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Original poster

Talk to me about sex with a new partner

93 replies

NoCapes · 03/04/2017 22:32

If you left a long term relationship, what was sex like the first time after that?

I left an abusive 9 year relationship last year and have recently been seeing someone new (some of you may have read my threads before, tiz possible I share too much of my life on here Blush )

We haven't had sex yet, there has been an oppurtunity or 2 but I have backed out because I am utterly shitting myself at the thought

When I met ExP I was young blonde and hot (sorry but I was) I'm now not as young, and 3 massive babies have completely ruined my body
I felt fine having sex with the ex because he saw what my body was, and he knew that I only look like this now because I had babies, his babies
But GEG (the new man) doesn't know this, he will only have ever seen me naked now in this new body that isn't mine and isn't very attractive
The thought of him seeing my boobs makes me go a bit cold tbh

Has anyone else ever felt like this? How did you get over it?
Do I need to just bite the bullet? Or am I just not ready?
If it was the right guy would I even be worrying about this?

So many questions Blush

OP posts:
Graphista · 03/04/2017 23:52

He'll be too busy worrying about HIS imperfections! I'm reliably informed that men worry just as much as women about this kinda stuff.

Weight gain, weight LOSS (my brother is very much on the slim side and it bothers him), hair loss, scars, penis size, ability to perform... They're not so different from us.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/04/2017 00:04

I was worried about this hypothetical after exH left and before I met late-DH, when we got together I kind of had it in the back of my mind, but tbh when it came down to it we couldn't keep our hands off each other and those thoughts just weren't there at all.

Geist · 04/04/2017 00:18

Joining the consensus of he'll probably be as worried as you. It's natural. I was exactly the same after finding myself single 2 dc later. We are together over a year now and loves my body weirdoGrin

First few times, alcohol helps a lot Wine

Pohara1 · 04/04/2017 05:01

I went into hospital around five years ago for a routine operation and left with a colostomy bag. Since then I've had two relationships. My previous relationship was not great - he kept telling me that I needed to go and fix the colostomy. My current partner doesn't even notice it. He said that he only notices it in the bath when the adhesive has gone tacky and there's a bit of hard plastic that usually ends up digging into his back.

When I ask him how he feels about the whole stoma thing, he said he doesn't care, it's there because it kept me alive and that all the stretch marks and all my insecurities are just the story of my life. He's said that he wants my body but he loves my mind. Best sex of my life.

Toobloodytired · 04/04/2017 05:15

I'm just watching this thread because I feel exactly the same, and I don't even have a new partner yet, and this is a huge part of it - lack of body confidence.
So good luck & if it feels right...hopefully you'll know!

Feel exactly the same!

Only ONE bloody year ago was I confident enough to sleep with men didn't even have a nice body & was overweight.

Now, the thought of meeting someone & having sex absolutely terrifies me!

Good luck op! You'll be fine.
He knows you've had kids, it's not about how you look anyway! It's about how he feels with you.

My ex couldn't get enough of me & ffs I was a mess BEFORE I HAD KIDS now I just have an excuse!Blush

You'll be absolutely fine! Flowers

friendshipstruggle · 04/04/2017 05:33

It took me 2 years to do it, I was terrified. I got drunk and went for it, it was very casual, I was just trying to get it out of the way. That was 6 months ago and we're still at it. He seems to think I'm the most amazing thing ever (mutual feeling), and the sex blows my mind. Best ever. You just need to go for it. If he minds then he's an arse.

jemimarose · 04/04/2017 07:07

I was in the same situation a year ago. I explained how insecure I felt about my body and even apologised! Always thought men only liked perfect bodies, ex DH had porn habit making me even more insecure.

Anyhow fast forward a year I know he was blown away by my body NOT because it's perfect but because I'm perfect for him. He has brought back my confidence and happiness. Go for it!

MyheartbelongstoG · 04/04/2017 13:33

Thankfully my boyfriend loves me wobbly bits. When I point them out he just says, what wobbly bits? Its just you.

A dim light helps too.

NameNotANumber · 04/04/2017 13:51

I felt that way too, alcohol and dim lighting helped, but my lovely bloke said he was feeling nervous too, worried about his body, worried that nerves would mean he couldn't get it up, worried that he wouldn't be able to satisfy me, worried about his size and length, worried that it would be over too soon etc etc

So GEG probably has his own list of worries and will just be delighted to be in bed with you.

user1479305498 · 04/04/2017 15:13

lets face ita s well, unless you are a cougar after 27 year old waxed male models, most of these guys are going to be pretty "imperfect" too. They are probably more worried you will notice "their" love handles and scars etc than notice anything about you.

Original poster
NoCapes · 04/04/2017 21:02

I know I know you're all right and he probably won't even care, I was expecting you all to say as much, but it doesn't make it any easier does it? Although all the stories of people being in the same situation are helpful so thankyou
Doesn't help that he's gorgeous and in great shape, really really great shape - that should make me want to shag him more not less shouldn't it?!
He absolutely isn't the kind of guy that would say anything horrible, he's really really lovely, but then I'd be thinking "he's so nice he wouldn't dare say whatever he's thinking - but what is he thinking?!"
Yeah I'm a huge overthinker Blush

Seems pretty split on here whether I talk to him about it or just fake it till I make it - if I do say something I could request that my bra stays firmly on for a while though couldn't I?
Eurgh I can't believe this is such an issue - 10 years ago I'd have shagged his brains out 100 times over by now and not given a second thought to how much my boobs were flapping or how many stretch marks he could see in the lighting Hmm

OP posts:
Princesspinkgirl · 04/04/2017 21:26

Dont worry about ur wobbly bits i met someone knew after a 10 year relationship we slept together right away 😶 i have jad previously had children but it was great it was so great our 1st night together we was up till 3am 😉😉

TheConstantCakeEater · 04/04/2017 21:49

Only been with 2 men but after 10 years and one child moving on was a bit nerve wracking, but all was fine.

Tell him you feel nervous and then just turn the lights out and get on with it!

Sidge · 05/04/2017 09:42

I think leaving your bra on potentially makes it more of an issue than it needs to be, TBH.

I'd probably make some comment along the lines of how I was nervous, and self conscious about my wobbly bits and then hopefully feel reassured by his positive response!

Bamboofordinneragain · 05/04/2017 15:23

Wine, not too much.
Candles, not too many.
Music, not too loud.
Enjoy every moment.

OrlandaFuriosa · 06/04/2017 20:34

Agree with Sidge.

NataliaOsipova · 06/04/2017 20:43

Capes Having lurked on your other threads, I think I can say, with some confidence, that GEG really, really fancies you. He also seems to like and respect you (hence you've held off for some time). When you get to the point of green for go, he'll be ecstatic. He won't be forensically examining your body - he'll be having a great time.

God knows, easier said than done - I'd feel exactly the same in your shoes. But it's easy to be right as an objective outsider....and I'm sure I am. Have a couple of glasses of wine, kick back and enjoy yourself. (I'm sure you will Grin)

Trustyourself2 · 06/04/2017 22:16

I'd be thinking and feeling exactly the same as you. Its only natural to have insecurities. I have lots of wobbly bits and would be so worried about my body being a shock to a new DP. But let's face it, he really likes you and knows that you're not perfect, and neither is he, and he probably realises that you're not feeling confident. Tell him that you're struggling and that you're a little shy at this stage of the game.

Original poster
NoCapes · 07/04/2017 20:15

Ah thankyou - I hope you're all right!
I'm going to talk to him about it tonight (on track phone so it's not too embarrassing!)
I just know he'll be lovely about it, but I need there to just not be an elephant in the room
I need to get out of my own head a little bit I think - easier said than done though ey
I'm having a Wine just in preparation for our chat, I'll need a Gin for the actual deed Blush

OP posts:
Tannyfastic · 07/04/2017 20:47

You don't have to DTD if you don't want to.
Why don't you wait until you feel ok?

How about wearing a sexy nightie?
Candle light or very low light.

My body is fucked shrivelled and stretched and tummy like porridge.
Have had a good sex life with new man despite this.

Original poster
NoCapes · 07/04/2017 20:55

No I'm not planning to do anything until I feel ready, I'm just aware that he's aware that it's nearly happened a couple of times and I've backed out, and he's such a nice guy he never even mentioned it, so I feel like I need to mention it just so he doesn't think it's because I don't like him like that
Tiz possible I'm overthinking again Blush

OP posts:
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 07/04/2017 21:06

I have nice boobs but a big hang up (with good reason) about my belly. I have prospect of new sex with new man soon. I'm thinking something slinky but not restrictive. If nothing else, it will make the initial interaction less ominous and you can always take it off.

Agree with PPs about not keeping the bra on. A slinky number would be less of an issue. If you keep the bra on first time, it will become a new issue for next time.

Ruthiebabe30 · 07/04/2017 21:14

I promise you are overthinking it, he's been happy to not push you twice, that's massive! And really shows he wants it to be right with you, instead of making shitty comments because he's frustrated in that moment. Take time to explore each other, the full sex doesn't need to happen right away, nothing wrong with going through the bases... you'll both get to a point where it tips, and you won't give a monkeys about your wobbly bits! I'm rooting for you x

Original poster
NoCapes · 07/04/2017 21:46

Yes you're right a bra will just prolong the issue
He's ringing me in 5 so I'll let you know how 'the chat' goes

OP posts:
WishIhadaGEG · 07/04/2017 22:51

I agree with other pp in that a) he won't care b) he will just be glad he is getting some, c) he will be more worried about making sure you enjoy it, and d) confidence is a big turn on for men.

Have you thought about just getting the first time over and done with with wine to get over the mental hurdle and then taking it slow and easy the second time?

I'm thinking a night in with the DC at exe's overnight, a few Wine and DTD, then in the morning a long lie in with bacon sarnies in bed and Sunday morning sex.

I may be slightly overinvested in your relationship
Grin

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