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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Be honest... is it me?

97 replies

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:17

I've been feeling massively taken for granted recently. Have 1 DC, 3.5yo, not married to DP, still waiting. I'm getting more and more upset and worked up by this as we had planned to marry by now, but DP just keeps saying he's not ready, however he says he wants another child!

I'm not the easiest going person and DP is the total opposite... almost horizontal. He's v old fashioned and obviously sees the housework as my domain although claims other wise, says he believes in equality but obviously begrudges doing much himself and never prioritises it. I also work part-time/ often full time as I run my own business, he works full time.

I can be difficult to live with, I can be snappy when I'm tired and hormonal, I like the house to be acceptable, tidy will do. DP doesn't worry about the house looking tidy.

Tonight, we cooked dinner between us, sat and ate as a family and just as I'd finished DS asked me to take him to the toilet. I did so and left DP in the dining room, assuming he would clear away the plates as I was seeing to DS. Afterwards, I bathed and put DS to bed whilst DP came upstairs afterwards to put up some furniture in our bedroom. After this I went into our bedroom and DP and I had sex, chatted etc. I was about to begin some work when DP announced "we still need to clear the dining room" This was 3 hours after we had eaten! I'd assumed DP had done whilst I was seeing to DS. I am not very happy and have voiced this to DP. As I wasnt clearing the table, it's like he thought " well why should I?" Even though I had gone to take DS to the toilet.

I know how tiny and petty this seems but I'm just so tired of feeling like if I don't set the wheels in motion for everything g in our household, then it just won't get done. Please don't tell me I should have asked DP to clear the table... it was painstakingly obvious. He was the last one to leave the table, I was busy, surely he should clear it? To go downstairs at 9.30 pm to begin clearing cold leftovers from the dining room table that have been sitting for 3 hours because DP left empty handed and decided to sit and please himself whilst I dealt with DS just seems so selfish to me.

Am I being petty? Is it me? I just feel so bloody taken for granted lately, but reading this back, it also sounds insignificant.

OP posts:
Original poster
rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:55

Sex was impromptu! Not likely to have left the dishes for it... rarely happens tbh!

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 04/04/2017 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellErrr · 04/04/2017 22:56

Next time, check he's cleared up before giving him sex!

Hang the fuck on, have I stumbled into 1950?

For fucks' SAKE.

Original poster
rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:57

My grandfather was wonderful domestically, so I guess you're right, not an old fashioned trait at all. More a lazy, sex is one.

OP posts:
Silverthorn · 04/04/2017 22:57

Wow. Not a man thing. My dh clears the table and washes up without prompting. Maybe not to my standard but it is mostly done. I can certainly check the oil and tyre pressure on our family car myself. I even mow the lawns.
Not sure why you want to marry such a useless 'partner'. Does he ever bath the dc?

Original poster
rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:59

Haha " hang on one minute. I'll just do a spot-check of the dining room to check it's been cleared properly before we continue. You stay hard whilst I'm gone."

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/04/2017 22:59

CMama, I am afraid you are absolutely not bringing up your kids to believe that cleaning up is sex neutral while you remain in a relationship with a bloke that demonstrates otherwise

neonrainbow · 04/04/2017 22:59

Why the hell do you want to marry him?

Original poster
rotterrome · 04/04/2017 23:00

He's wonderful with DC often baths and puts him to bed, particularly as I often work in the evenings.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 04/04/2017 23:01

Was just going to put the same as notanurse does your dc have his surname?

I'm the opposite, I don't want to marry. My dd has my surname and my boyfriend is ok with that. He was never bothered for children, but has said if we have another (will be way in the future) he'd like me to consider us getting married. And I would!

Does your dp have a will? And is everything in place from a legal stand point?

Original poster
rotterrome · 04/04/2017 23:03

DS has his surname, this was on the understanding we would marry soon afterwards... still no ring.

No Will and nothing in place legally aside from a joint mortgage. Yes I know, I'm fucked.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 04/04/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellErrr · 04/04/2017 23:06

He's wonderful with DC often baths and puts him to bed

That's not 'wonderful' though, is it? That's 'stuff you do when you're a parent.'

These threads always make me sad at how LOW so many women set the bar. This really isn't a dig at you OP. But in what way is making sure his own child is clean and in bed a wonderful and noteworthy thing?

Emboo19 · 04/04/2017 23:07

Well firstly, I'd be making an appointment with a solicitor to sort a will out!

You say he wants another child, what would he say to that child having your surname, until you marry? Or not having another dc at all, until you marry?

HappyJanuary · 04/04/2017 23:13

Well he did come upstairs to put up some furniture, so not entirely lazy. Is it possible he thought he'd clear the dishes after he'd put up the furniture? Or that he'd do the furniture while you got dc ready for bed, then you could sort the dishes together?

AnyFucker · 04/04/2017 23:13

Your dc having his surname means fuck all for your financial security

Honestly. Some women wilfully place themselves in shit situations like this. Why ? And if he is nice to you for a bit, you will pop out another sprog and carry on doing all the shitwork. While at any time he can walk away without a backward glance. Absolute madness.

outabout · 04/04/2017 23:23

My only point was different people see different things to be done and the degree of 'quality' to the jobs. Not 'sexist' or anything elseist, just different.

CMamaof4 · 04/04/2017 23:23

Wellerrr calm down! His mum and dad are divorced and her house is disgustingly dirty, so yes I do blame her, I dont get how her being female had anything to do it Confused
A child who is brought up in a messy dirty house tends to repeat this behaviour.

outabout · 04/04/2017 23:24

My only point was different people see different things to be done and the degree of 'quality' to the jobs. Not 'sexist' or anything elseist, just different.

Headofthehive55 · 04/04/2017 23:25

Maybe you should suddenly convert into believing in no sex before marriage.
He has everything he needs so he doesn't need to commit.
I think you should say would you clear away whilst I do X y z? They need clear instructions.

NerdyBird · 04/04/2017 23:30

From the sounds of it the housework thing is different priorities. I do the kitchen stuff in our house and it sometimes gets left for a few hours while I do other stuff (watching tv and falling asleep on the sofa). I just do it when I wake up, even if it's quite late.

Like others, I think the bigger concern is lack of security and commitment. I had a child with my DP before marriage (age was against me) but we are getting married this year as it was what we always planned and we have some savings now to pay for it.

I think you need to be clear with your partner about getting married, especially if another child is on the cards.

ThePopcornPolice · 04/04/2017 23:36

Does your DP want to get married? What would he say if you said let's do it?

CMamaof4 · 04/04/2017 23:41

Again Anyfucker I dont see what gender we are has anything to do with it? The fact my kids are brought up in a clean and tidy home and taught how to be clean and tidy and take care of themselves and their things, I'm pretty sure they will replicate this behaviour as adults....

gettinfedduppathis · 05/04/2017 00:22

This is just a lazy-arsed somebodyelsewilldoit attitude.

If you both live in a house and you both happen to be at home at the same time, then you just get on with it and share the chores. It shouldn't be the responsibility of one person to have to constantly chivvy the other into action.

springydaffs · 05/04/2017 00:40

It's not a man thing, it's a lazy sexist fucker thing.

Absolutely.

Oh ffs get rid of him. Waste of space (plus he's not a good dad if he treats their mother the way he treats you).

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