Talk to me about sex with a new partner

[NoCapes]

If you left a long term relationship, what was sex like the first time after that?

I left an abusive 9 year relationship last year and have recently been seeing someone new (some of you may have read my threads before, tiz possible I share too much of my life on here )

We haven't had sex yet, there has been an oppurtunity or 2 but I have backed out because I am utterly shitting myself at the thought

When I met ExP I was young blonde and hot (sorry but I was) I'm now not as young, and 3 massive babies have completely ruined my body
I felt fine having sex with the ex because he saw what my body was, and he knew that I only look like this now because I had babies, his babies
But GEG (the new man) doesn't know this, he will only have ever seen me naked now in this new body that isn't mine and isn't very attractive
The thought of him seeing my boobs makes me go a bit cold tbh

Has anyone else ever felt like this? How did you get over it?
Do I need to just bite the bullet? Or am I just not ready?
If it was the right guy would I even be worrying about this?

So many questions

Arealhumanbeing Both.

One man I had loads in common with, we'd spent loads of time together and had waited for sex because we'd just not had the opportunity. When I finally stayed over, I saw the look on his face almost immediately. Tbf to him, he was trying to hide it and I think we both went through with it (the sex) out of politeness, but the following day he called and politely ended it. I knew it was coming.

I've also been told that I could do with losing "a kilo or two".

I forget the exact wording now, but one told me that he was surprised I was as confident as I was and felt so comfortable walking round naked.

The last man who showed any real interest in me, and who I had any genuine feelings for, still managed to make a negative comment about my body. It never went any further because I shut it down after that.

Other times I have just been able to tell because they haven't been interested in touching or looking at me.

That sort of thing.

I cannot remember the last time someone complimented me on a physical aspect of me/my body. Genuinely can't.

Thanks for sharing Camperdine and PinkHotel.

I still think there must be plenty of men out there who wouldn't make you feel like that. Perhaps they had their own issues. Or were good at seeming shocked but had set out to be abusive?

There are plenty of models and other supposedly perfect people who are routinely cheated on and dumped and I see couples of all sizes who seem to have good chemistry together.

It is so shitty that you went through that.

Areal I fail to believe that every single man I have ever encoutered is abusive or had 'issues'.

I know that a couple of them were... but the rest? Nah, they were just regular normal men.

I think the mumsnet mantra of "he will be so delighted to be in bed with you he won't notice X, Y and Z" is not actually true

No, quite. And, tbh, I don't really want to be with someone who is so desperate for a shag that they don't even notice the person they're with!

As for kissing every inch and telling me I'm beautiful. I don't know if peddling these myths is all that helpful to women. Someone who has never seen you, or even a picture of you telling you a man will find you beautiful isn't terribly objective

Totally agree with that too.

PinkHotel

Apologies. I didn't realise it was every single one. Thought you were referring to the odd encounter.

I still think there must be plenty of men out there who wouldn't make you feel like that

Tbh, I wouldn't know anymore. I very rarely have anyone show any interest in me and I have become pretty adept at not being interested myself. I have no desire to put myself through it again.

No, not the odd encounter. I've had two LTRs as an adult (including a marriage) and they were both abusive. Since my marriage broke down 5 years ago, I've been on a few dates, had a couple of things that lasted around 6 weeks and 2 relationships. One of 6 months and one of nearly a year but we only saw each other EOW.

It wasn't always about the weight. I've dated men where it didn't get as far as worrying about sex and was told things like, "I would dump a woman who had grey hair. Even if she dyed it". I've had "I don't really like white women, they are predisposed to getting fat". Obviously, they didn't get to a second date...

I've had a boyfriend who said, "I've found it quite difficult coming to terms with having to date an older woman" (he was 2 years older than me). I had a boyfriend who told me that he had always dated beautiful women but they had all cheated on him. It transpired that he was dating me because he thought I was less likely to have the chance to cheat but, ultimately, it didn't work because he didn't really fancy me. I ended both of those.

And then there were the others.

And after that? Am I going to bother again? No.

The last man who showed any interest in me was 27 years older than me. I'm 42.

"I would dump a woman who had grey hair. Even if she dyed it".

"I don't really like white women, they are predisposed to getting fat".

People are entitled to their personal preferences. However people who say things like that out loud are nasty, cruel and possibly abusive.

This thread has really depressed me. Pink I cannot believe the way you have been treated. I am feeling so old fashioned but, I find people I like personality wise more attractive. So is this part of the new dating scene where people are either strangers, OLD etc so you haven't built up the connection to find them attractive before sex?
I have nothing against one night stands, FB etc and know many turn into rekationships but if you are looking for a relationship is it not ok to wait anymore? Will I be considered frigid if I don't dtd by date 3 or sooner?

Get drunk!!!

Quite alarming, especially since few of these guys are exactly a young Brad Pitt , guess they will be single for quite a while!!

Yeah I'm now finding this thread really sad.

Personally I have found certain people wildly attractive after getting to know them. Obviously I noticed them when the amazing sex began and there is no way I would have been put off by their body. They didn't fit the so called ideal either.

Maybe some people, or some men? feel entitled to have sex with a certain body type because of how they feel it reflects on them. Either way that's their issue isn't it?

Maybe some people, or some men? feel entitled to have sex with a certain body type because of how they feel it reflects on them

I think that's probably got a lot of truth in it.

I've reflected upon this quite a lot. Largely because I've been so negative. But those are my experiences. And, as crappy as I feel about myself at times, if I'm being honest, I'm really not that bad...

Hope everything goes ok OP , he sounds like a lovely genuine person.. just be yourself!
As for the comments from Pink Hotel and camperdine so horrible that you've encountered men like this, I really do hope you both find someone who isn't as superficial.
Also next time you go to a shopping mall.. grab a coffee and " people watch" you won't find perfect model like couples walking hand in hand you will see couples of all shapes and sizes together! I think unfortunately you both have had a bad run of hideous men but their really are some lovely ones out there that will want to be with you for being you!

Hope it's all going ok OP?
I agree with previous posters, these men Pink Hotel and Camperdine have met sound awful! I've only slept with one man since my divorce and he's been nothing other than complimentary about my body. Personally, I think I look hideous after two kids and a hysterectomy and a few stones too! A friend of mine has had some similar negative experiences but she didn't give up and she's now living with a lovely guy.

It's nothing to do with how you look capes - it's your super sexy allure.

One year since this thread started hope u r doing great with Geg n kids