I think I hate him

[Pwc12]

I'm so fed up of my dad. I am generally a happy person but he just brings me down constantly. He's the most arrogant self absorbed person I have ever met.

For some background, he physically abused my mum for years. They split when I was 7 (20 years ago).

He got into a new relationship and physically abused her too. I phoned the police one night at 13 as I heard him battering her and was terrified. Had to go to court and stopped seeing him for about a year. In that time I got letters begging for forgiveness and threats that I would ultimately be the one losing out as my sisters would get all the stuff from him and I'd lose out.

He has a terrible temper and used to scream at me until I wet myself. Myself and sisters were terrified of him. There's still a really tense atmosphere around him.

Anyway I started seeing him again after the letters and sure enough he did improve but there was still a tense atmosphere. He now has a new wife who he verbally abuses but for some reason (money?) she's happy.

Now I have two children and he's keen to be a part of their life. He picks my daughter up from school and she went to his house but I was told by my sister who was also in the house that all my dad done was shout at my daughter for various things like not sitting properly whilst eating dinner, not sitting still whilst watching tv, not being able to read his homework reading book etc.

Tonight I was over and we were talking about how my kids look like their father (my OH) and his sister who are both overweight and the conversation went like so...

Him "there's no way to say this without sounding unkind but I'm really nervous they (my kids) end up really fat. I mean look at My daughter and her appetite I don't want her to grow up to be a big fat woman. "
All I manage to say is no I don't think so.
Then he says "how much does OH sister eat? Is it a lot or just the wrong kinds of things?"

I just say I'm not sure.

But it's so hurtful and we are not close that it would ever feel ok to say this to me.

I feel maybe I'm over reacting as I don't like him as a person and the things he done in my childhood but I don't know. I don't want to tell OH as I don't want to hurt him.

I honestly just feel pure hate towards him and I don't want him to be part of my kids life. He's so negative and he used to make comments about my weight growing up and it made me feel really insecure. He's very very vain.

For background, my dad eats very unhealthily but has an active job so is a healthy weight. I'm a healthy weight and so are my kids. My daughter will eat anything and snacks on fruit. She is often hungry but will have fruit.

Not sure what I want from this but I just feel so hurt by his comments but feel like I can't do anything. He's constantly phoning me and I ignore him half the time but then he just turns up on my door.

There's countless other times he's made me feel awful. When my daughter was born he made comments about her looks and how he hoped they changed when she grew up.

I hate feeling this hatred towards him but just having to put up with it. I have sat him down about 5 years ago and told him exactly how I felt. How he makes me uncomfortable etc and he was hurt but nothing changed and it's as though it was just never spoken about again.

Are the comments tonight hurtful or do you think I'm so hurt due to the accumulation of things he's done and said in the past?

Looking for some advice.

So the text has came through from him asking for DD to stay overnight tonight or tomorrow.

Do I say

A) no sorry we've already got plans but I'll let you know when she's free.

B) no sorry dad I've been thinking and there's been a lot bothering me recently that makes me not want DD staying overnight. For example the other night when you spoke about OH &a sister in law weight & how your worried DD will end up "a big fat woman", it really hurt me but that's not the point. The point is that I felt physically unable to tell you that or tell you that you'd offended me. Also the time when DD2 was born &a you kept going on about her looks. I was in tears after you left as you were making me feel like you thought she was ugly yet if it was anyone else I'd tell them to shut up. Also when DD is round & you shout at her for trivial things it makes me want to say no, don't speak to her like that but I can't. And I've had a think about it and the reason I can't is because of the way you were and are and I don't want DD to witness that and for it to affect her in the same way it has affected me, which it still does. And before you say it, it's not mum speaking badly about you that's done this. Its genuine memories I still have of growing up. Like being shouted at until I wet myself, when I was in grans I was stuck in the toilet because I couldn't reach the toilet roll and you came and actually roared at me so loudly for no reason at all, on holiday leaving the airport you were stressed and you pushed the trolley right up my ankles and took the skin off but I was too afraid to shout out, when I fainted on holiday I was so scared as I thought you were going to get stressed and get angry. Plus various other times. The way you speak to Your wife as well i don't like and I don't think it's a good example to set for DD. I'm sick of walking on eggshells around you and there's been various things recently that's made me decide this. Please don't come round to discuss this as to be honest I don't feel able to at the moment and still the thought of you confronting me makes me scared and shakey.

I know that's very long but anyway just wanted to know what others thought.

Yes it is VERY long.
Way too long.
You've read up and understand more about narcs so you know that 2nd message is a complete waste of time.

Just a quick text back.
'No more overnights with DD at yours'

Job done.
No idea how will take it but don't send that long one.

I'd just try and say something like no it's not possible for her to stay tomorrow night.

If he asks why you could then say why abut more (but not like your text). Just something more that you don't consider him to be an appropriate influence and you've been upset to learn what's happening when she does stay.

He will react to that though- do you feel strong enough to cope? Is your DH around to support you?

Abusers always blame their victims for their reactions to the abuse. He is a classic controlling narcissist. Get him out of your life and your childrens' lives.

I identify having a violent nutter father growing up too. He was a bully and a thug and I have never let him anywhere near my child.

You don't owe him any explanation. You should not have to explain to someone how wrong their behaviour is.

Simply inform him that you have made the decision that it is not appropriate for him to have unsupervised contact with your children because you do not like his behaviour and that you will not change your mind.

If he turns up to confront you and you are this frightened of him, you need to call the police.

Well I send text A.

I couldn't just say no DD won't be staying again without an explanation or a confrontation from him. OH is still working away so I would like some support if/when it does happen.

Anyway his reply.. "ok darling, come round for dinner anytime. Love you very much".

Which is exactly why I never stay angry for long. As it's such a jekyll and Hyde and I think "see he's not that bad!"

Anyway I spoke to my sister some more about it and she continually looked really anxious and almost annoyed at me. I asked her what she thought and her words were "I just wish it wasn't like this as I'm really anxious about it. I feel anxious that something is going to get him upset and angry and I don't want to deal with it"

And I said well it's not normal that still as adults we are anxious about him getting angry.

And she said I know I'm jealous I wish I was the one cutting him out but I just can't. Not right now anyway as she needs money that he's promised her. And I understand why she needs it. She currently is living in really cramped conditions with my newborn nephew and he is promising her a deposit to buy a house.

But it doesn't feel right and I wish it was different. But just proves to me that I am not in the wrong.

You don't need to make excuses to your father. Explain that he does not bring any positive benefits to you or your family and that, despite your best efforts to have a normal, loving relationship with him, due to his negative behaviour to you all you have decided to cut all contact with him. If you don't explain he will not understand and will try to worm his way in again.

Ask your husband to be there with you to support you and if your sisters wish to remain in contact with him that is their decision but they should respect your wishes. Don't be drawn in by their need.
Basically your father is bullying your family and you definitely need to remove them from his abusive behaviour.
I know this is so hard to do. You must hope that one day this man will give you the love and affirmation you did not get as a child but deep down you know it will never happen so walk away and get on with the rest of your life; a much happier one without this abusive man in it.

Thanks.

I know it's hard and there's a part of me that wonders if he definitely doesn't bring anything positive.

I mean he is very loving. He'll text how much he loves me, when I'm there he may sometimes say what a wonderful person I am etc.

He makes an effort to come visit me (even though I don't want him here and he just rambles on about his life/money/how great he is). At my birthday he'll make an effort to book dinner for me and pay for it.

He's helped financially through out my life.

My DD does genuinely like him. Although he does get free reign of the sweet cupboard which is something I don't allow so I guess any 5 year old is going to love that.

I'm so conflicted.

I've been able to sleep last night as I've got a constant feeling of butterflies in my stomach. I know him and I know there's no easy way to phase him out.

He's so persistent and even look at his text yesterday, how can I reply to such a "loving" text that I don't want to see him or that I don't want my DD there unsupervised.

This is the issue.
It's seriously messing with your head.
It must be so so hard and I really don't know what you do about it.
Luckily for me, I've never really dealt with a Narc, although I think my very recent Ex shows some signs.
Think things through for a while. Can you discuss all this with someone in RL who isn't 'involved'?

Not really but I'm going to try to book a private councilling session. I've had a quick Google but not sure how to pick one really. Guess I'll just need to try and see how it goes!

I think it'll help me as everyone I speak to has their own opinion or agenda.

Relate do individual counselling and are good for family relationship type issues.

Thanks.

HAd a look online and I don't have a relate In my location but something similiar but the focus on couples counselling.

When I called they explain they would check if they could help with "family issues", I didn't want to go into too much detail. She called back and said she could. But I don't want to waste money and she mentioned that they normally focusing on rebuilding couples relationships but as this was family it would be the same idea.

Thing is I don't think I'm looking to rebuild the relationship.

So I found another one online. She charges £45 a session and specialises in counselling and hypnotherapy and listed things from abuse,depression to drug addiction and grief so seems quite broad.

No sure what I'm looking for really.

Sorry to hear Relate in your area don't seem to have what you want. I 'm sure that there is someone who can support you. Best of luck in finding them.

Do you work?
A lot of companies offer counselling as part of their benefits?