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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell to do?

73 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 16:43

So, I don't love dp anymore, have no feelings for him. Been together 17 years with 2 DS.

However, telling him I want us to separate is very difficult as his Mum is dying. She has cancer and has been in and out of hospital for months now. Stupidly I've been putting it off because of this but my life just feels so unbearable at the moment. He's not abusive (although sometimes emotionally) but he's just not an easy person to live with. And becoming more so as the years progress.

He;s just found out the cancer has spread and she is now getting home, with lots of modifications being made to his parents home to accommodate this. It actually sounds like she is coming home 'to die'.

How the hell can I tell him now? I feel so trapped (and guilty that I selfishly feel this way). Do I hang on or tell him now before things get even worse? I have absolutely no idea how much longer she has.

I feel like a total cow.

OP posts:
TheElephantofSurprise · 08/04/2017 16:51

Don't tell him. Wait. It might be a while. Do this as one human being for another.

BonnyScotland · 08/04/2017 17:08

I agree ... difficult as it must be... say nothing whilst these sad events roll out... x

tinglyfing · 08/04/2017 17:11

At the risk of sounding cold, if op waits now, then what happens when dh mother passes? How long does she wait after that?

Platimum · 08/04/2017 17:12

I think act like a caring decent acquaintance would act. It is not fair that you're trapped.
Behind the scenes you can plan, save, research, sort things out in advance.

Dont talk about the future. You're not married so it will be simpler.

ofudginghell · 08/04/2017 17:19

Please don't say anything yet.

Different I know but I watched my poor dad go through the stages of losing his mum last year and the pain and stress is unbearable. If I could have taken away his pain I would have in a heart beat and he's a 70 year old man.
Have you lost a parent op?

My dads view is that it's like no matter how prepared you think you are nothing will ever come near that feeling and the sheer agony. He may not be showing this at the moment but it will be in there somewhere.
Dropping a bombshell on him like that could just about finish him off.
Do you want to feel responsible for that?

You say you have no feelings for him but 17 years together must make you feel some compassion surely???

category12 · 08/04/2017 17:25

While I sympathise hugely (having recently lost someone myself, from cancer) - I also think it's untenable to have to stay (have sex? etc) with someone you no longer love. Cancer's horrible and can drag out for months and months, and then there's the grieving afterwards.

I don't know what the answer is, really. But I wouldn't want to be faking a relationship for however long. I wouldn't be able to do it, I'd end up snappy and resentful and unable to be supportive.

BigGrannyPants · 08/04/2017 17:30

I disagree, I think you still need to tell him, it's unfair on you both. When will be the right time, once his mother dies and he is grieving? Tell him, but tell him you will stay and support him through his mothers illness and of course the organisation afterwards. It's not fair to lie to him even if your intentions are honourable

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/04/2017 17:36

Can you speak to your partner, tell him how you feel. Maybe you could still support him, from a distance.
This is your one and only chance at life OP, you cannot live it, for someone else.
I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult place, and very sadly your partners DMs homecoming, doesn't necessarily mean, that her impending death is imminent.
I hope you find a way out.🌺

Finola1step · 08/04/2017 17:47

I think you are in an impossible situation. Both DH and I have lost a parent in recent years. It has been incredibly tough and looking back, the support we gave each other pulled us both through it. But if that support was covering up one of us wanting to leave, then it would make the grief worse IYSWIM.

Does he have any inkling about how you feel?

Original poster
whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 18:02

#ofudginghell no I haven't lost a parent thankfully so obviously I can only imagine what he's going through. I do feel compassion, of course I do otherwise I would just do it and not post on here.
#biggrannypants - this is what I feel is best. I've already been really cold toward him for the last few months as I just can't fake the feelings. And where I obviously feel for him with his situation, I don't want to carry on treating him like this.
#Finola1step - I would be surprised if he suspect how I feel. Things haven't been great for quite some time now, and rapidly deteriorating. His mother has gotten worse in the last couple of months which has obviously stopped me from saying anything. Now I worry I've left it too late.
But, lilke #tinglyfin says, how long after he loses her do I then have to wait? Wouldn't it be way worse then?
I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 18:04

sorry that should have read #Finola1step - I would surprised if he DIDN'T
suspect how I feel.

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and just not sure how I would feel. I think I might be more focussed on my Mum's illness than anything else so maybe wouldn't upset me as much. Who knows.

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 08/04/2017 18:10

So what are you expected to carry on having sex with him,when you don't want to??and let's say you did do a mammoth spectacular performance of faking still loving him..how will he feel when you end it? And he says ,when did you feel like this ,and it all comes out that you faked your feelings while his mum was ill...I'm no expert on these matters.but I firmly belive honesty is always best...difficult,but always best

Hermonie2016 · 08/04/2017 18:24

What would be the situation of a split? Would you stay in the house? It's worthwhile planning, finding out what the finances would be.At least you feel you would be moving forwards.

Have you ever spoken to your h about the issues?

Finola1step · 08/04/2017 18:37

In that case whats, I think you do need to broach the subject of the future with him. As gently as possible. Even if it is simply a one sided, short conversation where you tell him that you stull care about hum, will support him with looking after his mum, and that you won't make any big changes for the foreseeable future. But so that he knows changes will happen. Then start the relevant preparation. Flowers

Emmageddon · 08/04/2017 18:51

From what you've said, it sounds as if it's not going to be a huge surprise anyway, but I wouldn't say anything just yet - unless he asks you, which he might. He might even be relieved that the relationship is over.
Do you have any plans as to where you are going to live?

Earlybird · 08/04/2017 18:55

How long has your MIL been ill?
How long have you felt this way about your dh?
How old are your dc?

Original poster
whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 19:52

#Earlybird - she has been ill for over a year now but only really bad the last few months. I've felt this way about dp since the new year although I guess its been gradual for a while longer. I don't think its going to change either. I'm 39 and DS are 10 and 3.
#Hermonie2016 - we jointly own our house so would have to sell it as neither of us could afford to take on the mortgage solely. Its an added complication that we are probably in negative equity ( I already had it valued) so this may be an issue. Perhaps renting it out might be an option too.
#vegansnake - we've probably had sex once this year so this isn't really an issue and suspect this is another reason he will not be all that shocked!
I've made the massive mistake of staying with him for the kids for a while now but its gotten to the point where I'm just really unhappy and can't live like this anymore. Unfortunately this point has been reached at a terrible time for everyone!

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 08/04/2017 20:12

tbh if he is abusive I would say get out now - or there will be another excuse later down the line.

Twinklyfaerieglade · 08/04/2017 20:18

Dear god, please be compassionate.
You may not be able to support him fully (it sounds like there is already a lot of distance between you) but don't change his world at this horrible time.
As for how long after, it depends on you. I could not contemplate it before the funeral, but afterwards.....

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2017 20:25

I accidentally did this to exDH. We broke up and then his mother died suddenly a few days later. I won't lie, it was rough. But we were still a family in a lot of ways so I went to the hospital, helped his father, organised food for the funeral, spoke to relations and friends.

It is possible, if everyone is compassionate and empathetic, to call time while still behaving as a family. You don't have to move out suddenly, sell the house, disconnect totally. You can be supportive and loving while acknowledging that your marriage is over.

However, if you have only felt like this for a few months, do you think there's a way back or you are definitely done? Because presumably his behaviour and feelings are all over the place at the moment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2017 20:27

I will also say that I was probably a better 'wife' having acknowledged that the marriage was over during this time. Because I wasn't on edge and miserable and tired and angry and resentful. I could actually help and be compassionate.

Destinysdaughter · 08/04/2017 20:33

I'd tell him how you are feeling. If you're not happy then surely he's not either? It's not a good time, but when she dies that won't be a good time either. An amicable split is what you need to be working towards, if you can discuss it openly and kindly I think that would be the best way forwards.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 08/04/2017 20:43

It seems unusual that you had a second baby together just 3 years ago, and are now so sure there's nothing left. I don't meant to pry, but were you happy then? Or did you so want another child that you had one even tho the relationship wasn't working?
If its gone downhill fairly recently is it perhaps worth trying some couple counselling?
Not sure how you could fit that around the situation with the ill mother tho, its a tough situation

Original poster
whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 20:57

#ohido we've had a very rocky 17 years to be honest. We've nearly broken up several times and usually down to his behaviour. When we decided to have our 2nd it was me who pushed for it as I wanted another and things were genuinely pretty good between us at the time. He's never been able to change and I take full responsibility for putting up with it for so long, letting it get to this stage.
Its hard to put my finger on why something has 'snapped' in me but we've had some extra stresses over the last year which has made him more unbearable to live with. We still argue about the same things we have argued about for years. I feel like we are 2 people who are just stuck in a house together who really don't like each other very much.
I reckon, deep down, he probably isn't happy in our relationship either but he knows he would be worse off financially on his own (and away from the kids) so just plods on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 21:01

#MrsTerryPratchett - so are you still together or did you go ahead with the separation. Unfortunately I feel like I'm done. Obviously I realise some of his recent behaviour will have been affected by his mother's illness although his treatment of me and the kids at times is just not acceptable (whatever the reason).

OP posts:
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