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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Be honest... is it me?

97 replies

rotterrome · 04/04/2017 22:17

I've been feeling massively taken for granted recently. Have 1 DC, 3.5yo, not married to DP, still waiting. I'm getting more and more upset and worked up by this as we had planned to marry by now, but DP just keeps saying he's not ready, however he says he wants another child!

I'm not the easiest going person and DP is the total opposite... almost horizontal. He's v old fashioned and obviously sees the housework as my domain although claims other wise, says he believes in equality but obviously begrudges doing much himself and never prioritises it. I also work part-time/ often full time as I run my own business, he works full time.

I can be difficult to live with, I can be snappy when I'm tired and hormonal, I like the house to be acceptable, tidy will do. DP doesn't worry about the house looking tidy.

Tonight, we cooked dinner between us, sat and ate as a family and just as I'd finished DS asked me to take him to the toilet. I did so and left DP in the dining room, assuming he would clear away the plates as I was seeing to DS. Afterwards, I bathed and put DS to bed whilst DP came upstairs afterwards to put up some furniture in our bedroom. After this I went into our bedroom and DP and I had sex, chatted etc. I was about to begin some work when DP announced "we still need to clear the dining room" This was 3 hours after we had eaten! I'd assumed DP had done whilst I was seeing to DS. I am not very happy and have voiced this to DP. As I wasnt clearing the table, it's like he thought " well why should I?" Even though I had gone to take DS to the toilet.

I know how tiny and petty this seems but I'm just so tired of feeling like if I don't set the wheels in motion for everything g in our household, then it just won't get done. Please don't tell me I should have asked DP to clear the table... it was painstakingly obvious. He was the last one to leave the table, I was busy, surely he should clear it? To go downstairs at 9.30 pm to begin clearing cold leftovers from the dining room table that have been sitting for 3 hours because DP left empty handed and decided to sit and please himself whilst I dealt with DS just seems so selfish to me.

Am I being petty? Is it me? I just feel so bloody taken for granted lately, but reading this back, it also sounds insignificant.

OP posts:
Ampersand22 · 05/04/2017 07:09

I could have written this post one month ago, without the kids bit. Things came to a head after I realised I was doing all the housework.

The agreement was that he would cook the evening meal and do the shopping. But, the takeaway boxes were piling up a bit, I was increasingly finding myself shopping with him, or finding that he'd forgotten milk/coffee/toilet roll but never, of course, beer.

Also there wasn't an equal agreement where if I couldn't be fucking arsed to clean the toilet, we would get a girl in to do it.

The agreement that I did everything else was based on me working part time, but I was increasingly full time. It wasn't just housework I was doing, but tidying up after him, like he would be incapable of putting an empty toilet roll in the bin, it would be left next to the loo. I think it's basic manners to do that yourself. Hundreds of other things like not cleaning out old food from the fridge before ramming a lot more fresh stuff into it.

What I did was after the 50th "discussion" about all of this was, I threatened to leave his lazy arse and I meant it. Because this is not the 1970's, I am not his Mum, I have two degrees and this is not the life I envisaged for myself, skivvying around for a man.

I grew up in abject poverty in the shittiest dog stinkiest armpit of a place and I know full well how to clean, despite my mum not knowing. No excuses for anyone.

He's been a lot better since. :) And we will absolutely not be having this conversation again, I am super sure of that.

It isn't a man thing, it's an ungrateful lazy human being thing. I flatshared with a pig of a woman once, she was the same.

Ampersand22 · 05/04/2017 07:22

Good luck OP. You've got to fight for your right to party. I wouldn't have another kid by this man unless things change.

I just remembered the thing that set me off was one morning waking up and going to the kitchen. I'd wiped it down after doing the dishes the night before. Looked like someone has been murdered in there. "DH" had fancied a pomegranate and the juice and pulp was splashed up the walls and in the grouting. Wooooo mama..... :D

reluctantlondoner · 05/04/2017 07:26

This is definitely normal / a man thing! My DH does help out around the house when asked to (often begrudgingly) but almost never initiates anything. He'll walk out of the room leaving dirty plates which he could have taken with him. He claims he hasn't had time to put a wash on while I am working away all week. Honestly, getting a cleaner for three hours per week has massively helped - £33 well spent to keep the house in some sort of order, lessen my load and reduce our arguments about housework. We both work FT btw, no DC yet...

Ampersand22 · 05/04/2017 07:29

Or, you could save £33 and your self esteem by demanding he treats you like a human being.......

reluctantlondoner · 05/04/2017 07:30

Re the marriage thing. I have been there and it is shit, I am sorry OP. Mine did come round in the end. Ironically it was only when I got a six month secondment to another company and was suddenly really focussed on that and stopped talking / bothering about marriage. Honestly I'd given up on it happening (together 7 years pre-engagement) but then suddenly he was ready! It's like he needed to feel it was his decision rather than me having pressured him into it. Mine still isn't ready for DC though Hmm

Ampersand22 · 05/04/2017 07:33

My DH went all whiny when I ask him to stick the washer on, all flappy armed like I was asking him to crack the enigma code. How be dat machine work den? Despite working with complex power tools all day long. And despite being impeccably washed and ironed when he came a courting to see my knickers.

Okite · 05/04/2017 07:36

lessen my load why is it your load to lessen though londoner? It isn't, it equally belongs to both of you.
I'm all for getting a cleaner, but don't be in the mindset that housework is YOUR JOB unless outsourced. Why is he not equally responsible for it?
As for the OP, it's not a 'man thing', that's complete bollocks that funnily enough men are quite happy to perpetuate because it gets them out of a lot. What baffles me is why women go along with perpetuating it too.

Original poster
rotterrome · 05/04/2017 07:59

This also bothers me. Men are perfectly capable of operating big power tools yet can't work domestic machines! My DP actually works the washer and dishwasher quite easily. He does his fair share at times, but is v inconsistent, he doesn't prioritise the domestic shit work like I do. Also, if I'm not pulling my weight, I'm ill, distracted or seeing to DC, he doesn't bother either and takes a well deserved holiday whilst I'm also holidaying away.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 05/04/2017 08:30

It is NOT a 'man thing' - my P is perfectly capable of getting his own food, clearing the plates, washing up, working the washing machine. We went away for a weekend in Europe, took my car; I checked the oil, water, tyres, breakdown cover and European insurance.

Re getting married - he is not that old-fashioned then if he wants another child outside wedlock. Only old-fashioned when he feels like it? And it has put you in a massively vulnerable situation - I would start NOT PUTTING UP WITH IT!

Get legal, or get out and get your own finances in order. Don't waste more time with him, expecting it all to 'work out in the end' - so often it doesn't, to the complete surprise of the woman.

AnneElliott · 05/04/2017 08:47

Do not have another child with him op. If he wants another then he can marry you first.

I do think that housework is partly a male thing- my H needs telling. I set out clearly what I expect, and make a fuss if I find him on the sofa with plates not cleared.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/04/2017 09:26

I find it really sad that some women will settle for this.

Original poster
rotterrome · 05/04/2017 10:06

Fertility may not be on my side (endometriosis), which obviously makes it difficult to not consider another child with him even outside of wedlock. I may not get another chance and I do want more children. Just feel so confused.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 05/04/2017 10:11

But obviously he knew it needed doing because he mentioned it later.

It's not "a man thing". It's a laziness thing.

Maybe you need a rota?

ptumbi · 05/04/2017 10:53

You want more children? Have you thought about what happens to your children if he decides he wants to go off with someone else?

Is the house in joint names? Do you have your own money?

notanurse2017 · 05/04/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaHen · 05/04/2017 11:14

Dear God - are people still trotting out sexist bullshit like 'it's a man thing'? Fucking hell - when are we going to move on?

My Dad is 67 and has ALWAYS run his household. With 4 fucking kids.

I hope my children don't fall for any of your children if you are stupid enough to believe 'it's a man thing.'

Running a home isn't rocket science. It's boring and laborious. Hence why people pretend they can't do it/see mess/work machines etc. Don't fall for it , eh?

HarmlessChap · 05/04/2017 11:50

Well I can absolutely confirm that its not "a man thing".

I'm as lazy as the next person but if DW headed upstairs with one of our 2, when they were small, I wouldn't have sat around and waited for her return to clear up. You just get on with it.

In our house one tends to cook and the other cleans up after but even so if I'd cooked and she was doing child care stuff I would have cleaned up as well, albeit in such a scenario she would have been expecting to clean up so I would have been seeing to the LO.

Original poster
rotterrome · 05/04/2017 12:00

This is the problem harmless: he does his "fair share" and that's it. So in DPS head... we had both cooked dinner, therefore we should both clear the table regardless of why I had left it all to him. He's often guilty of very black and white thinking. On confronting DP about the table, he made a point then about me leaving a bowl of strawberries in the garden, again he had remained outside whilst I had taken a tantruming DC inside. In his mind "she left it, she should clear it up." Even though he was the last one in the garden.
There's just no teamwork at all.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 05/04/2017 12:14

So he doesn't do his fair share at all, then Hmm

Smeaton · 05/04/2017 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ampersand22 · 05/04/2017 13:06

Tricky concept, fair share and has to be renegotiated according to outside changing workload. My DH was pretty convinced he was doing his fair share, shopping for instance, until I reminded him that yes he was shopping, he was also taking me with him on my rare days off as he would do it while we were already out on a trip, or he would phone me from the shop having forgot to take a list, or he wouldn't remember to take one at all and then forget essentials like toothpaste. And he often wouldn't come up with an idea for dinner, I was fed up of providing all the ideas and doing all the head work.

I got through to him in the end by having him pretend I was his old housemate Nick, and using that to point out the differences in housework and tidying up after DH.

Would Nick appreciate it if loo roll holders are left on floor or would he consider it was your job to tidy your messes? Would Nick think that just because you were cooking that it was his job to clean your shit off the sides of the toilet?

No and no, many other no's.

Original poster
rotterrome · 05/04/2017 13:32

I think your DP is an extreme case of this Ampers! My DP does clear his own shit and makes a good job of the grocery shopping! It sounds extremely difficult coping with what you're having to deal with Ampers.

OP posts:
Imi22sleeping · 05/04/2017 15:41

It doesnt have to be a man thing my mum and sister nag i dont i never have if things needed done and id done my share i just didnt do the rest if he ever days yhis needs done ill say ok do it then or why havent you done it then but that is rare he never leaves anything to me we work as a team

GreenPeppers · 05/04/2017 15:52

It's not you and please DO NOT BELIEVE ITS A MAN THING!!

Sorry about the shouting but really, it's about respect for your partner, it's about really believing in equality. It's nothing to do with 'not seeing thatbthe table needs to be cleared' or that 'he needs to be told'
When he is at work, does he ever need to be told the obvious?
Does he ever need to reminded of what he is supposed to do?
Is he able to 'guess' what is expected for Him?

He is telling you with his behaviour what he really thinks. Please believe him.

TessyFew · 05/04/2017 15:55

He's old fashion about housework but not about commitment apparently...ha! Picks and choses it seems!

Just sounds like a lazy git! (As so many have said...nothing to do with a 'man thing') Difficult to combat this as you'll always care more about it than he ever will by the sounds of it.