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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it ever really a shock?

104 replies

ChocolateDoll · 04/04/2017 23:38

Is there anyone here who has discovered a partner's / husband's affair, and who can genuinely and truly say that it was an absolute shock? A complete bolt from the blue in what you thought was a very mutually happy marriage? Something that, the day before the betrayal was uncovered, you'd have said was totally not possible?

I've just been thinking back to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. I never really believed it until confronted with the evidence, but with hindsight, I knew all along. I knew something wasn't right, but it's like my brain chose to believe what I wanted to believe. Almost like I tricked myself. I really wouldn't have believed it at the time, and it's only now that I'm emotionally removed from the situation that I can see that I bloody did know! I knew all along if I'd dared to rven think it.

I'm just wondering how common this is, or whether there are lots of examples of affairs where it was a genuine shock in a very happy relationship. And where even with hindsight, you can still look back and know that there was no way you saw that coming.

Not sure if I'm making sense. Just wondering about relationships and trying not to repeat some of my past mistakes!

OP posts:
Agatha44 · 05/04/2017 20:07

Complete shock! Before the shit hit the fan I didn't believe that your blood could run cold. I now know that indeed it does. I couldn't regulate my body temperature for days after, I guess that was my body reacting to the shock. I had no idea.
He was probably the last person anyone would have guessed could cause this amount of pain and suffering. It takes all sorts I guess!

MsGameandWatch · 05/04/2017 20:14

I've been single since we split 8 years ago. People say "oh you need to meet someone else". I know that not all men are like my ex but I cannot risk my sanity on ever coming across or being vulnerable to that behaviour again. I could never trust and without that there's no point. I think I was damaged so badly that I will never be the same again. I think that's possible just like some physical injuries are so bad that the limb or body part never properly recovers or works right again that can be the same with mental injuries too.

fedupandnogin · 05/04/2017 20:29

I couldn't regulate my body temperature for days after, I guess that was my body reacting to the shock.
Happened to me too!

Bones2017 · 05/04/2017 20:34

I knew I had to start forcing food down when my teeth actually started to ache! X

littleredpear · 05/04/2017 21:14

Me.

Rug pulled out from under my feet. I'm still not upright after 15 months.

I'll never get back to the level of happy I was or the trust I had. I've left everyone speechless when told. Happy, committed, loving, family centred, fulfilled, model husband and uncle. He helped me through my dads affair and my parents split. He saw what it did. His parents went through the same.

Nobody is perfect.

littleredpear · 05/04/2017 21:16

Oh yes to the shock thing. I still shake with cold, had to resort to gel nails, weight goes up and down constantly.

My teeth were chattering in work the other day.

I just have to think about the whole thing and I start wanting to throw up.

Original poster
ChocolateDoll · 05/04/2017 21:30

Really amazed to hear some of these responses. Thank you for sharing Flowers

It is very insightful to hear other people's experiences. For me, the grief was huge and I was shocked but not to the extent of some of these examples. I was shocked that yes, it was actually true. But I wasn't so shocked that it had happened, if that makes sense.

I can't imagine how anyone (mostly men?) can manage to have such all round, happy relationships with sex, laughter, and lots of talking whilst carrying on with someone else.

If there's just a bit of distance in the relationship, even if not due to work / babies etc...then it makes a bit more sense. Not excusable at all, but just a bit more understandable.

Has anybody ever managed to forgive and move on together from an affair that was such a profound shock to themselves and everyone around them?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocolateDoll · 05/04/2017 21:31

*even if only due to work/babies....

OP posts:
littleredpear · 05/04/2017 21:37

Trying to move on. I thought I was but the last few weeks now we've stopped counselling, talking about it - I've really felt on a downward spiral.

So not moving on at all I think.

Bones2017 · 05/04/2017 21:37

Chocolate I've gone through moments where I've thought I'd forgive anything. But now I think would the 'true me' really forgive?? It's so hard when you have kids and you still love them. But aren't you just giving them the green light to do this again?

I know my H would have A LOT of work to do to convince me I was what he wanted for his future if he so said. I know it's hard. But I think now I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with no trust. X

littleredpear · 05/04/2017 21:59

Bones

My life is this.

I want to forgive so badly. Then the voice in my head says, 'Really Pear? You wouldn't see your friends stand for this shit, you're financially fine, young enough and the kids will be fine'.

Then every little inch forward is backwards and I'm a wreck again.

Bones2017 · 05/04/2017 22:01

Hold out. Time does really heal and help you see clearly. You'll soon get to a point where it'll be him having to do the leg working if it's really worth it. Then you know. X

OllyBJolly · 05/04/2017 22:29

I "forgave". Got to be quite friendly with XH and OW.

I did spend about 18 months in the darkness and probably took me that long to realise he wasn't coming back. He was a shit- paid as little as he could and wouldn't see the DCs for months on end. When he did he'd arrive late and be back early. He was basically a good guy who just had no sense of responsibility. He did have a crap childhood himself - mother disappeared, father had no interest, SS involved. The OW was lovely.- really cared for the DCs. Sadly they have now split. We don't have any contact now although DCs still in touch with both.

I was single for a very long time (13 years) and very happy being single. I got back to work (pretty rubbish jobs that didn't cover childcare costs) and eventually have a great career. I believe DCs had a fantastic childhood. I'm completely financially independent and comfortable. Oddly enough , I think my confidence and self belief stems from that terrible time. I learned a lot about myself and had to toughen up. I put myself into situations I would have shied away from before because I had the overwhelming need to know I could pay the bills.

It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but in many ways that pain made me who I am today.

Passthebiscuitspls · 05/04/2017 22:37

My god, all of this thread resonates with me. I've been shocked to my very core at my H's affair. We were the happiest couple you could meet. Laughing, sex, lovely life, the whole package.

More and more of the truth has come out as the months has gone on and I still cannot eat or sleep. He had a double life, the kind that you read about in magazines and think what a stupid woman for not seeing it. That's me. And I'm pretty clever, and savvy.

I'll never trust another man as long as I have breath in my body.

antsinpants · 05/04/2017 22:38

Total and utter shock - came from nowhere, and with my now ex BF. That was almost four years ago and while we reconciled, I will now find it hard to trust my instincts. How could I have possibly not know what was going on? It still baffles me.

IsNotGold · 05/04/2017 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeMcBeastie · 05/04/2017 22:56

It was a shock for me the first time. He had written me a letter telling me 'how much he loved me' only weeks before. He was also very open about his 'friendship' with this woman, he was very open and would tell me he was going to her house. I wasn't happy with the friendship but told myself that if something was going on then he would be more secretive! Obviously not! When he told me he was going to her house for the third time one week I told him I wasn't happy and he then announced he was having an affair and was leaving! This lasted 2 days before he was crying and begging for forgiveness, telling me that he couldn't live without me, would change etc. I did (stupidly) give him another chance and of course he didn't change and despite us going to relate, he was back to his old tricks again a year later. I wasn't surprised at all as he behaved in exactly the same way... Hmm
I would NEVER give a cheat a second chance ever again. The way I see it is that if someone truly loves you then they wouldn't cheat on you. The trust is also gone and can't ever really be regained.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/04/2017 23:16

Another one who experienced utter shock - also the "body temperature" thing

Sounds crazy I know, but when I first found the (thousands of) emails, I had this ridiculous idea that someone had hacked his account and created the whole thing as some sort of vile joke. I just stared at the email address - clearly his - and couldn't realize that the filth I was reading had been written by my husband

How stupid could I have been Sad

IsNotGold · 05/04/2017 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuiteHarmony · 05/04/2017 23:35

The shock for me was not uncovering the affair, as my suspicions had been causing me anxiety for a couple of years. The shock was the discovery in the context of all the lies and planning and deceit that suddenly came out (thank you, Amazon gift history). And the shock was visceral. It was as if someone turned off all the heat. I quaked with cold for months.

SuiteHarmony · 05/04/2017 23:37

My teeth were chattering in work the other day.

Yes. This.

NotJanine · 06/04/2017 07:52

Do they have any idea of the pain they cause?

I remember him saying to me 'I knew you'd be upset' upset??!!

Mollymollymandy123 · 06/04/2017 08:07

I'm in same position as sweet harmony, I suffered terrible anxiety for the duration of his affair so the initial confession wasn't the shock , it was the tales which followed. My body had already started to suffer before the confession, physical changes which led to an appointment with a consultant. When checking through h's phone activity I could see that when I was in the consultant's room being examined, he was communicating with her. Utter, utter disbelief that not only did he have no concern for what was happening to me, it never occurred to him that he was responsible for my health deteriorating. That was a shock.

FritzDonovan · 06/04/2017 08:09

Do they have any idea of the pain they cause?
No, I don't think they do. Seems they usually only care when they get found out, and cover up any slight guilt with aggression or a dismissive attitude.
And after the initial worry is over (if you sort it out), fail to recognise inappropriate boundaries or behaviour which are further triggers.
I think they're mostly oblivious to anything other than their own interests, largely.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2017 08:11

It thought I would try to forgive.
But... literally a day or 2 after saying I would I had to end it.
He was NOT the man I married,
I had no idea someone could hurt me so much.
He went from the man who loved me and would do anything for me to someone who could literally break my heart and almost break me as a person.

I always believe staying and working on things is a much longer and a much harder road. But I have full respect for people who do do this.
I couldn't though.

This is you and your life and your decision.
Don't rush anything.
You will need a couple of months at least to understand if you want to try or not.

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