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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever really a shock?

104 replies

ChocolateDoll · 04/04/2017 23:38

Is there anyone here who has discovered a partner's / husband's affair, and who can genuinely and truly say that it was an absolute shock? A complete bolt from the blue in what you thought was a very mutually happy marriage? Something that, the day before the betrayal was uncovered, you'd have said was totally not possible?

I've just been thinking back to a previous relationship where I was cheated on. I never really believed it until confronted with the evidence, but with hindsight, I knew all along. I knew something wasn't right, but it's like my brain chose to believe what I wanted to believe. Almost like I tricked myself. I really wouldn't have believed it at the time, and it's only now that I'm emotionally removed from the situation that I can see that I bloody did know! I knew all along if I'd dared to rven think it.

I'm just wondering how common this is, or whether there are lots of examples of affairs where it was a genuine shock in a very happy relationship. And where even with hindsight, you can still look back and know that there was no way you saw that coming.

Not sure if I'm making sense. Just wondering about relationships and trying not to repeat some of my past mistakes!

OP posts:

IsNotGold · 06/04/2017 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollymollymandy123 · 06/04/2017 09:03

The tables can turn full circle, now that the enormity of what he's done has sunk in, he's the one in shock at his own behaviour.

CatsDogsandDC · 06/04/2017 09:27

At the time I was amazed. It is only with hindsight that I can see things I should have put together. I have no idea why I did not.

He turned out to have been having affairs all the time we were together and to have been shagging someone at work for the previous two and a half years. They thought her baby was his and she had a paternity test. It turned out to be her husbands. After we split he took up with a new woman also pregnant within a couple of weeks and I know he was dating before then. He married her, I'm sure she thinks she has a lovely bloke whereas he is really this cold, selfish, defective personality.

We were together 30 years. What a waste of my life.

I had the hair and nails thing too. My hair has never really been the same since. I will never get close to anyone again and never trust anyone again. I'd far rather be alone.

Esoteric · 06/04/2017 09:59

Fritz, you have it bang on, because I haven't thrown him out my H seems to feel it's 'business as usual' I guess in his case because it was a very old fling I found out about he didn't suddenly have to change behaviour. mollymolly. Mine said in response to 'I'm devastated''yes I can see that' . I genuinely think emotional distress bypasses many of them

Adrianflank · 06/04/2017 10:10

I was in bed with my ex trying to get to sleep, our phones where next to each other charging up, Facebook message pinged, thought it was mine, went to pick up my phone but picked hers up, was a pretty innocent message on there from a bloke!

Asked her the next day who it was, she came out with the classic " His just a friend, don't worry about it", anyway a few weeks later I ended the relationship, for other reasons, couple weeks later she put on Facebook she was in a new relationship with guess who

But I had fell out of love with her before we split up and I couldn't give a toss

Bones2017 · 06/04/2017 10:20

Molly I'll cling to your words with hope! 😂

IrianOfW · 06/04/2017 10:21

Of course it was!

I knew something wasn't right - but when I asked him he told he was stressed about work. So I believed him. I would have believed anything sooner than he was having an affair.

When I finally began to suspect there might be someone else I still didn't really beleive it was possible - I expected to find nothing.

When I did find evidence I was utterly shocked - I mean 'finding out your mother is an alien' type of shock.

I had been with DH for 30 years - married for nearly 20 - I know better than myself - of all the things I could accuse him of, disloyalty and betrayal weren't amongst them. Wrong

I would be the first to admit our marriage wasn't in good shape - but still didn't expect it.

I always bristle when I hear people say 'it can't really have been a shock' as it is the kind of thing OW and OM like to say to exonerate themselves and to place blame on the BS - 'hey, he/she's so complacent and lazy that he/she chooses to look the other way'....er.. no! Perhaps he/she trusts her partner? !

SoupDragon · 06/04/2017 10:22

Me.

IrianOfW · 06/04/2017 10:23

Nail ridges? That explains it. Thanks

wibblywobblyfish · 06/04/2017 10:32

I can remember the moment my DP spilled the beans with terrifying clarity. He said 'sit down, I've got something to tell you and it's not good news' the way he worded it made me think he was going to tell me he had cancer. He then paused for what seemed like ages and I remember just shrieking at him to tell me what it was. The moment the words came out of his mouth gave me the same feeling as when you go over the first bump on a rollercoaster, I went really cold, my ears were ringing and my head spinning. I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to fetch the youngest from nursery in the car. I had no idea that DP had cheated.

OllyBJolly · 06/04/2017 11:53

Perhaps he/she trusts her partner

I think it's important to remember this. I remember telling a very good friend how stupid I felt that I had no idea. The affair had been going on for a year - before birth of DD2. We were accepting people's congratulations about being such a lovely family while he was shagging the office junior. We went on holiday and he had to phone work every day because there was a huge issue developing. Now I know what it was!

Friend said the only fault I had was that I trusted someone who didn't deserve that trust. In comparison to destroying a family you helped create then that's nothing. He told me not to let someone's faults define who I am. That did make me feel better about myself. Eventually. Took a while.

Trickycat · 06/04/2017 15:35

OllyB. Yes it took a long time with many people telling me many things before I started to feel better. I actually had to forgive myself for not seeing that he was up to something - which was ridiculous, he hid it incredibly well. But the whole thing was a torment, a huge amount of pain I could not have comprehended beforehand.

Mindfuckery · 06/04/2017 16:10

Things hadn't been "quite right" but I couldn't fathom what was wrong. I used to ask H if there was anything wrong & he would always reply that he was stressed with work.
Summer 2016 we seemed to become closer and we started doing more together.
November 2016 found condoms and eventually found out he'd been having sex with prostitutes for over 30 years!
TOTAL SHOCK I would never have thought that this was possible in a million years. He seemed such a good person with a strong moral code. My friends are in disbelief too.

Original poster

ChocolateDoll · 06/04/2017 18:43

Given the huge, huge level of grief involved, I wonder if it is always better to know than stay kept in the dark.

Sometimes I look back at my blissfully unaware days and think, I could still be living that.

OP posts:

MrsWhirly · 06/04/2017 18:46

My husband had a one night stand in the early part of our marriage. I found out.

I can honestly say I have never been so shocked in my life. I genuinely did not expect or see it coming.

TwentyCups · 06/04/2017 18:50

We weren't married but yes. An absolute shock to me and all my friends who knew us. I would have thought he was the last man on earth who would cheat. Turned out he had been sleeping with a family member of his the whole time. I would never have suspected, who worries about their partner being with family?

It's left me with huge trust issues.

BlueHairbrush · 06/04/2017 18:59

Within days of finding out my DH had slept with one of his employees I also found out one of my friends was cheating on her DH. Totally life changing. I never would have believed it from either of them. Not sure who to trust now...

GretaBritain · 06/04/2017 19:13

This reminds me of so many awful memories.

Three years ago ExDP was always irritated and miserable and a closed book when I was asking why???Everything, no matter how trivial, was my fault. He blamed it on his Dad's death and 'life' being hard.

Found out via his text messages (after never going near his phone in 15 years I thought if I checked messages and he had moaned about me to family I could get a clue).

Text message open with OW saying how ammmmaaazzing last night was.

My god the shock.

I stood up to go downstairs and my legs gave way. I was shaking so much. It was like an out of body experience...a part of me was thinking...'What's this?'. I felt like I had been hit by a car.

When I looked through some other messages he had written so much to denigrate me to the OW. I still can't believe all he wrote.

They now live together.

I've never been the same. I try. I appear ok but I think something was knocked out of me that day and it's not coming back. You would never guess this if you met me. The kids think ExDP and I have a great relationship...that is how well I hide it.

I don't think they realise the implications when they do it. I didn't realise myself but much love and strength to anyone going through it...it's needed. X

podrig · 06/04/2017 19:17

Sometimes MN makes me wonder whether there are any men who don't cheat

jumpingjellyfishsquids · 06/04/2017 20:05

These stories are really hard to read, but told with such dignity

Trickycat · 06/04/2017 20:28

Gretabritain, how horrible for you. It's so selfish isn't it? Cheaters are entitled. They want cake and will justify it to themselves. I was so taken in by my cheater; I thought we had the same values but I was very wrong.

CharlieBoo · 06/04/2017 20:38

Happily married, or so I thought... model husband, father, provider, but something made me open his bank statement and go through his laptop bag.. he seemed different and I couldn't put my finger on it..

There it all was, hotel and meal receipts and my heart pounded so hard I thought it was going to come out of my chest! The shock was incredible.. my life was shattered that evening and I am still feeling the repurcussions now..

Esoteric · 06/04/2017 21:12

Because they are not the ones who have been 'shat on' , I think few understand how it is to have months of stomache churning, no sleep, chronic anxiety, mental gymnastics , in my case I could not stop needing to pee urgently! All horrible stuff. I am still at home, still ducks in a row stuff, still bleeding angry and 'detaching' mentally . I didn't expect to be having Counselling about it in my 50s . In his case it was something from 11 years ago that went on for about 18 months but I was gas lighted to for years and only found out more by accident 4 months ago. I had totally built my life and business around him, Never ever again.my feeling now is the most loyal guy it seems can be just as much of an idiot if the circumstances are right

Trustyourself2 · 06/04/2017 21:18

I suppose it wasn't really a shock, but it was devastating. I won't be shocked if I ever get involved again and it happens. Sad thing is, these days, I'd be expecting/waiting for it to happen

HeavenlyEyes · 06/04/2017 21:36

the shock for me was absolute - felt like my whole world and everything I had ever believed in had shifted completely on its axis and I had to live in a new, unfounded reality. The hair loss and nail ridges were awful.

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