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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What the hell to do?

73 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 16:43

So, I don't love dp anymore, have no feelings for him. Been together 17 years with 2 DS.

However, telling him I want us to separate is very difficult as his Mum is dying. She has cancer and has been in and out of hospital for months now. Stupidly I've been putting it off because of this but my life just feels so unbearable at the moment. He's not abusive (although sometimes emotionally) but he's just not an easy person to live with. And becoming more so as the years progress.

He;s just found out the cancer has spread and she is now getting home, with lots of modifications being made to his parents home to accommodate this. It actually sounds like she is coming home 'to die'.

How the hell can I tell him now? I feel so trapped (and guilty that I selfishly feel this way). Do I hang on or tell him now before things get even worse? I have absolutely no idea how much longer she has.

I feel like a total cow.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2017 21:16

We broke up. Years ago now. It was genuinely the best thing to do. I did feel that I had to give it a chance but like you, I think it was probably over for years, if it should ever have started.

It was just that I found it easier during that period to be kind and supportive knowing there was an end in sight. We both knew it was over so didn't feel as trapped.

I have a vivid memory of coming home and seeing him asleep in a chair and thinking, "you're not my problem any more".

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 21:24

#MrsTerryPratchett - so glad it all worked out for you in the end!

OP posts:

Obsidian77 · 08/04/2017 21:28

I would say something to him, gently, now if only on the off-chance that otherwise he would miss out on spending time with his DM in order to save a relationship that you want out of anyway.

catscurledupbythefire · 08/04/2017 21:31

I think it might be wise to be aware that extended family and mutual friends may take a dim view, as may your eldest DS.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 08/04/2017 22:27

#catscurledupbythefire - the only person out of those you mention I care about is my oldest DS. He is one of the reasons I want out. I don't want him growing up thinking our relationship is normal. Others can take whatever view they like.

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/04/2017 09:01

If you don't address your painful situation, it will fester, like an open wound. You are starting to feel that there is no hope, yet I assure you there is.
Firstly, you need to speak honestly, and calmly, because you're past the point of anger, about how you are feeling. Your partner is going through a miserable and difficult time. Unbeknown to you, the unease and tension, in the air, may be adding greatly to his load. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing, Something both of you are currently lacking.
Have the conversation, it is necessary, in able for you both to move forward. Don't make a very sad situation worse. You will come out, the other side.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2017 09:03

"You're not married so it will be simpler."

Yeah, course it will.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2017 09:20

I think you need to tell him how you feel and try and think of the practical way forward with separation.

Be compassionate and explain you didn't want to do this while his mum is unwell, but you honestly can't carry on as things have been.

Hopefully you're still in a place to be supportive (even when separated) with regards to his mum.

I'd also say to imagine the tables were turned and he ended things while your mum was terminal... How would you feel?

Would he be labelled as a nasty person, kicking while you were in a low place?

For the sake of your children and in the interests of having a successful coparenting relationship, try and be as kind as you can.

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 09/04/2017 17:56

Thanks for all the responses. I'm going to have to tell him (and soon).

I wake up with a knot in my stomach every morning and its like a weight on my shoulders every day. I can't go on like this.

I just need to be as considerate as I possibly can about it.

OP posts:

staywild · 09/04/2017 18:22

My brother was in a similar situation. It was awful. He was early 20s and all set to break up with his long term girlfriend when her mum died unexpectedly. There wasn't a good time to break it off, and he stayed in the relationship for a further year when her dad also died (again, very unexpectedly). It was very difficult - I really felt for him. He tried to do the right thing but made himself very very unhappy in the process. In the end, he emigrated with his job with the plan for her to follow, but of course that never happened (I secretly suspected it wouldn't) and he broke up with her from the other side of the world (not great, and a bit cowardly if you ask me, he really should have done it before he left).

Despite it being very hard on her though, they both quickly met someone and got engaged / had children.

It's a different situation given their ages / stage of relationship etc., and I wouldn't wish what she went through losing her parents and subsequently her partner on anyone, but watching years of his life slip through his fingers and seeing him so unhappy but trying to carry on was difficult. Not fair on either of them really.

I think you should call it a day. There's never going to be a 'good' time. His mum could survive for another year, or more (sorry to sound callous), and then there's the difficulties of leaving a grieving man. I really feel for you

BigGrannyPants · 09/04/2017 18:54

Good luck OP, let us know how you get on

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/04/2017 20:05

You're doing the right thing OP, you're also being very brave.
Just stay calm, regardless of his response.
Once it's all out in the open, you will feel slightly relieved.
I wish you all the best. 🌺

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 15/04/2017 12:31

I've still not told him. We have a family thing this weekend so was waiting to get that over with as didn't want to spoil things for the kids.
He went out with an old mate last night he hasn't seen in months. He came home early crying his eyes out. I've never seen him cry in the 17 years we've been together. I thought he'd had bad news about his Dad, he wouldn't talk to me. I suspect talking with his friend has brought it all out.

So, how can I tell him now???

OP posts:

isitjustme2017 · 15/04/2017 12:33

That should read 'bad news from his Dad'

BigGrannyPants · 15/04/2017 13:35

OP I know this will be really hard, but I think you should still do it. There is never going to be a good time and with his mother being so ill, it's unlikely to be any easier any time soon. It's not fair on anyone to prolong this..

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/04/2017 17:35

It was possibly alcohol, that allowed his emotions to overflow.
GRANNY is right, there will never be a good time.
Be kind to yourself OP, have the much needed conversation. 🌸

FritzDonovan · 15/04/2017 17:45

If he's been the 'difficult' one in the relationship, can you separate, but still support him as a friend? It might give him more opportunity to concentrate on his mum as well...

Sammysilver · 16/04/2017 07:04

What a very difficult situation. OP, have you met someone else?

Sammysilver · 16/04/2017 07:10

Sorry, posted too soon. I just think it would be unbearable for your DH to not only be losing his mother but losing his family life as he knows it at the same time. Assuming the kids will remain with you, it's the idea of not having the buffer of being able to see his kids every day as presumably he does now. I understand it's hard for you but as a PP has said, have some compassion.

isitjustme2017 · 16/04/2017 15:25

No I've not met anyone else, its nothing like that. As I said previously he's not been very easy to live with and I have suffered some emotional abuse. Perhaps the stress of his Mum plus a few other recent things has made him worse but its been a build up over a long period of time.
He's not speaking to me at all at the moment. If I ask about his Mum I get 1 word answers. He spends almost all day at the hospital so don't see him much. Life with him is unbearable.
I do have compassion about his Mum which is why I've been putting this off. I wish I had told him weeks ago before she got really bad as I just feel things are so much worse now.
#Sammysilver I know what you mean about changing his family life but, to be frank, he doesn't do much with the kids normally anyways. That might sound harsh but I'm the one who deals with them most of the time and take them places and does things with them.
I'm torn between feeling ill with guilt about his Mum, and feeling ill with not being able to bear living with him anymore.

BigGrannyPants · 16/04/2017 15:33

Don't feel guilty. What you are doing just now isn't benefiting anyone, it might seem kinder to stay while this is all happening, but you are miserable, your H is miserable and the kids will have picked up on all of this, so chances are they are feeling insecure. Better to be clear about what's happening, for everyone to know where they stand. It'll be hard op but it really is better just to do it

Original poster

whatsmyname2017 · 16/04/2017 15:37

#BigGrannyPants - I know you're right. Maybe I'm just a coward worried about the backlash from him and his family. He can be quite nasty and I can imagine him telling everyone "My Mum is dying and she decides she wants us to split up".Or maybe I'm more worried he will get really angry at me for my timing when he has 'more important things to worry about'. I suppose there is no point worrying about what I don't know......

OP posts:

BigGrannyPants · 16/04/2017 15:48

That doesn't make you a coward, not at all, this would be an extremely difficult conversation to have at anytime, never mind when his mum is about to pass away... but you are torturing yourself, you've put yourself through enough. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will start to feel more like yourself again... the backlash from the family might or might not happen but if it does, it always was going to no matter when you choose to do it. It's an awful position to be in but you have to do what is right for you and your kids

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2017 17:22

Splitting up might actually make his life easier too. He could have been crying his eyes out about your relationship. Or the combination of both things being wrong. Living in a miserable household doesn't make things easier for anyone.

You say he is the sort of person who will get nasty and label you a cowbag no matter what. So that will happen whenever you split up, therefore it shouldn't be a consideration.

If I were you I would get everything organised for the split quietly in the background. When you split up then it will be quicker to end it. With his mum dying I would minimise the time period where you are in limbo, having decided to split but living arrangements not having changed.

But that might be peculiar to me because I find uncertainty much more stressful than even the most horrible actual situations.

Trollspoopglitter · 16/04/2017 17:43

You are also destroying your children's family as they know it at the same time they're experiencing death of someone close for the first time. If you're divorcing for the children's sake, then don't devastate them with this timing.

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