Is it ever really a shock?

[ChocolateDoll]

Is there anyone here who has discovered a partner's / husband's affair, and who can genuinely and truly say that it was an absolute shock? A complete bolt from the blue in what you thought was a very mutually happy marriage? Something that, the day before the betrayal was uncovered, you'd have said was totally not possible?

I've just been thinking back to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. I never really believed it until confronted with the evidence, but with hindsight, I knew all along. I knew something wasn't right, but it's like my brain chose to believe what I wanted to believe. Almost like I tricked myself. I really wouldn't have believed it at the time, and it's only now that I'm emotionally removed from the situation that I can see that I bloody did know! I knew all along if I'd dared to rven think it.

I'm just wondering how common this is, or whether there are lots of examples of affairs where it was a genuine shock in a very happy relationship. And where even with hindsight, you can still look back and know that there was no way you saw that coming.

Not sure if I'm making sense. Just wondering about relationships and trying not to repeat some of my past mistakes!

I can't help but wonder how those who did all of this crud to us would feel if they read this thread. I am rather tempted to send a link but then the rational part of me knows that it won't achieve anything.

My ex wouldn't care. He's justified and spun himself into the unhappy victim since it first came out. It was all my own fault, always nagging, let myself go after having a baby, I was lazy and a bad mother blah blah blah.

my feeling now is the most loyal guy it seems can be just as much of an idiot if the circumstances are right
Sadly, I now agree.

We'd just returned from a lovely wedding anniversary weekend away - our 28th actually - and I'd felt relaxed and positive about the future. We share a business and things had been manic but I'd had no doubts on the personal front.
Absolutely poleaxed when I found out (anonymous phone call) a few days after we got home.
Still share the business and home but no longer any feelings my side.

Goody, I'm in same position with business etc but plan to move out

Gosh what heartbreaking stories

I've been cheated on before but when I was a lot younger and before kids etc so it wasn't the same as it would be now that I'm married with children etc.

I remember my mum calling me moments after finding a valentines card to my dad from her best friend. She couldn't breathe properly, she didn't even sound like her. It completely changed her from that day forward and I hope all the time that my DH would never do that to me.

I find it hard to put 100% trust in anyone due to my mums experience and other people's.
Even with my husband I always hold a little piece back in case it happens to me, it's like a little defence wall I suppose although I'm not sure how much good it would do should the worst happen!

I noticed this morning in the mirror I have lots of broken hair and my grey hairs are multiplying furiously.

Never realised before

Hi littleredpear - I recognise your name from old threads. Hope you are ok

I've had hair loss for a number of years, it is very fine now and I am slowly losing it from the front. It breaks off, so I have short tutfy bits and then disappears. I wonder now if it was caused by trauma and anxiety?
Can it be reversed?

Did me. Been on holiday 2 weeks before. Romantic dinners, holding hands, mad sex, fun and games, intimate moments.
Found out later they were texting each other whilst we were on holiday. when asked about texts they said it was DD.
Family and friends all shocked.
5 years on, single, independent and loving it. They did me a favour. Bless 'em

Thank you Janine

It's the trust thing that I think people don't get when they say they're surprised at the shock. If you love someone and you believe they love you back, you trust them. A spouse is the one person you trust won't hurt you.
So when they say they're stressed at work, you believe them. When they say they had to work late, you believe them. Why would it occur to you to think otherwise?
And when your instincts tell you there's something wrong, you try to talk to them and they tell you there's nothing wrong. That you have an anxiety problem. That you're being unfair with your lack of trust. And you believe them. And you either find out quickly and get the shock of your life because the one person you trusted not to lie to about big things, was lying to your face all along. Or you don't find out quickly and your confidence and belief in your own instincts erode until you're a mental wreck.
That's what they don't get. It's not about a bit of sex on the side. It's the deliberate and calculated deceit from the person you trust most that's the killer.
I'm not sure I'll ever be in another relationship. Even if I were to imagine the most lovely and outwardly trustworthy man, I'd still struggle to trust him. I think that bit of me is broken.
But then, I know that I would never cheat. There must be decent men out there in the same boat, who've been cheated on and know how devastating it is and would sooner grow wings than do it themselves. Still, even then I'd always be waiting for the hammer to fall.

Total shock, I would have thought that I was more likely to cheat than XH.

Nutterfly

Your post is so articulate. You have described the messed up thoughts in my head so well. I'm a numbers person, I find literacy hard. I find the words don't sound like my brain wants them to.

I would like to borrow them the next time I explain my thoughts.

I hope you don't mind and think that it's a compliment to you that I can use them to explain myself

Ladies. It does go away I promise. I remember wishing for death it felt so wretched. I thought I'd never move in, lost a ridiculous amount of weight in weeks, the anxiety was raging constantly I remember my chewing gum disintegrating in my mouth from the acid I was producing.
Nice friends, lovejy plans and sheer bloody determination gets you through it.
I have literally never experienced pain like it and yet I never even think about it all now. Sending you all positive vibes and thoughts.
Remember every day is another step closer to feeling normal again.

Nutterfly - I feel you could be writing that about my situation. Amazing how similar all our experiences are.

Ledkr - thanks for sharing, it's good to hear you've come out the other side.

I think it's a sort of humiliation too. I felt so stupid for believing that he was loyal, and looking back at certain occasions I want to kick myself at how bloody obvious it was. The only reason I didn't click was because I never thought he would cheat, and because it was a family member I assumed it must be above board. Nothing would shock me now, and I never feel confident that soneone is loyal to me.

Totally get you Nutterfly. I am now out there on the dating scene and socialising, when a married person hits on me they get a mouthful and are sent packing. I have been known to upset a few and spoil their evenings, but I couldn't give a shit.

I know someone who was totally surprised by her exh's affair. She was 7 months pg when she found out. 20 years later still maintains she didn't see it coming.

I actually asked my exh if he was seeing someone else. He was. I didn't really expect him to say yes but I clearly knew something wasn't right.

Nutterfly you have it nailed. I was not working with a toddler and we were trying for another baby, buying a new house, building a life together. He was the last person who I thought would cheat and thought it was me going mad by even suspecting it.

If I hadn't seen the proof and taken copies he would have sworn blind there was noone else.

Like everyone else I was freezing cold for several weeks, couldn't eat, struggled with the basics and felt emotionally numb for about a year.

For a while we tried counselling and seeing each other to put the marriage back - he never gave up ow though and eventually I discovered yet another revelation and filed for divorce.

Putting my life back together has been the hardest, most stressful thing I have ever done. Starting a new job, having a 2 year old, divorce stress all at once - I don't know how I got through it. I'm now 2 years on and happier than I have been for a long time. My next step feels like entering the dating pool but the idea of getting close to someone again is just too daunting.

I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. Having said that I now know that I have huge reserves of resilience, brilliant friends and a tight bond with dd. I also count my blessings that I discovered what he was like relatively early on in my marriage and before I had been out of the workforce for too long.

I knew something was wrong from the moment my H started his affair. I even asked him in a roundabout way and he denied it.

When I found out - by snooping - I was shocked but not shocked. I had stopped thinking he was cheating and thought that he was just very unhappy with our marriage and on the brink of leaving. When he told me my world did that tilting on it's axis thing, that someone else described. My legs collapsed. I went on and made dinner and lunches for the kids for school the next day etc. Then I went to bed and could barely get out of it for a week. My world was shattered and I couldn't deal with anything more than taking my kids to school and then pretending I was ok for the 4 hours between school pick up and bedtime.

So a huge shock...but not entirely.

Gosh these stories are heartbreaking. I truly believe that time is a great healer and that, despite all of these stories, there are some decent men out there. I really hope everyone that has posted here can find their happy ending

Good for you Andy. Be a dear and put yourself to bed.