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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long does it take for men to show their abusive side?

80 replies

BBCNewsRave · 07/04/2017 13:31

Sorry if this is a stupid question, just wondering about a ballpark figure.

It's not specific to anyone - I am single. But I don't want to make any more mistakes. I used to ignore major red flags so thought not doing that would be enough, but I'm scared. So many, many men seem to be conditioned to treat women badly.

So - how long until you can be reasonably sure they don't have a hidden dark side?

OP posts:
user1487854472 · 07/04/2017 20:52

My husband was honestly the perfect husband. Until I was pregnant. That was when he first became physically violent. This escalated beyond belief when my daughter arrived, to the point that I feared how far he could actually go.

RawPotatoes · 07/04/2017 21:11

I agree with those who says the abuse often starts when the power balance shifts one way or another.

When I became pregnant my DH showed an ugly side that I had previously been unaware of. Similarly, he becomes much more unpleasant when my physical health is frail (I have a chronic condition).

Also, trying to leave. My DH is at his nastiest if he thinks I am trying to leave.

VestalVirgin · 08/04/2017 16:44

Your friends not liking him is the first red flag you can rely on actually noticing, I think.

I'd even go so far as to say that you should run for the hills if more than one of your friends openly doesn't like the guy.

I tend to try very hard to get along with the partners of my friends. And wouldn't say something negative about them, as I don't want my friends to be angry at me.
It would take something pretty bad for me to actually say that I don't like the man.

So if you trust your friends and they have never interfered with your love life before, and suddenly, more than one of them doesn't like your new guy - big red flag!

Also, trying to leave. My DH is at his nastiest if he thinks I am trying to leave.

I hope you can escape. Flowers
It is very common for abusers to get nastier whenever their victim wants to leave. Better not to let them notice if you are planning to leave, and you better hide after leaving.

BubblingUp · 08/04/2017 18:05

1st date - rude to the waitress, future faking, drinks too much and then asks if he can finish my drink, impatient, asks if I need money, "confesses" he isn't legally single, but essentially single, talks on and on about his ex-wife and how he didn't want a divorce and he isn't sure what he did wrong.

wherearemymarbles · 08/04/2017 18:18

If he has them, see how he treats his animals, especially when they dont do as they are told. Thats how he'll treat his children and just as likely you!!

wherearemymarbles · 08/04/2017 18:23

Oh and a narcissist will never own cats! (Well thats my theory anyway!)

HowamIgoingtocope · 08/04/2017 18:24

When he realised he no longer had control of me 4 years ago. We have been separated 6

summerfling · 08/04/2017 18:37

My ex DP showed his true colours from day one, I didn't think we'd last so ignored it!

As soon as I fell pregnant & I mean the same bloody day I told him, he changed! Stepped it up.

Seems he's changed in a good way for the new gf though! Hmm

merville · 08/04/2017 19:33

About 3/4 months.
Wrote it off as a one-off (and also I wasn't 'strong' enough to end the relationship at that time so kept on seeing him; the same behaviour repeated at intervals until I finished (controlling, jealous, verbally abusive, explosive).

Heard it said people can't (entirely) hide who they are for more than 3 months; but clearly from some other posts some can.

Dawndonnaagain · 08/04/2017 20:07

He had me pushed up against a wall in 6 weeks. Hands round my throat at six months. I stayed for over 20 years.

xStefx · 08/04/2017 20:13

I was 16 when I met ex dp. He was 27. Everything was fine the first year until my parents moved away and I moved in with him. That's when it started. Got worse with drink and then when I got pregnant was at it's worst: seemed to be a pattern of when I was down he would use that opportunity to make sure I stayed down.

VestalVirgin · 08/04/2017 20:21

Oh and a narcissist will never own cats! (Well thats my theory anyway!)

That's interesting because I once met a guy who was very self-centred, but somehow cute in this ( much like a cat) and absolutely loved and adored cats and wanted to own one.
(That was a guy who my brain told me was absolutely bad news, but my gut instinct found him adorable. Since I listened to my brain, I have no idea what he's doing now.)

Seems he's changed in a good way for the new gf though!

Is she pregnant yet? Hmm

RawPotatoes · 09/04/2017 08:06

I've met a narcissist who owned cats! He also loathed his mother, his wife, and his ex - who had called the police on him after he pinned her up against the wall. He had no female, or indeed male friends, had by his own admission used sex workers and was aroused by sexual violence. So just a few red flags there then!

summersoversnoopy · 09/04/2017 08:07

as soon as we were married, his true colours came out and he hit me for the first time three months after we got married, he 'forgot' my birthday that year too - I stayed for 15years and have dcs. Leaving was the best thing I did

mathanxiety · 09/04/2017 08:14

For me it was about two months after we started dating. He lost the plot over dishes left in the sink by his housemates. My thought at the time was very naive - 'how nice that he notices a messy kitchen'. He was actually displaying rage that would eventually be directed at me. There was so much more where that came from. He needed to be angry with some target, to feel superior to someone.

RawPotatoes, I hope you will find a way Star

floraeasy · 09/04/2017 08:15

What is it about pregnancy that sets it off?

The fact that life doesn't revolve around them anymore and your attention is on the baby?

RawPotatoes · 09/04/2017 08:38

IMO, he thinks that pregnancy means you really are 'his'. You are fully committed and it's going to be much, much harder - almost impossible - for you to leave.

Thanks, mathanxiety and VestalVirgin. Things are OK most days, with the exceptions I mentioned.

yetmorecrap · 09/04/2017 09:50

My h told me he started his emotional affair because my 7. Years old son (at the time) and me made him feel lonely and unwanted, I don't think he liked it when total focus wasn't 100% on him

mathanxiety · 10/04/2017 02:54

Don't settle for that, RawPotatoes.
He is not awful every day because that would take too much energy.

Gallavich · 10/04/2017 03:47

Pregnancy takes the focus off the man and onto the woman/baby.
Abusive men are often extremely needy and will do anything to have their needs met. When they meet a codependent caregiving type it often appears a match made in heaven as the caregiver gets lots of lovely validation as the abuser hands out relationship sweeties because he's having his needs met.
Then everyone starts focusing on the pregnant woman and talking about how special she is and how she needs caring for and he doesn't like it. This gets amplified a million times when the baby is born. So the abuser resorts to more extreme behaviour to get his needs met and the caregiver doesn't understand where her lovely man went, so she tried hard to get him back again and the cycle continues.

blackteasplease · 10/04/2017 06:59

These are all fascinating.

I didn't know the term future faking until I read this. My EA stbxh was talking about having six kids together a few weeks into the relationship. Doesn't sound that appealing to most, but he knew I had issues with this because of a situation where children with me would never have been "good enough" for ex before him. Also for many years talked about how when we had kids he would get up with them and take them swimming so I could lie in. Needless to say that never happened when we had our two.

Early signs with him were 1. Being really unreliable and messing with plans on the day they were due to happen, even knowing this upset me - my parents disliked him for this early on, 2. Not showing up where he was meant to be with no message or contact about it, 3. trying to police what I had to drink on a night out - a subtle one because it sounded like he was looking out for me. Same with smoking. 4. One we moved in together (but renting and no kids so could have got out) getting really upset about housework - would never do any without getting worked up and couldnt do it if I wasnt do it at same time, 5. starting rows if we had trouble getting back from somewhere on transport but wouldnt ever agree to a taxi 6. just going into moods for no real reason 7. telling me not to go out after work even though it was fine to do the same 8. sulking and having a go at me all through a meal out if he didnt like the place or had gone off the idea at a late stage (or had got pissed beforehand). Same if he didn't like my choice of activity or destination for a holiday.

That looks like a lot but it all seemed minor at the time. Until we had kids!

floraeasy · 10/04/2017 08:46

IMO, he thinks that pregnancy means you really are 'his'. You are fully committed and it's going to be much, much harder - almost impossible - for you to leave

God, that's awful! Shock

So it's like they're almost lying in wait, waiting for the chance when you are caught in the trap and they can really get going with their abuse. Really predatory.

debbs77 · 10/04/2017 09:16

Mine showed his hand within one month! I actually left the relationship for a month then ended up getting back in touch. Five years and two children later I kicked him out.

I agree with looking at the parents. I recently dated someone (I ended it because it was boring and he couldn't hold a conversation) and his parents and family dynamic were lovely!

debbs77 · 10/04/2017 09:32

And actually, even on OLD men often show themselves in just how they write, and what they say. For example, sarcasm, putting themselves down etc.

A guy messaged me yesterday asking if he could have my sexy eyes

In a first kiss last week, the guy put his hands on my neck a little more forcefully than I would say is comfortable.

BLOCKED!

floraeasy · 10/04/2017 10:02

Yes, we need to learn more about red flags. They are the tiny clues that could save us from entering the trap in the first place. Every bad rel'p I have had showed those clues and I missed them. I came from an EA family though so that muddied the waters for me.

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