am the safe place. She still tells me quite often that she doesn't like me or she doesn't love me and that hurts because I am the one who has done much of the childcare and made sure things are good for her. But she is too little to understand that.

Try and put your foot down about arrangements. Plan in advance as much as possible and ask him to stick to it.

And asides from this, work on your own sense of self worth - take care of yourself.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:04

Dd has spent one day with him then cones hone in tears bereft that she has to leave him. He just wasn't this intense with her when we were together, if anything I was always encouraging him to be more interested in her

Now, I am just not good enough for dd. She always tells me daddy is better because of this that and the other - stuff like, "he carries me a lot" or, "we go to McDonald's more" and I feel ridiculous feeling so torn apart when hearing these things but he does actively want to be the Favourite Parent, I'm so sad

OP posts:
Littlefish · 09/04/2017 21:04

What would happen if you said no to him taking her more often?

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:06

Biddy does her dad always blame you for anything that goes wrong or claim he is the victim of your selfish actions, that sort of thing? Its that, that's another battle on top. For months now I've struggled along but its taking its toll and I've cried in front of dd tonight. I have no idea if she knows why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:08

Littlefish he would batter me with the "preventing access" dialogue the same way he does now, just worse. Plus I would feel bad for dd.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 09/04/2017 21:10

How recent is the split?

I would let it sit until his new work arrangements start. If he's working 9-5 presumably it would be harder for him to have her during the week (and equally would not be fair for him to have every single weekend while you do the hard work during the week).

Littlefish · 09/04/2017 21:11

But you're not preventing access. You are simply sticking to pre-arranged sessions.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:14

We split last July Vim. It hasn't ever been easy, he does not want to me to have the "upper hand", as he sees it, so often ignores me when I ask to have her back at a specific time, eg the planned time for when she has school next day, 6.30. Increasingly so he accidentally on purpose brings her back after 7 due to various setbacks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:18

He mentioned arranging to have her every other weekend when he changes jobs. This would now mean him taking her to her dance class which selfishly, I enjoyed having to myself with her. He actually accused me of just wanting to "ship her off" to this class as a means of dumping her somewhere, but suddenly he wants to be a part of it.

I am now actually wondering if the OW has left the scene and that is why the ownership of dd seems to have ramped up.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 21:21

OP the CMA don't want him to "pay too much", it's the legal minimum. Put in the claim tomorrow, and remember its money for your DD, not you, so no need to feel guilty.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:26

Lottie I started the claim last September, he ignored them so Collect and Pay is now being arranged. I told him, its not me you are giving money to - its for your daughter . He told me I just want to fleece him.

He is impossible. I feel like a am shouting into a black hole when I try to get through to him. But of course, he knows this and ignores me on purpose.

OP posts:
Biddylee · 09/04/2017 21:32

Teep

My ex has made me cry in front of my daughter. He doesn't blame me for stuff though likes to make out he's a victim and makes quite a lot of passive aggressive statements at me. He doesn't always bring her back on time and if I ask him not to do something (like take her on the bumper cars) he'll go ahead and do it anyway because he doesn't see a problem.

I remember a happily married friend of mine telling me how devastated she was with her daughter totally doting on the dad and telling her she hated her. Kids can be unintentionally cruel.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:38

Oh Biddy. A happy person could not be bothered to cause trouble or stress to their child's parent could they? They aren't truly happy men, surely? Well that's what I tell myself

Has it made you stronger? Do you think your dd will see through him at any point?

OP posts:
Fanciedachange17 · 09/04/2017 21:40

So you have DD 4 days every week and 5 nights? This arrangement will be changing to EO Weekend and possibly one overnight in the week? Which is fairly standard.
He is doing the classic Disney Dad and your DD is lapping it up, of course she is, especially if he didn't pay much attention to her before.

I don't really have words to comfort you and I do understand how shit it makes you feel. Things will calm down, it's been less than a year. Hang in there.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 21:49

Well he picks her up from school twice a week and has her for a day on the weekend, she sleeps over twice a week during this time. I honestly thought it was fine, even then though I do miss her sometimes. But that cannot be helped, its par for the course

Well Fancied I'm guessing that will be how it should go, for fairness to all. I will have to make it official somehow with a solicitor again. He ripped up the last solicitors letter regarding our current arrangement after I asked him to pick her up an hour later one afternoon as we were still out somewhere.

I just want him to cut out the obsessiveness and back off, dd loves him, he does not need to syphon more and more of her time away from me to keep her love.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 22:44

I'm just sick of this man dominating my life.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 09/04/2017 23:03

I find myself wondering what would happen if you gave him all the rope he wants whilst you got yourself a life during the time you didn't have DD...

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 23:05

Since he left, I began to carve myself out a decent life, totally started from scratch. New job, new hobbies.

Do you think I am getting unnecessarily upset about all this? I do often wonder this.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 09/04/2017 23:15

Maybe, maybe not. Only you can really assess that. However, if he really was an uninvolved dad who turned into Disney Dad once you were no longer in a relationship I would consider the possibility that this is about control via a minor on his part.

Original poster
Teepish · 09/04/2017 23:23

It all feels controlled, controlled to death. There's no room for manouvre with him, it's stifling.

I need to change how I respond to it, its the only course of action left.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/04/2017 11:05

OP there is a great running support thread on here titled Coparenting with a Narc Ex or similar, sounds like you could get some great support there.

He does sound selfish and controlling.

The best way to cope is not to show your emotions - all of them - anger, sadness, frustration etc. Guys like him just feed off them.

When he can't get a response from you (it's all attention seeking) it should die down a little bit.

If the contact does change to EOW try and take a positive spin. You still get to take her to some dance classes, and finally she will see her father paying her attention (for as long as it lasts).

I use my EOW (known as my "entitlement to time off" by my STBEXH Hmm) to get myself in order...deep clean, big shop, fill the freezer etc, then I have the following weekend fairly free to spend with DS. I also visit friends, go out occasionally, and it's how I met my partner and started a new chapter in my life.

It's hard not to take the bait but it does make things worse if you do.

If you are unhappy your DD will feel that, and then of course the Disney clown will be the happier option. He could also be filling her with guilt and sadness as lonely daddy, my ex tried this.

DD will see through it eventually, but a lot of it is about biting your tongue and trying to move forward. Give positive but firm responses:

DD - Dad always takes me to McDonald's

You - it's a lovely treat to do that with dad. But it's not healthy everyday. I have to make sure you grow up big and strong, for that you need etc etc

Exhausting but keep strong Op. Flowers