FFS how do you get over a betrayal??

[Isobela]

I've agreed to give it another go.
He says he's sorry, won't ever do it again blah blah blah

The issue lies with me now.

If I've agreed to give it another go then why the fuck can't I let it go.

I'm constantly hurting, constantly head fucked about how could he fuck our marriage up, how could he betray me, how could he do the very thing he shouldn't have done.

It's been 4 weeks and I've agreed to 'try' but I'm struggling to get over the betrayal.
I know I need to move on if we stand a chance but how do I let it drop when it's killing me inside every second of every day?
Will this ever get any better ?
He was my whole life.

I would tell absolutely everyone and move out. See if he still wants you in two months time when it's hard work for him. (See if you still want him too.) '

This is another option...if it is easier for you, then you could have him do the hard work but not have him in the same house.

I don't really want people to know until I know what I'm doing, if I'm going to stay then I don't want anyone to know as I think it will make it harder for me - I'm embarrassed by it.

I told him I was leaving yesterday - he rushed home from work to stop me. He was crying and begging me to stay, said he's made the biggest mistake if his life and can't face his future without me.
I do believe hes genuinely broken himself - I can tell he regrets it - it's just a shame he's broken our marriage too

Blimey - it's all about HIM isn't it!?
HE was crying
HE can't face the future - blah blah blah
They are all the same.
What about YOU?
Did he ask what YOU wanted?
Bet he didn't.
Because he doesn't really care what you want.
As long as he gets what HE wants!

Do you know if he said 'I think it might help if you have some space' I can understand that' I would have more admiration for him, I'm in a similar position and I think I'm going to get the same response as you

I stayed for a further 8 years - I didn't really want to but he had no job (mature student) and he was devastated and asked for another chance, financial reasons too - but mostly because the DC were 10 and 8 ...

I was a fool - he told me himself it had only ended because she had gone back abroad and told him she was going back to her boyfriend. He would have gone abroad with her - that's why he was devastated really.

I only told one person (who didn't know him very well) for the same reasons you give. That person evidently thought I should dump him although she refrained from actually saying so. She was right.

All the reasons I stayed were for his sake or the DC's sake - not mine -
and none of our family or friends knew. If my parents had known, they would have helped me financially (I didn't know that at the time because I didn't tell them). Friends said they would have supported me - but he didn't want to look like the bad guy.

I remember the conversation so clearly:

"What do you want to do?"
"I want to have a trial separation - I want you to leave for a while"

"Where will I stay?"

"Can't you stay with your parents?"
"NO!! I will have to stay in a cheap hotel."

"I can barely afford for us all to live here - we can't afford this house and a hotel for you."

"No. Well, what do you want to do then?"

"I've told you what I want and you've told me I can't have it - so why don't you just tell me what you're going to do."

So he did and I went along with it for 8 more years when - surprise, surprise, it appeared I still wasn't good enough and he buggered off anyway. Eight years wasted.

I think you should tell someone close to you - their views and reaction might help to clarify your own. I so, so, so wish I had done this, that I had left him. I left it too long and spent all those years being second best so that I haven't been able to bring myself to contemplate another relationship and I don't think I ever will. That's OK thought because I am a lot older than you are.

You really need to have a proper talk to someone who knows both of you about this. Why should you have to keep his dirty secrets?

I remember feeling like you OP.

When you realise that you weren't the one to smash everything up, kept quiet for him and denied yourself the support of family and friends then you'll be in the next phase of grieving - anger.

I remember spending countless hours pondering what I did wrong but I now see that there was nothing that I could have done. Even if my salary had gone up 100 times and I was begging him for sex 10 times a day while I looked like a supermodel, he'd still have chosen to fuck someone else.

4 weeks is far too soon to make a decision to stay or go. It's much easier to come to a decision if you live apart. Ex lived here for a while and every time he came home it was like someone had picked a scab. Him not living here made me anxious about his whereabouts but it gave me clarity about what was good for me. It was hell living together but apart. True healing started after he left.

I intend to be the one to go in my case, no kids at home, saves the hassle of arguing about this and we rent. Our place is massive, far too big and expensive for what I would want

Oh god I feel like shit.

I know what are are all saying is right - I just can't do it yet though. I was so close yesterday, I even packed a bag! But then he talked me round and I chickened out of doing it.

I do want to give him a second chance but it's just the trust thing that eating away at me 24/7. I'm even dreaming about him being unfaithful!!

Isobela I'm you 2 years on. Did you check out my thread?

I feel the same as you still. 'Im so sorry.

I've just read it WWYD1 and it made me cry.
If I knew he contemplated leaving me or anything like that then I wouldn't be here now, it's only because I'm choosing to believe him when he says it's a one off - that I think we stand any chance. The tiniest minuscule of chances tho :(

Isobela Please, take advice from here. Leave now, even if it's just to get a bit of head space as others have suggested.
You'll need it otherwise, trust me.

You know what my counsellor told me Isobel's and she was a wise old bird who has been around the block a few times, if they are that bothered the leaving them ramps up the 'botherdness' if it's self pity tears and a new girlfriend appears within 6 months you have your answer! No need to file for divorce, their actions will speak louder than any words

Yet have you told him you are leaving? How did he respond?

Nope, I'm acting normal and lining my ducks up as I'm due a lump sum in June , in my case it's from a long time ago but I was gaslighted too for years, he let me carry on letting him go on long trips for work with her and I have poems/songs he wrote and recorded saying that it will all be worth it when we become one and other stuff, says it was all in his head, he can no longer prove it and I can't live with churning it constantly , I do care but I know it's going to eat me up!!