I think I hate him

[Pwc12]

I'm so fed up of my dad. I am generally a happy person but he just brings me down constantly. He's the most arrogant self absorbed person I have ever met.

For some background, he physically abused my mum for years. They split when I was 7 (20 years ago).

He got into a new relationship and physically abused her too. I phoned the police one night at 13 as I heard him battering her and was terrified. Had to go to court and stopped seeing him for about a year. In that time I got letters begging for forgiveness and threats that I would ultimately be the one losing out as my sisters would get all the stuff from him and I'd lose out.

He has a terrible temper and used to scream at me until I wet myself. Myself and sisters were terrified of him. There's still a really tense atmosphere around him.

Anyway I started seeing him again after the letters and sure enough he did improve but there was still a tense atmosphere. He now has a new wife who he verbally abuses but for some reason (money?) she's happy.

Now I have two children and he's keen to be a part of their life. He picks my daughter up from school and she went to his house but I was told by my sister who was also in the house that all my dad done was shout at my daughter for various things like not sitting properly whilst eating dinner, not sitting still whilst watching tv, not being able to read his homework reading book etc.

Tonight I was over and we were talking about how my kids look like their father (my OH) and his sister who are both overweight and the conversation went like so...

Him "there's no way to say this without sounding unkind but I'm really nervous they (my kids) end up really fat. I mean look at My daughter and her appetite I don't want her to grow up to be a big fat woman. "
All I manage to say is no I don't think so.
Then he says "how much does OH sister eat? Is it a lot or just the wrong kinds of things?"

I just say I'm not sure.

But it's so hurtful and we are not close that it would ever feel ok to say this to me.

I feel maybe I'm over reacting as I don't like him as a person and the things he done in my childhood but I don't know. I don't want to tell OH as I don't want to hurt him.

I honestly just feel pure hate towards him and I don't want him to be part of my kids life. He's so negative and he used to make comments about my weight growing up and it made me feel really insecure. He's very very vain.

For background, my dad eats very unhealthily but has an active job so is a healthy weight. I'm a healthy weight and so are my kids. My daughter will eat anything and snacks on fruit. She is often hungry but will have fruit.

Not sure what I want from this but I just feel so hurt by his comments but feel like I can't do anything. He's constantly phoning me and I ignore him half the time but then he just turns up on my door.

There's countless other times he's made me feel awful. When my daughter was born he made comments about her looks and how he hoped they changed when she grew up.

I hate feeling this hatred towards him but just having to put up with it. I have sat him down about 5 years ago and told him exactly how I felt. How he makes me uncomfortable etc and he was hurt but nothing changed and it's as though it was just never spoken about again.

Are the comments tonight hurtful or do you think I'm so hurt due to the accumulation of things he's done and said in the past?

I wouldn't text him. He's never going to see he's in the wrong. You're trying to be rational with someone who can't reciprocate.

I'd very gradually withdraw. Leave longer between contact, don't respond to messages immediately.

Avoid a big bust up scenario, stay cool and calm. Don't tell him your plans. Limit what you post on social media or tell siblings.

I was recommended a counsellor by a friend, you could google for qualified ones In your area or you could go through your gp. You need one who specialises in family dynamics and will support you to cease contact, not try and repair. There are some fab posters on here who always explain this really well. The stately homes threads will have loads of more knowledgeable people then me

Thanks. That sounds the most comfortable way for me to do it too.

Now just need to think of a range or excuses as to why DD can't stay/we can't come round/he can't come round/we're not going on holiday.

I really hope he takes the hint. He wants so desperately to be such a large part of our lives. It's strange because we're all so uncomfortable walking on eggshells around him. How can he like that! Constant awkward silences around him. I don't think he's ever seen the real me.

It's funny, if I don't see him for a week I feel so great so happy. I see him and I spend all nigh going over all the offensive things he says and does and how much I hate him. When I reallg should be sleeping!

Protect your children from this man. That needs to be your first priority. Why would you put them through this?

Well because I would like them to have a grandad in their life. He's not all bad. He plays with them and does make an effort, wants to see them often and pick her up from school. Last Saturday he asked for DD to go round and they spent the day playing.

ANd whilst he does tell her off and shout at her it's never ever to the extent he did when I was young.

He's a lot more chilled now. Back then I think he was so extremely stressed that he took it out on his family. Now he doesn't need to work although he does for a day or two a week. He has enough money for several holidays a year etc.

So whilst he does shout at her it's no where near what it was like for me and I guess I'm hoping that it won't have any affect on her as it's an hour or two a week (sometimes more but usually not).

The thing that irritates me (or gets me extremely upset) his is total ignorance to the hurtful things he says. Like my daughter being ugly when she was born, my OHs weight, my weight when I was younger.

Most times I see him he'll say something offensive but be completely oblivious.

Also the things he says are just so embarrassing and irritating. Always talking about himself and what a great person he is. How people tell him how good looking he is. How he helps all of us friends with money and is such a good loyal friend but he rarely gets the same loyalty in return (his actual words).

Narcissist?

I think he could be

He's bullied you into accepting his ideas and you're so scared not to go along with it. That's not how it should be.

Stop him picking your DD up. If you continue to allow it, knowing how he speaks and shouts at her, you aren't protecting her. You don't want her to be wetting herself as time goes by like you did when he shouted.

With the holiday... How is he so aware of your financial situation? Just say you have some home renovation work and can't afford the both. Keep making excuses and I know cutting him off immediately is hard for you, so do it gradually. Try to only see him with your DC when other are there.

Then slowly slowly withdraw. I think your dad wants to appear like a real Superdad, when he's just an abusive man. Poor you having to call the police at 13, because of his violence and then he tries emotional blackmail.

Does your DH know the extent of your dad's abuse? Surely he would not want your DD being subject to his shouting. That can turn kids into a nervous wreck.

I'm not sure where would I start to get councilling
Go to the GP. There will be a long waiting list. Join it.
Ask about local counselling services - these can be free or 'donation' based on what you can afford. Take what comes up.
I had ten counsellors in nine years. I was a mess but I'm pretty damn good now.
Good luck.

if he gets angry I get an instinctive feeling that I'm about to wet myself.

Is that what you want for your children? Protect them x

Oh boy.

I think you should forgive yourself for making the mistake of allowing him back in to your life. Then reverse out of his life and guard your own. X

My dc have no gps and are fine btw. .

Don't use the dc as a reason to justify having him around .
That's like saying they are signing their own fate!!

Thanks everyone. It's helps to know I'm not a cold hearted bitch that family seem to think I am if I stand up to it and start to want him out my life.

Thing is he's so incredibly charming. People who don't really know him think he's wonderful. My OH did until a few years ago and still doesn't think he's that bad. But he is. He's awful.

Everytime he comes round I find excuses to go hang up a washing/tidy etc and leave him with OH to chat to.

Often I stand rolling my eyes as he talks so much rubbish. He just rambles on about how great he is or boasts about how much money he has.

This I could perhaps live with as being irritating but the verbal abuse he gives his wife whilst we all sit there awkwardly not knowing what to do or say and the things he says about my family are just too far. They infuriate me.

A few weeks ago I came home to OH in tears as I was so appalled at the way he spoke to his wife. Especially infront of my children. But again it was just swept under the carpet. OH doesn't understand he just tells me not to let it bother me and that I should be grateful I have a father as he doesn't.

And the thing is he can be overly generous. He bought us a £1000 couch when we moved home. He's offered to give us £3000 for home improvements and he will give us it if we accept it.

and that's what's confusing. When he's doing these things ofcourse I'm grateful and feel bad for hating him.

I totally get that you are scared of this abusive arsehole
However, it's time to get your big girl pants on and take action to protect your children, remember how terrified you were growing up?
Domyou want your children to feel that fear as well?
It wasn't until I was pg that I got the courage to cut off my father and I have never regretted it for a second.
This man uses money to control you as well as verbal abuse but if he has nothing you what he loses the power over you.
You don't have to justify your decision not to see him or at least to cut contact drastically, if you dnt what a big drama just be unavailable
There is no point in having a conversation in person or by text, what do you want? Him to say " you are right, I'm vile and I will stop it immediately"? Will never happen so give up hoping for him to change
Either put up with his crap ( and expose your poor children to it) or take action and prepare for the fallout

And the money he gives you isn't generous by the way, he does it for himself not you.
Don't take it, it gives him power.
You need to get your DH onside as well

I'm thinking about telling OH about his comments about his weight and his sisters and think maybe that might help? Might I really don't want to hurt OH either. OH works a lot so it's around as much when he's here so doesn't see the full extent.

He does comment that he doesn't know how his wife puts up with it and we do have a bit of a giggle about the atuff he says when he leaves but just in an eye rolling kind of way. He tells the same stories over and over and over again so it can get funny but also very irritating. They're always about what a difficult childhood he had but how far he's came now.

I know this sounds awful but with the money, I accept it and to stop myself feeling guilty I tell myself that it's for putting up with his shit for all these years.

OH is working away at the moment but I'll be speaking to him later so might docuss it with him then.

He's paying to abuse you and abuse your children. Letting your children be shouted at is abuse. Letting your children see a man who they are supposed to respect and love humiliate anyone let alone his wife is abuse. The only people 'sweeping this under the carpet are you and your partner - you control who and what your young impressionable children see and absorb as the norm for relationships. I know I have put this harshly as you obviously fesr this man but this is the harsh reality of what you are let happen.

I know I know, thanks.

I spoke to my OH. Initially I didn't mention what he said about him and his sister just that I went over and am really fed up of the way he speaks to his wife and his comments.

I said I want to reduce contact and don't want our kids staying over night. He was sort of blasé about it and just said "we can't really stop him going over".

Then I told him what he said about his weight and his sister. His face totally changed. He looks hurt and upset and we were on FaceTime and was sort of hiding his face.

His tone completely changed and he agreed that he's not the sort of person we want to be around. He agreed we won't be going on holiday and that our kids shouldn't be staying. He said "we don't want them thinking that treating woman like that is acceptable".

So it seemed he had to be hurt to understand why I want to take this stance.

I feel strong (right now anyway). If he calls I'll be ignoring and I won't be calling or going round to him. When he asks for DD to stay I'll make excuses that we are busy.

I'm feeling confident that his presence will dramatically reduce from our life's. It's just up to me and OH to make sure we stay strong to it.

You are strong - to write it down here and acknowledge what's going on is very strong - most people just let the cycle continue and then it's their children wetting themselves when granddad shouts x

Thank you.

Thing that I'm worried about I guess is that when he realises I'm reducing contact he starts to feel very sorry for himself and lays the guilt on pretty heavy.

He'll then speak about me to my other sisters about how I'm so strange/too sensitive/not a nice person/family should stick together etc. And I almost start to believe it.

When I stopped contact when I was 13 they really turned against me.

Now it's even worse particularly for one sister. Her life revolves around trying to please him and she has panick attacks and freaks out if she thinks he's going to be unhappy about something.

She's 30 so I imagine I could get a pretty bad backlash from her if she hears I've upset him.

Please join the "Stately Homes" thread
Your dad is classic example of how abusers can manage to damage not only their own children but also any grandchildren.

Honestly read this and thought I had posted it in my sleep. You have described my father to a tee. I cut him off 5 years ago and it's the best decision I ever made. Fuck the money. Have peace of mind. My sisters still see him but as a result I see less of them. Their choice. I am happy. Big girl pants and stop contact. For your kids sake

Really strawberry, sorry you had to endure it too!

How did you initiate no contact? Was there a big row then afterwards you just never spoke again?

What was his reaction?