I have nc for this because my dh knows my other username. It's long - sorry- but there are paragraphs 🙂
Dh and I are both pretty high-achieving types with good qualifications and jobs. When we got married six years ago we had a plan. So far as possible we would do everything equally. We both work 9-7 type hours which compared to a lot of people in our field is pretty relaxed and thought if we were both flexible about work and both pitched in equally at home we could both have a relationship with our children and professional success and be financially comfortable.
Needless to say it hasn't worked like that. A year after we married dh had a very difficult time at work and had what could loosely be called a nervous breakdown. He took some time off to recover and went back to work but somehow it changed our dynamic.
The years thereafter were a slippery slope of me gradually doing more and more to the point there was no question I was the boss of our lives in every sphere. Dh was always prepared to do any specific task I asked of him so in one sense he was pulling his weight but he was putting in no mental energy. He always tells me I'm just so much better at thinking things through than him, to which my reply is always no, I just started thinking about this weeks ago!!
Without my really noticing it various things started to change. One is that after the breakdown dh, who had always struck me as pretty relaxed and confident became much less so. He was suddenly nervous and clingy hanging out with my friends and started to tell me stories about the time before he met me in which he described himself as (his words) a loser, who used to get bullied a lot. I'd never seen that side to him before. With me, he became weirdly nervous - tbf I was quite irritable - and went from being a nice guy to a passive aggressive "Nice Guy". He's really sarcastic and so quick to criticise others but can't take it himself.
The stress of all of this meant that last year I had a bit of a meltdown of my own. I really needed some time off work myself to recover - lots of crying at the gp's etc. I couldn't take the time off bc I am self employed, so just had to muddle through, and dh was crap about it. Just couldn't reassure me or help at all. Partly because he's so used to me being the one who plans, and partly because he was so worried about getting it wrong and making himself look bad that he just couldn't focus on me and the help I needed.
The situation now is that i have spoken to dh a lot and he has finally got the point about pulling his weight on practical things (although he's still completely lacking in confidence and passive aggressive, which has got much worse since I told him I was unhappy). However I can barely look at him. We haven't had sex for ages and when he tries to kiss me it makes my skin crawl. I am starting to think about divorce but it's the last thing I want for the children and I know it will hurt lots of people who I love. I hate the idea of shared contact.
I don't know why I'm posting really except that I haven't talked to anyone about this irl and desperately need to. I would love to hear any thoughts has. Thank you, if you've got this far.