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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What the hell to do?

73 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 16:43

So, I don't love dp anymore, have no feelings for him. Been together 17 years with 2 DS.

However, telling him I want us to separate is very difficult as his Mum is dying. She has cancer and has been in and out of hospital for months now. Stupidly I've been putting it off because of this but my life just feels so unbearable at the moment. He's not abusive (although sometimes emotionally) but he's just not an easy person to live with. And becoming more so as the years progress.

He;s just found out the cancer has spread and she is now getting home, with lots of modifications being made to his parents home to accommodate this. It actually sounds like she is coming home 'to die'.

How the hell can I tell him now? I feel so trapped (and guilty that I selfishly feel this way). Do I hang on or tell him now before things get even worse? I have absolutely no idea how much longer she has.

I feel like a total cow.

OP posts:

isitjustme2017 · 16/04/2017 17:46

RunRabbit good point. He's making things easier at the moment by being a complete tw@t. He hasn't said 2 words to me since Friday night. I dropped him at the hospital at 10am this morning and haven't seen or heard from him since. Obviously I don't mind how long he spends at the hospital but we do have 2 kids. I actually suspect he has gone to meet his mate again.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 17:49

Sorry I my account keeps switching between user names....

Trolls I can see that would look bad for the dc and am very aware of this. This is why I've been delaying things. However, he has not been a very nice person to live with (even before his Mum became ill) and our relationship is rapidly deteriorating (we're barely speaking).
So, although I'm still trying to be considerate to him, things can't continue like this. Its a toxic environment for kids and am surprised you think its ok to continue.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2017 19:09

His mum dying might have made him realise life's short and thus to think about splitting up. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what he's talking to his mate about.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 19:32

I hope so Runrabbit . I have to do something soon, this is making me ill.

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/04/2017 19:54

Here to support you OP, keep on track. 💐

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 22:01

So I told him tonight. He seemed in a better mood and his mum is stable. It did not go down well. He has turned nasty (as I suspected), telling me I should move out and leave the kids with him. He's been sending me nasty message since he's gone to bed about how he is going to make everything really difficult.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2017 22:19

Awful as it is, his response means you did the right thing. Keep a good and kind heart and manage as best you can.

ohfourfoxache · 16/04/2017 22:27

Looks like he really is showing his true colours

Stay strong. Can you get your ducks in a row whilst he's spending time at the hospital?

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 22:31

When he's nasty like this it does make me realise I'm doing the right thing. ohfour not much I can do, we jointly own our home and he has refused to move out. I can't move out with the kids as no way could I afford rent and half the mortgage. I think we will also struggle to sell the house as its a new build. I predict a very difficult few months ahead!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 16/04/2017 22:32

But you've taken the first step. It's so important, I hope you know that

ohfourfoxache · 16/04/2017 22:33

Have you had a look at the online "entitled to" calculator?

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 22:38

Thank you! Yes its a relief in itself. I know I have a long way to go but the knot has already gone in my stomach. I've checked my entitlements already and I could manage fine renting on my own, but not paying half a mortgage on top! The support on here is helping massively though.

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/04/2017 09:44

Hi OP, You've been very brave, and waited patiently, for the tight opportunity, if there is such a thing.
Could you make one of those free half hour appointments with a Solicitor, it would enlighten you, as to your next move, hopefully.
You may be surprised, your house may sell quickly,.
I am so relieved for you, you can do this, keep focused on your future.
We're all here for you, round the clock. 🌺

BigGrannyPants · 17/04/2017 10:45

Well done OP, you are being really brave. If he keeps up the nasty behaviour remind him that the kids will pick up on all of this. Surely the last thing he will want is to hurt them?

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 18/04/2017 10:20

I feel sick all day every day and struggling to eat anything. Today its just me and oldest DS and constantly holding back tears. I need to ring estate agent to get them to go ahead with the sale of the house but struggling to make the call. He knows something is wrong. I've been sleeping in the spare room and he keeps coming in and asking to sleep in my bed (which he never does).
He is going to be SO gutted about losing the house. We rented for years and the poor soul has moved about 6 times (he's 9) so he was overjoyed when we finally bought our own house. He loves it and loves his room.......
I know I'm still doing the right thing for me and the kids, just feel so sick about it and feel its my fault!

OP posts:

Onlylivetwice · 18/04/2017 10:58

Hi Whatsmyname- just read your thread after posting mine about separating from my H when S about to go off travelling. I can totally empathise with the feelings you describe. You have done what's right for you- continuing to pretend all is well can't go on indefinitely. I admire you. Stay strong and think of the better life ahead for you and your children.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/04/2017 11:02

Try and eat something Sweet, you have to go through the rough, to reach the smooth.
Your DS, may get a bigger, better room next time, who knows.
Ring the Estate Agentsnow, whilst you have the opportunity.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 18/04/2017 11:28

Thanks both!! I've called the estate agent and they are coming to take the photos on Monday.

I think its hard because we're going to have to carry on living together until the house sells so no 'clean break'.
First step is now done though so feel a bit better. I accept I have lots of teary days ahead though. The support on here is such a comfort.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 19/04/2017 08:25

I hope this nasty stage doesn't last too long. He is now arguing with me about money in front of our oldest ds. He's now decided I am 'shafting' him and has demanded a list of all the bills etc (I deal with all that). I woke up this morning to a list of things he has bought for the house (????). Really not sure what this proves (and actually my list is longer) but its all very childish and pathetic.
I'm really worried if this continues I won't be able to carry on living with him. I hope its just the anger talking and he will calm down and just accept what is happening.

OP posts:

BigGrannyPants · 19/04/2017 22:13

OP you and the kids are safe?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2017 22:22

He is in the angry shocked phase. Don't engage at the moment. Have as little contact as possible.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 20/04/2017 10:46

BigGrannyPants yes we are safe. He wouldn't ever harm any of us, just being horrible at the moent.

MrsTerry is right, he just angry.

Last night he suddenly changed his attitude and decided that I could have the house and he would move out!!! I was rather shocked by this. Although I'm suspicious he is being 'nice' to see if that will perhaps change my mind. The stalling of the house sale might give him hope of eventual reconciliation.

OP posts:

BigGrannyPants · 20/04/2017 11:18

I'm glad you are safe OP, I hope he sticks to his promise and moves out

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