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Original poster

Age gap - lying about it

100 replies

Littlemissindependent · 07/04/2017 22:35

Have been chatting to someone for past week. Seems nice, genuine. Agreed to meet up this weekend. At some point in the conversation I told him I had a 'cut off point' of 40, but was prepared to make an exception for him (he told me he was 42). But tonight, after a bit of digging, I've discovered he's actually 46! I haven't told him that I know.... I'm 31. I'm not sure whether to call him on it, wait and see if he says anything when (if) we meet or just cut contact now given that he's lied. Any advice?

OP posts:

PollyPerky · 08/04/2017 11:35

I'm not going to get embroiled in the topic except to say to Platimum you really do have alot to learn if you think a man in their late 40s is bound to have ED issues!

DH is early 60s and exactly the same as in his 20s.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/04/2017 11:56

Yay for your DH Polly

The problem here for me is mainly that you'd had an actual conversation about age - saying 40 is your top limit - and he didn't fess up to fudging things (online dating can be pretty brutal in terms of age so I have a bit of sympathy).

I also think it's a pretty big age difference - so if he'd shaved a few years off but you were in your late thirties it might not be such a big deal. Here, it's going from 11 to 15 years, and if 11 is the top end of what you feel comfortable with/are looking for, that isn't really on, especially when you've had a conversation about it!

I'd love to know what his age settings are! probably a good bit younger than 46

HidingEyes · 08/04/2017 11:59

Another yay Polly !

thebakerwithboobs · 08/04/2017 12:05

The age gap between me and my husband is bigger than that-twenty years and six kids later it's not an issue.

I have to say that whilst I can't condone lying you did say what your cut off was and I guess he was just trying to stay in with a chance. I know he shouldn't but I actually think if it's the only red flag there is and the age gap wouldn't have been an issue if you'd known (although you told him it was) then I would give him another chance. I know I'm in the minority though. Small mistake in my view.

sucue · 08/04/2017 12:17

Why isn't he chatting to women his own age? Are they too old for him?

PollyPerky · 08/04/2017 12:25

I can see how a 15 yr age gap may seem daunting but it depends on the people involved.

In my early 20s I had a 5 year relationship with a man 14 years older . It didn't feel like an age gap because in some ways I had more life experience. When we did split up it was nothing to do with age.

As I've got older, I think less about the actual numbers and more about the person.

Men will always fancy their chances with younger women. And if you look at slebs (Rupert Murdoch / Hall anyone?) they often succeed.

OP I don't think you ought to ask strangers. It's how you feel that counts. In some ways I'd slightly admire a guy who was foolish- brave enough to chance his arm by knocking of a few years - just for his sheer audacity - and if he was lovely I'd probably forgive him for the small porkie online.

HidingEyes · 08/04/2017 12:27

A lovely way of putting things in perspective Polly, I like your style .

Original poster

Littlemissindependent · 08/04/2017 13:01

Polly you've given me a few things to think about. I agree I probably shouldn't be asking strangers, I just wanted some other opinions

OP posts:

Platimum · 08/04/2017 15:28

PollyPerky, the two men I met on line who lied about their ages both had ED issues as it happens and they weren't that old. (both in their late forties) which is the 'right' age group for me.

Anyway, I'm sure it does depend on how healthy they are, physically and emotionally.

Somebody said something up thread about not moving your goalposts, and I think that's really important. The second last relationship I had I decided that never again would I do x, y or z! And then I met this man (the most recent relationship! ) and it felt so right, I knew he was genuine, he had the best of intentions etc etc... all true by the way, but it still didn't work out, so I am mad at myself that I relaxed my goal posts. I let him come to my house. I slept with him too soon and got invested too soon. I told people excitedly "I've met somebody!" which I'd never done before and I'd said I wouldn't do that unless they'd done it, unless they'd introduced me to their people! It felt so right that I through my own rule book out the window and yeh, I regret that now. I had my own goal posts in my head because I knew that they would protect me from my own optimism and his optimism! The last guy did not lie as such, he just did not know his own mind

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2017 15:38

Stop behaving like a little girl. Confront him with what you suspect, and ask to see his driver's license. If he balks or has indeed lied, dump his sorry ass IMMEDIATELY. Why would you even consider being with someone who started off with a lie?

Platimum · 08/04/2017 17:08

Dump him??
They haven't met yet!!

WickedLazy · 08/04/2017 17:51

Bit harsh aquamarine...

HelenaDove · 08/04/2017 18:43

I had my first date with DH 25 years ago this month I was almost 19. He was 42.

He has never told me a lie in all the time we have been together.

Its not the age gap that would bother me. The lying would.

Platimum · 08/04/2017 18:46

You guys don't have sex though right?

HelenaDove · 08/04/2017 20:08

No but we did for the first four years.

Fanciedachange17 · 08/04/2017 21:34

Have I read this right? Helena? You and DH have not had sex for 21 years? Since you were 23 and you are now 44?

HelenaDove · 08/04/2017 23:17

WE havent no.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2017 06:10

You've not even met and he's blatantly lied to you.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2017 07:06

Remember this is deception. Why would you want to build a relationship with a man who had deliberately deceived you, knowing that you would not choose a relationship with him if he told the truth.

There was a poster on another thread, where there man lied about his job. It's unacceptable to lie in this way, hoping to gain some kind of advantage, that you wouldn't have done otherwise.

Its worse than those who lie about their height, because at least you'll realise that's a lie straight away on meeting them and you could end it straight off.

15 years is a generation gap for me.

If you want kids, he's already getting on in age....is he going to be a dad at 50?

RoganJosh · 09/04/2017 07:14

Just out of interest, what's the age range that he's looking for? If it's below his real age I'd have a problem with it I think. If it's 30-50 then that would be a more positive sign.

dudsville · 09/04/2017 07:43

I'm often caught by surprise by what I perceive as the strict lines others take with regard to something like this. It always makes me stop and think, however I also have 1st hand experience of this lie and it really was fine. Yes it is a lie, but all lies are not equal. My OH lied about his age via OLD. I was really shocked when he told me. 10 years on and not an argument. His added maturity was a bonus and our natures and senses of humour are a perfect match! I tease him frequently about his age.

dudsville · 09/04/2017 07:51

I was just thinking back and also should add that I was of an age to start a family at the time. I didn't want that or to get married, and I was clear about this on my profile but I guess people often fudge this as men I met presumed I did. Every man I meet who was my age wanted both of those things even though they'd said not on their profile. I'm sure there were other men my age or younger or whatever who wanted the lifestyle I wanted. The one I met happened to be older.

thebakerwithboobs · 09/04/2017 07:58

As I posted previously, mine and my husband's age gap is bigger. Our last child was born when my husband was well into his forties but he'd happily have more even now (I'm still in bed, he's currently on the trampoline with the kids!) You can't assume an 'older' man (and let's have Zoe perspective here-he's hardly drawing a pension....) won't want children.

onesupplied · 09/04/2017 07:58

I lie about my age on OLD... Only a couple of years though. When I put my real age I get barely any decent guys as they've obviously set their search preferences younger!

It's only age, it's just a number.

Original poster

Littlemissindependent · 09/04/2017 09:51

I fully expect to get flamed, but I'm going to meet him for a drink tonight. If it's a disaster then it's not like I've gone out of my way, or wasted any time. But, despite the age thing, I do like him. A few peoples opinions on here made me think that maybe it was worth a shot. I already have dd and can't have any more so that's not an issue. I'm just looking at it as having nothing to lose

OP posts:

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