This weird ‘friendship' is causing me so much heartache

[MuckedUpAgain]

Have NC.

I have a male friend I met at work 5 years ago, although we no longer work together.

The friendship soon strayed over the line and we became emotionally close. I was / am in an unhappy marriage, with control issues but for various reasons am still in that relationship.

He was also in a relationship. I know what we did was wrong but I got carried away and felt ‘loved’. He said he loved me too. We never DTD though, only emotional closeness, kissing etc.

Unfortunately his other half found out and the relationship ended abruptly. My other half never found out and life returned to normal, albeit I felt bereft emotionally for a while.

I moved myself to another area of the company and no longer saw this person at work. We no longer communicated and I tried to forget about him.

About 2 years after all this happened – I.e. about 3 years ago, we met each other by chance and, because of the nature of his work, he was able to ensure that I had to talk to him (sorry if this sounds cryptic / vague but I can’t go into detail as it would be too identifying.

We then started texting again / chatting again and it appeared ’a spark’ was still there.

However, he was / is much more distant, there’s no talk of ‘love’ etc. We are just like friends.

He wanted to meet up and we kissed. He says he finds me attractive and wants to be friends and he enjoys kissing me.

I find this bizarre and have told him I think it’s best just to be friends.

But because I am so weak, and also because I get very little affection at home :( - I always end up caving in and kissing him.

I know it's wrong, I know he is using me, I know he clearly doesn’t love me, but I can't help myself.

We talk from time to time and it really hurts when he mentions his partner (who clearly doesn’t know that we are in touch again…) I am puzzled why he is like this – does he not kiss his partner? I have tried asking him but get very woolly answers.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to cut off all contact… but… I would miss him. I need to be stronger in ensuring our friendship stays inside appropriate boundaries I know.

I would really welcome some help, advice and perspectives. Please don’t be too brutal though, I'm sorry for what I did - i'm lonely and just need support to do the right thing. :(

I texted said 'friend' last night (twice) to ask to 'talk'. Nothing, zero response so far. I'm beginning to understand that he's not a real friend, only on his terms.

I have made enquiries about freedom programme. I'm still scared at the thought of leaving, how on earth I would cope.

Many times before I've fantasised about leaving and then thought it would be easier to put up with H as it's not 'that bad' really...and it will be the easier option.

But the cycle always repeats itself and I find back to the same desperate unhappy place again. He (h) is just so nasty and cruel that I feel it is easier to pretend I like him and just live with it.

Hmmm that does sound like he's picking his moments when he needs to use you in a sense? Unless he hasn't had chance to reply with his partner in the room or something. She might check his phone and find out which could cause all sorts of upheaval too. Is there other ways that you usually contact him? I'm torn between telling you to tell him to get lost but then I do feel surely he is doing it for support too it's just an odd friendship isn't it and obviously hurting you not knowing where you stand.

As for you leaving your partner there is so much help out there please find someone in the know to talk to about your options. It will be hard but you will make it out of the other side just believe in yourself

He will ignore all requests to "talk" because that can only make things worse for him - he knows youll be asking to stop everything OR for him to show you the affection he used to, and he doesnt want either of those.

He'll totally ignore your requests in the hope you lose the energy to have "the talk" and that things just carry on as they are right now, because thats what works best for him.

This isnt what a friend would do, but it is what someone in a relationship but wanting extra no strings sexy time on the side would do.

Storm- it seems so clear when articulated like you just have. I've been such a mug. I also can't believe what type of man would do this to a partner he presumably loves. For all his faults though I do miss the affection we had 3 years ago: I feel as if it's the only glimpse I'll ever get of real kindness in a romantic relationship.

Things seem pretty bleak at the moment and I feel completely unloveable. I don't know why I attract such shits- assume they somehow pick up on my low self esteem?

Believe in your future. Believe there is happiness there. You can't see it yet but allow yourself to believe it is ahead of you, waiting.

I know that bleak feeling but things don't stay the same. Build up your self esteem. It won't happen overnight but it will happen.

I'm so glad to hear you're making enquiries about the Freedom Programme. The facilitators know how hard it is to leave, they are very sensitive and kind.

However, I'd have to say, having experienced it, that leaving is a walk in the park in comparison to the agony of staying, and pretending, in an abusive relationship.

One foot in front of the other. You can do this in small steps with the steady support of the FP and WA. Thank God for those orgs, they are a godsend.

I just wanted to jump back in to say - I only know to lay it out like that because I've been strung along in "relationships" like that more than once, sadly. You dont need to feel like a mug or like you should have seen it sooner, these players are experts at what they do.