Can somebody help me. Possessive ex with dd

[Teepish]

I'm sat in tears because I feel like he is going to take my daughter away from me.

He sees dd5 3 days a week including having her overnight twice but always tells me he doesn't have her enough.

He has booked tickets for a film with her early afternoon next week because as he normally picks her up from school that day, he assumed he would collect her from my house the same time. I previously told him that I would be off work that day and would have appreciated a having her til something like 5pm.

He wants her for the majority of the week after and is taking her all over the place, leaving me with a couple of days with her. He was telling me this on my doorstep and to make it worse dd is repeating "I want to stay with daddy". He is always very smug about this. I asked him why he is happy taking my time with her away, he says he never gets enough. I told him I feel like I don't see her enough either but that we are supposed to discuss arrangements, not book tickets first and explain later

Normally you hear about exes not seeing the kids enough but he wants to just always have her and showers her with toys/clothes/trips out.

We split because he was a liar and a cheat, he is still with OW. He made me feel worthless, and continues to. Now, my own dd makes me feel like I'm just not good enough.

What the hell do I do, its like he is taking over my life.

Hello lemonpledge, thank you.

I've seen that thread, have read through it before a while ago. I feel quite embarrassed now as I was quite hysterical yesterday....I woke up this morning and realised I had blown this out of proportion.

I believe I don't have enough else in my life right now to get me out of my head and give me more perspective. Plus, I'm still not out of that FOG these kind of men put you in - I'm still not quite convinced that I didn't deserve his hideous behaviour last year and since.

Dd is getting bigger and cheekier and she can be very mean and quite hurtful sometimes. I see this and grieve for the smaller, "simpler" child that she was even just a year ago. I worry that she will grow up and treat me with the same contempt as her father.

I'm having a very emotional few days.

If it was me personally I would be the presence as opposed to the presents in your LO's life. Plenty of picnics, trips to the park, craft play, stories at bedtime, swimming, walks, time together just the two of you. Create a warm and healthy home, where she feels loved and safe.

As for myself I would have me time when she is with ex. Pampering's, dating, nights out with friends, socialise, network etc.
The OW will have something to say soon as well, if she is feeling neglected compared to LO.

Play the long game. In a year's time it will be different. I'll put money on it. Do however get your legal standing sorted. Financially and otherwise. Be strong. Playing a Disney dad takes its toll.

OP, why are you passively allowing him to call the shots in your life?
He's damaging your relationship with your dd and you're letting him.
GET ANGRY! Stop taking his shit. It really can be as simple as that.

He's not interested in his relationship with his dd - he's only interested in using her as a weapon against YOU.
That's why he suddenly changed his tune and started 'love bombing' dd with attention, gifts,days out etc. Manipulating her - because we all know how impressionable kids are at that age.

If you don't find the will power and energy to deal with him then he's going to be like this forever - or until he gets bored and drops your dd like a hot potatoe.

If you were my friend this is what i'd advise -

1. Ring CMS and make an application for maintenance. They will deduct it from his wages at a rate comparable to his earnings (so he can afford it).

There will be a fee charged for this service but it's worth it in the long run. He doesn't have a 'choice' in this so he can get over that delusion.

1. Stick to the court arranged/ordered contact like a drill sergeant on parade. If he wants more access then HE applies to court for it.

Do NOT give him more....you're basically rewarding his disgusting behaviour and giving him more opportunity to mind-fuck your dd. (Personally, for each late drop off i would 'recoup' that time by knocking it off his next contact)

1. Keep all your communication impersonal, to the point and brief -via email (preferably) or text.

This gives you a written record of his attitude, abuse, obstruction re drop off times etc in case you ever need to provide evidence. It means you don't have to talk to him or listen to his shit, just do the handovers on the doorstep and shut the door.

1. Get some legal advice - if he has PR then he could easily refuse to hand your dd back after his contact time with her. At the moment he can/threaten to do this anytime you stand up to him & there will be bugger all the police can do to get her back.

I think you're letting this fear paralyze you into the status quo. You can get a court order which would force him to return your dd back to you if he ever pulled a stunt like that....but it's easier to do this NOW. If you leave it until after the fact then it makes things harder.

FIGHT for your dd, OP. Don't allow yourself to be bullied and terrorised by him.

i forgot to add - increasing his access/contact with dd means he can legally reduce the amount of maintenance he's expected to pay.
If he gets 50/50 access then he legally doesn't need to pay a penny to you in maintenance.

Hello noego, that's very much my parenting style. I really don't feel there's a need to do/be much more, and I do believe it's worth far more in the long run, but I've been so insecure about it of late.

Hello Couldn't, CMS Collect and Pay is very much in progress after months of nonsense.
His access isn't court ordered, it was planned between us and "confirmed" by a letter from my solicitor. I've allowed more give and take (more so been TAKE) during school holidays and the like. He has pushed and pushed to have dd on the odd night that she has with me, and I have declined and declined week after week. He can be relentless. After this Easter fortnight, I am stamping down on this flexibility and will get advice from my solicitor if he continues to cause problems.
As for chatting on the doorstep - I need that to stop. I've let myself be dragged into black holes of hopeless discussions and in the one who loses out. I send very straightforward direct texts generally, it just needs to stay like that.
My stock response to the rants about not seeing dd enough is "see a solicitor". His last response to that was to say he would gain custody of her. He later tokd me he sais this because i was winding him up! He just isn't normal and its Tiring

I am actually going to nail down the collect/drop off times,he has proven he cannot be given flexibility because he uses it against me. Its true, I have relented to him a lot.

Ah, well if it isn't court ordered then actually you're in a stronger position.

Anymore messing about re pick up/drop off and you stop accommodating access until he goes to court for it.

Teepish that's a much stronger post from you today.

You can do this lovely

And on the days that you can't - then there's MN

Hello all, thanks for your responses, they have really made a difference.

Hi Couldn't - that's good to know, I didn't actually know if I had any choice in the matter legally if he messed around too much with times, becoming Court Ordered would actually be off putting for him, as then he would find out very starkly that he has been having a great deal of time with his daughter

Thanks lemonpledge, I actually slept very well last night knowing that if he really tried causing trouble with me again, I could have some hefty input legally.

Today he wanted to collect her a little earlier than normal, but ended up coming for her at teatime, which is what I would have preferred in the first place. Originally, he told me teatime would have been "unfair on him".... not the first time this sort of thing has happened either.

And there was me beside myself the other evening because I felt he was taking her away....

Email this: In future we will stick to the agreed contact plan. Any necessary changes to this will be managed by email, with adequate notice. Please do not attempt to make or change plans in person any more as it is upsetting and confusing for DD and is having an impact on her feelings and behaviour.

What a twat. He needs a reality check. Don't talk to him or argue with him - he's loving it!

When he threatens court just say 'good idea'

Hello kitty, I've been thinking about your email idea and in this situation it will sink in better and provoke less of a response if I make these points as the situations arise. When I collect dd this evening I'm aiming to make a swift exit, and if he begins asking questions about next weeks arrangements I was planning on asking him to just send a text about it.
The drawback with the quick exit strategy is sometimes dd hangs around her dad and doesn't want to come home with me, so when I'm standing there trying to encourage her along, thats when he starts talking. Same as if he brings her home to me, she takes ages to come into the house so he uses that time to "let me know what his plans are".
Thats when I need to become a Brick Wall and unrelenting.

Is there anyone who could do the odd drop off/pick up for you? Parent or friend? You wouldn't have to warn him about pick ups, although obviously he would need to know someone else was collecting her - you could send a last minute text.

I just think until this all settles down it is causing you so much added anxiety. I bet DD doesn't play up nearly so much if it isn't you. She is probably really confused and I am sure she doesn't prefer him at all. It will all fall into place over time, don't worry.

It sounds like he is changing his work pattern and won't be able to have her as often - an evening in the week and eow is fairly standard so you will have to swallow the missing taking her to dance class.

He will tire of being Disney Dad when he sees it's having no effect on you. As soon as I had a new boyfriend, XH suddenly couldn't have the Dc nearly so much

Playing devil's advocate here a bit, you say that he never bothered much with DD while you were together. It's possible that the split has and will continue to improve his relationship with and ability to parent DD because he now has to do it.

Also, while many fathers do back off once the split happens, many also realise that they have lost time with their children and do become better parents for it. Unfortunately this doesn't sit well with the mothers because they know what it used to be like iyswim. But you're in this for the long hall now, so it's better that you can co parent amicably where possible, and if he won't then get something more official in place.

Most parents who have been able to agree contact without courts really don't want to go to court. Some are just difficult because they can be, and some are just not good communicators and lose sight of where they're meant to be at. My eXH is a terrible communicator, so when DS, who usually comes to me after school but was supposed to be going to his dad's that weekend went to a friend's with eXH's agreement and nobody thought to tell me that he wasn't coming home, I threatened to go to court to make the arrangements official, and he very quickly realised that court wasn't actually what he wanted, and knew I certainly didn't want. His actions weren't malicious he had just agreed that DS could go to his friend's but had then forgotten the fact that he usually comes to mine and that I would worry that he hadn't come home. DS is fourteen now so I expect him to communicate for himself ;) although i drill it into him time and time again that he needs to communicate with his dad as well if he's doing something while meant to be with him.

Pick your battles. Children gravitate from one parent to the other as they get older, and these things chop and change over time. But if your ex is about to change his work hours then you will end up with a more defined schedule anyway and eOW is standard TBH. I know you say that you enjoy going to the dance class, but reality is that he is her father and he should be able to take her as well. And when you have time away from DD you can do things for yourself. Go out with friends, in fact go out on your own for a coffee if that's your thing. Start dating if you want to, have the time to tidy the house/do the stuff you don't get time for with a five year old in toe.

Flexibility is wonderful - but it doesn't always work.

He sounds like an arsehole so please don't think I'm siding with a cock like that! But your posts also show you wanted flexibility - like him doing a later pick up from your house on his day, because of the holidays.

Drop the flexibility - the give and take. It's a shame, but it's not working. One good thing about inflexible times is that it really limits conversation! You said you'll text about next week arrangements... if you have fixed times, there's no need to text him. Stick to times even when it's you that would prefer to change it.

• less chance for him to take extra
• less conversation about arrangements
• very clear arrangements if he goes to court (who will favour status quo if working)

Look at where you can make the handover through a third party or limit the time. In my case, my child comes back to me on his way to work - so he can't hang about. And usually goes to him straight from school - so I don't see him. Have a think about things like that!

As to the McD type claims from your daughter... lots of "that's nice dear".

I've got to say, I totally agree with Wanna. Not suggesting that you allow him to walk all over you but remember that he'll be seeing less of your daughter soon in any case. This isn't about who wins. Your daughter doesn't need to feel as if she's been caught up in the middle of a battle here. It's always best to try to remain amicable. Do whatever you honestly think is best for her.

Why shouldn't your child spend an equal amount of time with him? She's clearly happy and comfortable with both parents. He is just as much her parent too. Why should one parent's wish to have the child the majority of the time take precedence over the other parents wish to also spend a decent amount of time? Disney parenting is inevitable when one parent can only have a couple of days a week/fortnight with a child as no opportunity to establish a normal relaxed routine can be had.

stay in your car so he has to bring your dd out to you. It's his job to get her ready to leave - and minimises direct contact with him.

handover should take no more than the few minutes it takes you to get dd strapped into the car - having her ready on time to hand over is HIS job.

i'd sit in the car and keep beeping the horn rather than facilitate his areholience

Disney parenting is inevitable when one parent can only have a couple of days a week/fortnight with a child as no opportunity to establish a normal relaxed routine can be had

Hmmm...i disagree. i know lots of NRP dads who have a close and healthy relationship with their dc without resorting to disney parenting....and not all of them have an amicable relationship with the ex

it's a choice - not an inevitability.

Hello all, thanks for all responses

All went to plan this evening, and he is collecting her at the normal time at the weekend. I have agreed she is fine to stay with him longer next week as he has taken time off work, I've made peace with that.

Hi Neverm1nd, l have felt a little possessive of dd because he tried to syphon away my own time with her for no good reason. He has always had her for a good share of the week but always claimed it wasn't enough - until he had trips away with his girlfriend planned or nights out of course, that was time he was happy to give up
Dd was sent home from school ill once and she was fast asleep on my sofa most of the evening, high temperature. I sent ex a text saying if dd is this ill tomorrow, I would rather she stay at home than bundle her outside in her coat to be collected, she is very poorly and hasn't eaten. He replied "you are preventing me access to my daughter". No concern about how she was. Just about his share of time with her. He told me he worked out exactly how many hours he spends with her, he doesn't factor in when she is asleep. It just isn't normal and he has been relentless

Couldn't - neither of us own a car we only live a short distance away from each other (unfortunately). This has made dd spending so much time with us so easy though. We are lucky for this.

So sorry that I'm repeating myself, it is very hard to get across the madness I get from someone who can act so plausable with everyone else.

OP, I mean this in all kindness - you need to toughen up. You are being far too nice and kind to a man who treats you (and your daughter) despicably.

You need to get the law involved - both as regards access and as regards maintenance. And you need to stop talking to him. You need a routine that is enforced by law - so that he can't make his own arrangements as it suits him.

And please don't feel like you are depriving your daughter. He's turning her into a spoilt little girl who thinks that Dad is fun and Mum is a meanie.

Why should one parent's wish to have the child the majority of the time take precedence over the other parents wish to also spend a decent amount of time? Disney parenting is inevitable when one parent can only have a couple of days a week/fortnight with a child as no opportunity to establish a normal relaxed routine can be had.

Two over nights and three days is actually not far off from 50% of a five year old's free time, particularly if you just count the hours they are awake.

Speaking from experience, being with a Disney parent for this proportion of their time is not at all helpful to the resident "mundane" parent.

I could have written your post a year or so ago OP, down to the DD5 and amount of time she spends with an ex who when we were together took very little interest in her.

That is why we didn't do 50:50, because when we split, I was by far and away the primary carer. Yes, it's great that the one good thing that came out of our split was he took his head out of his arse and started to focus on his relationship with her, but very nearly to the detriment of mine.

His job demanded flexibility and he exploited this and it was impossible to get into a settled pattern with decent opportunities for quality time with her. My life revolved around his work schedule. And when I came on here to moan about it I was told by some to suck it up because he had every right to an equal relationship with her.

Six months ago, I went to a solicitor and was advised that as we didn't have a court agreeement, I could send him a letter outlining the contact arrangements (as long as I was reasonable) and if he wanted any different, he could take me to court.

He swings from demanding more time with her to dropping his time with her when something more important comes up. Ultimately, he knows that if he did go to court and make things formal, he would have to make changes himself, so he never has.

Things are now much more "professional". I get proper stretches of time now with DD and our relationship has really got so much better.

We are still beholden to Exh's work schedule in some ways though. I would actually love a structured EoW routine, maybe with a Eo week night thrown in and I think DD would benefit from that too. She says herself, she prefers to have longer stretches rather than being bounced back and to.

I would see his change in work pattern as a great opportunity for you and your DD.

Hello Distance, part of my niceness is I work less hours than ex, so part of me does feel guilty when he complains. That is why I've altered our arrangements during school holidays. He isn't the kind of person that can compromise though, he just takes.

Hello Suspenders, I read your post this morning and have been thinking it over throughout the day. I'm pleased you finally got some peace with your dd's arrangements, i actually did not realise there was anything further I could legally do.
I have been thinking about telling him i am sticking rigidly to our original agreed arrangement once the holidays are over, then if the time comes that he works more hours/gets a new job, we will discuss EOW and an evening through the week etc, and if he complains I will point him in the direction of the courts. It would be a relief to never have to worry about this again.

Whether a new job actually materialises is another thing entirely - so I will watch and wait.

just be careful he doesn't use the 'extra' contact as a means of claiming 50/50 residency.

i still think that's the precedent he is trying to set by constantly 'taking'.

he won't have to pay maintenance if he can prove he's been having dd roughly 50% of the time AND with YOUR PERMISSION.

he won't have to pay maintenance if he can prove he's been having dd roughly 50% of the time AND with YOUR PERMISSION.
So? If he does have the DD for half the time, why should he be paying maintenance?

According to CMS I'm not likely to receive any maintenance til next month or the month after, I had to change the arrangement to collect and pay. It doesn't bother me, I've never received any so I don't miss it. He last told me they were useless and kept sending letters to his parents address and not his - but at the same time CMS were telling me they were informing him of the decision to collect and pay And had sent him my bank account details. He tried to bully me out of dealing with them last year, kept ringing me pleading not to ask for backdated payments. I relented at first... he said if I stopped my claim with them he would give me what he could afford, which was less than half of what they quoted. Then he started talking about wanting to take dd abroad! For a fortnight! You'd think I was making it up. Backdated payments are very much being requested now.

He resents giving me money. Doesn't see it as helping to look after his daughter, he just sees it as paying me for nothing.