I'm losing everything and everybody

[lifefallingapart2]

My mum died earlier this year. She was in her early eighties. Life with her had become difficult. I never stopped. I would go and pick her up after work, bring her to our house to eat with us, then me or DH would take her back. Holidays were difficult as she had to go in a nursing home.

No one seems remotely bothered, I'm broken hearted. DH is so so cold. I would never have called him a cold man but he has become cold. He thinks it is for the best, we are 'free' (his words) as we were under so much pressure (my dad died 7 years ago and we were caring for him before, as soon as he got ill my mum got frail.) I just can't talk to him, he impatiently brushes me off. I'm lonely. He has always got up early but now it's 5am stomping around, DD keeps complaining about him coming in her room and trying to wake her up. I stay up late after he's gone to bed at 8 or 9 o clock and I know I'm drinking too much.

I'm so worried about my children. DS is 16 and at sixth form college. He's putting no work in, we keep getting told about him skipping lessons and not handing in assignments. I'm sure he is on drugs. DD is 14, and she worries me so. Neither of the children seem remotely upset they have lost their Nannie and she spent so much time with them when they were little I can't understand this. I keep having awful fights with DD and she absolutely hates me. It sounds awful but a lot of the time I don't like her much either. Her GCSEs are next year but she just spends all her time on Snapchat and Instagram or exercising (her brother has got her into various sports) or reading. She always seems to be falling out with her friends.

I just feel so alone in my own marriage and family and I could only have talked to my mum and shes gone.

Hi lovely

You've only just lost your mum and you're grieving. Your husband didn't have the connection with your parents that you do so to him, looking after them was a completely different experience to yours but it must hurt that he's relieved whilst you're grieving.

Your worries about your children sound like normal teenage worries (I'm going through the same with my eldest) - is your husband not talking about it with you? Could you talk to friends, especially those with older kids and get some advice? Or maybe go in and talk to their teachers.

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx

I think you are still suffering terrible from grief after the death of your mother. It cannot be understated how hard it is, emotionally, physically and financially, to care for an elderly parent. The guilt and all other emotions, the pressure, can be absolutely crushing.

Your husband sounds very unsupportive.

I'm sure your 14 year old doesn't hate you. She's a teenager and she's probably going through a volatile phase, coupled with the death of her nanny. You're not losing her. You're her parent and you're in control. Losing her nanny and being a teenager doesn't mean she can treat you like shit. Have you lost your confidence around her?

Re your 16 year old, can you go to school to talk about it? They may be able to give you some guidance about what he needs. Again it could be teenage laziness or something deeper.

Are you happy with your husband? Would he agree to counselling?

He would never agree to counselling, as as far as he's concerned everything is perfect because HE is happy. Like if he was on a beach and warm and content if someone was being eaten by a shark it would be fine as it doesn't impact him. OK maybe that's a bit extreme. But that's how he is.

DD doesn't even say she hates me she just treats me with cold contempt. When I've been drinking too much I get emotional and stuff comes out.

I'm so sorry about your mum.
She seemed to have been a huge part of all of your lives.
It seems like you're all grieving, but in your own ways. There may be guilt for the relief mixed up with that. The emotions around it all can be very complex.

Do you think you can get some Counselling? Perhaps talk to your kids school and arrange some counselling for them too.

You need to start communicating with each other. Could you call a family meeting where you all sit around a table and talk to each other openly and honestly about what you all need from each other. Start connecting again as a family.

We've never had a family meeting and quite honestly it would be met with contempt by the other three. They aren't grieving. They are of the view she was old, she had no quality of life and DD says she is in a better place DS and DH just think that's it but they are all three fine, they are not living their lives the way I would want but they are not unhappy.

Please go and see your GP. They may prescribe some medication to ease the anxiety as it sounds like you may be using alcohol to 'self medicate' currently because of your grief, sadness and loneliness. It's completely understandable ... you've been through so much. Losing your mum is devastating.

Be kind to yourself. Go for a walk. Look around you and rejoice in the lovely memories of your parents.

When an elderly parent dies there are always mixed feelings - grief, of course, but there is a sense of relief which should be acknowledged without guilt. Caring for elderly parents whilst also dealing with teenage children is very hard indeed. If your mother had been younger and enjoying life to the full, then it would have been different - but it sounds as though your mother's quality of life was vastly reduced and that her care consumed a great deal of time from you all.

Embrace the sense of relief and do not feel angry that your OH is verbalising this without guilt.

I have been there and know what this sadness feels like - but it was wonderful to no longer be worrying about the parents all the time, ringing SS when care arrangements fell down, sorting out benefits etc etc.

I am sorry for your loss, but please do not let this come between you and your DH.

And please take some concrete steps to deal with the alcohol problem - better nipped in the bud.

Your children do love you. They sound like fairly normal teenagers. Teenage years are self absorbed. It won't be even occurring to them, the grief you are suffering.

Give yourself permission to grieve. Don't repress it. It has to come out and be worked through. Your relationship with you mum sounded very special and close. You've been a good and supportive daughter. Her loss will be taking a big toll.

Sometimes spouses really don't understand the enormity of a significant loss. To you a special friend has departed, whereas your husband is thinking in practical terms. The loss of your mum will be felt differently.

Do you have a friend you can share with? You may find the support you need is outside your family unit until you recover a little.

You will recover.
Time will lessen the impact.

I get you op

I cared for my mum for years before she died, dad had died many years before. In my case it wasnt my dh who was unsympathetic, but my siblings, who are older than me and live hundreds of miles away from me and mum. They got on with their lives and there was no impact. They weren't grieving whereas I was utterly crushed. Mum was elderly and housebound and infirm...but she was still my mum. I have teens too, who she doted on when they were younger, esp dc1 and yet when she died the teens were...okay with it. It sort of hurts that dc1 wasnt more upset but at the end of the day I'd hate for my kids to have grieved like I have as I wouldnt have wished this on my worst enemy.

The only thing that helps is time. I wouldnt go to the gp as you have to grieve and I dont think pills will make it better. Your kids are hard work, they are teens and its so difficult to know what they are doing or how they are getting on. And teen girls are full of hormones and are much harder work than boys, I think anyway!

I'm sorry its so diffcult. I just felt the world was hurting me when mum died, for years and years. It was so raw and upsetting and just agony. And no one got it. I just longed for a bit of kindness and sort of recognition of how much I was hurting, but I went around with the same face I always have and no one guessed. I'd try to get a bit of help with the drinking, I'm not much of a drinker but I comfort ate. And its still to get sorted out, 4 years on.

Theres a couple of threads on mn which could help you just chat it out a bit, they have really lovely posters who understand what you are going through. I'm on the bereavement one , not so much now but it was a life saver after mum died, the posters are lovely, especially the lady who started it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2871949-Support-For-Anyone-That-Has-Lost-A-Parent

and if you feel you need a bit of help with the drink
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2870341-Brave-Babes-are-boinging-into-Spring-Join-us-here

I am sorry you have lost your mum It's absolutely normal for you to grieve, but also normal that Dh and the DC won't feel anything like what you are feeling.

DH - why is he going into DDs bedroom so early in the morning? Ask him why and tell him to stop it. Try to spend some time together and see if maybe whilst you have been so busy, this has masked problems in your relationship? It doesn't sound as though you like him very much.

DS - This is the most serious aspect of your post to me. Why do you think he is on drugs? Have you tried talking to him? Can you talk to someone at school? This needs addressing.

DD - sounds totally normal teenage girl to me. Disengage yourself and she will come round eventually. You have to treat stroppy teenagers like stroppy toddlers, reward good behaviour and ignore the bad. Imagine she is an annoying lodger

I hope things improve for you soon.

Sorry for your loss op.

You need to put your foot down with your children. If they don't sort themselves out now then they will regret it. You need to find your strength and sort them out.

Talk to your GP about how you feel and your drinking see what they can do to help you. I know it's hard but your children do need you to be strong and well. It must be hard for them to see you like that it would need a lot of emotional maturity from them to understand you.

Don't call it a family meeting. Call it getting together for dinner or tea and cake. It's just an excuse to all get together and talk.
Is there ever a time you do that?
What about going out for a meal?

Caring for a relative does take time away from the family. See if there a way you can all come together.

Otherwise do talk to family members individually. Spend time with your dh. They won't feel the same as you so accept that let them know.