How long does it take for men to show their abusive side?

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Sorry if this is a stupid question, just wondering about a ballpark figure.

It's not specific to anyone - I am single. But I don't want to make any more mistakes. I used to ignore major red flags so thought not doing that would be enough, but I'm scared. So many, many men seem to be conditioned to treat women badly.

So - how long until you can be reasonably sure they don't have a hidden dark side?

This is so interesting to read as I'm in a new relationship. I used to be with an emotional, mental a user. ( my LB dad) and I'm weary of this new relationship as his dad used to emotionally abuse his mum and him. A few things have made me think. They have only been subtle but still I'm beginning to think does he have the potential to ramp it up.

This article is good on early warning signs

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser

debs77 I agree.

On line flags - saying ''you're so good looking how are you still single?'' eh, because there's a little bit more to it than that, it's not just men doing the picking women up off the shelf in my world buddy
getting annoyed if you don't answer them quickly enough!!!

I've had pleasant funny exchanges with men who if I then let it dwindle or in some cases, was intending to reply to but was busy, then if you get a sarky message reprimanding you for not responding quicker or for having had the temerity to think you can do better than them, then I think whoah! nicely swerved! Of course you do have to reject men first to see how they react to a rejection - which is not that useful if you don't want to reject them.

midnightswirls, a good test would be to tell him you need space to think about something (maybe don't specify what as he'll just rationalise it). But see how he reacts to YOUR request for space. With anger!? With respect and sadness?

You can tell a lot from asking for space.

and even if he seems to respect your request, does he make you feeling guilty about how sad and kicked to the curb your request leaves him??

Mine was when I was six months pregnant. He went to work one day, didn't come home that night, went out drinking. When he did come home it was like a different man walked through the door. That's how quickly it turned. People say there must be signs. There wasn't, he was devoted, caring and excited about the pregnancy right up till that day. I went shopping for baby clothes, didn't have a mobile then so did 1471 on the landline expecting him to have called as he always would have done usually. No call and that was my first inkling because it was totally out of character for him not to call for a chat and check all was well with the baby etc. He didn't come home that night - found out later he was with another woman - the first of many. That's why I will never trust a man again, because I could never have anticipated it. One day he was totally in it, the next day he was a cruel, name calling, disinterested arsehole.

When they think they "have you" and you can't walk away.
It's then that they feel "safe" to let their freak flag fly.

When exactly this is will depend on the specific man, the specific woman and their dynamic.

It could be when he's sure the woman is "in love", it could be when they are engaged or married, it could be when she is pregnant or has given birth.

It many ways it's no different from "putting your best foot forward" in the early stages of a relationship and then as you become more relaxed showing your true personality. This won't happen if you adore a guy but fear he's not into you; once you know he's yours then you feel safe in showing your true self. The trouble with an abuser is the "true self" is to be avoided at all costs.

Often with pregnancy - the focus is no longer solely on him. Also there are suddenly all these avenues through which a woman can seek help or have it pointed out to her that he's abusive (midwives, antenatal classes/appts etc)
But that's physical abuse usually that starts or ramps up during pregnancy.

The drip-drip-drip of psychological abuse tends to start very soon into the relationship if not straight away, but is so 'minimal' (for lack of a better word) that it's not 'obvious'.

Mine started when I moved in with him - we'd only been together 17weeks when I moved into his house - but I now know that the sexual and psychological abuse started pretty much straight away (not that I knew that then). He started hitting/physically abusing me about 8mnths in, put down to severe stress. I fell pregnant 15months into the relationship, it escalated in a way even then. It didn't get any better even after I left him (I was 8months pregnant when I left him).

midnightswirls

If you feel able, could you share some of your concerns here?

You could get perspectives early on and save so much time and heartache.

Some men do not have an abusive side, I would not be with my partner if he had one.

Mangoes It many ways it's no different from "putting your best foot forward" in the early stages of a relationship and then as you become more relaxed showing your true personality. This won't happen if you adore a guy but fear he's not into you; once you know he's yours then you feel safe in showing your true self.

See, I don't do this. I am my "true self" from the beginning. From my perspective/experience, men seem to do this, and it ranges from "no longer the man I initially liked" to "abusive". I thought maybe some of it was immaturity as we're talking early 20s for some of these... but either way it pisses me off that men do this - turns out the very qualities I'm attracted to aren't real, and I did actually point it out when younger, only to be told "everyone does it". I get that things are a bit different, more exciting etc at the start, but actual personality traits changing - no.

No they don't user, however, some do and some of us have been unfortunate enough to experience it.

See, I don't do this. confused I am my "true self" from the beginning. From my perspective/experience, men seem to do this, and it ranges from "no longer the man I initially liked" to "abusive". I thought maybe some of it was immaturity as we're talking early 20s for some of these... but either way it pisses me off that men do this - turns out the very qualities I'm attracted to aren't real, and I did actually point it out when younger, only to be told "everyone does it".

Yes. I am my true self from the beginning; how else could I see whether they like my true self?

But there seem to be quite some people who aren't much interested in being loved for who they are; an acquaintance told me she was tricked into a relationship by a man who pretend to be a completely different person for years.
Apparently this was not just his hiding his abusiveness (though he did financially abuse her), or hiding bad habits that he was ashamed of, but faking entire personality traits.

I suppose it has something to do with seeing women as objects. If I own an object, I own it, it doesn't matter what the object thinks of me.
Whether you are loved for your true self is only relevant if you think of other people as people.

Platinum thanks I may try that. flora well a few examples are today we were out and looked around a shop. A plaque said something about being the boss and he said I def need this as he is now a new boss too. I said you think you are do you in everything and he said yes. Sometimes I'll talk about friends and he will say in a jokey way "you don't have no friends". When we are in the car and he's driving he will grab my hand and put it on his leg. I've taken it away and he will take it back again. Not aggressively, I said why do you do that and he said I just like it. He's never had a serious or remotely long relationship. I'm his first serious gf. But on the other hand he is very loving and caring. When I've been upset he's been very empathic. Compliments me a lot. Does a lot for me. He does know about my abusive ex.

midnightswirls those are not good signs, especially the one about you not having friends. One tactic abusers use is to try and alienate you from your friends so you end up isolated with no support or perspective. I'd be wary of that one. Did you read the link I posted upthread about are you dating an abuser?

destiny I know this is why I'm weary. I was with an abuser before who's my sons dad. I was in a refuge and went through a course but only completed half as I moved out half way through it. I just tell him where to go when he says that but he still says it from time to time which grates on me a bit

This thread makes me so sad - all of these terrible men damaging the lives of women and children left right and centre.

I hope everyone on here who needs the strength to leave finds it, and those who left are heroes.

I am not in an abusive relationship, nor have I ever been, but I grew up in a household where my mother was emotionally abused by her partner. I promised myself I'd choose better and thankfully I seem to have.

Everything deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion and I hope you all find it.

Mine first screamed in my face within two weeks, I had passive aggressive behaviour within a week - I lasted 10 months he just got worse ending in physical abuse.

Moanyoldcow you're so lucky that you didn't end up in an abusive relationship. I know lucky isn't the right word. And maybe when these things are extreme they're easier to notice. Of course. My mother never abused me verbally but she disapproved of everything and manipulated me with silence/praise. So when I met my kids' Dad and he did the exact same thing, controlling me with silent disapproval (at first) or a response, something inside me went 'bingo i'm home''.

It is incomprehensible to me now but my x had a screamig fit at me before we moved in together. I should have just run for the hills but I thought that I could make him seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. That same feeling I used to have with my parents. I just needed to make them seeeeeeee that I'm not being a brat if I disagree with them, I'm not ungrateful if I reject their advice, I'm not being awkward if I can't go to their house every Sunday. I'm not being melodramatic if I had psychotherapy. We never talk about that obviously.

Platinum is right. It's so very easy to fall in to, particularly if abuse has been the norm. My mother too was both physically and emotionally abusive. I know realise that in trying to escape her, I married someone exactly like her. I'm also a person that cares because I suspect I wanted to be different to her, so along came Mr. Fragile and her I was, Ms. Caring. Manipulated and gaslighted, insulted, belittled for years. I justified it by saying he'd never hit me. I have threads on here going back to 2014 saying he'd never hit me. Only he did, but because I wasn't being beaten, I couldn't see it. He'd push into me so I banged into cupboards or door frames, throw things at me, shut doors as he was passing and I was coming through. They were all 'accidents'. It's so easy to miss what's under your nose, particularly when you've lived with it all your life.

You're right @Platinum - I FEEL lucky as I see it everywhere.

My mum was so obviously unhappy that when she died suddenly I thought she'd killed herself. It wasn't that, but it was awake up call - to make sure I never allowed myself to be in a relationship like that.

People think I'm bolshy, opinionated and outspoken. I am and I think it's probably kept abusive men at bay as I didn't seem like I'd be worth the hassle.

I honestly cry at some of the posts on here - I wish I could give strength to all of the oppressed and abused women I see posting to leave those hideous relationships.

Alcohol was the trigger for me.

Mine was before we were even officially together or even seeing each other, to my shame I kissed someone he knew on a night out and he flew off the handle. I took that to mean he really cared. He was violent about 8 months in, just after I officially moved in with him.

I'm glad you've avoided it moany, it's good to know some people do. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I too am bolshy and outspoken. Or at least I was, until he got to work on me. I think I was a challenge. So please do be careful anyway.

Mine showed flags right from the start, not that I could see it. It escalated but even the physical abuse came quite quickly, although he didn't put his hands to my throat until he had me quite well trapped. There was always a reason though, usually my fault. I would say, with hindsight, the subtle pressure to do things I didn't want to was the first sign, and it was from the word go.

Thinking back, the physical stuff started with him standing in front of me, blocking me. So for example I would come is with baby DS and I would be loaded down with bags of shopping. He'd come charging down the stars and make a big deal of greeting DS, crouching down by the buggy blocking the entire hall so I couldn't get past. He'd keep me like that for a good few minutes and if I said anything he'd look at me with this weird, smug and disapproving at the same time expression on his face and say "I am saying hello to my son!" Later that progressed to using the buggy to shove me down stairs on the tube. He'd be at the top I would be at the bottom and he'd walk really fast so that I would have to speed up or be shoved down the stairs. It got much worse but that's how it started.