Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FFS how do you get over a betrayal??

89 replies

Isobela · 09/04/2017 00:38

I've agreed to give it another go.
He says he's sorry, won't ever do it again blah blah blah

The issue lies with me now.

If I've agreed to give it another go then why the fuck can't I let it go.

I'm constantly hurting, constantly head fucked about how could he fuck our marriage up, how could he betray me, how could he do the very thing he shouldn't have done.

It's been 4 weeks and I've agreed to 'try' but I'm struggling to get over the betrayal.
I know I need to move on if we stand a chance but how do I let it drop when it's killing me inside every second of every day?
Will this ever get any better ?
He was my whole life.

OP posts:
magoria · 09/04/2017 08:48

It must be very frustrating that he 'doesn't know' why he tore your life and relationship apart.

There is no understandable reason. So you can't rationalise it.

Also if he doesn't know he can't be working on whatever it was to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You can also change your mind at anytime if you decide you cannot get over this.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/04/2017 08:51

You poor thing Flowers

How long have you been together? Do you have kids? Are you married?

You don't have to decide anything now- and you can change your mind...

Original poster
Isobela · 09/04/2017 09:00

That's what I've said to him, I'm not saying it's not the end but I'm willing to give him a second chance even though we are hanging on by the tiniest of threads.

We are married, been together 4 years. No children although we have been TTC.

I think I'm only just getting over the shock of it, I'd like to have a day without crying. I feel totally exhausted & drained by it all.

OP posts:
IsNotGold · 09/04/2017 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/04/2017 09:07

I would go too, sorry op, it must be very tough.

Paperdoll16 · 09/04/2017 09:15

I am four months down the line and still feeling like I'm struggling from it. I have a counselling session booked for next week.

A book that is often recommended is Shirley glass: not just friends. It's apparently very good for both you and him to read. I'm yet to buy it.

What are the circumstances around yours op? Was he having a physical affair and for how long? Whatever it was I think the fact you've been TTC makes it far worse as you're surely having regular sex and intimacy etc (not like he can use the often gas lighting response of things being tough with little ones, lack of sex, sleep, money etc.. ). Not that any excuse makes any type of affair acceptable.

You have a long road ahead of you but your H needs to be remorseful and answer all of your questions. I do hope you also have full access to everything too.

Four weeks is no time at all. Flowers

NameChange30 · 09/04/2017 09:20

Get counselling - for yourself, not couple's counselling - and please please stop TTC.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/04/2017 09:21

When things are going well, this guy 'indulges' himself, what's he going to do when things are tough? (And pregnancy/early year etc can be very tough)

Ilovepeppa · 09/04/2017 09:22

Oh Isobela, I hold my hand out to you as I am also in the exact same position as you.

My DH also told me 4 weeks ago that he had a ONS whilst on a business trip and was very sorry and it won't happen again. You may have seen my past thread...should I forgive a one night!

The pain is unreal isn't it?

We have been in separate room since but my DH told me last week that he can't carry on like this and I should just get over it now or that's it...selfish bastard!!

So because of his selfish attitude, I've decided to file for divorce!

I hope you can work things out, but you need to ask yourself if you love him enough to work through this as you will never get back what you had before.

Trust is like a glass ball, delicate and fragile. Once you break that glass ball, you can try and repair it but it will never be the same again.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

yetmorecrap · 09/04/2017 09:45

Isabella, I totally understand. Like you my h was to some extent 'my whole world' we even work together. 21 years married in my case and I found out quite by accident 4 months ago that 11 years ago he was writing love songs and poems and recording them in our house whilst I was out at our office. A lot of texting went on too at the time. I have had IC and my counsellor said you can leave and move on but what he did stays with you, together or not, so bear that in mind, however new good memories would help so it mattered less, these are easier to make if separated. In my case it's the long term deceit I find hard, he always said he wasn't interested, just a friend (she worked with us at the time) I too have the situation where 'sorry' seems to be about the most I'm going to get, they don't have contact as such anyway these days apart from the odd 'you look well' etc on Facebook. In my case he says it was a crush that got out of hand and all in his head, but I find it very hard, still undecided and getting ducks in a row.

loveyoutothemoon · 09/04/2017 11:36

Stop TTC for now for sure.

Original poster
Isobela · 09/04/2017 11:46

There's no chance of TTC. We aren't even in the same room anymore

OP posts:
muffintopsausage · 09/04/2017 11:47

You forgive.

You don't forget, but you forgive.

happypoobum · 09/04/2017 11:50

TBH with no DC I would LTB, no question.

However, if you are insistent that you want to try to get over it, you have to tell him that unless he gives you real, grown up answers to your questions, rather than all this "I don't know" bullshit, you will never forgive or forget it and he will have to leave.

Flowers
histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/04/2017 12:22

I missed that he just says 'I don't know' to your questions.
He does know, he's not being honest with you.

BonnyScotland · 09/04/2017 12:36

this is awful.. he offloads his Guilt onto you.. and expects you too Forgive and Forget and soldier on ... in a matter of weeks ? whilst his conscience is now clear...

Sod that.... he is disgusting.... it'll take months if not years to heal this Betrayal Lady x

Original poster
Isobela · 09/04/2017 13:47

That's the thing, I want an answer and he can't give me one.

He keeps saying that I'm going over the same thing which I totally am because I can't accept 'I don't know why' as an answer.
It's driving me mad.

Maybe I should leave and maybe that is it - but right at this moment I'm not quite ready to say it's all over. I hate myself for not knowing what i really want now. I've even thought about having a ONS myself but I know I won't do it. My confidence is that low anyway I couldn't.

God this is totally shit!
5 weeks ago I thought we had the perfect relationship. What a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 13:52

What a horrible situation. Lots of us have been exactly where you are - I'm so sorry for you.

How did you find out? How long did the affair last for? Was she someone you knew?

I found I couldn't get over it and ended the relationship and I have to say in your position I'd do the same, given you don't have children together yet want to have them. Having children brings about a whole new other set of stresses which a weakened relationship will struggle with.

The hardest thing is that you are the only one suffering. Yes it's a pain when you question him about it (for him, I mean) but when you're not, his life continues as normal. You are devastated and he isn't.

Original poster
Isobela · 09/04/2017 14:00

He says he's devastated too but how can he be? He undid he own trousers, made that choice himself. No one forced him.
How can he compare his hurt to mine?!

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 09/04/2017 14:01

Yes in my case that says it all, I'm devasted (to which he replied yes, I can see that) and he isn't , probably because I'm still here as is he and like you Isabella I effectively feel I'm pushed to go on for 'business as usual'

SeaCabbage · 09/04/2017 14:09

I imagine he thinks that if he tells you why, that it will make things worse between you.

Somehow you have to get through to him that it absolutely has to be talked about and talked through, no matter what fears he has about the result. Because as you say, you are suffering so terribly by not knowing why it all happened.

He might think he's being kind, saying he doesn't know, but you have to get him to understand that he is actually being incredibly unkind.

I really wish you luck and strength with it all.

FrancesDestroyed · 09/04/2017 14:25

I'm in the same position as you, I discovered the texts 4 weeks ago. I am being told that any future relationship has to be, "On my terms." We've been married 22 years, together for 27 years and have 2 DC; I don't even know what my terms are any more.
I 've emailed him a book, " How to help your spouse heal from an affair." There are some pertinent points made in it, There is some Bible Belt religious stuff in it which I ignore but there are some very good pointers as to how you are feeling and what he needs to do if he's serious about mending your relationship.
Sending FlowersFlowersFlowers

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/04/2017 14:54

^"He says he's devastated too but how can he be? He undid he own trousers, made that choice himself. No one forced him.
How can he compare his hurt to mine?!"^
He isn't devastated - and I think you know that. His is being very cruel to you. He does know why he did it.

I am of the same mind as earlier posters - he gives you answers, or he leaves. He did this, it is his responsibility to make it right. All this 'I don't know' - he's just shifting the responsibility on to you! Making it your job to forgive, to move on, to get over it, to smooth things over, to carry on as if it never happened. Hell, no!

It is NOT your responsibility - it is his.

And he starts by giving you answers. Full answers, not dragging details out one by one as his last set of lies become transparent. If he's not prepared to do that then I am sorry but he is demonstrating his lack of commitment to you, and your marriage is not going to survive and it will be ALL his fault. Not yours. You have done nothing wrong.

He talks, or he leaves. If he stays your self-esteem will suffocate under the weight of his selfish cruelty. He knows you're hurting and he's doing nothing to help you heal. He talks or he walks.

jeaux90 · 09/04/2017 14:58

You get over the betrayal by leaving them.

emilybrontescorset · 09/04/2017 15:03

You will not get over this unless he is honest.
He does know why he did it.
It could be lots of reasons but there is always a reason.
It could be:
Because she was available
He wanted a type of sex that he doesn't get/ doesn't feel able to ask for from you.
He sees you. As ' the wife' and has issues about the type of sex he can get from ' the wife' as opposed to sex from another woman.
He is under pressure to perform to get you pregnant and just wanted stress free sex.
He felt flattered by the attention of another woman
He wanted to shag someone different.
He doesn't think you give him enough attention, don't fawn over him.
He found her attractive and though fuck it.
He knows there will be no consequence( or a minor consequence he can live with).
He thinks he is entitled to exactly as he pleases.

What ever the reason he needs to be honest. Sure he won't want to tell you because it's not pleasant and she risks loosing you.

Btw how did you find out op?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.