FFS how do you get over a betrayal??

[Isobela]

I've agreed to give it another go.
He says he's sorry, won't ever do it again blah blah blah

The issue lies with me now.

If I've agreed to give it another go then why the fuck can't I let it go.

I'm constantly hurting, constantly head fucked about how could he fuck our marriage up, how could he betray me, how could he do the very thing he shouldn't have done.

It's been 4 weeks and I've agreed to 'try' but I'm struggling to get over the betrayal.
I know I need to move on if we stand a chance but how do I let it drop when it's killing me inside every second of every day?
Will this ever get any better ?
He was my whole life.

Only 4 years in and no DC? LTB. This man cannot be relied upon when times are pretty good and easy. Trust me, having children is way harder on your relationship than what you have been through so far. Don't even think of embarking on it with a man child.

Many men, including my exH, cheat either when their wives are pregnant or when the baby is small, because they can't cope with not being the centre of attention and can't grow up enough to take that essential step to put family first, not just once, but for the next 20 years. It's not looking good for your bloke it it?

I think that's why it hurts so much, because I know it's the beginning of the end yet I'm too weak to really admit it out loud.
I feel fucking pathetic, angry and pointless

I'm sorry Isobela, it's shit and lots of us have been there. It is very hard to give up the life you thought you had.

It takes time to be ready to move on so don't beat yourself up. It is time to enlist support from friends and family, understand where you stand legally and make a move when you are ready - on your time frame not his, you don't owe him anything. Keep your own counsel because I predict the next step if he thinks he will not get what he wants is for him to turn nasty.

Just remember, it is his shame not yours. Hold your head high and be proud. You were a good partner and he does not deserve you. There is a better life out there.

You are not weak, you are just struggling in a very difficult situation and that's natural. It's what Chumplady would call 'clinging to the wreckage'.

If I was you I would ask him to leave, give you space. If he still wants this to work he will do everything possible. Time will tell.

Clinging on to wreckage is exactly what I feel like I'm doing.
This is breaking me.

He doesn't even look the same to me anymore - you know when a person is less attractive when you know their personality is shit?
Everytime I look at him now I see someone different. Someone horrible, feckless, disgusting.

Yep, that's my issue too, I look and see someone I thought I knew 100% after22 years, but clearly I was deluded somewhat and now I don't see the same person, he says that I look at him funny sometimes and stare, I can't help it! I know exactly how you are feeling . I confronted mine(which as far as I know was EA onlyand a long time ago but was gaslighted for years) 2 days before Xmas and I asked him to go to the spare room that night and he would not, I then said I was going and he quite aggressively stopped me. I think the least he could have done was gone in good grace to be honest

Cherryblossom you sound very unhappy. It's ok to leave you know, you would be perfectly justified. Nobody could say you didn't give the relationship every chance. In another five years when you're five years older you may well look back and say if only I'd left five years ago. You only get one life.

I also suggest you leave him; 4 years and already no trust; he wants you to shut up about it, 4 weeks later! You will still be in shock; honestly he's not worth the heartache, sorry but you need to separate, at least that way you will feel you have some control and he has a bloody consequence; just do it, if you are meant to get back together, you will, for now, I think you need to be away from him; the trust can be rebuilt but it all needs to come from HIM; do you think he can do it if he's cheated on you so easily?

And stop taking the blame for his shitty behaviour.

As these reasons:

It could be:
Because she was available
He wanted a type of sex that he doesn't get/ doesn't feel able to ask for from you.
He sees you. As ' the wife' and has issues about the type of sex he can get from ' the wife' as opposed to sex from another woman.
He is under pressure to perform to get you pregnant and just wanted stress free sex.
He felt flattered by the attention of another woman
He wanted to shag someone different.
He doesn't think you give him enough attention, don't fawn over him.
He found her attractive and though fuck it.
He knows there will be no consequence( or a minor consequence he can live with).
He thinks he is entitled to exactly as he pleases.

show, its likely that the answer to why is going to be painful. If you do want to carry on with him then he needs counselling and you both need joint counselling. If you cannot accept (and no reason why you should) his non-answer as to why then its ok to leave because you will keep asking, keeping seeking answers and never moving to a place where you will be happier than you are just now.

Someones yes, I am unhappy, and I should leave him. I have tried very hard, and so has he, but as Isobela says he doesn't look the same to me anymore.

It's not getting any better.
I know most think I should leave but I'm not ready to yet.
Instead I'm putting myself through hell, I went through line by line mobile statements for the past year yesterday.
Rang him at work to make sure he as there.
Trying to think of ways to potentially catch him out - it's hell.

I was wondering how you were getting on.

No, of course you're not sudddenly ready to leave. A month ago you envisaged spending the rest of your life with this man, whilst trying for a baby and feeling like you're each other's worlds. He's had other intentions to you and has caused an almighty breakdown in everything you had between you.

We don't actually know the circumstances around it. How did you find out? What's his excuse? And it sounds like he should have been at work when he was with her??

It's all still too painful and too raw. Have you spoken to anyone in RL? My main concern is his lack of remorse and not answering your questions. He's not sorry. He's only sorry he's had this stopped. Depending on how long it was going on, there's a chance it hasn't stopped, judging by his behaviour post discovery.

Hugs to you

I find out by seeing it in his phone. Says it's a one off and swears it was only a one off. I've plagued him literally every single day since and he still swears it was a one off.
Says he's very sorry, feels very guilty and hates himself for it.

I've not spoken to a soul in real life, I feel too ashamed & embarrassed to say it out loud to anyone.

God I don't know what to do. I've been signed off work as I'm too stressed. This is one hell of a mess. I keep wishing I'd imagined it all and it's not really happened.

I do t know what to do, I feel like I'm going crazy. I've even thought of a lie detector test but that one step away from appearing on Jeremy Kyle!!

It must be awful. I really do feel for you.

Have you written everything down logically. You mentioned seeing his phone records for the past year- so was it extreme calls/texts to one number for a prolonged period of time?
When does he claim the ONS happened and the circumstances he found himself to be there?? Was it conveniently very recently too, despite talking for the past year (I may be jumping to conclusions here but there is very limited info) and did the texts imply further contact?

You didn't find out because he was riddled with guilt at having sex with OW presumably sober and in a planned environment (especially whilst TTC and thus regularly intimate with you) he was found out and has since only failed to answer all of your questions to be the honest, open and remorseful husband he needs to now be.

I would personally go and stay with someone else or ask him to go for a while. By 'plaguing' him everyday only shows you're not going anywhere and he's got away with it. He doesn't need to even try and win you back as you're doing the pick me dance. I fear that isn't the end of your heartbreak. 😢

This kind of thing turns you into someone else.
And that's just not OK.
With my recent ExP I turned into a paranoid wreck.
Someone who snoops. That wasn't me.
I found enough to end things. Lots of things.
The relief when I ended it was immense.
The weight just lifted and started to get back to the real me.

I agree with others. 4 years and no DC, get out.
You are literally torturing yourself by staying.
Could he move out for a while?
Having him in your space and your head space is not helping you right now.

Why aren't you ready to end things?
Cheaters often cheat again when their partners are pregnant.
Are you OK to put up with that? Really?

Have you had any counselling for yourself?
To understand why you aren't ready to put yourself first?
To love yourself and be happy?
You know you'll never be fully happy with this cheater now.

He didn't make a mistake!
He didn't forget his vows.
He chose to do this to YOU!!!
Time to take back control of your life.
Time to work on yourself now.

My ExH to this day, doesn't know why he did what he did.
We are 8 years on now.
The opportunity was there and he took it.
We were a happy family.
Fun times.
Lots of good sex.
Nothing was lacking with the relationship.
HE was lacking in loyalty and his moral compass no longer existed.
He went on to cheat on OW.
Then went on to cheat on another long term partner.
He's now miserable and depressed, living at home with mummy and daddy at 50+ years old.

They don't change. The really don't.
Even my recent Ex hasn't changed. If anything he's got worse.
Stop torturing yourself.
You do NOT deserve this.

And after what I went through with my ExH my advice is always to get some real life support.
I suffered in silence, keeping his dirty little secret for way too long.
It nearly ruined me.
Do you have friend or family member who you could talk to?
Someone who won't judge you if you decide to stay?
I bet you do. Please off-load some of this.
That was my biggest regret.

This is NOT your shame.
Everyone will know that.
Stop keeping his dirty secret.
Get it out there.

Hellsbells is right, you are torturing yourself. I've been there too and it is unbearable. Please think about taking back some control for yourself. You will feel better in the long run if you do. Read Chumplady to find people who have been through it too, and help you get angry. How dare he do this. Cheaters are just selfish.

He keeps saying that I'm going over the same thing which I totally am because I can't accept 'I don't know why' as an answer.

This is a clincher isn't it - because if he doesn't know why he did it, how does he know he won't do it again? And more importantly, how do you know?

"I've not spoken to a soul in real life, I feel too ashamed & embarrassed to say it out loud to anyone."
It really will help if you talk to someone - friend, family. Someone you trust, someone you're comfortable with. Sitting on it, all alone, amplifies it, gives it power over you. Truly, it is easier to face if you have someone in your corner. Right now, you are keeping HIS secret. He is the one benefitting from your silence, not you. you have nothing to be ashamed of, that is all his.

I don't discovered my husband's affair last November and I have to say, 4 weeks in is still very early. You don't need to rush to make a decision would be my advice.

You are not going to get over this overnight. I'd recommend some clauses to you giving him a second chance. Counseling for him to start with - if not for you also. No pressure to 'get over it and certainly no complaining about you going over the same details again and again. He should be completely open about his phone, email etc.

He needs to prove just how much he wants to have you in his life, at the very least. He has tipped your life upside down and made you doubt everything (at least if you feel anything like I did). In the end, he must get do everything right

Oops, posted too soon

In the end he might do everything right and you still might want to get out. But you don't have to rush anything. You might wake up tomorrow and be sure you want to split up, you may need me re time. But I'm pretty sure you are still in shock now and need to take the time to take care of you.

Good luck with whatever you decide. You do not deserve this and I can tell you now, the reason he did this is because there is something lacking in him, something missing in him. Not you. My H said he did it because our marriage was shit (which is true). He could have talked to me - or left me! - but no. A different man would have handled it differently.

Is he still saying I don't know when you ask why?

I would tell absolutely everyone and move out. See if he still wants you in two months time when it's hard work for him. (See if you still want him too.)

At the moment, you're making it much too easy (sorry). He won't respect you for it.

It's pretty obvious that he is clamming up because his excuse of 'a one off' is not true. If he starts giving you details it will be obvious that he lied from the beginning and he knows the whole thing will spiral.

He is trying to contain the fall out of this by giving you minimal information. I assume you can't go to the woman and find out what was going on from her side?