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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband put his hands round my kneck

74 replies

CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 20:40

Hi all,
I don't no why I am writing this as I know what I need to do. I think I just need to get it out.

Before I start, so as not to drip feed, I should say I have BPD. Part of this means I experience intense mood swings from incredibly low, to manic. When I am manic I become very silly and childish. I am on medication to manage this and it helps but I still sometimes suffer manic episodes.

Last night whilst me and my husband were lieing in bed I was being quite manic. For some reason I thought it was funny to make up silly pet names for my husband. These weren't offensive names just things like "my little alligator". At the time I found this hilarious and despite my husband asking me several times to stop I continued making up names and laughing.

My husband became increasingly annoyed with me and after about 10 minutes lept on top of me and held me down by the neck saying "you need to stop". I panicked and bought my knees up, kicking him in the groin which made him get off me. He then lay down and went to sleep.

This morning I have bruising on my shoulders and neck. Neither of us have mentioned it.

I am in shock. I know I was being silly but he has never reacted in an aggressive or violent manner before.

I know I need to leave. This can't happen again. But where do I go?!?! What do I say to people?!?! And what about the kids. I don't no how I will cope with them and my mental health.

OP posts:
Thattimeofyearagain · 06/04/2017 20:42

Hand around the neck is a huge red flag, he could kill you!

LivingForHim · 06/04/2017 20:43

Hmm well you assaulted him too. Don't really know what to say to you. Is your "bpd" really an excuse to verbal abuse him?

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 20:45

Maybe I am minimising but I don't think I was being verbally abusive. I was calling him cute pet names like he calls me his little duck. Not offensive, aggressive name.

OP posts:
LivingForHim · 06/04/2017 20:46

This reply has been deleted

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Bananamama1213 · 06/04/2017 20:46

It's all good saying you should leave. But it may not be for the best...

Is he usually supportive?

My husband (before we had any children) once backed my up into a corner and did the same. He has NEVER done that kind of thing before and it shocked us both. I was having a go at him for smoking a cigarette in the house.

We didn't really talk about it but this was around 7 years ago, and he hasn't done it since.

If my husband did it again (been together 9 years now) then I would speak to him. To find out why. Especially if it's out of character!

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 20:47

Thank you, livingforhim. I hadn't thought about it like that.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 06/04/2017 20:50

What are you waiting for, him to close off your carotid arteries? Next time you could be dead before you have a chance to defend yourself.

BPD or not, this is not on. What happens when DC piss him off? There are other ways of DH expressing frustration that are considerably less life-threatening.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 06/04/2017 20:51

You need to get back to see your doctor tomorrow. .
This is a dangerous relationship for both of you. .
I heard my dil goading my ds like this until he slapped her. They moved in together and it got worse. . She frequently assaulted him and he would restrain her causing bruises. . I never knew who to believe about incident after incident until I actually caught her stabbing herself in the legs with scissors!! They are split now with a poor ds stuck in the mess.
This could end badly for either of you op if you don't speak to someone.

magoria · 06/04/2017 20:52

In what world does calling someone silly names make it acceptable for them to pin the other person down and put their hands hard enough around their throat to bruise them in places?

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 20:52

To be fair to my husband he is an amazing dad and I have no doubt that he would never hurt the children. He is so patient with them.

However I do not feel safe now, wrongly or rightly, I can't imagine ever not thinking "what if he does it again?!"

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/04/2017 20:54

Not a great relationship however you look at it. You were incredibly annoying. He shouldn't have snapped.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 20:54

No matter what you said it does not justify hands around your neck

Please do not listen to excuses for domestic violence. Livingforhim you should be ashamed of yourself.

Why did he simply not giet up out of bed if he was finding you so annoying ?

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 20:55

There seems to be a fair bit of different opinion on who was in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have posted, it's confusing rather than helping. I do appreciate everyone taking to time to reply though.

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 06/04/2017 20:59

Hands around the neck is a huge red flag, Quacks. Yes, you were annoying him and you should have stopped. But he could have walked away at any point. He should not have reacted so violently. I think you are right in saying that you need to leave.

BIWI · 06/04/2017 21:02

How on earth is calling someone a silly name assaulting them?!

Some seriously shit perspective there, LivingforHim; interesting username too Hmm

OP - I think you do need to separate yourself from him - but it should be him who leaves, not you. He was the one who reacted so violently.

BIWI · 06/04/2017 21:03

And he isn't an amazing dad if he would do this to you.

picklemepopcorn · 06/04/2017 21:05

If one of your children was calling the other names, and they responded in such a way that bruises were left around their neck and chest, who would you be cross with?

As for you kicking him off, that was self defence. You are in a very difficult position. Could you parent unsupported?

twattymctwatterson · 06/04/2017 21:07

Op please don't listen to the apologists who seem to think annoying someone is an excuse for physical violence.

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 21:09

I am lucky that my parents are very supportive so if I left him I would not be completely alone. I couldn't live with my parents though (they have a tiny house) so I don't no where I would go.

I don't really have many friends because I find maintaining relationships difficult.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 06/04/2017 21:15

OP, you have to talk to DH about this.

Find out what was going on in his head when he decided that strangulation was the solution.

MrsEvadneCake · 06/04/2017 21:16

So if your child calls you names being giddy and they don't stop would it be ok to throttle them??? NO.

He was in the wrong. End of. If you don't feel safe that's your answer. At least get some space and think.

No name calling or arguing is ever justification for laying your hands on another person aggressively.

ohfourfoxache · 06/04/2017 21:16

Fucking hell - some of the posts on here are utterly disgraceful Shock

There is NEVER an excuse to be physically aggressive. NEVER NEVER NEVER

He has crossed a line and you can't go back from it. You need to end your relationship. Once he has put his hands round your neck, statistically, it is far more likely to escalate.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 21:22

Please do not talk to your partner about his domestic violence. Leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2017 21:23

I'm astounded. Of course there is no excuse for putting your hands around your partners neck. Who are all these apologists for domestic violence?

If he is a good man, ask him to leave for a while. It's very serious and he needs to seek help.

Original poster
CleverQuacks · 06/04/2017 21:28

Thanks for the input guys. I don't think he will leave if I ask him. He will say this is his house to (joint mortgage) so if I want us to separate then I should leave. I don't want to leave the kids though.

He is out tonight and will probably be drunk when he gets home so I don't want to talk to him about it until atleast tomorrow.

OP posts: