Be honest... is it me?

[rotterrome]

I've been feeling massively taken for granted recently. Have 1 DC, 3.5yo, not married to DP, still waiting. I'm getting more and more upset and worked up by this as we had planned to marry by now, but DP just keeps saying he's not ready, however he says he wants another child!

I'm not the easiest going person and DP is the total opposite... almost horizontal. He's v old fashioned and obviously sees the housework as my domain although claims other wise, says he believes in equality but obviously begrudges doing much himself and never prioritises it. I also work part-time/ often full time as I run my own business, he works full time.

I can be difficult to live with, I can be snappy when I'm tired and hormonal, I like the house to be acceptable, tidy will do. DP doesn't worry about the house looking tidy.

Tonight, we cooked dinner between us, sat and ate as a family and just as I'd finished DS asked me to take him to the toilet. I did so and left DP in the dining room, assuming he would clear away the plates as I was seeing to DS. Afterwards, I bathed and put DS to bed whilst DP came upstairs afterwards to put up some furniture in our bedroom. After this I went into our bedroom and DP and I had sex, chatted etc. I was about to begin some work when DP announced "we still need to clear the dining room" This was 3 hours after we had eaten! I'd assumed DP had done whilst I was seeing to DS. I am not very happy and have voiced this to DP. As I wasnt clearing the table, it's like he thought " well why should I?" Even though I had gone to take DS to the toilet.

I know how tiny and petty this seems but I'm just so tired of feeling like if I don't set the wheels in motion for everything g in our household, then it just won't get done. Please don't tell me I should have asked DP to clear the table... it was painstakingly obvious. He was the last one to leave the table, I was busy, surely he should clear it? To go downstairs at 9.30 pm to begin clearing cold leftovers from the dining room table that have been sitting for 3 hours because DP left empty handed and decided to sit and please himself whilst I dealt with DS just seems so selfish to me.

Am I being petty? Is it me? I just feel so bloody taken for granted lately, but reading this back, it also sounds insignificant.

Re marriage, maybe it's time for yu to pay thingson the table and make it clear
As there is no marriage, no will etc... you now need to think about your financial safety as well as the one your DC.
Therefore, you will, from now on, and then list things you will need to do, ranging from having a full time job, splitting spending in a fair way, having some time off wo DC and leaving him with his child etc etc

I feel for you because I actually have a DH who seems to think along those lines. We've had many chats about it with me pointing out to him how selfish his behaviour is.
And it took many chats for him to actually get it. As well as actually been put in the situation himself (eh let him deal with DC but waiting for him to 'finish' so he can also clear the table. After all why would you do that on your own??)

Does he do other things about the house.

I know DW is often quite unaware of work I do around the house and has had a moan on a couple of occasions about me pulling my weight so I've then pointed out things she didn't know I had done. (never apologises mind you)

I could go on a long rant about that if anyone is interested

Uh sorry, a man thing?? I don't think so! It's an inconsiderate, selfish person thing.

Sorry didn't RTFT as those first comments were just too stupid. I'm sure plenty of other people have already made this comment.

Seriously, don't make excuses for manchildren and inconsiderate, selfish people.

if he's such an old fashioned individual... there is no way he'd have had your DS and want more children before making you his Wife x

I know DW is often quite unaware of work I do around the house and has had a moan on a couple of occasions about me pulling my weight so I've then pointed out things she didn't know I had done. (never apologises mind you)

Enlighten us?

I struggle to think of any 'extras jobs around the house' that must be done multiple times every single day like the cooking and cleaning shitwork that wives tend to get lumbered with.

Calling it a man thing is pretty harsh on the dozens of men I know who clear up.

I have 2 aunts who behave exactly like this. Is it an 'aunt thing'?

Of COURSE it's a man thing

Would be concerned about his lack of commitment to marriage, and be very wary of getting pregnant. Anyfucker summed up what I wanted to say perfectly.

It's not a man thing. After dinner I went back to my laptop to finish off some work mails. DH tidied away toys, cleared table and washed dishes, put dd to bed. I didn't tell or ask him to do anything. He just did it as that is what needed doing and I was busy doing something else.

I don't know what to say about the marriage thing. What's holding him back? Why do you want to get married? I think it's fair enough to not want another child if you're not getting what you want out of the relationship.

Enlighten us? OK WellErr if you insist

We both have our agreed chores which we do regularly and we both have hobbies we would rather be doing. She kind of keeps score of how much above and beyond the basics I've been doing and compares it to herself. If she perceives she has done more than me the resentment builds, usually it comes out in an argument.

Through January to early March things I have done which she didn't notice are:-

• Cleared out the gutters, awful work up long ladders but it was causing damp issues.

• Cleaned the windows inside and out, hadn't been done for 6 months and there was mould growing on the inside of some of them. This is something she's been saying she need to do for ages, it took hours. I had no idea what the best thing to do was so used a mild bleach solution to tackle the mould, then washed down with soap and water then used glass cleaner and buffed with newspaper

• Replaced a dozen old halogen light fittings with LEDs because they had become dangerous, one transformer had to be removed when it started smoking and a couple of the others showed signs of scorching, so I said I'd sort it.

• Re-felted the roof on the shed and garage both of which had been damaged by strong winds and were letting in water .

One difficulty I have is that the nearest decent size town to buy DIY supplies is about an hour each way and and I've only got between 9 & 3 due to the school runs, I try to do the household work on my day off in the week so as to leave the weekend day off as family time but it also means she doesn't see what I've done.

My regular chores are
Daily school run in the morning aka getting teenagers out of the house on time, they walk home other than my day off.
Cleaning the Bathroom
Vacuuming the stairs, landing and our bedroom. The stair carpet also needs a hard brush on hands and knees to lift the pet hair.
The weekly grocery shopping as she's less disciplined at sticking to the list.
Lots of the cooking.
And all the dog walking.

Her Regular chores are
Laundry and ironing
Cleaning the floors downstairs
The rest of the cooking
She controls the finances, but everything is on direct debit and she just shifts a bit to and from savings as and when is needed.

We both clean the kitchen, usually when the other has cooked and do a meal plan together so we know what we are cooking and what needs to be bought.

She gets more involved with the school, partly as she regularly disagrees with them about things. I don't always agree with her but I pick my battles in that respect according to how important I think the matter is. She also buys all the kids clothes albeit much of that is online and DD doesn't want me to go bra shopping with her anyway! She also plans the holidays, but that's mostly because she doesn't want me to know how much they cost!

(I did say it would be a long rant)

windows buffed with newspaper?
Welcome back to the 1950s?
Well done harmless, but as WellErr says, they don't need doing multiple times they are largely one off jobs. No doubt your oh does one off jobs she doesn't write on the list. And we'll done for refelting the shed between 9-3 while also doing housework - its quite a big job, isn't it? (Assuming that, as you said she didn't notice)

Oh a man thing? You have to request and point it out, as the poor darling just doesn't realise that there is no dish-fairy cleaning up after the dinner, but someone has to do it. He surprisingly manages to hold down a job and function in the society though.

The wife-work is a distraction tho, OP. Your main problem is that you are not married, and in a vulnerable situation. And he sees no problem in keeping it that way - in fact he wants to make you even more vulnerable, by having another child.

Get legal.

Welcome back to the 1950s?
Well it was something we did to the mirrors in a large shop I worked in in the 80s, as a Saturday lad, but that had probably been the same way of doing it there for 30 years

No doubt your oh does one off jobs she doesn't write on the list.
Indeed and that's a given the point is that her default assumption is that I've been doing fuck all above and beyond the minimum and always has been, despite the fact that we live in an old house where there is reasonably high burden of maintenance (inside and out) which I keep on top of and which she has no knowledge of how to do or what's involved nor any interest in finding out.

The issue is that because I enjoy woodworking (cabinet making) and find practical things satisfying, she seems regard maintaining the house is a hobby for me, akin to her doing cross stitch, playing musical instruments and playing candy crush.

I have asked her to help out with things in the past but her idea of helping is to take the kids to Legoland for a few days so I can crack on uninterrupted while they have fun.

Tbf you sound like you more than pull your weight Harmless

I grew up with both my parents doing equal share of housework and childcare, my dad doing a fair bit more of the latter during my younger years. So it's completely normal for me and I always said I'd expect no less than 50/50 split.

Me and my boyfriend have only been living together a week (so I know not a great judge) but I've noticed that, he's doing a fair bit more than me in regards to the house. There's still decorating, furniture etc to be sorted and I do help, but honestly I'm not as good at it as him!
Then he's splitting the daily chores, I tend to cook, he cleans up, we agreed I'd do the washing but he'll do the ironing. Plus I'm on mat leave and he works full time. So I'm getting a lot more free time.
I do recognise it and acknowledge what he's doing though and he's in agreement with me that my maternity leave should be primarily to spend time with dd.

I don't think from the op, that her partner sounds bad, he helped with dinner, he put together furniture and then yes I'd be annoyed that he'd not cleaned the kitchen straight away, but he did clear it!
Obviously it goes a lot by what he's like in general.

I do think the bigger issue is the marriage. If you really don't want to leave having another baby op. I'd definitely be giving the second child my name and making sure wills etc are in place and I wouldn't give up work or go part time, if childcare costs are a issue I'd be making sure he was paying half towards them. If he doesn't want to give you security, he has to accept that you will need to secure your own! I'd also have a savings account with some money put aside, in case!

I also have a tread running in relationships- check it out. My DH has called quits on our marriage- we have 2 DC and I do the lions share. Have a read and see what you think OP- it may make you think further on your own situation. And comments on mine would be welcome,

I'd rather my DP was putting up furniture than clearing dishes, because I can clear dishes, but I can't put up furniture.

What I don't get is why you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. Would you not forever wonder whether you'd forced him, and whether he actually wants to be with you? If it were the other way round, would you marry him even though you didn't want to?

harmless I remember my nan doing windows with newspapers
You do sound like you do a lot. Can't believe house maintenance = cross stitch keep it up, sounds like your place is much better run than mine!

I don't begrudge what I do, I begrudge the attitude that I'm slacking when I know I'm not

To be fair she's never actually put it quite like cross stitch is to her what plastering is to me, but she does espouse the idea that it only things which we actively dislike count as chores. As in saying "but you enjoy doing those things so its not the same"; yes I do get a sense of satisfaction from say re-pointing a wall but I'd far rather be hiking through the local countryside with the dog.

My question to the OP about doing other things is whether they are doing other things which they don't feel are being appreciated? If so has he mentally allocated what each of them "should" be doing? If that were the case there needs to be a conversation about priorities. Certainly our household maintenance slid while the kids were little.

Anyway my list for coming weeks is to clean out the larder cupboard the shelves are grim, some are sticky, some stuff is years out of date and the oven also needs attacking.

What sexist claptrap.

My DP worked as a cleaner one summer at uni and he didn't need a female supervisor pointing out dust and stains. At work we have men on the cleaning team, they also know what they're doing.

He's treating you with contempt, OP. Do not have more children with this loser.

I'd marry you, Harmless

It's not a man thing! This evening I got the dt's ready for bed and fed them to sleep whilst dh cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floor then got ds ready for bed and read his book to him. We both just did what needs to be done until it was all finished.

He's a sahd, I work ft. I'm just not a lazy fucker. Being at work is soooo much easier! And my job is really stressful, non stop, rarely time for lunch.

I see your partner picks and chooses his old fashionedness. If he was old fashioned he'd want to be married.

Was he old fashioned about your child having his surname?