Horrible decision - please help!

[islassor93]

So in July this year, my best friend of six years is going to cambodia for a month and a half to work and teach children English. To fund this, she is having a charity night to pay for the flights and raise money for this etc.

The problem with this is, I've already agreed to go to a hen weekend for my other friend, leaving on the day of this charity night. I'm in a dilemma because I'm closer to the friend going to cambodia, but this hen was booked and planned months before the charity night, so I feel like that's what I should stick to?

I feel like I'm letting my friend down for the charity night. I'm thinking of offering to help my friend set up the charity night and go for lunch with her, then leave and meet the other hens slightly later on, so I'm still present at that as well? It just means I won't be there for the actual evening when it's happening.

Please give me your advice and help! Sorry for the ramble just had to get it all out, haha.

[rookiemere]

She has no business being unhappy about the fact you have a prior commitment.

I have a friend who decided to do one of these things and needed to raise a lot for her charity. I paid my money to go to the quiz night, then I paid more money to buy raffle tickets, then I think there was a tombola as well. Pretty rubbish evening ended up costing me about £40.

I wouldn't worry OP there will be plenty more occasions to donate your money's.

[Graphista]

Please don't give money to this 'charity' it's a scam.

No reputable organisation recruiting people to teach English as a foreign language would do this.

The reputable ones require:

A suitable degree
Plus a a suitable tefl qualification (usually celta) which takes a minimum of 4 weeks to complete (full time)
Plus AT LEAST 2 years mentored experience
That the person recruited commit to a minimum of 6 MONTHS to the teaching.

Bugger all can be taught in 6 weeks, if it's a new teacher every 6 weeks the disruption is very disadvantageous to students.

It's a common scam in certain parts of the world inc South Asia.

Cambodia is the new 'Thailand' as a desirable place to visit for a holiday.

How do I know? I know several people who are tefl teachers for reputable organisations including a cousin who is a recruiter (she's been involved in tefl for many years).

Seriously please don't give a penny.

Please instead give her a name of a reputable organisation instead. Although those who run reputable tefl courses also have good connections with recruiters.

Cautionary tale: one friend I have who was sucked in by an ad (which I'm guessing is what's happened here) ended up stranded by the company in Korea without her passport!

[ohidoliketobebesidethecoast]

I the no people are maybe being over negative about the trip tho. We don't know that there isn't an element of teaching local teachers to continue the work, or that there's been no teaching before and won't be after (this may be to give a boost to existing local education which is ongoing).
Even if it was just 6 weeks tuition, it could be enough for kids to pick up quite a bit. In wales, non-welsh speaking kids who are going to a welsh speaking secondary school, get a 6 week welsh course at the start; it sounds too little, but I'm told they pick it up well enough to be taught from then on in welsh.
I don't know the answers, but unless people have experience of this specific programme it seems harsh to write it off as pointless for the schools involved?

[Iamastonished]

It's not you she wants, but your money.

[ohidoliketobebesidethecoast]

If she was dead set on you being there, she could have checked you were free before picking the date for her thing, no? If she didn't check, she'd be unreasonable if she assumed you'd def be available.

[islassor93]

You guys are making me doubt her venture hahaha.

[Floggingmolly]

What use does she imagine she'll be, teaching kids a whole new language for six weeks? . Is there actually a school who want to indulge her in this?

[islassor93]

So told her today, don't think she's that happy about it. Explained my reasoning and she's a bit off, I expected her to be disappointed but I said to her at the end of the day if it was switched around would she miss a hen weekend? The answer was no. So I'm fully justified.

[FrenchLavender]

999 times out of 1000 though it's the ones who post map my run on Facebook and have been obsessive hobby runners for ages who suddenly want donations to pay their airfare to run somewhere exotic or the entry fee for doing a prestigious marathon, or hobby hill walkers who have always done walking holidays who want crowd funding so they can walk the great wall of China...

Exactly. It's ridiculous. In those circumstances you may as well just club together to make a donation to the charity and cut the runner out of it all together. By the time their costs are covered there isn't much left going to charity anyway. The whole point of doing something challenging for charity is that it has to be something you don't ordinarily do or enjoy!

[Iamastonished]

I agree 5more. I think sponsored events should be useful and constructive like a litter pick or donating your time to a good cause like taking a housebound person out for instance, not something you actively enjoy. Sponsored pub crawls come to mind here.

I know - I think I will get people to sponsor me eating at a different restaurant every night

[5moreminutes]

Reputable volunteer organisations who recruit English teachers tend to want a teaching qualification and at least four year's directly relevant teaching experience, and to want volunteers to commit to stay a year or more in placement. In return the volunteers have their airfares and local standard accommodation provided, and a small allowance to cover basic essentials in local currency. A lot of volunteers are early retired professionals with 20, 30 or 40 years experience able to train local teachers and advise on setting up new programmes etc.

[ClaryBeanHorshAndMe]

5more

Oh, I know that it isn't better... (not at all. Well, unless you're forced to do it, like we were at school. That was just horrible... I hate running in gosh darn circles!!)


Perhaps if someone chronically lazy with a loathing of physical exercise but a dedication to a charity was willing to sweat for their sponsorship they'd genuinely be doing something they didn't want to do anyway because the cause meant a lot to them

That's kind of what I was thinking of, tbh.

[5moreminutes]

Clary the people who fund raise to run marathons or climb mountains are the sort of people who do those things as a hobby though, it's just as bad. Perhaps if someone chronically lazy with a loathing of physical exercise but a dedication to a charity was willing to sweat for their sponsorship they'd genuinely be doing something they didn't want to do anyway because the cause meant a lot to them - 999 times out of 1000 though it's the ones who post map my run on Facebook and have been obsessive hobby runners for ages who suddenly want donations to pay their airfare to run somewhere exotic or the entry fee for doing a prestigious marathon, or hobby hill walkers who have always done walking holidays who want crowd funding so they can walk the great wall of China...

[EC22]

Charity friend needs to understand, if your presence was that important she'd have checked before arranging.
These things happen. I'd go to the hen as prior arranged and wish my other pal well x

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Well I see it as volunteering by proxy, if you like. It's not something I would ever want to do, but I can see the value in it, so if I donate money towards someone else going and doing it, then I get the "feel-good factor" without having to do any of the hard work.

[FrenchLavender]

You can always donate some money to her cause, but frankly, supporting an organization that trains their own teachers would probably be more useful to Cambodians.

Exactly. Ask her for the name of the school/orphanage/charity she's working with and donate directly to them, not to her.

In fact I am a bit cynical about this. I imagine there are parasitic tour operators that will strike a deal with local schools and orphanages to pay them a relative pittance to have God knows who coming in and having access to the children in their care as part of an arranged itinerary without any safeguarding checks.

When I was in Sri Lanka a few years ago there was a nursery school/creche opposite our hotel where parents would drop off their pre-schoolers on the way to work. A woman spent the whole time on the doorstep sucking up to passing tourists and trying to attract them to 'come inside to see the little children', presumably to then pressure them into giving money. God alone knows what dodgy sorts of people she invited through that door with $ signs in her eyes.

[Iamastonished]

One of my friends is a doctor and used up a couple of weeks of her annual leave to provide medical care in Nepal. She funded it all herself. It wouldn't have occurred to her to sponge off her friends.

[ClaryBeanHorshAndMe]

And she isn't even doing something for the money people are supposed to pay.

I mean, run a marathon. Sweat for that money people are supposed to spend on your holiday.

[Goldfishjane]

Thumb, my sis and best mate did it and yes it's hard work. But why ask someone else to pay for what you want to do? Lots of things we want to do are hard work, that's not the point.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Whoops - forgot the question - yes, go to the hen do. Your friend should understand, it's kind of her "fault" for booking her charity night at a time you had previous plans - and you've already done a lot towards it, in helping her with donations, prizes etc. You have nothing to worry about in terms of "letting her down" and she should realise that.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I have a friend who has done similar, but in South America. She's a lovely woman, but had a very poorly paid job so we were happy to support her in helping her raise funds for her flights and stay. She was staying at an Orphanage, helping out with building and teaching the children music (light building, they have real builders as well!) - part of the funding was to pay for her accommodation and food while there, not just the flights.

It's hardly a "jolly" - it's tough work (well it was in S.America, I doubt Cambodia is much different!) but very rewarding. Friend has recently done another trip to another S. American country as part of a medical crew - she again had to fund herself, but has a better job now so didn't need to get help with funds. However, I would have supported her if she HAD needed to raise funds again - it takes a special kind of person to do these things, IMO.

[FrenchLavender]

Then again I hate voluntourism and people asking for charity to essentially go on holiday.

Me too. She's trying to guilt trip people into funding a long holiday for, because make no mistake, that is what it is.

[Guitargirl]

It really isn't a horrible decision - or a decision at all IMO.

After half-heartedly supporting several friends' 'projects' like this, I now flatly refuse to encourage such nonsense.

I taught English as a foreign language overseas for years. Your friend is going on holiday and is asking others to pay for it.

[Goldfishjane]

oh go to the hen do

tbh I think it's quite good that you've got something else on

I find the idea of charity funding for something that she wants to do quite odd.

[ClaryBeanHorshAndMe]

I expected something genuinely horrible, btw.

Go to the hendo! You already payed for it... Maybe you can help her with something in advance. Or you two could have lunch on an other occasion.


And anyhow, she's away for 1,5 months. There's nothing particularly special about "charity" like that imo... Plus, fundraisers (unless it's a concert or something...) are usually very boring.