Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible decision - please help!

61 replies

islassor93 · 02/04/2017 15:26

So in July this year, my best friend of six years is going to cambodia for a month and a half to work and teach children English. To fund this, she is having a charity night to pay for the flights and raise money for this etc.

The problem with this is, I've already agreed to go to a hen weekend for my other friend, leaving on the day of this charity night. I'm in a dilemma because I'm closer to the friend going to cambodia, but this hen was booked and planned months before the charity night, so I feel like that's what I should stick to?

I feel like I'm letting my friend down for the charity night. I'm thinking of offering to help my friend set up the charity night and go for lunch with her, then leave and meet the other hens slightly later on, so I'm still present at that as well? It just means I won't be there for the actual evening when it's happening.

Please give me your advice and help! Sorry for the ramble just had to get it all out, haha.

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 02/04/2017 16:11

Sorry - that points been well made already. I wouldn't loose sleep over not find raising for someone else's holiday though!

Original poster
islassor93 · 02/04/2017 16:13

If I'm honest I don't know much about it and what it entails as she is the first person I know that's done it before.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2017 16:13

If they want the public to help , then they might have to!

pictish · 02/04/2017 16:14

I agree with the others. The hen night came first so the hen night stands. Nothing worse than being ditched for a better offer.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2017 16:15

OOps sorry wrong post Blush

5moreminutes · 02/04/2017 16:17

Is she at least taking a TEFL course before she goes? If she did and stayed 6 or 9 months and paid her own way, then she might be doing something worthwhile - 6 weeks and fund raising so it costs her nothing though... It's not long enough to settle in and actually achieve anything (and what's the odds some of that 6 weeks isn't even spent teaching).

BalloonSlayer · 02/04/2017 16:17

Jeez, what's the problem again?

You have a bona fide excuse to get out of an excruciating bore of a charity fundraising evening, and you think you have got a "horrible decision" to make?

hahahhaaaaa! Grin

Write friend a cheque and express your insincere regrets. Then have a great time on the hen and don't look back!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 02/04/2017 16:21

Your solution is perfect and the charity friend must realize that some people are going to have prior commitments. You are planning to help her as much as you can and will probably do more than most people who go to the event will do.

It is very poor etiquette to commit to something like a hen night and then pull out for another event, so by going on the hen night you are actually being more polite so don't feel bad about it (even if you enjoy it more).

Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 16:21

RainbowsAndUnicorn got there before me. You honour the first commitment. Why does your friend think that disguising her venture as a charity night to get other people to pay for her flights is appropriate? It is just a form of crowd funding essentially.

JayneAusten · 02/04/2017 16:25

Yeah I'm basically with everyone on this. Go to the hen night you have committed to and paid for. Don't feel bad about not supporting your friend's 'give me money for my holiday' party.

Original poster
islassor93 · 02/04/2017 16:31

True. I'm unsure if it's just for that, I'm sure it's for donating as well. I didn't want to turn this into a slagging match haha. Grin

OP posts:
ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 02/04/2017 16:33

I expected something genuinely horrible, btw.

Go to the hendo! You already payed for it... Maybe you can help her with something in advance. Or you two could have lunch on an other occasion.

And anyhow, she's away for 1,5 months. There's nothing particularly special about "charity" like that imo... Plus, fundraisers (unless it's a concert or something...) are usually very boring.

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 16:38

oh go to the hen do

tbh I think it's quite good that you've got something else on

I find the idea of charity funding for something that she wants to do quite odd.

Guitargirl · 02/04/2017 16:47

It really isn't a horrible decision - or a decision at all IMO.

After half-heartedly supporting several friends' 'projects' like this, I now flatly refuse to encourage such nonsense.

I taught English as a foreign language overseas for years. Your friend is going on holiday and is asking others to pay for it.

FrenchLavender · 02/04/2017 16:50

Then again I hate voluntourism and people asking for charity to essentially go on holiday.

Me too. She's trying to guilt trip people into funding a long holiday for, because make no mistake, that is what it is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2017 16:52

I have a friend who has done similar, but in South America. She's a lovely woman, but had a very poorly paid job so we were happy to support her in helping her raise funds for her flights and stay. She was staying at an Orphanage, helping out with building and teaching the children music (light building, they have real builders as well!) - part of the funding was to pay for her accommodation and food while there, not just the flights.

It's hardly a "jolly" - it's tough work (well it was in S.America, I doubt Cambodia is much different!) but very rewarding. Friend has recently done another trip to another S. American country as part of a medical crew - she again had to fund herself, but has a better job now so didn't need to get help with funds. However, I would have supported her if she HAD needed to raise funds again - it takes a special kind of person to do these things, IMO.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2017 16:53

Whoops - forgot the question - yes, go to the hen do. Your friend should understand, it's kind of her "fault" for booking her charity night at a time you had previous plans - and you've already done a lot towards it, in helping her with donations, prizes etc. You have nothing to worry about in terms of "letting her down" and she should realise that.

Goldfishjane · 02/04/2017 16:54

Thumb, my sis and best mate did it and yes it's hard work. But why ask someone else to pay for what you want to do? Lots of things we want to do are hard work, that's not the point.

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 02/04/2017 16:55

And she isn't even doing something for the money people are supposed to pay.

I mean, run a marathon. Sweat for that money people are supposed to spend on your holiday.

Iamastonished · 02/04/2017 17:00

One of my friends is a doctor and used up a couple of weeks of her annual leave to provide medical care in Nepal. She funded it all herself. It wouldn't have occurred to her to sponge off her friends.

FrenchLavender · 02/04/2017 17:02

You can always donate some money to her cause, but frankly, supporting an organization that trains their own teachers would probably be more useful to Cambodians.

Exactly. Ask her for the name of the school/orphanage/charity she's working with and donate directly to them, not to her.

In fact I am a bit cynical about this. I imagine there are parasitic tour operators that will strike a deal with local schools and orphanages to pay them a relative pittance to have God knows who coming in and having access to the children in their care as part of an arranged itinerary without any safeguarding checks.

When I was in Sri Lanka a few years ago there was a nursery school/creche opposite our hotel where parents would drop off their pre-schoolers on the way to work. A woman spent the whole time on the doorstep sucking up to passing tourists and trying to attract them to 'come inside to see the little children', presumably to then pressure them into giving money. God alone knows what dodgy sorts of people she invited through that door with $ signs in her eyes.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2017 17:05

Well I see it as volunteering by proxy, if you like. It's not something I would ever want to do, but I can see the value in it, so if I donate money towards someone else going and doing it, then I get the "feel-good factor" without having to do any of the hard work. Grin

EC22 · 02/04/2017 17:06

Charity friend needs to understand, if your presence was that important she'd have checked before arranging.
These things happen. I'd go to the hen as prior arranged and wish my other pal well x

5moreminutes · 02/04/2017 17:40

Clary the people who fund raise to run marathons or climb mountains are the sort of people who do those things as a hobby though, it's just as bad. Perhaps if someone chronically lazy with a loathing of physical exercise but a dedication to a charity was willing to sweat for their sponsorship they'd genuinely be doing something they didn't want to do anyway because the cause meant a lot to them - 999 times out of 1000 though it's the ones who post map my run on Facebook and have been obsessive hobby runners for ages who suddenly want donations to pay their airfare to run somewhere exotic or the entry fee for doing a prestigious marathon, or hobby hill walkers who have always done walking holidays who want crowd funding so they can walk the great wall of China...

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 02/04/2017 17:44

5more

Oh, I know that it isn't better... (not at all. Well, unless you're forced to do it, like we were at school. That was just horrible... I hate running in gosh darn circles!!)

Perhaps if someone chronically lazy with a loathing of physical exercise but a dedication to a charity was willing to sweat for their sponsorship they'd genuinely be doing something they didn't want to do anyway because the cause meant a lot to them

That's kind of what I was thinking of, tbh.